BW 208:
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Speaker: [00:00:00] If you've ever wondered how a widow 10 years later is creating legacy for her, her person, and her entire family, this episode is for you. Welcome to Brave Widow Show, episode number 208. Today, I talk with a special guest, and before I introduce her, I just wanna give you a quick reminder that if you're interested in upcoming live events, if you wanna meet up with me at any conferences or retreats, or you just wanna know the next time I'm hosting a free live training, then stay tuned to the end of the episode and I'll share with you the most recent upcoming dates and what's happening inside of Brave Widow. All right, let me introduce you to our special guest, Dori. Dorianne Dupré is the author of two award-winning novels of Southern literary fiction. Her debut, Scout's Honor, in 2016 won bronze for Southern Fiction in the 2016 Reader's Favorite International Book Awards and was [00:01:00] a finalist in the 2017 Eric Hoffer Book Awards. Good Buddy, in 2019, was selected for honorable mention for Southern Fiction in the 2019 Reader's Favorite International Book Awards, and was an Amazon bestseller in women's literary fiction. Dori's third novel, Widows and Children, 2026, is an intergenerational story of four women from the same maternal line who are widowed young.
Her short fiction, creative nonfiction, and poetry have been published in several anthologies. She serves as a contributing writer for the Hope for Widows Foundation, the number one blog for widowed women for several years. Dori is a veteran of the US Army and career public servant, has a BS in history, a master's of public administration, and is an end of life doula.
Dori resides in North Carolina. And I'm gonna share her Instagram and Facebook are author.doriandupree. We'll [00:02:00] put all the links in the show notes so that you guys can go back and find that. All right, let's dive in.
Emily: Dori, thank you so much for being willing to come on the show to share your story and experience and all of the amazing things that I know you're gonna share.
Dori: Thank you so much for having me.
Emily: Absolutely. So I know our audience always loves to know about you and about your story and experience as a widow, so we can jump into that just wherever you'd like to get started.
Dori: Yeah. That's perfectly fine with me.
Emily: All right. How long- Let our audience know how long has it been since your husband passed?
I know you said it was a, kind of a milestone date coming up.
Dori: He ha- he passed away September 29th, 2016, so I'm coming up on 10 years, um, which is just, I just can't believe that 10 years has passed without him. So yeah, it's been a while for me.
Emily: [00:03:00] Yeah. Which I think is great for people to hear too, because a lot of times people that are here are generally within their first, year to five years.
Um, not always, but I think it always helps for them to hear a perspective of somebody who's further down the road and, you know, what that experience was like. So, tell us a little bit about your late husband and what were a couple of the amazing things that you just really loved about him?
Dori: Well, there was a lot.
Um, he was just an exceptionally good guy. He worked in, um, for a software, um, company for a number of years, and then at the same time he started his own company, so he was an entrepreneur. And he was just a really good man of integrity. He was a West Point graduate, um, a US Army veteran. Um, but he was very straight-laced and, um, buttoned up, but he was- he could be very [00:04:00] funny in his own way.
So there's a lot of great memories about him. He unfortunately had been diagnosed with colon cancer- Mm ... in his 40s, and he was like a lot of, um, younger people. Colon cancer is on the rise in younger people, so he was under 50, and it kind of comes out of nowhere, and then one day you have a pain.
Um, and so, th- that's the sad part of him. But prior to that, there was a lot of wonderful time, lots of, um, lots of love and good times with him. He was a father. Um, he was a stepfather to my oldest child that he took on when she was only a year. So he, um, did not have to do that. He did not have to date me with a baby.
And then we had a child together, so he was a father of two girls that he raised into college age. Amazing. And what's his name? Eric. I'm sorry. Yeah, [00:05:00] no, no, it's all good. I just kind of live with that.
Emily: Yeah, Eric. Amazing. And so, how many years ultimately were you guys married or together?
Dori: Um, we were together for 21 years, married for 20.
Emily: Yeah.
Dori: Yeah.
Emily: That's awesome. And I think, you know, I was right at 20 years as well, and it's strange because 20 years, like, feels like a lifetime but also not long enough. Mm-hmm. And then I'm sure... I'm only five years out, but I'm sure 10 years also feels like a lifetime, and maybe a little strange that much time has, has gone since the...
he's passed.
Dori: Yeah, that is definitely true especially as milestones, um, with our girls occur. Just, you know, he wasn't there for, um, our oldest daughter's wedding. I had to walk her down the aisle. Mm. Um, he was not there for their college graduations. He was not there for a lot of things, and we even have a grandchild now, [00:06:00] and he doesn't, he's never got to meet her.
And so it's been... She's only two and a half, so she's still a little young, but I can see our daughter trying to incorporate his memory, um, into her little life by making a cake every year on his birthday, and they sing Happy Birthday to Pop. He has a name, you know. He didn't have a name because, um, our granddaughter did not, um, exist yet.
But he does have a name, and we're trying to find ways to incorporate his memory into her life, um, without having a grandfather.
Emily: Yeah. Yeah, that's interesting. And have you found anything that you, that has been comforting to you or that you've enjoyed about, you know, this process of figuring out how are we gonna keep him, his spirit alive?
How are we gonna share memories about him? Has there been anything that you felt like has been really particularly helpful with that?
Dori: Well, my daughters and I are actually going to be working on a [00:07:00] children's book together. And it's, I, we think the title is gonna be I Saw My Pop Today, and it's going to be about a child and the small ways in which a child can know their grandf- their grandfather, in this case, but you know, a loved one who has passed away without ever having met them.
So we're trying to incorporate small things about my husband that would be, Oh, he's, he's still here, um, in some small way. Um, for example, a whiff of grass, because he was a golfer. And you know, you can just smell a golf course with the whiff of grass, uh, freshly clean-cut grass type of things.
And, um, or a type of car that drives by that he drove or, you know, small things that were him specifically. And so that is a project that we're gonna be working on together hopefully within the next year, um, that will be... It will be specific to my husband, but any [00:08:00] child, um, who has lost a significant loved one, um, will be able to...
It's a good way to help folks teach a child to learn who this person was.
Emily: I love that. That's awesome.
Dori: Mm-hmm.
Emily: And that- that's something that you'll get to have that your daughters help you create.
Dori: Right. Yeah.
Emily: I know you shared with me writing has been just a big part of your journey, even just before widowhood and even as you were walking through that experience.
Do you mind to share a little bit about that? Like, how did that start? Have you always been a writer? Was this something that you just picked up? Or how did that process start?
Dori: I've always been a writer, but sitting down and, and writing a book was never something that I thought I would be able to do.
I wrote my first book, um, I sat down to write it in 2014 when my youngest daughter went off to college, because all of a sudden, um, [00:09:00] even though I've always worked full time she was a competitive soccer player, so there was a cons- a, a considerable amount of time of my life spent driving her around places across the state of North Carolina and across the East Coast.
And all of a sudden she was gone, and I felt, "What do I do now?" I think this is an experience that most mothers, whether they're work outside of the home or stay-at-home moms experience. And, uh, so I thought, you know, I've had this book in my head for 20 years, and I think I'm gonna start writing it. It just kind of came to me one day that I, I think it's this book that had been cooking in me for 20 years is ready to be, is ready to be baked.
And so, um, I sat down, and it took me five months to write it. And so I got a small micro press, had um, signed to publish that, and then, um, was going through that, and then I started writing my second book, um, while I was waiting for that one to be published. Um, and my second book was about a man who takes [00:10:00] on the responsibility of raising a child that's not his.
Um, and it was written... I was... It was inspired by my husband and his act of, uh, taking on our oldest child. And, um, so the story is, is kind of about that and is about fatherhood and stepfathers and the kinds of men who come into our lives who re- who st- stand in the gap for children who need, um, that male figure in their lives.
And, um, I don't think they probably get much credit for it. So I, uh, started writing that book, and then my husband was diagnosed with stage four colon cancer, which is, at least back then, was basically, pardon the phrasing, it's a death sentence. And his diagnosis, he also had a genetic mutation, which made it a lot worse.
And so when my book was coming out, my first book- We were sitting in the chemo. He was getting his chemo infusion every two weeks, and we were sitting in there, and I was with my laptop trying to deal [00:11:00] with my book being released. And, uh, so that went on. And he was very supportive, and he was a man of few words in the way that, that he, he wasn't the type of guy who would be like, "That, you did a great job," but when he read my book, he said, "Wow, I, I'm so proud of you. I never could have done something like this." And I just remember... Sorry, I'm gonna start crying.
Emily: No, it's all good.
Dori: I can just remember how much that meant to me, because he wasn't the type of person to say things like that.
Emily: Yeah, so his words- But then he-
had a lot of weight
Dori: Sorry.
Emily: Yeah. His words-
Dori: Yeah ...
Emily: had a lot of weight. Yeah.
Dori: They really do. They really do. And I, I pl- replay them in my head sometimes when I'm feeling, you know, a little defeated or, uh, not as confident as, as one should feel. And, um, but then because we knew that his his situation was pretty dire and we did not know how long he would have, I just knew I had to finish the second book before he died.[00:12:00]
And so that book gave me the fuel that I needed to focus on writing that while we went through this horrible time in our lives. And I was able to finish it- um, before he passed, and he read it. And so it's the last book that he read, the manuscript. Um, and so that's one of the main reasons why it has been so integral to my experience as a widow, as, um, someone who, as a caregiver, specifically a cancer caregiver, and then as a widow following his passing.
Because then I had something to put out into the world that was really him. Um, the book was dedicated to him. The book was written for him. It was always meant to be written for him. And, um, so I was very happy to have something to really focus on that helped me through that initial time after his passing.
Which is a very devastating time.
Emily: Yeah, and I'm [00:13:00] impressed that you could focus on anything at all. You know, for, for so many people, it's like I don't even have the attention span for a TV show or to listen to- ... you know, an audiobook or anything. And so I think that's amazing that it maybe gave your brain a little bit of a break, but I'm sure in many ways that also was not easy, and it was hard at times, to do that.
Dori: Oh, yeah, it was absolutely difficult. I mean, it took me... Even though I wrote it during that time it didn't... I didn't publish it until 2019. So it sat for a while and it needed to sit. I wasn't ready to put it out into the world, but I had to get it out of me to, for him, 'cause I wanted him to be able to read just how much he was appreciated for everything that he did.
Um, and, you know, as an aside, our daughter, um, our oldest daughter who he raised, um, she changed her name. She took his name- Oh ... um, before he passed, and he knew, um, you know, [00:14:00] that she had been in that process of, um, legally changing her name. So, you know, that was just an added thing so that he knew just how much he was appreciated and loved.
'Cause he knew, you know? But I think sometimes certain acts help remind somebody that they are just so loved, and they're gonna be so missed, and that their memory will always be held. Um, and it's hard to convey that to somebody who's battling what he was battling within himself.
Emily: Yeah. Yeah, I have to imagine that meant more than, any words that she could have said to him- Mm-hmm
or anything that she could have given to him, that that really, that really meant a lot.
Dori: Yeah. Yeah.
Emily: Yeah. So tell us about this latest book that you've been working on or- ... tell us a little bit about that and what's inspired that.
Dori: Well, this one I thought about the women in my [00:15:00] family. I have, uh, in my maternal line...
I guess my, my father's side as well, um, both of my grandmothers were widowed young with children, um, still at home. Uh, my father lost his father when he was seven, and my mother lost her father when she was 16. And they were the- My father was the baby, so he had three older sisters, and then my mother was the oldest, and she had two younger siblings.
And I got to think about my grandmothers a little bit more and the kinds of lives that they lived. They, they both died in their 60s, and they were both very sick women. And I know they came along at a time when being a single mother in any way, shape, or form was exceptionally difficult. They were not educated.
They were able to work, but you know, they just very, they very much relied on their husbands to be providers for them. And when that's lost the ti- the kind of toll that that takes on a [00:16:00] woman Um, and so then I got to thinking about how my mother was widowed at 49. My dad died in a- in an accident, and my brother and I were both out of the house, but we were still young adults.
And I- my mother's personality and my personality, I'm very much a I just take care of everything, and how I never really got to... I grieved my father, but I did not grieve my father in and of itself because I felt like I had to look out for my mother, um, because my brother and I were young adults.
But I had my own family by then. I was pregnant with my second child. And my brother was in the Navy, and I was in the Army, so she was really alone, um, in her widowhood. And she very much relied on my father. In fact, he would wake her up every morning, so I had to call my mother from my duty station in Virginia, and she lived in New Jersey, and I- I had to wake her up every morning- [00:17:00] Mm
um, so she could go to work until she- we figured out to learn how to use an alarm clock. You know, like just little things like that go on within a long-term marriage that we take for granted, and we don't realize how loud those things are when they are missing.
Emily: Yeah.
Dori: And so then I used to joke to my husband, "Oh, look at this curse in my family."
And he would say, "Gee, do I have anything to worry about?" And we would joke about it. Like, oh, early, dead husbands at- for young widows. And, uh, and then one day we did have some, and I couldn't believe it. And it wasn't funny anymore. So anyway that has been a theme throughout the women in m- the maternal line for sure, my grandmother, my mother, and myself.
Um, and then to just throw a wrench into it all my youngest daughter had, um, she was, had a boyfriend from middle school through high school. First love, young love, all of that. Great, [00:18:00] strong, wonderful young person thing. And they broke up their senior year in high school, and he, they went off to different schools.
He was in Colorado. She was in North Carolina. And, um, and he died.
He died, um, w- the same day that my first book came out, but he died the same year that her father was diagnosed and then died from cancer. So even though they were not married, that was an extremely formative relationship in her life that, um, you know, to this day there's always the thought that they probably would've gotten married one day.
A lot of her friends did the same thing. They broke up in their senior year of high school, and then after college they got back together and got married and started families. And so, I mean, even though you don't really know if that would've happened, it was such a formative, strong, close relationship in her life, even while they were broken up that my daughter in some ways has experienced at [00:19:00] 19, Wow
the loss of someone who was so integral to her life, and her dad, who she was very close to. So I, in some kind of quirky way, it's almost like e- that's even happened to my daughter, um, even though it's not exactly the same thing, but it's very similar in some ways. And so- Yeah ... I came up with the idea of writing about a family of women who lose their husbands.
Um, so it's inspired by my own family. It's called Widows and Children, and how the loss of fathers, and husbands affect a family throughout the generations. You know, intergenerational trauma and how that's passed on. Highlighting the intergenerational poverty issues that are passed along to women specifically.
Um, 'cause that's a, an international story and, um, for women all over the world. And, um, so I kind of found a way through four stories, [00:20:00] four, four widows throughout my book that highlight the challenges of widows, not just the emotional things and the emotional tolls that it takes, and the need of children who need fathers, um, and, and when people do not step in.
And the secondary losses that come with widowhood that reverberate throughout the generations and how that affects people. Um, so that is where the idea came from. But the characters are not specifically me or my mother or my grandmother, but it was certainly inspired by us, and I talked to so many widows through the years.
Um, like I said, it's been 10 years, so, I've met a lot of widows and talked to a lot of widows, and we all kind of just recognize each other across rooms I think.
Emily: Yeah. There's like a, a look. Like, you just exchange a look with another person who's gone through that, and it's like you just know.
Dori: Yeah. Yeah. And so from some of those stories and some of those hardships, you know, I was able to compile some composite characters. [00:21:00] Incorporate obviously some of my own experiences, um, but theirs as well. And then, and it's an homage to my grandmothers because I never... You know, my grandmothers died when I was young, so I don't know exactly what they experienced and, um, but I feel like through writing this, I got to know them and understand them so much better, um, than I ever did as a child.
Emily: Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's awesome, and just a beautiful way, I think, of memorializing and honoring your family and your experiences and things that you've picked up even from other widows as well.
Dori: Yeah. The experience is, in any kind of grief, it's always nice to feel and learn that you're not alone in your experience, that your experience is unique and not unique at the same time, and so to learn that there's others who have been through this who feel how you're feeling, others who [00:22:00] have family members that go away because you know, because they don't know how to deal with you or your children have lose friendships, lose so many other things, um, not to mention the person that is absent and you don't hear those boots on the floor anymore, the way the door opened when he opened the door, um, those little noises and things.
Um, and other widows get that.
Emily: Yeah. There are always fears about what life looks like and if it ever gets better and there are so many opinions and, and noise out there around widowhood and grief. What would you say now as you're almost 10 years out and you're looking back? Or that you wish someone would have said to you to maybe even just give you a little bit more hope?
Dori: Well, time does not heal wounds. , I do not believe that at all. But I think that what happens is that you learn to carry it.
A good, a good [00:23:00] analogy I like to use is that, you are carrying a very heavy backpack And you're laying down on the floor with a backpack early on, and how do I get up with this backpack? And then you slowly start to stand up, and you start to learn, um, you start to get your legs again, and you start walking.
And even though the backpack is very heavy, it- you're very slow, and over time you build muscles to carry the backpack, and so the backpack doesn't feel as heavy. And that's really the best analogy that I have to describe how it's been for me. I have-- I think I'm at the point now in my grief where I have the backpack very much, and I will carry it to my own deathbed.
Um, I've kind of, I- I've kind of grown to, to, um, accept the backpack and, um, but my legs are a lot stronger, and I can carry it. I can walk faster [00:24:00] sometimes. I, sometimes I need to sit down with it for a while, um, but I can stand back up when I'm ready to stand back up. And, um, that's really the best analogy I have for it, that it does get easier to carry the grief, easier to carry the pain.
And it's okay, that when you feel overwhelmed with it, it's okay to sit, sit down with it. And you're not going backwards. You're not failing at grieving if you have to do that. And that there is hope. There is hope for you, and you will find it. Like, you have to believe in that within yourself.
And that's why community of widows is so important in hearing the stories of others, that, that you are able to carry the backpack, and you are able to move forward with the backpack.
Emily: Yeah. And that's a great analogy of you can't get away from it. You are carrying it with you, but you also-- it's not always the way that it is in the beginning.
So yeah, that's really helpful. What would you [00:25:00] tell people if they wanna connect with you, if they wanna check out your books, if they wanna follow you? Uh, we'll put all the show links, all the show all the links in the show notes, um, wherever you're watching or listening to this. But what would you say is maybe the best or easiest way for people to follow you or connect with you?
Dori: I am I am good with Instagram, um, and so that Instagram handle is author.doriannedupree. Um, and I'm pretty, I'm active on Instagram. And that also can, connects to Facebook. And I do have, um, a website that's just informational. It's not where I mostly send people. But my books are available, um, my, my first two books are available on Amazon only at this point.
Um, they, they've been around a while. Um, but this one's coming out in all distribute- major distributors. And, um, but yeah, that's the best way to follow me is Instagram.
Emily: Awesome. Well, [00:26:00] I'm so excited for your third book, and, uh, just really grateful that you came to share your story, and that you're giving back to the world of widows- Mm-hmm
and, and making a, a positive difference out there. So thank you so much for doing that.
Dori: Thank you so much for having me and letting me share my story, and I hope that, um, that folks will be encouraged by my experiences and, um, that they'll be encouraged to write, 'cause it is medicine.
Emily: Yes.
Speaker: All right, guys, just a quick reminder of some upcoming live events in case you would love to get off the web and actually meet up in person with other widows, with other people who are walking this same journey with you, and meet up with me. What? Like, how fun would that be to get off screen and be able to meet up with each other in person?
So we have several live events that are happening, but the one I wanted to remind you about today is [00:27:00] the Held in Hope conference happening October 8th and 9th, hosted by Stand in the Gap. Stand in the Gap is an amazing ministry that helps empower churches and other non-profits to actually support and guide widows to implement a program specifically for widows.
Stand in the Gap has a huge heart for widows, and one of their representatives, Amy, recently came on the show, shared her story, shared her heart for widows. Like, guys, I would love for you to meet me at this event. Tickets are only $25, and hotel rooms are very reasonable, within their group block that they have going on.
So again, October 8th and 9th in Jenks, Oklahoma. If you buy a ticket, if you plan on coming, shoot me an email, a DM, whatever. Let me know, and I might be planning a little something special for those of us who are meeting up in person. [00:28:00] Very low-key, very casual, but also very meaningful, and I would love for you to be able to be there.
That'd be amazing Also, if you're interested in learning about the four seasons of grief, this is a concept that I've observed after years of coaching hundreds of widows, talking with thousands of widows, looking at my own experience, learning about grief, learning about building a life that you can love beyond loss.
It is a roadmap that I've created called the Four Seasons of Grief, the Rise Beyond Grief Method. And in one hour, I'm gonna teach you the overall concepts of each season, the top mistake I see people make when they're in that season, and one simple thing that they can do instead. So to find the next, the most recent upcoming live training that I'm doing, and yes, I do it live, for [00:29:00] realsies, you can go to bravewidow.com/live.
I'll also be putting the link to that in the show notes, and I have a Four Seasons of Grief quiz to help you figure out what season of grief you might be in and give you some information on the things that you can focus on to help you take your next step forward. All right, we also have, oh, lots of options, okay?
We also have the free Brave Widow community. So inside the free community, you get access to several of the courses I have. You get access to me live every week on Monday on our Momentum Monday calls, where you can learn, you can take baby steps forward, you can keep that momentum going in your grief journey, all for free.
And you also get access to a private group chat with other people in the Brave Widow community, where you can connect with each other, you can ask for insights, suggestions, you can share things that are hard. You can [00:30:00] ask for people to pray for you. It's an amazing resource, absolutely free. No cards required, no time limits.
There's no free trial. Legit, you put your name, your email, you're in there for free. As long as Brave Widow's around, as long as Brave Widow exists, we will have an element of the free community and this is what it is. So I would love to see you there. Lastly, I just want to give you a heads-up that our next round of Academy is starting in January.
So Brave Widow Academy is our six-month group coaching program designed for the widow who wants more. This is for the widow who's ready to rebuild, who's ready to figure out who she wants to be now, what kinda life she wants to live now. I teach you real tools. There are tools that are evidence-based.
There are tools I've learned in life coaching programs. There are real tools that we use that you will use the [00:31:00] rest of your life. And during that time with me, I walk you in a guided way, step by step, in learning those tools and implementing them, and practicing, and in actively starting to build a life that you can ultimately love again.
And the next round of Academy starts in January. So If this is something that you're interested in, you can get on the wait list. You can go to bravewidow.com/academy and join the wait list so you can be among some of the first people to hear about when we open the doors for people to apply to join Academy.
If you are ready to start rebuilding, if you want 2027 to be the year that you feel like you're actually starting to live life again, you need to join Academy. It will change your life. Those are not just my words. Those are the words of my clients. It will change your life. All right. Thank you guys for joining me [00:32:00] today, and I will see you in the community soon.
Bye.
Speaker 13: Hey, thanks for spending this time with me today. If you're listening and thinking, "I don't wanna do this widow thing by myself," I'd love to invite you into the free Brave Widow community. It's a private, faith-based space where you can connect with other widows who really get it, join gentle live calls, and get resources to help you take the next small step forward.
To join us, just go to bravewidow.com/free or click the link in the show notes. You don't have to walk this road alone. I'll see you inside
