Episode 200 Stories of Brave Widows
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Speaker: [00:00:00] Hey, hey, and welcome to episode 200 of The Brave Widow Show. I'm so excited that you guys have decided to join us for today's episode. Three of my clients are gonna be sharing their story about growth, about change, about transformation, and what that journey has looked like for them.
So before we dive into that, just real quickly, I wanna share with you a couple of reminders and deadlines that we have coming up. Monday, June 22nd, it will be our official first kickoff call of Brave Widow Foundations. And so for the first few weeks that we're together in Foundations, I'm actually gonna teach some things from our Brave Widow Academy.
So I'm gonna teach you everything in Chaos to Calm, one week at a time. Here are some of the [00:01:00] worksheets from the Chaos to Calm Blueprint. And the reason that I want to include the Chaos to Calm Blueprint in foundations is because they were created to help you build a solid foundation. They were made to help you get your feet underneath you.
So if you would like to join Foundations, you just go to bravewidow.com/foundations, and I will see you there. All right. Now, as we are going to dive into this amazing episode with three of our awesome brave widows, here are a few things that I would like to share with you to help prepare you for what you're about to hear, okay?
You're gonna hear wonderful, amazing things. You're gonna hear honest truths and thoughts and hesitations and fears and worries, and details about each person's individual story. And sometimes we can [00:02:00] listen with the intent to disqualify ourselves, right? It's kinda like if you ask someone, "Well, how did you lose weight?"
And they tell you 10 things that they did, and you look at one of those 10 things and say, "Oh, I, that's not me. I can't do that, so none of that's gonna work for me. None of that applies to me." I think of that as listening with the intent to disqualify yourself.
Or you can listen with the intent of application, which is, "Wow, I, this one person, I really resonate with that story," or, "That kinda sounds like me." Or, "Maybe I could take a piece of what this person is sharing and I could implement that. I could try that. I could think about it this way." So I just wanna encourage you, as you hear different people's stories, that you listen, not with the intent of disqualifying, but with the intent of application.
What can you learn? What can you apply? What... Even if it's just walking away with a slightly [00:03:00] bigger sense of hope for the future, maybe that's what it is. But to find one gold nugget and be able to apply that. So- Let's dive in
Emily: I'm super grateful for the volunteers that are here with me today. I asked for some volunteers out of our Brave Widow community to really celebrate, the people who have grown, who have experienced progress, who have been so brave in sharing their story and connecting other people.
And I just know some of the things they have to share are gonna inspire you too. I'm just gonna ask each person to briefly introduce themselves and share their name and how long they've been widowed, and if there's anything else that they wanna share, and then we'll dive into the questions I know that will be on your mind.
So Carrie, would you mind to kick us off?
Carrie: Sure. My name is Carrie, and I have been widowed [00:04:00] for, four and a half years now. My husband passed away in, uh, 2022. And, uh, we had, we had just been moving into retirement when he got sick and passed away, so it was, quite a shock for us.
Emily: Yes. Thank you.
Tammie?
Tammie: Hi. So my name's Tammie. I've been widowed for 17 months now. Next month will be a year and a half.
Emily: All right. Thank you. Mary?
Mary: Hello. I'm Mary from Texas. I was married for almost 35 years. He passed away four and a half years ago. We had three adult children and six grands.
Since he passed, we've had grands, so. We only had one when he, he was here, so... Well, two. Two. Anyway.
Emily: So you've probably experienced a lot of grief and joy there together in that too.
Mary: A lot of bittersweet, yes. Lots of memories. Lots of memories. Yes.
Emily: Thank [00:05:00] you. All right. So our first question for this amazing group of panelists is if you could directly talk to a widow who's listening or watching right now, how would you describe where you feel like you are today in one or two sentences?
Carrie?
Carrie: I would say now I feel like I'm at peace. And I do have a belief that, uh, there is a hopeful future ahead for me. And at the same time increasingly so, especially in the last few weeks, I felt the underlying anxiety that I was feeling ever since my husband became ill, it's decreasing as well.
And I just feel that I'm able to receive the Lord's comfort now. And I do feel comfortable with the pace that I'm healing at. I'm, I'm okay with that now.
Emily: Thank you. Tammie?
Tammie: [00:06:00] Yeah. So, being only 17 months in, I still have a lot of hard days, those grief waves. But the grief waves are a lot less frequent.
And I'm able to control them a little bit more. Perfect example our wedding anniversary was this past Saturday, a couple days ago, and so I made a point to spend the day with my nieces cause I had to stay busy. And we were going down the street, and I passed the restaurant that we had our very first date at.
And I immediately was like, oh my gosh. This was like, I did not wanna start crying and having a meltdown in front of my nieces, and I just felt all the emotions well up. And I was like, nope, not right now. So I was able to push them down. So that's been a huge blessing where I've learned to, I've been able to just control it a little bit and of course I did all the crying at the end of the day when I was home alone,
but journal and all those type things. But yeah, and I have more of a sense of direction as well. I'm still on this journey, but I'm definitely in a better place than [00:07:00] I was.
Emily: Thank you for sharing that. I know so many people wonder does it ever get better? Will I ever feel like it's not so overwhelming?
And I think it's really important how you pointed out that you didn't just shove your feelings down for forever, but you were just able to
delay your grief or to suppress it for a short amount of time so that then you could, when you were more comfortable, then address some of those feelings. So, A+, great job.
Well,
Tammie: thank you. And I learned a lot of that from you, all those techniques and strategies, so thank you to you.
Emily: Amazing. All right. Mary.
Mary: Yes. I, um, you know, I think that first of all, we've been in their shoes, and those first few days are just so grim. It just, you just have no idea as to where does your life lead after that.
And, I went through a time that anxiety was really high afterwards, [00:08:00] and it happened so sudden. He had gone to, a coffee shop and had gotten ill while he was there, and called one of his friends. And people were there right away, but it's just something that, when he got Starflighted, he wasn't up and talking when we got there.
It's very hard to go from that and not have anxiety after, to trying to find your way. But since I found y'all, it's been so much more hopeful, and I'm so glad that the good Lord put y'all in front of me. Very fortunate.
Emily: Well, I'm glad
that you reached out and you took a leap of faith. 'Cause I'm trying to remember when you joined.
It was around April-ish time frame-
Mary: Yes, ma'am ... right? Yes, ma'am. Yeah.
Emily: And- Yeah,
Mary: and I had been through a couple of other programs, and, although you seem to heal, things will drudge up sometimes, and you may still need something. So definitely came at a good time.
Emily: Awesome. I love that.
And- ... I [00:09:00] love your bravery and being like, "I've been around for a couple of months, and I'm totally in for putting my face on camera." Like, that's awesome.
Mary: Oh, I'm just so thankful. Just so thankful.
Emily: Awesome. Okay, so our second question here, and I have encouraged everyone to only share what they're comfortable with, so there's no pressure, but think back to one of the hardest seasons after you lost your person.
What did an average day look and feel like? And what were some signs where you knew you were stuck or maybe you felt like you were stuck? Carrie.
Carrie: Well, I, I didn't really I didn't really live my days. I just, I got through them. But I, I did everything that you would normally do. So, you know, I cooked for myself. I did eat well. I tried to get my rest even though I struggled with insomnia. I went to, went to church, I spent time with the [00:10:00] kids, I took care of the house.
I did , worked, finished renos that we had started. And I was able to complete those tasks, but everything was just completely empty. And I, I would just basically get through my day, and I would have my eye on, I get to climb into bed at 8:00 PM, read my book, and then just kinda shut the world out, and then start everything back the next day.
And I just felt like I, I had no purpose, at all, and I just couldn't figure out, I couldn't figure out how to feel differently. And I was at the three and a half year mark, and I was still That way. And, yeah, I just, I just couldn't move past it. I didn't know why, and I didn't know how. And so I, I was madly g- Googling.
I had gone through Grief Share, and I [00:11:00] had found it very beneficial, especially in that first year because, they send the emails out every day, and I would be like, "I need my email," Because they consistently told you that you are normal in how you're feeling, and I needed that.
But then after that, I, I just, I needed to know how am I ever going to live the rest of my life. I can't live it like this. And so I was yeah, I was just Googling everything under the sun, and I came upon your podcast with the four seasons of grief, and that was the first true light-shedding on, that I'm okay.
I'm gonna be okay. That there is hope, that there's actually a stage that I will move through and am moving through. But, up until that point, I just, yeah, I really, I didn't know.
Emily: Yeah. Thank you for sharing that. I think so many people worry that, oh, it's been too long for me, or I've been grieving for this amount of time, [00:12:00] so that means it's gonna take that much longer to feel any different.
And it's not to say that life for you is perfect now, but that in, what, about a six to eight-month span of time, that you are able to notice a difference, and to feel more of that sense of purpose or direction, or that something was making a difference in your life. And I think that's awesome.
Carrie: Yeah. It was very helpful, especially for people that need to know, you may not be able to figure everything out, but at least if you could have something to go on, that you understand why you're feeling the way you are, that can be a catalyst to, okay, now I get it.
Now I understand. And it'll improve. Yeah.
Emily: Yeah. Totally agree. And you're not crazy, like you said, with the grief share emails, just to know. Oh, my brain's supposed to work this way. Okay. what are, what are your thoughts on this [00:13:00] one?
Tammie: I can of course relate to Carrie. You're just trying to get through the day,
there's, I lost a sense of direction, purpose. I just felt like I was in a constant state of turmoil. Couldn't sleep. But I had to get a prescription from my doctor just to sleep. And, I would say the hardest season would be the first three to four months for me. And I kept having really bad dreams. I was constantly dreaming about my husband, and it was, like, several times a week I would pretty much have a dream where I was reliving the loss.
It was just, it was so horrible. Sorry. Starting to get teary just thinking about the dreams. Yeah, and, so the first, when he, the day that he died, I knew. I got home and I just could barely even walk through my door. I'm walking through the door without him. But I knew that very first day, I'm like I can't do this on my own.
I have to get a support group." And the same day he died, I was like... And at that time I never heard of Grief Share, but I was on [00:14:00] internet trying to find grief support groups near me. Couldn't find anything for a minute, and then with my local church they didn't have one, but
They directed me to some other churches that had Grief Share. And so I did do that, and luckily it was just like, God, this whole thing has been a God thing even though with the grief, I see God's blessing in so many other ways, even though he didn't save my husband.
But but there was a Grief Share starting the very next week, after he passed, or I started Grief Share a week after he passed. And that was real helpful just for the fact that just being around other widows was very therapeutic, and if I wasn't with other widows, I just felt so isolated and alone.
It was just horrible. And so it helped in that sense, but when it was over, I can't remember how long it lasts, two to three months you have the option to do it again, and I was really dreading losing that group of people that I got to see every week, where at least that once a week I was around other widows and I didn't feel so isolated.
But I knew I didn't wanna do it again. I knew other, you could do Grief Share more than once, but I'm like, [00:15:00] "That's not for me. I, it's, I need something more." And during that ti- I was like praying to God, I'm like, "I need something more." And and during this time I listened to hundreds of sermons on grief and all these things.
And I kept praying to God "Show me what else, what is the next thing?" And I was leaving one of the churches that I go to but I ended up doing the Grief Share at a different church. Got plugged in there too. But so I was leaving, and there was a woman leaving too, and I felt like God tell me like, "Walk out with her."
And I didn't know her, and I said, "Yeah, I went to Grief Share through, through this church." She's like, "Yeah, I'm a widow too, and she told me about you. She said Brave Widow, and mentioned Emily, and I was, "That's it." And so- Yeah, it was just, it was such a God thing. And I'm like, "Yeah, that's God talking to me."
So I guess in between that time, so in between the time that I left Grief Share, and I was desperate to find something else because every weekday and w- every weekend was just, I just dreaded it so bad.
It was just so depressing. I was just, ugh, I just, [00:16:00] nothing was getting better. I needed something else, and you're what I needed. .
Emily: Thank you for sharing that. And what's funny is I still don't even know who referred you-
From that area, but we're thanking God that they did. And you've been just as much a blessing to me. And we're gonna be traveling together to the retreat, so icing on the cake. Perfect. Yes.
All right, Mary, what about you? What did an average day look and feel like, and what were the signs that you knew that you were stuck or that you felt stuck?
Mary: Yeah. It's crazy how all of us have so many things that are so much in common, and I think that's what helps each widow, is that you don't feel so alone anymore. How you're feeling does make sense. But I think the biggest part for me was that he left us, it was, they called him passed on the first of the year, and then he was a donor, which I didn't know [00:17:00] until he had passed.
And so they had to do all of the stuff for that. And so we didn't get to bury him until, actually on his birthday we buried him, on s- on the 7th of January that next year. But I think the biggest thing was that our youngest daughter was getting married, and our family was just such a close-knit family, and having so much coming up that was gonna be meant for all of us to be there was the hardest thing for me.
I can remember us getting ready to go and watch a dress fitting that she had to go do. And, I just barely got dressed every day, and I think my new job was taking care of all the paperwork and all the stuff you have to do after they pass. And so we got ready to go, and I can just remember holding her and her just crying.
That I thought, "How am I gonna get this family through this next event, without him?" He just was always just the glue that held everything together, and I think that's [00:18:00] when I knew that I was gonna need some help because it was just gonna be too much. Too much. And that was just our lowest time, I can remember not sleeping much. I dreaded nights because that's when I would get to talk to him most. And, we'd talk during the day or he'd text me but at night was our time to share, and you just don't have the people anymore. Once the funeral's over, it's like everybody says, "Well, call me.
Call me if you need something." You know, that all comes to an end, and it's just a hard reality that we all have to face. So I think that's what's, the hardest thing about what we went through. And my kids were all at a different place, with their grief. Everyone was kinda at a different spot.
Some were mad, some were still crying, it just, it was just hard to keep everything going.
Emily: Yeah. It is hard, and you're doing a beautiful job.
Mary: Thank you. Trying. Some days are probably better than [00:19:00] others.
Emily: I know. And especially adding being a parent. Whether you have adult kids or kids at home being a parent is a whole nother level, too.
Yeah.
Mary: Yes. Most definitely.
Emily: Okay. So question three here. When you first heard about Brave Widow or the Academy, what made you hesitate or maybe even think I'm not sure if this is for me. I'm not sure I should do this." Carrie, what do you think?
Carrie: For me, the very first thought off the top of my head was financial cost, but only because I was in the middle of renovating, finishing off renovations and thinking, "Oh, can I really take money from the rental budget?
Can I really afford to do that?" 'Cause, it's not like, people have money to burn and... But then very closely after that it was the thought of am I really worth this expense? Is it, aren't I being selfish? It's like when you say- I'd really love to go for a [00:20:00] massage.
Oh, that's a little selfish, right? You know that you would spend that money on yourself. And so that was, yeah, very closely followed after that, I have to admit.
Emily: Yeah. And isn't it funny how we're so quick to invest or spend on other things, but when it comes to ourselves, we're like, "Oh, I don't know.
I don't know if it's..." Almost not even if I'm worth it, but I don't know, do I really need this? There's that hesitation that can be built in, so yeah. Yeah. what about for you? What was your hesitation?
Tammie: Yeah, just like Carrie said, and you, that was the only thing was the financial investment.
You don't know if you should spend that money on yourself, but figured, okay, it is an investment, just like if I go to the doctor or see a counselor. And I just, could just hear my husband saying, "Yeah, do it. You need to do it. Just spend it on yourself."
'Cause there were so many times I'm like, "No, I shouldn't buy this," and he's like, "Just do it. Buy, spend it on yourself." And other than [00:21:00] that, the first time I saw you, I was, learned about you, and I Googled you, and I saw a podcast. I had absolutely no hesitation whatsoever. You were the first person that...
before I found out about you, I was just, I was so hopeless. And that's not like me to just be completely hopeless, but I was just feeling so hopeless. Because everybody I talked to said, "It'll never get any better. It never gets any worse. Your life is always gonna be like this." And I'm like, and I kept thinking, "That can't be true."
And you were the first person that I looked on there, and you're like just the opposite. You're like, "You can have a life that you love again," and I was like, "Oh my God, someone's this positive, yes." And it was like, yeah. So the first time I saw you and I started watching your podcast, I was completely all in.
Like, I couldn't... Yes, I was just like, "Thank you, God, for showing me finally." But yeah. But that was the only slight hesitation, was the financial investment. Yeah.
Emily: Yes. Amazing. And I do hear that, that, we're one of the few places that promote the possibility of [00:22:00] enjoying life again. And so I'm glad that resonated with you, too.
All right, Mary, what about you? What, if any, hesitations did you have about joining?
Mary: I think my thoughts were that, just like how we always hear that some people say, "Well, you should be done grieving by now. It's been four and a half years, you should be over it." And it's not that easy because I know my sister had recently lost her spouse on Christmas Eve, and it just happened to be around the same time of the year that we had lost him.
And I don't know if it just drudged up so much grief within me that I had maybe suppressed a little bit. But when y'all came about, and it was just like them, how they had heard some of your talks and that, I was like, "This has to be what the good Lord is sending me." Because, there were days when I was trying to help her, I'm like, "How can I help her when I can't even, handle some days myself right now?"
And so [00:23:00] I, I just felt like it, it was just a message from him that I needed to have this. And y'all have been just such a blessing. I just, I can't say it more because, I have such good feelings when I've actually friended a couple of widows, talking to them after some of the events that we have.
And it's just neat to have that support system. Whereas, you have support here locally but, sometimes you feel like when you walk into somewhere, they just are whispering and it's like, "Oh, well, are they talking about, that or what?" It just makes you wonder, I don't know.
I guess you just get a complex about it. I'm always up to listen because I felt like there was so much that I needed that wasn't out there. And then when I found y'all, it's just unbelievable, you know So.
Emily: Amazing. And I love that you're just one of our cheerleaders and advocates. And just I love it. I love your energy. You have such [00:24:00] great energy. Any time in the group chat or anywhere else, it's
Mary: awesome. Oh, thank you. Thank you. You're very inspiring, let me tell you. Well- I was not this way months ago, so
Emily: you guys are who inspires me because, a lot of people will ask, "Is it hard to walk with people on this journey?
Is it hard to hear or talk about grief, like, all day, every day?" How what keeps you going? What keeps you from just being down all the time? And it's just this. Being able to witness when you first meet someone, when you first hear their story, and you know in the back of your mind things are gonna change for you.
I don't know exactly how. I don't know 100% what it will look like. But months from now, or a year from now, whatever it is you're gonna show up differently. You're gonna feel differently, even if it's not perfect. And it's just the ability to witness that journey and to acknowledge [00:25:00] that it pumps me up.
I'm ready to go, I love that. Okay. So when you were thinking about joining Brave Widow what, and you had the hesitation, I know you guys talked about this a little bit, but was there a moment or a thought that made you say "I'm just gonna do this. I'm gonna jump in. I'm gonna reach out and set up a call," or, "I'm gonna email or reach out."
Was there any specific moment that you remember having that thought? Carrie?
Carrie: Well, I, very shortly after listening to The Four Seasons of Grief, I made that consultation call with you. And and on that call I was describing some of the things that I was feeling. I can't seem to, like I can't cut a cucumber without thinking that I'm still cutting a cucumber and making dinner for me and my husband, and I can't go out to the shop without saying I'm going out to, like our shop.
And I literally still, I was still doing that [00:26:00] mapping, which I found out from you because you told me about the grieving brain and how... And again, because I need to know the why so I can figure out how to go forward. That consultation call and you recommending right off the hop something that you knew was probably going to help me And I think I signed up the next day because I literally went away and thought, " I, I can't stay in this place.
I'm gonna die in this place 'cause I'm already slowly dying now." And I felt like if I wanna live, I need to do this for me. I just, I need to do this for me. And then I... Yeah, so I signed up, and I got The Grieving Brain book, and I think it took me three days to read it because I was just I was just eating it up.
And so, yeah. It didn't take much because I just knew I needed to do this.
Emily: I resonate with so much of what you have shared about [00:27:00] feeling lost or just that empty version of yourself, and you just wonder how much longer can I go on like this?"
Like, realistically, I felt like I was just shriveling away, and I had to just decide I've gotta do something different even if I don't know what it is,
Carrie: yeah. I would say that you relaying as well how you felt, sitting on that bench in the garden, I thought, "Yeah that's me."
Tammie: Yes. Yes. ? I don't remem- really remember a specific moment, but just listening to your podcast after I found out about you I could resonate with everything you said and, and it's for the fact that you were going through, like, you've gone through it. You're obviously further along, but, you've experienced it.
So you're not just talking to somebody that's just trying to help people with grief. You know, you always resonate more with people that's actually going through it or been through it. And so my husband passed January 8th of 2025. And one of the things too, I was really nervous about all the holidays [00:28:00] and everything coming up, 'cause his birthday was November.
So not only was Christmas gonna be coming up, Thanksgiving, it was his first birthday, my first birthday without him, plus he was in the hospital and all that during tho- tha- those times, and it was just a lot coming up. After listening to you for a couple weeks I think it was only a couple weeks, and then I scheduled the one-on-one call with you and I decided to go ahead and jump on board.
But yeah, I just knowing that I was gonna have the community and have you to talk to and help me, it just made me feel so much better, a lot less alone, a lot less, lost. And you were able to help me so much through the holidays so I don't know what I would've done if I hadn't signed up with you.
Emily: There's so many things I love about you because you're such an action taker, and even when you probably think I'm crazy sometimes at what we talk through or the suggestions, you're like, "Okay, I'm just gonna give it a try and see what happens." And you're willing to try it, and a lot of people [00:29:00] might look at the milestone days and the holidays and think I'm gonna wait till afterwards," or, "I've got too much going on."
You have a lot going on in your personal life, and so it would be easy for you to say, "I don't have time for this," or, "I can't add something else on top of what I have," but you decided to have some sort of structure and support to help you through those hard days and to figure out how to work some of those things in, so I wanna give you kudos for that too.
Tammie: Well, thank you. I appreciate that. Yes. All right. Mary, was there any specific moment that you remember or any one thing that got you to jump in?
Mary: I don't know that I hesitated much. I can remember listening to some of the podcasts that, had found about you, and then of course, on TikTok and just different stuff, and I was like, wow.
I honestly didn't know if you were gonna really be the one that I talked to, because I was like, how can one woman do all of [00:30:00] this? And smile and have such a beautiful, shining on others. And I was like, wow. I just, I pray for you because I'm like, that's a lot for one person to get this going.
And I know you have so many people that have made this such a success, but it's just unreal what y'all do. Because I think when you were talking to me and I had mentioned that, I had lost some of the very dear friendships that we had for years, it seemed like there were so many things changing that weren't really in my control, and I just felt like I was having so much trouble at work.
And, we had kinda talked that, this can really do a lot of things. And talked about the widow brain and different things. And I'm like, obviously that's a big part of it. And it just resonated with me so much that this is where I needed to be because I'm like, if this other lady improved her stuff going on around her, maybe it would be the same for me.
And I'm like, it's worth a try. I can't just give [00:31:00] up, so I think that was really the biggest part, was trying to help myself, the most.
Emily: You make such a great point about other people that are really involved in the community, and you're actually in one of our academy groups that meets in the evening.
And, Tammie, I think you're part of that group too, where we have a couple of coaches who are filling in for me. And that's why we can do some of that in the evening, because it is growing. And I remember just a month or two ago having this moment. I got really teary-eyed because I was planning to be out of the office for a week of vacation.
I was thinking about how used to, if I was gonna be out, like, all the calls got canceled. No one had calls. There was no one hosting anything. And I was just so grateful, because all the coaches in the community were like, "We've got this covered. Don't you worry. We're gonna host all these calls. It's gonna move forward like nothing's happened, and if anyone needs anything, we're gonna [00:32:00] jump in and be right there."
And I was just so grateful that I'm like, it's happening. It's becoming bigger, much bigger than just me. And even for people in our chat groups that jump in and support each other. Someone will ask a question and eight people respond, and I'm like, "I don't even need to say anything." Everybody's given such great insight.
It's just I just am deeply, deeply grateful we have so many people that can be involved and help support each other so that it, it isn't just one person, and it's able to keep moving forward All right, since joining, what are two or three concrete changes that you've experienced in your life?
Carrie: Well, I think my biggest one is that I went from feeling like the heaviness of all the home maintenance here by myself. I'm two and a half hours away from my kids and all of our friends because we moved up [00:33:00] here to retire. And they are... The kids are wonderful. They come and they...
Every time they come, they want my list of the heavier things, like cleaning the eaves troughs, and they push me into spring by helping me get the lawn furniture out, and push me into fall. And but the general just overall everyday maintenance, and then all of the construction and renos that we had to do.
I've gone from the heaviness of that to making the decision that it's emotionally and spiritually and physically better for me to sell this house and downsize and move back to the town that we came from, where I'm near the kids and near family. Family and friends. So that was huge for me.
Really, really huge for me, 'cause this is where we were gonna retire, and this place is filled with my husband. All the wood that's on the ceiling is all wood that he collected over the [00:34:00] years. Hydro poles. And so it was really, like, our place. But as soon as I shared with the kids... I made the decision, and I shared with the kids, and they were just so, just so happy that I'm going back home.
So that's, that has been a huge journey for me. And also I honestly felt, every day that, you know... I made myself go about my activities and do the things, but I always felt if I get out of bed in the morning and I step my foot on the floor and walk across the floor, I am now walking a little bit further away from my husband.
So every time I get up and walk somewhere, it's like, "Oh, I've walked that much farther away." And and I have come to accept that I... The truth that I'm not leaving my husband behind. And so, and that's been a really, really big [00:35:00] one for me. And also I had talked, Emily, to you about just those little flickers of joy or light that it's like you're, you're standing at the kitchen counter and it's like, "I think I saw a little flicker of-" something good.
And then it's like you just, it's like then it's gone, and it's like- Yeah ... oh, like I just wanted to grab onto it. And honestly it's just been just recently that I'm finding that I'm allowing joy to find me on a more consistent basis. And I know that it's gonna continue to find me.
And so that's, for me, is, that's huge. Very huge.
Emily: Oh, I love that so much, and the way that you frame that up of I'm finding more consistent joy. I know that it will find me, and it's something that you're actively moving towards or bringing into your life, so that's [00:36:00] amazing. And I'm so proud of you for, you have made some big decisions, and you've done that from a place of, of coming to as much peace as you can with being okay regardless of how other people feel about it, what they might have to say about it, and knowing that those potentially could've been hard conversations, but believing that those were the right decisions.
It's just been awesome to watch you navigate that and to bravely have those conversations, so well done. what about you? What, what concrete changes come to mind for you?
Tammie: So as I mentioned before, the, once I finally got to every day at work I could feel a little bit more normal, but the evenings and the weekends were still so depressing, and I just dreaded them so bad.
And I was just, just no sense of direction at home. You know, just what's the point? I'm n- not motivated to do anything. To now, I actually feel like I have a routine [00:37:00] in the evenings, and I have routines in the, on the weekends, and I have more plans because, you encourage us to go out and try new things and helped us, figure out how to do a routine and all those type things.
So, that's been really, really helpful, 'cause it's horrible when you just, you don't wanna go home. It's just you're just so isolated and alone and just it's depressing. So that's been a huge change which has been so nice. It's just I'm so grateful that it's not so hard anymore. And then the other one is a huge one is I went from, you know, those really hard times of grief with no one to reach out to, completely isolated. I mean, yeah, I've got, my mom or sisters that I can call or cry, but they're not gonna understand. It's not helpful, to talk to people that don't understand.
And so, just feeling utterly isolated to now, I'll use the example again, two days ago on my wedding anniversary after I got home from being with my nieces, I had a journal, [00:38:00] and I'm like, okay, and I just broke down. I was, like, probably crying for two, three hours just in my grief, but I wasn't completely alone.
It's like, oh, I've got this Brave Widow group chat. I now have a community now. And so instead of feeling completely isolated and alone, I've got this whole community of people, and I can tell them, "Hey, I'm having a hard day. This is my wedding anniversary." And I think I literally put in there, "I'm trying to journal, but the only thing I can think of is this sucks."
So... and I knew that I would get responses, like all these encouraging words, and I knew that everybody that I was talking to knew exactly where I was coming from. And so that's just, it's so comforting, and that is just, the biggest blessing I've had. So that's another huge change. Other than, just the other things that I've mentioned, I have more hope.
I have more of a direction, more of a purpose. And it's, I'm definitely so blessed for you and Brave Widow 'cause I, I would not be where I am today. I would still be stuck, more depressed, no hope, so.
Emily: Yeah, [00:39:00] and you also did all the hard things, and you did the uncomfortable things.
You tried adjustments to your schedule, and you're like, "This weekend, I hated it. It didn't work. I, I felt so uncomfortable." Or this weekend you're like, "That's a little better." So you were willing to do some of the difficult things. So, yeah, for, for each of you, we're here to guide and support you, and also you've done a lot of hard work and faced a lot of hard things about grief.
So yeah, proud of you for that.
Tammie: Thanks.
Emily: All right. Mary, what concrete things have you noticed in your I guess just almost a couple of months now that you've been immersed in the group?
Mary: I feel like I had so much anxiety before I had started with y'all, and I feel like i- it's just not that it's gone, but it's just settled down.
My mom recently had a trip that we went on for a [00:40:00] celebration for her 50th in banking, and used to I would figure out a way to get out of going anywhere. I would go to the store, I would go to church or to work, and I'd come home. That was my routine, unless I was helping with one of the grands, and I didn't wanna go anywhere.
And now I do want to go because, there, just like this, there are people that you'll meet that maybe you're meant to be that person that they need to talk to. And so I've, it just gives me such hope that maybe I will touch somebody's life too, it comes easy now talking in the group to others because you feel so much support, and I think that's what's helped, just like she was saying, with the anxiety and stuff.
And then even my sleep has gotten better. I did a, a hip replacement not long ago in August, and when he passed, I was like just a few months out from having my second back surgery, and [00:41:00] I had never done any kind of any medical without him. He's always was right there with me, and so that was hard. But, things have gotten better and, it's, I'm feeling better, and I think that's a big part of it and that I have to thank for y'all.
And then of course, when he passes, you just, you get somebody else that can snore at night, and they don't talk back, so
Emily: that helped a lot too. Yeah, if you're not, if you're not watching the video, Mary has got her beautiful dog with her on camera. Yeah. What's your doggo's name?
Mary: His name is Chunky Freddy, and we used to call for it Fred, but this is Freddy.
Oh. Yeah.
Emily: He's super cute.
Mary: But he is. He's been a, a lot of help to me, and he listens to me, and he don't talk back, so Yeah
Emily: Yeah, I definitely-
But in a slower way Yeah, I definitely can tell even just the difference in when we had our first conversation, and like you said, some of the anxiety and, and your energy then. Like even now, you look so- Mm ... peaceful, so grounded. Even being on this podcast where- ... I know your nerves have to be, you gotta be a little bit [00:42:00] nervous, but you just look at peace and like- I would have never done this without your help.
Mary: I definitely would not have.
Emily: You're a brave widow, that's for sure.
Mary: Well, thank you for instilling that into me.
Emily: Yes. Okay, so question six. Can you share one just ordinary moment when you caught yourself thinking, "I'm actually living again." Carrie?
Carrie: Mine happened actually just within the last week. When I was a child, I used to go out into our backyard and sit behind the garage, and that's where the sun would come up in the summer. And I would just I could just breathe in the beauty, and I would just think, "Oh, God, oh, you just make this beautiful sunrise," and I'd just love it, and I would just drink it in.
And I've always just felt that way always when I, I look at the beautiful nature, what God has created for us. And Mike and I [00:43:00] used to go on our motorcycle rides, and we would both just... I could just breathe it in, and I was always just looking all around me at all of God's beauty.
And and I really haven't felt that since the day that my husband, couldn't speak to me. And we were out looking at the lake. We had been out shoveling snow, and it was all white, and the sky was blue. And I said, " Is this not the most beautiful thing? We just have to sit here and look at it."
And he was very quiet. What I didn't know is he had come to find me because he was practicing trying to talk, and he couldn't talk. And then we went in, and he couldn't talk, off to the hospital, and then it just kinda, like, all went dark after that, right? And so Last week I went out, and I just went out to the back, and I thought, "I'm just gonna sit on the steps for a minute, and I'm just gonna look out at the [00:44:00] lake."
And it was so beautiful. There was a little robin jumping on the lawn. And it was supper time, so the sun was glistening off the water, and the sky was blue, and the sun was streaming through the trees, and I just felt like I could just breathe in the beauty again. And I thought, "Wait a minute. There it is."
" It's there." And I, I just ... I knew yeah. It was ... It's not that long ago, just, yeah, a few days, but.
Emily: Oh, that's beautiful.
Carrie: Yeah.
Emily: Yeah, when you talked about those flashes or glimmers of joy, almost like little glimmers of light, I ... That's exactly how I felt of this little flash of like I felt this spark.
And it was just a few seconds, but okay, maybe it's possible. Yeah, so that's beautiful.
Carrie: Yeah. Because I feel it now every day since. It's like I'm back.
Emily: Yes. And for a long time, that feels [00:45:00] impossible,
Carrie: yeah.
Emily: Yes. can you think of any moment where you felt that maybe you were living again, or you felt hope?
Tammie: Just the question of when I was, felt like I was living again is when I was just with family and just laughing and telling jokes.
And I own a business, so actually my mom and one of my sisters works for me. Sometimes we like to play jokes on each other, have a little fun at work. And so when we were just joking around and, being silly at work, and I was laughing. And I even thought to myself, "I'm laughing.
I'm being silly." And I just remember thinking, " And I'm also still grieving, but I can do..." Now I've learned you say, you can do both at s- Both can be true. I can be grieving, but I can also start to live again. So yeah, it's just moment of being silly.
Emily: I love that. And for a long time, for me, I felt so serious.
Like, everything was so serious and so heavy, and everything I was listening to was so [00:46:00] serious that it seemed like playfulness was just gonna be gone for forever. I definitely resonate with that, too.
Tammie: Yeah, and I've caught myself with that too, because I just always, because, I always listen to a lot of sermons anyways before, my husband passed.
It was just, I wanted every single thing I could find on grief, every single sermon I could find on grief, or doing audiobooks on grief. And I know I talked to you about that at one point in one of our sessions, and it was just like, " I don't enjoy anything."
And you brought it to my attention, "Well, are you listening to anything more lighter? Do something more fun." And I was like, "Well, I don't know. I just, I'm just trying to get all the help I, I can. I don't even think of anything fun I wanna do." But yeah, and it was the same thing. I was just, everything I was listening to and everything was just so serious, so yeah.
Emily: Yeah. Yeah. I only know because I was in that place as well, and it's easy to stay there. All right, Mary, anything that comes to mind for you?
Mary: I just, I listen to everybody else's and it's like, "Wow." I [00:47:00] just, everything is just popping in my head about, yes, that and that. I think the biggest thing was, we used to enjoy going for a weekend with each other, and typically it would be, it was crazy, but we would go Labor Day weekend usually, and, our biggest thing was, going...
He liked to cook a lot, so we would go to the restaurant, shop, and we'd go to Sam's and just different things, and I just remember those times. And one thing we always liked doing was swimming when we would go and stay somewhere. And for the first time in four and a half years, I went swimming the other day.
We were at the Great Wolf with the family. We ended up finishing our trip there with the kids, and I felt the sun on my face, and it just felt so good to just get in the water and enjoy, and listen to all the little families. Used to, families would make me cry. Seeing them, or seeing an older couple together, it would just make me cry, 'cause I'm like, "Why didn't we get [00:48:00] to that?"
And now it's like, no I have to keep living. My time will soon be when I will join him, and I always think of it this way. Every day is gonna be a cl- a day closer to that reunion. Not that I'm ready now, and whenever the good Lord says it's time, it'll be time. But until then, I'm gonna keep doing the things that we like to do and keep his legacy going.
That's all that we can do.
Emily: Yes. Yes, thank you. All right. If your person, your husband, could see you today, what do you think he'd say about how you have walked this chapter? Carrie.
Carrie: Gonna be my shortest answer. He would say, "I knew you could make it, my honey." He was a man short on words.
Emily: That's amazing. ? ,
Tammie: I think he would probably... I know he'd be proud of me. I think he would just say, " Yeah," just, "I'm really proud of you, baby." " [00:49:00] You're keep going.
You're not, you're taking steps. You're not just sitting around being depressed." And I think he'd be really proud of me. I think he would just tell me he'd be, he was proud of me. Yes.
Emily: All right, Mary, what about you?
Mary: I think that one is probably my hardest one, 'cause I don't know what he would say. You know, we, we jokingly talked about, stuff, and I always gave him a hard time, and I said, "Just don't bring your next wife to my funeral." But that was just our joke. And, I always felt like I was in such worse health than him, but they always say it's the caregiver, and by all means, he was. He was my caregiver. But I think he would be proud that, the kids have gone on and had these beautiful grand babies, because, he just had such a joy of life. And I can remember different times where one grand baby would hold their spoon the way he held it, and he had never met them.
And then another one would do her tongue, when she was [00:50:00] thinking about things, and I'm like, how are all these little things coming about? And these are such unique things of him, but I think he would be proud of us. I really do. He'd probably say, "What, what was all the crying for?"
He, he just, he didn't believe in that. He wanted you to live and, and I know he wants us to. I know he wants us to enjoy life. That's all you gotta do.
Emily: Yeah. And like Tammie said, it's like both can be true of I know he wouldn't want me to be sad, I know he would want me to live out life, and also I miss him.
All right, our last question. So what would you want to tell the widow who's watching or listening who feels like they're doing widowhood wrong, and they're just afraid that what they're experiencing now, like this is as good as it gets, it doesn't get any better from here.
What would you want to say to that person? Carrie.
Carrie: I would tell her that you're not wrong that your heart has been broken beyond what [00:51:00] you could ever think of bearing, and everything you're feeling is normal.
But that the beauty that I have seen is that God, who deeply loves you, will not leave you here. And that's how I really feel.
Emily: That's so good. So good. ? ?
Tammie: Okay. So basically, I would start out by saying I felt the exact same way. I was so scared that was my life, just h- depression and turmoil, not knowing what to do, not having any direction. Really feeling like you wanna die, 'cause you're in so much pain. Like I, like I said earlier though, because everybody was telling me that.
"It's never gonna get better. This is your life for the rest of your life." And and for lack of sounding like a paid advertisement for Brave Widow, for anybody listening, we're not getting paid to say this. But I mean, honestly, there is hope. I just, I can't say enough good things about you.
You have given me hope. You've... And you're a perfect example. You live it out. We see you every day. You do have a life that you love [00:52:00] again. And so you're proof. And then I feel it's kinda like how people question, "Well, how do you know Christianity works? How do you know?"
Because I am a Christian, and it w- it works for me. Like, I feel peace. I do all these things. Same, same concept. I've tried Brave Widow. I've coached with you. I do your steps, and it has made such a profound difference in my life, and I'm just so grateful. Without the program,
I really think I would still be depressed, struggling. But you give us hope. Because of you, I am going towards the direction of having a life that I love again. And I know I'm in the right direction, and so I actually do have some hope for my future. And I know I'm not gonna feel... I mean, it gets better.
Um, it's gotten better, and I know it continues to get better. Yeah, it's still not easy. We still have hard days, but at least I'm walking through it. And I've learned, too, I heard somebody say somewhere that it's such a blessing to, quote, "walk through grief," because that means we're not stuck in grief.
And so I am walking through [00:53:00] it. And, um, I know I will get on the other side. I won't grieve forever. That's something else I learned, is you don't necessarily go through the grief process forever. Of course, you're gonna always miss that person. That's gonna be there. But yeah, I'm just... With you, there, there is hope, and you really, you truly can have a life that you love again.
Emily: I've always admired your faith. When people go through grief, they have lots of different reactions to faith. And, even Carrie saying God will not leave you there even though you're in that really, really hard and difficult place. And you're both really great illustrations of your faith and belief that it can be different and better, not to diminish how hard it is now, but to give people hope that it can be different.
And can I share your big trip that's coming up? Sure. Can you share about that? Do you mind?
Tammie: Oh, yeah. You want me to share it?
Emily: Yeah.
Tammie: Okay. So I'm going [00:54:00] to Africa at the end of July So God had put it on my heart probably 25 years ago. I've just always had it on my heart to go to Africa on a mission trip and help, people that need help over there.
And I had never had the opportunity or anything, and I got the opportunity, and that was another one of those kinda God... you step back and this has been God's plan this entire time. It goes back to where I found out where Grief Share was. It's literally a church right up the road from me where Grief Share was, and it's the same church that I'm going through the the Africa mission trip. And it's just ironic, and the purpose of the trip is we're going over there to serve widows and orphans. And now I am a widow and I am going on this Africa trip to serve widows and orphans. And apparently we put on a widows conference, and I have the chance to meet at the...
or actually talk at this widow conference in front of all these widows, and I'm not a public [00:55:00] speaker. But I really feel like God's pushing me out of my comfort zone. I went to Mexico in October, and he was pushing me out of my comfort zone to do an ending prayer in front of everybody.
And then here, the podcast, I thought, "Oh, yeah, this is perfect practice to be on this podcast. Practice for when I go to Africa for the widow conference." It's just, the whole thing just seems it's just been God's plan the whole time,
Emily: yes. And it's so incredibly brave of you to go, and you were thinking about whether or not to go.
And I remember one of our conversations, you were like, I wanna be painting houses and fixing things, and I wanna do stuff there that's really gonna make a difference." And we just had that conversation of Tammie, your story, like what you have experienced, the hope that you can bring other people.
Everyone else going on this mission trip may not be able to do this, but you can. You have the unique experience that can encourage someone else [00:56:00] that is there. So I'm so excited for you, and amazing that you'll be able to do that,
Tammie: yeah, thank you
Emily: Yes.
Tammie: Yeah, I do remember talking to you about it, because my thought was always we gotta go over there and help work.
Like, do something. Like, help build a house or, whatever. And when I talked to you, I'm like, so then I found out we're just going over there to, Like, I'm gonna do all that travel, four days of traveling to, to hang out. And it was so funny, 'cause I had to laugh at myself 'cause you gave me a whole different perspective.
You're like, " Okay, so you'd rather go hammer a nail than help people's li-," like spiritually. I forgot exactly how you said it. It just made me laugh, and I was like, "That's so true, yes." Like, so. Yeah.
Emily: Yes. Yes. The impact that you'll be able to make and just how people will resonate with your story is going to last way longer than that nail going into a board.
Tammie: Well, once again, thank you for shaping my perspective to right thinking.
Emily: [00:57:00] So. Well, thank you for being open to hear it, because not everybody is. But you always have been, so yeah. All right. Mary, what would you say to the widow who feels afraid or is worried that this is as good as it can be?
Mary: I think we all need to go with her to Africa. I think the biggest thing is to don't let anybody tell you to snap out of your grief. There is no cookie cutter, grief that you're gonna go through. Everybody's gonna have their own timing. It's gonna be up and down it seems like.
I think the biggest thing is when people try to mask, and they wanna do it all on their own. I'll fix myself. I'll be okay. Or, the family may not be as supportive that, you still have issues. And I think that's the hardest thing, when you don't have that, that- What do you say?
Intimate, family circle realizing I still am. Even though I do [00:58:00] laugh, I do carry on, you don't know, the biggest part of what's still going on. But I think the biggest thing with it too is that when you have such a love like you do with your person that's what makes that grief so much stronger.
Because it's the love that is the grief. And so I think losing him was just the hardest pain that I had ever had to heal from, and it's just taken longer. But you've shown us that there is so much more hope, and we are able to laugh now, and you don't feel guilty. I'm okay.
You know? I'm gonna be okay. Some days will still be a little tough, but this just makes it all just you figure it out. You figure out what's going on and that's what's good.
Emily: I think that has always been my mission from day one is like how can we just give people hope?
Yeah. Like, if nothing else, how can they just have hope that it won't always be like this, that it can be different? And so I wanna thank you [00:59:00] and Tammie and Carrie for being willing to do something really brave in sharing part of your story and putting your face on camera. I know it's not easy.
Especially as widows we're like, " I want privacy. I want confidentiality," all of these things. But I also know that by sharing your journey and your stories, you are bringing other people hope that otherwise might not have it, that, that may hear your story and resonate and go, "Ah, that sounds like me.
If that person can feel that way, then maybe I can too." So thank you all so much for being here. I know we went a little bit over but I just appreciate it.
Speaker 10: Hey guys, if you're a widow or widower who's still struggling with the overwhelm of grief and all of the chaos it creates, then Brave Widow Foundations is for you. Inside of Brave Widow Foundations, I help widows and widowers heal their heart, find hope, and get their feet underneath [01:00:00] them so that they can eventually build a life that they actually love again.
Inside of Foundations, you'll learn how to heal your heart, how to calm your nervous system, how to create a sense of calm out of the chaos And how to start building hope and identity again. If you'd like to join us, go to bravewidow.com/foundations to learn more
