BW 215
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[00:00:00] if you find yourself avoiding and dreading the holidays that are coming up here over the next couple of months, this episode is for you this is episode 215 of The Brave Widow Show. Before we dive into today's episode, I just wanna give a special shout-out to Stand in the Gap Ministries. I just attended their first ever in-person annual conference called Held in Hope in Jenks, Oklahoma, just outside of Tulsa. And Stand in the Gap Ministry did a phenomenal job of hosting an event for 200 widows and widow ministry leaders, and just allowing people to feel seen, to feel inspired and encouraged, and to feel connected with other people.
And even better, they announced they're gonna host this again next year, November 4th and 5th in [00:01:00] 2027 at the same location in Jenks, Oklahoma. And I might be doing something a little special for Brave Widows and our audience members who decide to show up in person. So if you're interested, then mark your calendar and join me for that next year.
And again, to Stand in the Gap Ministry, thank you for doing such an amazing job. They have a wonderful ministry in equipping churches to serve widows, and so if your church is in need of a widows ministry, I cannot recommend them enough. Reach out to them, sync up with them. If you need a warm intro, let me know.
But it's really a wonderful ministry, and they truly have a big heart for widows. Let's dive into today's episode. One of the most hotly debated topics in the widow's world is whether or not the second year is harder than the first year. [00:02:00] And I'm not gonna weigh in fully with all my opinions on whether or not the second year is harder, is not harder, feels harder, whatever that is. But even the second year of holidays can creep up unexpectedly on widows and widowers who assume that the second year's round of holidays are supposed to be eas- easier.
It's supposed to be lighter. It's supposed to be not as difficult. It's supposed to be something that they can just move through because they've already gone through the first round of holidays, and that's already been the worst. And unfortunately, the second round of holidays can feel still disorienting.
The shock may not have worn off yet. The reality may really be sinking in. And so even if this is your second, third, fourth, fifth round of holidays, [00:03:00] it can still feel really heavy and hard I remember so many times that I would just try to not think about the holidays. I would be really hurt or angry when people would ask me things like, "Are you guys excited for Christmas? Do you have some great holiday plans?" It felt so cruel. How could anyone ask me that? Could they just twist the knife a little bit more?
Put more salt in the wounds of this holiday season? No, I wasn't looking forward to it. No, I'm not excited about it. Like, how could you so mindlessly ask me those things or pretend like I'm supposed to be excited about it? The first year, I canceled Thanksgiving. I told my family, "I love you guys. You're gonna have to go somewhere else and figure it out.
I'm not gonna be able to host it. I just do not care." And I swirled and swirled and swirled on what was the right thing to do. But ultimately, I looked at my situation [00:04:00] and thought, "I'm in no way, shape, or form equipped to whip up this big Thanksgiving dinner. I'm in no way prepared to host 20 something people to my house.
I don't want to do that." I don't. I was to the point I didn't care if that made people mad. I didn't care if they were gonna be upset with me. I ... Just the thought of having to do all of that four months after Nathan died felt super overwhelming and stressful, and so I just canceled Thanksgiving with my extended family, and they ended up finding another place and all was fine.
Then for Christmas, I actually told myself, like, "I need to be up to the challenge." I created a Gantt chart. If you know what that is, it's a project management tool for people in Excel or Google Sheets. A Gantt chart, which basically laid out if I want all of the Christmas meal to be ready by [00:05:00] noon, we work backwards from that to decide when do I start the potatoes, when do I peel the potatoes, when do I start the rolls, when do I start the ham, then I gotta glaze the ham.
And just created this monstrosity of a project chart so that everything beautifully could come out ready to go right on the dot at noon. And by 12:05, it was all together and ready and beautiful. And I was so stressed and frazzled and frustrated and felt like my nerves were on fire. Like, my body was s- screaming at me in pain and stress and overwhelm because I thought the right answer was to still do all the things, to host everyone over, to make sure that the hand soap was the cute little Christmas hand soap and the, the towels were a certain way and the, the plates were a certain way and I had [00:06:00] stockings for everyone and little gifts for everyone, and I had to do all the things.
And so it's like I went complete opposite. Thanksgiving, do nothing. Christmas, do everything. And Either one felt great. By the time the second year came around, I was a little more clearheaded with thinking through, how do we make this, the holiday season, more manageable? How do we make it easier? And so as you guys know, I'm a, a little bit of a nerd with my spreadsheets.
So I had a spreadsheet of, like, all the Christmas gifts I wanted to create, all the Christmas cards that I wanted to send, and the addresses, and it was just this monstrosity of a planning thing. And if I didn't get enough thank yous, if people didn't act grateful enough, I would get resentful and bitter to the point where I really had to question, why am I doing all of this?
For what? [00:07:00] Because I want people to thank me? Because I think I'm supposed to? Why am I jumping through all of these hoops for everyone else? What is really the outcome here going to be? And what I learned over time is that there are so many built-up expectations as widows and widowers that we put on ourselves.
We should be able to do all the same things. We should still bring the Christmas cheer. We should, um, create the Christmas magic. We shouldn't, you know, ruin everyone else's holidays just because we had a hard time. Like, there are so many things that we overload ourselves with because we're worried about what other people think or what we're supposed to do or what would a good widow do in this situation.
Like, we need a- to be bright and cheery for the holidays, but not too bright and cheery because widows are supposed to be sad. And it's just this jumbled-up mess of [00:08:00] swirling thought spirals that are really hard to pull ourselves out of. And where I really have seen a lot of my clients struggle isn't that they're supposed to be this perfect, beautiful answer, but it's that because the anticipation of the holidays is so painful, they avoid thinking about the holidays.
They distract themselves from thinking about it. They put it off until bam, the day is here. The day is tomorrow. The day is next week. And now they start freaking out because they haven't thought about, how do I want the holidays to be? Well, if I do them this way, then I have all these stories and narratives about what that means, and, and am I being a good person, and, and what am I supposed to do?
And people just really spin out a lot right before the holidays because they've avoided coming up with their [00:09:00] plan. They've avoided thinking about what they wanna do. They haven't communicated to friends and family what they wanna do. And so maybe they even wait till the night before of- or the day of, and they drop this grenade in their family's lap and let it blow up.
Like, "Hey, you know all those traditions of the last 40 years? Yeah, just forget all of that. Bam, this is how it's gonna be this year," which causes another frenzy of chaos. And so even for the world's best procrastinators, let me help you. Help me. Help me help you. I want to help you come up with a plan for how you wanna navigate the holidays, a plan for how you wanna communicate that with friends and family, and to find peace with that what you do in the second year, third year, fourth year, how you reimagine your traditions, how you release some of them, how you create some of them.
Whatever you decide [00:10:00] to do, what you do this year or next year isn't a permanent decision. You get to change your mind. You can do something this year. Maybe you take a break from the holidays. Maybe you wanna do something totally different. Maybe you wanna still try to participate at the same level.
There's not really a right or wrong answer, but where we find peace is with having a plan. And where I help my clients is in having a plan A and a plan B, and an escape plan if you arrive somewhere and you're like, "I... This is not working. I need to go." Okay? But when you have a plan, we can stop all the spiraling about, is this the right decision?
Am I doing the right thing? Am I handling this the right way? What i- what if this? What if that? What if this? What if that? Like, if we start now with learning about expectations and coming up with our plan and communicating our plan in advance, that removes a lot of the drama, a lot of the [00:11:00] stress, a lot of the overwhelm, a lot of the avoidance in thinking about the holidays.
It doesn't make the holidays perfect. It doesn't mean that it's gonna be easy and, and that you're not gonna be sad or it's not gonna be a hard time, but you are equipped with a plan. Couple of plans. You have found peace with your decision, whatever it is. You decide, not, "Oh, uh, but I have to think about this person and that person and this person," and no, you get to decide.
And yes, there might be some people who get upset, so w- we would work on boundaries. We'd work on communication. We would work on being at peace with not trying to make everyone else feel okay about it.
So as we create our plan for the holidays, we wanna think about things like traditions, family expectations, and what to do with empty space, with the downtime, the quiet time. With traditions, we might wanna think about what we [00:12:00] wanna maintain because we want to, not because we feel like we have to. What do we want to, reimagine or modify because it makes it gentler, lighter, easier?
And what do we wanna release? What, what traditions do we just wanna let go of or we just wanna press pause on for this year? Doesn't mean we're letting our person down. It doesn't mean we're not honoring their legacy. It means we're looking at our own selves with compassion and grace and acknowledging that this may be a hard time.
And so what are the things that I want to do to be supportive to myself while I'm doing this? If you broke your leg, you would have a different expectation for how you participate in the holidays, especially if you are someone who did a lot of the cooking or, or went around caroling or, or did all of these things.
You would be like, "Well, my leg is broken. I, I'm gonna have to modify my level of participation." Like, that would just be understood. And grief is the same. It's an [00:13:00] emotional pain and wound, but we can look at that and say, "Oh, yeah. Well, of course, of course, I would navigate the holidays differently because I have an emotional pain right now.
I'm experiencing a, a different life in a totally different way." But sometimes we don't give ourselves the same grace as if we had had a physical injury or a wound that was healing, but it's very much very similar Family expectations, this can be really hard. We might feel that if I don't host, then my family won't have anywhere to go.
If I don't make the turkey, like no one else can make it. They're not gonna be able to do it. What, what are they gonna do? I will help you find peace with what they can do
How do I communicate to, this to them? They're gonna be hurt, they're gonna be angry, they're gonna be sad, they're gonna be whatever. Good. Good. I hope they are sad if you choose not to participate. I hope they do miss you if you aren't there. That's okay. They get [00:14:00] to be sad. They get to miss you. They get to grieve that this holiday season is, looks different than the last 40, 50 years, and grieve that as, as part of this process.
That's okay. So what are some ways that you can communicate with them? What are some things that you can say? What if they push back? What if they don't understand? What if you feel guilt and shame because you are, you know, bailing out or, or that means you're weak or whatever you're afraid they might think or you're afraid they might actually say.
How do we plan for that?
And then what do we wanna do with all of the empty space, the downtime, the quiet time, the times that feel lonely, the times where maybe we decide not to participate on Christmas Day, and then we're at home alone by ourselves, and we're feeling sorry for ourselves, and saying, "Oh, I'm, I'm here all alone, and no one cares, and no one reached out, and [00:15:00] no one wants me there"?
And we kinda spiral out about all of that. What are we gonna do during that time? How are we gonna remind ourselves that this is the option we chose? And where can we still find connection even on Christmas Day?
And what if we change our mind and all of a sudden now we want to participate? How do we get over the mind drama of all of that? So if any of this is resonating with you, if you want a structured plan, you wanna be proactive, you wanna make decisions, you wanna communicate in advance, you want to be prepared for the holidays, I would love to invite you to join us for Brave Through the Holidays. Brave Through the Holidays is a, we call a pop-up group, so it's open to anyone who specifically wants to join us, and we'll meet on Wednesdays starting Wednesday, October 21st from 1:00 to 2:00 PM [00:16:00] Central Time.
And what we're going to do in there is talk about things like where we will literally list out all the traditions that are important to you, whether you wanna keep them, you wanna change them, you wanna release them, who you wanna communicate that with, and how you wanna communicate it. We'll talk through pros and cons of different options so that you can make clear decisions on what feels most peaceful and supportive to you as you move through the holidays.
You'll have your plan A, you'll have your plan B, you'll have your escape plan or your contingency plan if you need to get out there quickly. You'll be in a community s- focused specifically on this topic. So from October 21st through January 6th, you're gonna be in a special private group of people focused solely on preparing for the holidays, navigating the holidays, making the holidays lighter and gentler.
You'll be in that room with those people, 24/7 access to message them, [00:17:00] to ask for ideas, to share what's hard, to connect with other people who are also struggling through the holidays and also creating their own plan. You'll get to learn from their experience and see how you can apply that to what you're doing in your own particular situation.
And I'm gonna walk you step by step through how to make these decisions from a place of peace. Last year was the first time we offered this as a dedicated pop-up group, and this year we're starting earlier. We're starting in October, and I've added several weeks of coaching so that not only can you come up with your plan, you can come up with your communication, you can be very clear on what you want.
We have lots of time for open coaching, so you can raise your hand and say, "Okay, help me with this. How do I wanna say this? I'm waffling here. I really need some feedback." We have plenty of time to do that before the holidays are upon us. And also, [00:18:00] starting on January 6th, we're gonna meet... our session will be two hours on January 6th, and we are gonna do vision planning for 2027.
So while everybody's posting Happy New Year posts, and, "New year, new me," and, "This is what I'm doing this year, and this is what I'm doing this year," that you aren't left out, that you have your plan for 2027. And maybe it doesn't feel as exciting or a big thing that you wanna just post on Facebook and celebrate, but again, it brings you peace.
It gives you hope. It gives you a clearer idea of what you want more of in 2027, even if you're struggling with wanting anything in the future. If you come to the vision planning session, you will leave with one thing, at least one thing that you want more of in 2027. This is a deep dive into really thinking about and evaluating what you want more of right now in your life [00:19:00] and how you can start building that in and pulling that in And then if you are ready to start rebuilding this next season of life, we start with Academy very shortly after, just two weeks after that vision planning session on January 6th.
Academy will start January 20th. So if you're on the wait list for Academy, if you've been thinking about joining Academy, I would love to invite you to join early. Because if you join before October 21st, then you can go through Breakthrough The Holidays live with us. You can get a jumpstart on rebuilding your future by building out what your holiday plan looks like, by getting coaching from me now, by getting feedback from the group now and not waiting until the end of January. So if you'd like to join us for Brave Through the Holidays, we start Wednesday, October [00:20:00] 21st, we'll have 11 calls over the course of 12 weeks, and you'll have access to all the replays all the way through January 31st. We're gonna cover topics like facing the dread and anxiety of the holidays, family expectations and invitations, traditions, triggers, loneliness, and how to step into the new year without abandoning your person.
You can participate as much or as little as you want. You are gonna get the worksheets, the plan, the guidance, the community, the connection, everything you need to have a purposeful plan in navigating the holidays. We will meet every Wednesday from 1:00 to 2:00 PM except the weekend of the week of Thanksgiving and also the week of Christmas.
We're gonna bump those up to Monday instead of Wednesday. And again, you'll get replay and group access all the way through the end of the January, so you have [00:21:00] plenty of time to watch all the replays and participate as much as you want. If you'd like to join us, just go to bravewidow.com/holidays.
Also, because you're still here, I'm gonna share something a little funny with you. So- One of our donkeys is really overweight. I would say fat. He is fat, but people might think I'm sh- donkey shaming or something. I don't know. Is that like a thing? Anyways, he's o- they're overweight, and they have to be, like, dry lotted.
Do you know what that is? Basically, they gotta stay in their shelter area over the next few weeks, so they don't continue to overeat and graze all this luscious green pasture that we have here. So if you wanna know why I had to move my microphone, it's because I went to feed them and add some more water to their water buckets, and I am now absolutely dirty and covered in water.
So we're keeping it real over [00:22:00] here at Brave Widow, okay? Um, but yeah, I would love to support you, to guide you, and to help make the holidays a little easier, gentler, and lighter because this is real life. The holidays are real life, and it helps to have connection, community, and coaching while we're going through that season.
It's 397 for the entire 12-week program, and if you decide to join Foundations or Academy, I'm gonna credit everything that you've invested to join Brave Through the Holidays. So to join us, go to bravewidow.com/holidays. I'll see you there.
Speaker 13: Hey, thanks for spending this time with me today. If you're listening and thinking, "I don't wanna do this widow thing by myself," I'd love to invite you into the free Brave Widow community. It's a private, faith-based space where you can connect with other widows who really get it, join gentle live [00:23:00] calls, and get resources to help you take the next small step forward.
To join us, just go to bravewidow.com/free or click the link in the show notes. You don't have to walk this road alone. I'll see you inside
