BW 179 Danny
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[00:00:00]
Emily (2): What do you do when you run out of options? And the only explanation is then God showed up. Today on The Brave Widow Show, I'm talking with Danny Lesslie, who walked through five years of a rare cancer journey with his wife Raffaella before losing her last December. Danny shares the raw realities of caregiving, the grief of raising kids without their mom, and the unexplainable moments of provision that became anchors for their faith.
He also created a book from Raffaella's own writing Her Real Words in Real Time, called Thank You Cancer. This episode is heartbreaking, hopeful, and deeply human. All right, let's dive in.
Emily: Danny, if you don't mind, if you would just introduce yourself, share a little about what you do, then we can jump on your story wherever you'd like to start.
Danny: Okay. Thank you for having me. I'm so appreciative of the time and it's just an honor to be here and talk about all of this 'cause it's such a, it's a [00:01:00] hard season. But my name's Danny. My wife Raffaella battled vulva cancer, which is a rare form of cancer for five years.
She passed away December 12th of last year. So we're coming up on a year now. We. We have a couple daughters. Our daughters are eight years old and 10 years old. One's almost nine. And we've just, weathering that season of our lives was really it was life changing and everything exploded in our lives when we lost her.
And so navigating this moment. It has been crazy. And but the story, her story is amazing. And I've never witnessed someone go through such pain and such struggle and show up with such joy and such love as a mother, as a wife just as a person in the world. And it's just, it's inspiring.
And so that's why I talk about her. And her story.
Emily: Yeah, that's awesome. And I don't know what it would be like to [00:02:00] walk that sort of journey for five years. That's a long time. And people have so many different experiences, whether they expect it to be terminal or they expect that they're gonna be healed and everything is fine.
But what were those five years like as the two of you were just trying to navigate it together?
Danny: It, in 2020 was when she got diagnosed and she had a mass on her vulva. That was alarming. But also with her past, she wasn't one to just be like, oh yeah, let's go get this checked out. Due to some like trauma stuff in her past.
And so eventually we went to get it checked out by a doctor in Kansas City and she said, this needs to come off like now. So we scheduled a surgery for the next week and went in to do that. And we had no idea that cancer was even something that we were talking about. We just knew that hey, this thing needs to come off.
And so we did what the doctor said. And in that [00:03:00] after meeting when RAF was still in recovery the doctor told me that it was a cancerous mass and then I got, was the one to tell Raffi later, which was a horrible thing to have to do. And that's a whole nother story. But that was in 2020 and our life just exploded at that point.
We had, at that point, we were, I was managing a ranch. She was homeschooling the girls and taking them to, height groups and just doing all the, quintessential mom things. She was, she's amazing. She's just an amazing human. And we had a heard of alpacas, we had a coffee trailer business.
We had all of these things and. At that point, we just started to let go of them because of what was coming. We we're in this new chapter of our lives. We sold that coffee business, which was a heartbreak. We, a couple of our alpacas died, which was terrible. We sold to herd, which is, it was just, this season was just, we rough and so we began to very be very focused in the moment.
On every day, because it was just triage every single day for [00:04:00] us. It was, this was happening, that was happening. She was in recovery for maybe 10 weeks after that surgery. Couldn't really walk, couldn't sit, just, it's in the, just the worst area, for a female especially a mother and, and then during that healing time was when a re, a recurrence showed up in her, on her left hip. And that tumor grew to like the size of a grapefruit, which is, it was hard to even imagine. And it just, that, just that cycle just kept happening. And that was what was happening for five years. So it was a tumor surge and then some sort of treatment to beat it down.
And then. Recovery and then another, another, it would show up again. And then it was just this endless thing. So our life became very moment to moment. We couldn't focus on anything outside of like right now. And that during that course of that time, I got fired from a couple jobs. We lost a house.
Like it was just [00:05:00] tumultuous, but somehow, we made it through and we always chose each other and God always showed up for us. And that was in, in a big way. And there are many stories of how we had no hope and had no answer, and all of a sudden it was just, here you go. It's incredible. But she was just amazing.
And all of this struggle for all of these years. I tell people for 1,592 days was from her diagnosis the day she passed away. Like I tell people, like if you tapped a pen 1,592 times, you would stop. You'd be like, this is annoying. I'm like, I'm so tired of tapping this pen. Those are days that she woke up in pain, and I'm not talking like, ouch.
Pain like searing, wincing pain and was still laughing with our girls and cutting jokes with me and all of these things. And it's just, it's amazing.
Emily: It is amazing and I think it's amazing that you can say God continued to show up for us when [00:06:00] you're in just this really long season of it feeling like.
One thing after another is going wrong. Yeah. Everything that you knew about reality and what you thought your life was gonna be, probably felt totally different. And I'm curious, about your faith. If the two of you just felt like it, it brought you closer and you leaned into that, or if there were moments where you were angry with God or just how you reconciled, like why is this happening to our family?
Danny: Yeah, at first, so I came from I would say a Christian background and Raf came from more of a worldly background. And, we got married. I love, I loved her. I was like, whatever, we're just gonna do this. And and then as this season was kept happening, she was praying a lot and then I started praying a lot and then things would happen to us.
And here's an example. I mentioned that I got fired, so I was at, we're at this ranch and she's in recovery. I'm not making much money. I have a physi physical [00:07:00] job, which being tired physically and coming home to a family and showing up for your family. People that have physical jobs and they come home and show up for their families, I wanna hug 'em because it is so hard to be physically tired and then go and be a father or a husband or, a wife like to, to.
To bring that much of you forward is incredible. And during this season, I was just physically exhausted. We didn't have any money to speak of. All the money we had was just on fire because it was going to wound care and cancer treatment, all these things. And then out of nowhere I get fired and my house, our house was attached to my job.
So same day we lose a house and a job. And we've got. Me and Raffi two kids. We had two dogs, a whole bunch of other animals, and it's okay, it's over. And then we were going to look at someone's fifth wheel camper because we were like, oh, we've had RVs in the past, and we're like, maybe we [00:08:00] will, get one and try to travel at some point in the future.
When we actually went to look at it, I had been fired. It wasn't when we scheduled it, it was after. And so we go look at it, we're in this thing. And when we mentioned to the woman that had it, we're like, we really like it, but we just, we're not in a place where we have the money now.
And she said I talked to my husband before I met with you, and we want to give it to you.
Emily: Oh wow.
Danny: So we just lost our house. We have nowhere to live. And they gave us this camper, which was a place to put our family. Same day, one of our good friends calls who happens to be a pastor and says, Hey man RAF was in a homeschool group with the mom and the kids says, Hey, we have an RV spot on our property.
The people that were there for a year just left yesterday. Would you guys want to come stay with us? We just received a free camper that day. And then this happens. And it's like those moments. There's no explaining them
Emily: right. We can't make it [00:09:00] up.
Danny: And like the coincidence of it is okay, maybe it's a coincidence.
Fine. Maybe it's like everything aligned in this one day. But it's happened to us so many times that we started to call 'em Jesus moments because it's the only explanation. There's no other explanation. And we've had it happen to like the dollar to us, like we needed. There's so many stories I could keep telling you and telling you, but that was the part of our thing that was, it was very reassuring.
That was like, God is showing up for us because these are scenarios that it's been proven that we have no control.
The carpet's pulled out from under you. You have no control. Yeah. You want to have the answer financially. Yeah. You want to have the answer. I didn't have an answer and neither did she, and we had no moves and then the most beautiful four words ever. Then God showed up. Wow. That's, and it just kept happening.
It's insane, like the [00:10:00] stack of evidence now in our lives. Is so high that it's how do you not listen? You know how it's incredible.
Emily: There's just no words. That's just really amazing and I love the fact that you got to experience that many times, which will create stories that you get to share, with your audience and with your for sure kiddos as they get to grow up just hearing the things that God's done in your life, which is amazing.
Danny: Yeah. It's, and it wasn't, you asked if I was angry at God and someone asked me that maybe. Three or four months after Raffi passed away. And I knew the answer immediately, but I sat there and thought about it for a minute and the immediate answer was, no, I'm not. And the reason is because he showed up so many times when we had no moves.
It was undeniable that he had showed up so much. Raffi and I would laugh with each other. We would go to Atlanta, which is where she was getting treatment at one point. And we lived in Kansas City, so we're flying, every three weeks to go to Atlanta. [00:11:00] And we would laugh on the plane because we knew like, when is Jesus gonna show up on this trip?
It was so obvious. It, we would laugh about it and then, a day later it's like. Here you go. Here's this amazing moment that happens. It's there, good to see you. Thank you.
Emily: I love that you guys you and your brains would look for that evidence. Like you would believe it was there, it was gonna happen.
And so you don't look at it like, oh, that was a random fluke, or that was a coincidence. You're like, oh no, this was the time Jesus was gonna show up for us on this trip. Yeah. Really, that's a big,
Danny: that's a big thing that, that I learned a long time ago in like the coaching space was that like everyone tells themselves a story in their head.
Like they're, we're always doing it, and it's just a human thing, right? And it's built on your experiences and your beliefs and all these different things, but your brain is job is to gather evidence for your story. So whether your story's I hate myself or I love myself, your [00:12:00] brain is gonna go find evidence for it in your day.
And that's was really after a while, the story was like, he's gonna show up for us. Yeah. And here's a stack of evidence to prove it. It's incredible.
Emily: Yeah. So I'm curious, as you are, both of you are walking this journey together. Yep. Did you ever feel like, oh, I have to be the strong one, I have to be the positive one.
I wanna make sure she doesn't worry about me. Did you have any of that, those reservations, or did you feel like you could be completely open and honest about your own fears and worries and doubts and just what the future might look like if things didn't work out?
Danny: So we were pretty, our communication was very good and we talked about.
All the hard conversations and we were very open about those things and that was an earned thing. We, we went through times where we were learning about how to communicate and that happened [00:13:00] over time. But I, we both are very resilient people and very stubborn. So that boated well in this season, because we just weren't gonna quit.
And the greatest choice we made that was that we just chose each other every day, regardless of what external forces were. There we're like, we're, we are, we're choosing each other. And that's what we did the whole season. And now I had, there were moments in I would say her decline where I would have a doubt or a fear or something that would bother me that.
I would keep that from her. I wouldn't, I didn't wanna break her spirit. I was always trying to be very positive for her and show up for her because she was showing up for herself and the amount of struggle she was going through was, is immeasurable. And so I was very cognizant of trying to show up in a helpful way.
And of course I failed and. But over time, I think [00:14:00] the effort was always there trying to push forward and help her. But it's, I think it's so hard to go through a season like that and not have fears. ' cause you're not in control and everything we did I, one of the hardest things for me was admitting that I wasn't in control and I couldn't fix it for her.
It wasn't, there's not enough money. There's not enough. You just, I couldn't fix it. And I had the hardest time accepting that it just moves, it moves outside of your control. And that's where it was. It's so easy to look to God in that moment because you have no handles. And so I feel very fortunate that our story was the way that it was.
I don't like that I lost her, but. When something moves outside of your control, the only answer is God. ' cause there's no fix.
And that was a beautiful thing in the story looking back. When you're in it, it's complete panic all the whole time.
Emily: It would be really difficult [00:15:00] to live in surrender.
That's why a lot of people who share a story of walking, this type of journey together is you almost have this, we don't wanna give up hope, like God can do a miracle. And so if we talk about the realities of what might happen, then maybe we're not being faithful and we're not believing that he can do this, or we just.
Don't wanna face the reality of what could actually happen, or we wanna look for answers in all of the places, and of course, any normal human would. And so it just. Would be so difficult. Like I can't imagine. But it would have to be so difficult to, like you said, 1,592 days of I have no control.
We're living in surrender and maybe we don't even know how much time we have together. Or it's that emotional rollercoaster of things are getting better and then something else shows up and then we have another scan and what's that gonna show? And
Danny: yeah.
Emily: That would be exhausting. Yeah, [00:16:00]
Danny: it was. It was.
It was, it's a very lonely place to be too. We decided to, to speak about it in the beginning, like in 2020, just because it was so much to hold onto and to feel like you could bear because all of your relationships in your life. Tend to start like fading away during these times because your communication to them is less because you're so triage oriented.
You're so oriented in the moment that you don't call your buddy or you don't see your friend or it just doesn't happen. So it's very lonely and we started to talk about it and that was where it started to get, we started to feel people surrounding us and that was really helpful because.
It's such a challenging moment and you, like you said, you have no control and, but, and
Emily: yeah. And do you mind to share like, the last few days with her or
Danny: yeah. I always, I try to always say in the kindest way possible. It never ends like you want. And it's a [00:17:00] horrible realization to have. But, so her last week.
She was on hospice. She was in a bed and she never got out of the bed. Her condition that, so there was the tumor load. The tumors caused, I believe this is correct, her parathyroid to release a hormone that pulled calcium into her blood. So calcium in your blood causes an issue where it's damaging to your heart.
It's also a neurological problem, so you forget things. You it just turns things off upstairs. And in her last months, this was the conversation like her, the tumor load was up, so the calcium was rising, so he kept having to treat the calcium to bring the calcium down to then get the treatment to bring the tumor load down.
But the treatment for the tumor load wasn't working, so it wasn't bringing it down. So then the calcium would go back up, and it was just these laps around this track that were so costly and. And it was like the writing was on [00:18:00] the wall. And that was a very hard thing to, to bear because the logic of I see what's happening here and we're just gonna walk this out is a very hard thing to do.
But her, the last, I think three days, there was no, just no response. We didn't, there was, we talked with her, but she did not respond to us. And that's terrible. That's, I don't know what I thought it would be like I. I guess I didn't have the thought, but this is so dumb to say. But I guess I had this feeling of yeah, we're gonna have our last conversation and say all the things we wanna say to each other and then embrace.
And it's not at all what happens and it's heartbreaking. And having, children and doing that with children is layers and layers of heartbreak and it just. Yeah, it's terrible.
Emily: I have heard so many encouraging stories of people who had a loved one in a coma for an extended time or who weren't able to [00:19:00] respond, and weeks or even months later, they come back to consciousness and they're like, I remember hearing everything that you said.
And yeah. So I think that may bring a measure of peace, but you're right, so many people say. I just wasn't like expecting like this was gonna be it, or I wasn't prepared, or, I thought we could have one more conversation. And it's a similar loss to someone who never expected it, where you're like, wait a minute.
Let's go back a little bit and re you know, do this again. I'm curious what it's been like for you. Being a dad raising, you have two daughters, right? Yep. And I often feel for young widowers with children because. Society isn't necessarily built for single dads or solo dads with kids and especially with little girls.
And I imagine that's had to present its own challenges, whether it's feeling weird sitting at the park and people looking at you a certain way. Yeah. Or [00:20:00] people maybe showing you. What you feel like is a different level of support than maybe if you were the solo mom trying to balance all of this.
So I'm just curious what your perspective and your experience has been with that.
Danny: It definitely is, feels like it's against the grain to be a solo dad. Most of the time people are, single dads where they the kids will go to mom for care. It's like a back and forth.
When you're solo you pick up all the slack and that's really challenging. The one thing that I would say has worked somewhat to my advantage is that the last years that, that she was with us were very logistical because she wasn't able to do much. So I was cooking, I was cleaning out, I had help of course, but it was, I was taking the girls out during the day.
So that was, helpful in the logistics of now, because I have to do all that as well. But it's very hard. The part that I believe is the hardest for me is the parenting [00:21:00] because I am a person that like if I'm sick, I go about my business and I do the things I need to do. Like I would go to work and if I was sick because that's what you do.
That's not how it is when my daughter gets sick. Like yesterday, she was home from school all day. Okay, change your schedule because, you know what I'm saying? So these are things where I have to really lean into the nurturing thing, and that's hard because I'm not wired that way, but it's, they don't have anyone for that.
So that's, and I get, then there's the moment of that kills me every time that if there's, let's say there's a disciplinary scenario where one of them's acting up or they're both acting up and then it's Hey, you guys need to cut it out. And then they don't, and then it's okay, now there's discipline.
Then, typically, the child in question gets upset and then there sometimes there would be like a tantrum. And then that whole [00:22:00] exchange is frustrating. 'cause everyone's tired. Every and every parent knows this scenario. It's like everyone's upset. And then at the end of that, when everyone's taxed, it's, I Miss Mama.
And that's the unanswerable. There's no fix. And then it turns into the only way to house that moment is to hug them and hold them. It's hard because when I'm frustrated because of all the things and then your child, you're having this battle, this parenting battle with your child, and then it's lay down your sword and just hold them.
That's hard. That's emotionally challenging. It's like the elasticity required emotionally is crazy, and then after that it's not done because they're good. And then I have anger at our situation. Deal with. And then I have sadness to deal with after that. And it's like this, it's this thing that's so taxing on me.
'cause then I miss her.
Emily: And I'm, and it's the same [00:23:00] thing for
Danny: me. There's no fix.
Emily: Yeah. And I'm sure it's the sentiment of I shouldn't have to be doing this alone. They shouldn't have to be missing their mom. Yeah. Yeah.
Danny: No little girl should lose their mother. And I realize it happens. It's it's, if there was anything unfair, it's losing your parents.
But I also, I can't fix it. And that's horrible. But that's the reality of every day. And it's every single day, we're 11 months out and we battle it every day and it's exhausting and it's so heavy all the time. And. So that's where it makes, it, makes me angry. 'cause whoa. But then who are you?
There's no, I don't have, there's no place to put it. I'm not angry at my kid. I'm not angry at Raffi. I'm not, I'm angry at the moment. And that's this nebulous thing that has no handles. Once again, you're just like, okay, I guess we'll just deal with this. It's such a, it's so hard.
Emily: It is. It is. And do you [00:24:00] feel that you have a good support system of even just one or two people that you're able to share those things with? Or who will sit in the season with you instead of trying to fix it or make it better or tell you like, oh, it'll, you'll feel better soon? Do you feel like you have that good connection and support, or some of that's faded away over time?
Danny: I feel very blessed in that I have a lot of support. It's also feels against the grain because a lot of my support is online support. I know so many people that have lost someone because of like online presence. And it's beautiful because I'm very candid and very raw in what I write. I don't know if you've seen any of it, but I don't, I'm not holding punches.
People show up in, in big ways. And I have people locally that I've actually, that I've found through online, but that are supportive. And I have a lot of people that check on me all the time. And [00:25:00] that's it's very, it's a gift and but it is so lonely all the time. And if you don't have that, I don't know what I would do if I didn't have those people.
Emily: Yeah. And so I'm just I'm so grateful for them and yeah.
That's awesome because so many people do feel that they become, they come to a point in their life where no one else can understand and they're uncomfortable. Like your sadness or your anger and all of these things, it's oh, I don't know what to do with that, or how to help or, yeah.
They're not willing to just sit in it with you, which is sometimes just what we need.
Danny: It's everything. It's, I've had a few friends that, I always say Simon Sinek says it really well. I don't know if you know who he is, but he said he was talking about friendship and he just said, we just need people to come sit in the mud with us.
And it's so true. Don't come try to, it's not that, we don't want to talk about it. It's just people are trying to find a solution [00:26:00] because they're uncomfortable,
Emily: right?
Danny: And there's just not a solution. And there's no answer. There's no fix. And but holding space for that moment is a beautiful thing.
And I'm very fortunate to have people that will do that with me and that it saves me. And it's just, it's amazing what it, I like. I met with someone yesterday who lost her husband. Just sitting there with her was such relief and nothing was happening. It's just that, just being together in that suffering, that it just it's hard because people, it's not that people don't want to help because I believe people are very generous and very giving in general.
They don't know how to help.
Emily: That's it.
Danny: And I was that guy. I was the guy that couldn't. Understand grief when someone else was in it. I just didn't get it. I just hadn't been there, and it wasn't that I didn't want to embrace them or be there for them. I just was, it was like a different language I didn't understand.
So [00:27:00] when people don't know how to interact with it, I don't take any offense to that. It's because I know that side
I got forced onto this side of it. I didn't want this side of it. I got forced here. But it's, it is so helpful to have people that'll just hold space.
Emily: Yeah, it definitely is.
And you have also created, I think, a space for people to come together and to show their support for you or for each other. Yeah. And you've also if you wanna share some about the story and the book that, that you've written and what that has meant to you, just. That to me would be maybe a therapeutic, but also a very bittersweet process.
Danny: Yeah. So I started to share online because I knew that writing would get the storm that was inside of me out and that was it all I knew was that, and so I started to do it, and then it started to [00:28:00] get a little bit of traction, and then now it's gotten to the place where it's become this space where people share.
It's so beautiful because it, I never intended that to be what this was. I was literally just doing it to just get rid of all the mess inside or at least make sense of it. And it's become something beautiful where people give me so much support, it's insane. But then I notice people are supporting each other and what a beautiful place, because in our day-to-day lives.
I posted a while ago these possums that like fall down. It's like when you bring up grief, people run, they don't know what to do, and it's very isolating for us. And so it's become such a beautiful place and I'm so proud to be a part of it. But in the sharing and in the writing Raffi and I always wanted to write a book and it was probably in 2021.
I would say that we started to talk about [00:29:00] writing a book. We also talked about a podcast and all these things, but we both had this real heart for sharing because of others that come behind us. That have this same experience. Just hasn't, they haven't gotten there yet. And we've both been in this space.
She was a teacher of little kiddos and I was, I've spent a long time in the fitness business coaching people and personal space, so we knew that. Like there, there's a place for people's experiences for others to learn from. So let's talk about it. We weren't shy about talking about it we always wanted to write this book.
And the point of the book in our minds was that we were gonna tell a story and she, as the one going through the cancer, was going to talk about her perspective. And I, as the caregiver was gonna talk about my perspective. And we, our love and our marriage was gonna be the link in the whole thing.
And it was our journey. We never got there because life didn't go [00:30:00] the way we wanted to. So the one thing that did happen was she wrote the entire time that she was ill. And she was writing journal entries, very focused, raw, intimate entries about what was going on in her life.
I was writing the same things. I was writing from my perspective, of course, and she was writing from hers. So after she passed, there was this massive emptiness in, in our lives, understandably. But there was also like a logistical emptiness because it was, there were so many things to do, like wound care and just laundry and all the things when she was here in those last months.
So when she wasn't here anymore. There was just like this space that there was, what am I gonna do with all this time? And it was terrifying. And then the girls began school and then it was more lonely and I'm just left to my own devices in this house freaking out. Like I didn't know what to do. So I knew, this is when I began to write, I was like, at least I can [00:31:00] just get this stuff out on paper.
So I began to write and I began to write, like on Instagram, just this type of stuff. And then along the way I remembered that we wanted to write a book, and I didn't set out to do this, but I started to think about how could I still do this book that we wanted to do for, all these years.
And I started to look at her entries, her writing. And I found a ton. And so what I did was, is I dropped all of her entries into a timeline over five years. And what you had was like very focused posts, right? Where it told a story. But the only reason it told a story was because I knew the rest of the story, right?
It was like it was missing all kinds of stuff. And then, so what I did was I went through and looked at my writings, and I took the ones that pertained to hers and put them in the story as well. So what you have now. It's I would call it a patchwork quilt of a story and it's much more filled out, but still there's man, how do you get from here to here?
There's, I don't understand. So I went back and those, all [00:32:00] those accounts that were written were in the moment, and I'm a big believer that when you write something that happened like yesterday that like the grit and the teeth of the words you use and the emotion, you can't match that five years later.
You can recall the event, but there's no way you could describe like. The grit in that moment, like you could in the moment. So most of our book was, that was in the moment. So I went back through as a narrator and kind of wove it all together and maybe added a patch here, added a patch there, and then there were all these moments these Jesus moments that were, there's so undeniable.
It's incredible. And so the book exists as this informal conversation. So it would be like you, me and Raf are sitting around a campfire and. My voice in the book is in just normal font, full margin, normal font. Her voice is in bold. I don't go through and say, RAF, he's talking, Danny's talking. I don't it's not that way.
It just flows as one story. And [00:33:00] then the Jesus moments are in here, I got the books right here. The Jesus moments, as you can see, are shaded.
Emily: Oh, wow.
Danny: That's how you can tell who's talking in what portion of the book. And each Jesus moment at the end is finished off with a Bible verse that pertains to that particular moment.
Here's where it talks about it in the Bible. This is where it happened in our life type deal. So our story is told in three voices. It's told in RAF's voice, it's told in my voice, and it's told in God's voice. And it all tells this one story, which is overwhelmingly a story of hope. Yeah, cancer is the lens.
Loss is the lens, but it's a love story. It's a story of hope. It's much bigger than the suffering. And that's our book. So I was able to put that together after she passed. And then and then now it's here and it's a thing and it's crazy. And our kids wrote in there. So it's literally our family.
Brought this book together and it's just, it's a beautiful thing and I'm just, I'm so proud of it and I'm I've never been so proud of anything in my life [00:34:00] because we always wanted to do this, and when you have a goal as a couple and your person dies, so does your goal. So do all the things you were looking for, and that's hard to deal with.
So this was one thing that I could still check off the list. And it was done in a way that was, it's her voice. It's, these are her words. They're not, they, in her words, they're spelling errors, they're grammatical errors, they're typos. I didn't correct any of those. 'Cause that was how she wrote it.
And granted she didn't write it for a final draft, so maybe that's unfair. She was a much better writer than all these errors. But I felt like it was important to put it in there that way. Yeah. So very literally, you can see it's probably backwards. It might be backwards, but that's her name. No, you're good.
And then my name's right there. So we're co-authors, which is such a, it's such a beautiful thing and yeah.
Emily: It's just such a beautiful way of looking at something you both wanted to do together. Yeah. And in a [00:35:00] very real way, she was doing it without even knowing that she was actively participating in that or would be in the future.
And, yeah. It's gonna be a beautiful gift for your family and then for all of the people that read it and get to experience those Jesus moments and those interactions together like that, I think it's amazing.
Danny: Yeah, I have, it's interesting 'cause there, I've heard from people that have read it and they've said things like, I feel like RAF's in the room when I'm reading it.
And then many people have said, I feel like I have a friend in her. And I'm like, how crazy. Her voice, it's still speaking to people and it's such a, it's just it's such a, it's such a gift that I never saw coming. I didn't do it for this, but it just, it continually every day, I'll get a message from someone and it's your book changed my whole perspective.
It changed everything and it's such a, it's just a really cool experience.
Emily: Yeah, I love that. [00:36:00] So tell people maybe they're not watching, maybe they're just listening. The name of your book and where they can find it. And then I'll be sure to put, all the links in the show notes too.
Danny: Sure. So the book is called Thank You, cancer.
There is a Comma After. Thank you. That's a very important thing. I realize it's a polarizing title, but that's what it's called. And there's a very good reason for the name, but I'm not gonna tell you the reason you have to read it. But it is in the first, fifth of the book. So there, if you're in the US.
All of the US orders come through me if they're paperback books. So there is a link it's Blue Hat Publishing is the publisher. And you would order it from that link if you're in the United States, if you're outside of the States. It's on Amazon.
Emily: Okay. And there's, and there is
Danny: a Kindle version on.
Amazon, if you're in the United States, if you want Kindle, you can find it on Amazon. But also if you're in the US I will personalize the book for you. I really do care what people think of the book. I [00:37:00] really do care to hear from them. I ask everyone to please tell me your experience with the book.
And I'm not kidding, like I really want to know. And a lot of people don't. The amount of books that are out there and the amount of people I've heard from, there's a discrepancy there. So they haven't read the book or they're not telling me, but I would really like to, I would really like to know. It really matters because there's so much heart in this book, and it is so raw and vulnerable and intimate.
To have it out in the world is. Is a crazy experience.
Emily: Yep. That's amazing. And then where can people go to connect with you or follow you along the journey? I know we connected on Instagram, but is that the best place or are there other places?
Danny: Probably instagram's a great place, so Momentum with Danny is great place on Instagram.
Also, I, so I've had a lot of people ask me about a audio book for our book and. I really am at an impasse with that because RAF's not here to read her voice, and I don't [00:38:00] want someone else to read it, and I don't wanna do it with ai. I just can't figure out a way that, that seems genuine to me. But I have started writing on Substack.
I don't know if you're familiar with Substack or not. Yeah it's amazing. It's more of like a writer's haven. So I also have written a lot of poetry, which is weird, but the pain has poured out as poetry. I just, that's just how it showed up. So I've been writing on Substack and I'm gonna keep writing on Substack, but the reason I'm telling you this is because I'm also reading the book on Substack.
Emily: Oh.
Danny: So I told all the readers can go there and it's basically reading chapter by chapter. So it's not like an audio book, but it is an author read thing and. I'm not editing it. So it is very raw, it is very intimate. If my voice breaks, if I cry, I'm not stopping. I'm not trying to make it professional and perfect.
I think that's part of the deal. I've [00:39:00] also not read the entire book cover to cover yet. So it is my first read through of the entire book. Now I've written every part of it. I've done the pieces, in, in the editing, but I've not read it as a reader. So that's a new experience for me too.
So it's got a a certain kind of beautiful tilt to it. But I am doing that there because a lot of people have asked me to do that and I really wanted to come through on that. So that will live on Substack as will a ton more of what I'm gonna write. We'll all live there as well,
Emily: awesome.
Danny: And that's just at Danny Lesslie on Substack.
Emily: Okay, I'll make sure those links get in the show notes. So for people who are listening or on the go, you can go in there and find those links and connect with Danny. Thank you so much for coming on the show and just very openly sharing your story and what this journey has meant to you.
Danny: It's really, it's an honor. She was a gift and I couldn't imagine having [00:40:00] the life we had or the experience we had and just not telling people about it. I just, I could not imagine that. And to think that if I was to go back to the day we lost her and then not write, and not have the book and not, I couldn't live with myself if I didn't tell the story.
Yeah. And so I'm just so honored to be here and talk about her and that carries me forward, which is a beautiful thing because in, in grief especially, you feel so stuck. There's just no, nothing makes you wanna step one more step forward because it's one more step away from where you want to be.
And that's such a challenge. And in this season I've learned. That there's a great quote by Andrew Garfield, I'm sure you've probably heard it. It's that grief is all of the it's unexpressed love we have for the ones that we lost. And in that unexpressed is speaking of grief as a resource, [00:41:00] like love is a resource and it's there.
It's like a full bank account there to spend. It's like, why are you not spending it? That's the problem. I was realized that I wasn't giving the love that I had for her to anyone. I was just holding onto it and it was wearing me out. And once I realized that for me to spend, it was writing and it was sharing, and now I feel like that is what has allowed me to build a bridge to now from, to her.
And then it's led me forward. I love it. And so I just keep doing it.
Emily: I haven't thought about it that way, but that is a great way to look at it. And I heard, I wish I could remember who, but someone had shared that we often don't wanna move forward because we feel like we're moving further away from our person.
But if we believe that we're gonna see them again in heaven, then every day forward is just a day closer to the time that we get to see them again.
Danny: Yeah. It's its amazing.
Emily: Thought about it that way. It's,
Danny: yeah it's, [00:42:00] yeah, it's super cool. It's amazing how important the resurrection becomes when you lose someone.
And it sounds very silly to say that, but it's the truth. And it really, it really is that, it's that hope and there's always hope. It's just whether you wanna hold onto it.
The Brave Widow Academy is open now, and it's where I help widows just like you move from surviving to living with a proven path coaching and a community of other widows who get it. If you're ready to take the next step, go to brave widow.com/academy to join us. I'll see you on the inside.
