Allyson Podcast Episode
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Introduction and Upcoming Event
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Emily (2): welcome to another episode of the Brave Widow Show, episode number 1 78. Today I've dive into one of our Brave Widow Academy students, Allyson, her story, and before we dive into her story, if you're watching or listening to this fairly real time, I have an upcoming free live event that I would love to invite you to.
It'll be on Sunday, December 21st from six to 8:00 PM Central Time. It's called a widow winter solstice. And during this night, we're gonna have a panel of widows sharing their background, sharing some insights of things that they've learned along their widowhood journey.
We're gonna have activities, we're gonna have giveaways. I'm gonna give away books and Amazon gift cards, and. Things to do with the academy and coaching and all of those great things, and it's one of the most popular events [00:01:00] that I do all year long. Why winter solstice? Well, winter solstice is the longest night of the year, and so our goal is to have a gathering where we acknowledge and honor that the holidays can be hard for people.
And even though we're gathering on. The longest night of the year, every day going forward is gonna be a little bit brighter. So to sign up, go to brave widow.com/winter, W-I-N-T-E-R. Alright, let me introduce you to Allyson
Meet Allyson: A Brave Widow's Journey
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Emily (2): today I am talking with Allyson, who is part of the Brave Widow community. She's a mom of four, a woman of deep faith, and someone who's been through one of the hardest things that I can imagine. A few years ago on Christmas Eve, Allison was simply doing what many of us do that night, spending time with family, looking at lights, enjoying a simple, happy day with her husband, Chris and their kids, and then out of nowhere, her [00:02:00] life completely changed.
In this conversation, Allyson shares what those first days and months were really like when grief made it hard to breathe, and she wanted me to clarify that although some of the small, simple things that she did to keep her afloat might sound like it came easy to her, that doing those things. We're hard that stepping forward with something brave that she had to do, and she wants to encourage you to be able to do the same.
All right, let's jump into Allyson's story.
Emily: Welcome to the Brave Widow Show, where we help widows find hope, heal their heart, and dream again for the future. I'm your host, Emily Tanner. After losing my husband of 20 years, I didn't know how I could ever experience true joy and excitement again for the future. I eventually learned how to create a life I love, and [00:03:00] I've made it my mission to help other widows do the same.
Learn more at BraveWidow. com
Allyson, welcome to the show. I'm so excited and grateful that you are here with me today.
Allyson: Thanks, Emily. I am excited to be here and excited to get this done.
Emily: Okay, for some context, so Allyson is part of Brave Widow and she really has wanted to come on the podcast for a while, but also it's intimidating to be on camera and tell your story and but that's why you're a brave widow because we do the scary things.
Allyson: I do lots of scary things.
Emily: Yeah. Why don't you just share with our audience as much or as little as you want about your story and your part of your journey through widowhood.
Allyson: Okay.
Allyson's Story: Love, Loss, and Resilience
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Allyson: [00:04:00] I met my husband when I was 16 years old. We actually met at church and we we went to high school together and we sang in chorus together.
That was a big deal and that was fun and just something I'm so glad that we got to do. And we had lunch together. So about a year after we met, we started dating because my brother actually encouraged Chris is his name. I didn't say that, but encouraged him to ask me out and so he did. And we got married when we were 21 and we have four kids, two boys and two girls.
And they're now age 22 down to 12, and they're all amazing. So we had a good life [00:05:00] together. We had ups and downs, like everybody. And just six days after our 23rd wedding anniversary. We were the five of us were together, that, that were in Georgia at the time. 'Cause my oldest son was away out of the country.
And anyway, we were just having a normal Christmas Eve celebration and decided to go look at lights and, it was a really good day. It was a happy day, and until it wasn't because he had a heart attack that night when we were all together and passed away pretty quickly. My whole world got turned upside down.
Life as I knew it was just felt shattered. And it's been just about almost three years ago now, and. Just feel like I've been picking up the pieces since then and still just trying to live a good life because I put a lot of effort [00:06:00] into trying to have a happy life before. And so I'm just like, I'm gonna keep trying to do what I was doing before and, just looks a little different now and I've had to spend a lot of time trying to figure out what that, how it's gonna look. And there's still uncertainties, but just try to keep going.
Emily: Yeah.
Coping with Grief and Finding Support
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Emily: Being a mom of four and trying to figure out this crazy new life, how did you at all manage to balance like your grief, their grief, all the to-dos that have to get done? What helped you?
Allyson: I've had a lot of people holding me up for sure. I had. Help from family church, family, and the community just help from every direction and still do really. I know a lot, I've heard a lot of [00:07:00] widows say that, that their support system is not there like they hoped it would be, or people just go away and just.
I'm just really thankful and just still feel support from people around me, which I'm so grateful for.
Emily: That makes a huge difference. Even though it doesn't make it easy it's nice to feel that people care about you, that you don't forget about you, and that you're not a alone when you're having to walk through that journey with them.
Allyson: It does make a huge difference.
Emily: Also four kids and I know 'cause I have four Yeah. Is a lot. And it's hard to, I. Find that right balance of, I wanna be honest with my kids and not just pretend everything's fine and make space for them, but then also I need my own space or my own ability to process grief and just really what has happened.
Do you have any thoughts there that were things that maybe were [00:08:00] helpful or things that maybe you wish you would've done a little bit differently?
Allyson: So I think for me I'm gonna try all the things whatever, if I think it's gonna help, I'm gonna try it. If I think it's gonna keep myself or my kids happy and healthy, we'll do that.
So I've done a lot of things and one thing that, i'm really happy about is that I was in a very good place in my life and in my marriage before all this happened. And so I just had a lot of really good habits in place. I was in the habit of praying and just a daily, time of writing and just taking at least a few moments every day, even if it was only two minutes, just to write down a few things that I was grateful for.
And so that really helped me, that I had those habits in place and I was in the [00:09:00] habit of going to the gym and doing things that were keeping me happy before or, playing the piano and singing, and I just tried to keep doing all the things that as much as I could, that was, could lift my spirits.
And because it's just it's such a crushing blow to have to suffer that loss. And so I really. I was just so happy. I remember the first time just a couple days after Chris's death that I was able to go to the gym and I was just, I got home. I was like, that was awesome. Just, it was like the best class ever and it just was, I felt, I didn't feel normal at all.
I felt completely awful and in shock. Nothing felt normal, but it was nice to be like, to feel that I'm doing something that's a part of my normal life. And so that was [00:10:00] good. But there's been a lot of things that I've done to try to help myself. I've I had a life coach before and she helped me through a lot of things actually.
And, I still talk to her, but then she referred me to someone else. I went through her program early on and I did grief share and I joined your group back. It's been about almost a year now, and so that's been good. Just been trying to heal and. Deal with the pain. Find out, how that's gonna, and I will say that the pain is not so bad now because I just remember even maybe six months, a year, even a year and a half afterward, it would, sometimes it would be like, this just hurts so much that I can barely breathe.
I don't know what to do to deal with it, to try to make it stop, because sometimes it's just, it's it's so intense and [00:11:00] there's no break. And I would, even think wow, like being in labor, having a baby is painful. Like you get a break, you can breathe in between. I'm like, when's my chance to breathe?
Emily: That's such a great analogy because in grief, especially for some people, when it like rains, it just pours. And maybe that means it's one loss after another. Maybe that means we have someone who had all kinds of issues in their home and had to go through a major.
Reconstruction, remodeling scenario for months. It's just sometimes feels like you can't get a break, catch your breath, get a moment to even just process and focus on your grief. Like it just is never ending. And so that's really hard I think for people too.
Allyson: It's a lot to process and takes, it does take time.
It takes time and effort. And I remember I got [00:12:00] some things in the mail. So Chris, he was an organ donor and so the organ donation company sent some pamphlets and books and one of the things in their pamphlet has said, grieve grieving is some of the hardest work you'll ever do. And I just.
This was probably within a week or two, and I was just like oh, okay. I'm at the beginning of like the hardest work I'm ever gonna do. And it's pretty true. I would say it's really hard work to grieve. And also one thing that was. I was glad that he was an organ donor because I felt like, okay, this is really awful for us, but someone else is gonna benefit from this.
And then I like to listen to a lot of podcasts, which is how I found you. It was your podcast. And so I heard a podcast, I think it was just that TED talk about organ donation and they were talking about the timeline of how fast they have to get. Things to people the organs to people [00:13:00] after, the, they can't just keep it on ice for weeks usually.
And so anyway, I was just, one day I realized okay, so Chris passed away Christmas Eve evening, and. It just made me so happy one day when I was like, wow, somebody had a nice Christmas. Maybe somebody got a new kidney, or, they, he, they, his heart couldn't be donated just the way it was, but they did say that they would be able to use parts of his heart's, his heart to help two babies that Oh, wow.
And so I just thought, wow, somebody. Hopefully somebody had a good Christmas, because what better Christmas could you get than to have, possibly a lifesaving organ come your way.
Emily: What a beautiful way to be able to look at it when you could be bitter about that and feel like Christmas is gonna be ruin the rest of your life.
But to be able to [00:14:00] say out of something tragic and horrible. Something beautiful can still come out of that. And I love that. Yeah.
The Role of Faith in Healing
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Emily: So how did your experience with faith change your grief? Did you feel like you became stronger in faith? Did you ever go through a period where you questioned God?
Like, why did you let this happen? Everybody has such a different. Reaction initially to that, but how was faith for you in that experience?
Allyson: So initially what was, there was a lot of shock involved for me. Just okay, wow, that just happened. Wow. I just initially, I didn't even feel any pain over any of it because it was just so shocking. But what I did feel was a sense of hope that my life wasn't over, and I just, that's a huge [00:15:00] miracle because how can someone feel like that right after you know their.
Husband and I just know that there were angels there that brought that hope. And
I do think my faith has strengthened through all of this, but also it's been tested because I have, been through the, I try not to ask why, but just still the feelings come of like why does, this has have to happen? Why does this have to be so hard? I know that God loves me, but this is, it's so difficult.
But ultimately, again, because I. Did know, and I do know that God loves me. I know that in the end, nothing is lost. And
I love the saying. I've heard several times just if it's not good, it's not over. Story's not over.
Emily: That's great. [00:16:00] And a great way to look at it. And it is hard to reconcile like God loves me and God is good, and also this bad thing happened. And yes, we know in life sometimes bad things happen, but God also does miracles sometimes.
And in this case that you know didn't happen. And so how we try to reconcile the messiness of. All of those things together can be, really confusing.
Stepping Out of the Comfort Zone
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Emily: One thing that I'm very proud of you for is that you are a person who just steps forward. You step outta your comfort zone. You've taken a trip across the country, you've gone hiking.
Like you do a lot of things to be very active personally in the community with other people, maybe with other. Widows and widowers or just people in your local community there and to do things that, for a lot of widows, [00:17:00] they would really struggle with that. Have you always just been naturally good at that or is there anything that you've done that has helped you overcome any doubts or hesitations or fear with becoming just more active and more social and doing some of those things?
Allyson: I think it just goes back to I'm gonna do whatever I need to do to stay happy and healthy for myself and my kids. And I'm especially motivated to be healthy now that my parent, my, my kids have one parent and it's okay, I gotta be there for them. I think one thing for me, it's been harder for me to be at home as much. I love being at home. I love to be at home and cook a nice meal and play the piano and read a book, listen to my audio books. I just, I love my house. But. It's been hard because Chris is not here anymore [00:18:00] and it's been
Okay, now who do I cook dinner for? I still have four kids, but two of them don't live here. And one of them's gone a lot because she's 19 and she has a life and. And then it's oh, okay, my youngest doesn't even care if I cook dinner. Actually he does. He eventually said to me, how come you don't cook anymore?
And I said do you? I said, why should I cook dinner soup and complain about it? So I've been trying to make him some stuff that he likes. He told me he likes chicken noodle soup. How come you don't make that anymore? Okay, I'll make that if you're going to eat. But. I just noticed it's harder for me to just be at home and feel content.
So I've done gone out and done more things than I would've done otherwise. There's things that I was gonna do anyway. For example, I do wanna mention this. So I think it was probably the end of November, maybe the beginning of December, I decided. Prior to my husband's death with Chris, we decided [00:19:00] to join Choir in January and we're gonna do this together.
And this was a choir that he sung in for lots of years, and I did. And we did it together. And sometimes it was just him. Or there was even one time when we switched off every other week so that one of us could be home with the kids. And it was a date night thing for us too, because. Lots of years, we would just pay a babysitter and we'd go to choir.
And so I had been waiting a couple years for him to do it with me. And so it finally was gonna work out the schedules. 'cause the reason why we weren't is 'cause our kids were just busy and we were busy driving them places or whatever. And even though they were old enough to stay home on their own.
So I was so excited we were gonna join choir together and then. The sudden death and it was like, okay, I'm still gonna be in choir. And that was very good thing for me to do. I just felt, such a, so loved while I was there and just, it was something I could do every one evening a week.
[00:20:00] So there was that and then but just I'm. I just need to be out doing more things and be with people. And so I've done things with singles groups and, went to Alabama and went camping, which I was very I don't know if I would've done it without your encouragement really, but it was just really one of the best trips ever to go do that.
And everything was fine. My kids were fine and happy at home and that they got to do their own fun things.
specifically I'm thinking back to this past Valentine's Day. I thought that's fine. I can just stay home and. I just realized I was mad all day long and I was making my kids clean the house.
And that's what, and I thought, never again I'm gonna stay home on Valentine's Day and clean the house. I will go somewhere and do something fun. And it just, it was funny because I couldn't, I didn't know why I was so mad until the end of the day and I was like duh, it's Valentine's Day and I'm mad that Chris is [00:21:00] not here, even though it.
That thought didn't come to me at the beginning of the day. I just kept having to check myself, like, why do I wanna yell at my kids? That's not something I normally do. So now I know I just need to plan things, especially with holidays. I just have to have a plan. Gotta go do something fun. And get with some people that I can enjoy being with.
Emily: That's really helpful for people to hear right before the holidays here. I just talked to someone earlier this week and this is gonna be their first like Thanksgiving and Christmas and, one of the biggest questions is always what should I do? What am I supposed to do?
And it's we can decide whatever you want to do. But it just helps to have a plan so that you can always reflect back on this is what I decided I wanted to do, and I can do something different next year. But you don't just wake up on that day feeling discouraged and lost because you didn't have a plan.
Life Coaching and Personal Growth
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Emily: And that can create a whole another whirlwind of emotions too so I know you've worked with a life coach [00:22:00] before. You are also very, I would say, self-aware and into like emotional intelligence and psychology and just some of those topics, like you're really sharp with that. So for the lay person who's never.
Heard of a life coach, never done coaching. Maybe they're familiar with therapy, but they're just curious what does a life coach do or what do you get out of life coaching or what do you enjoy about it? In general what is something that you would tell people? Like how it has helped you or what you typically get out of working with somebody who's a life coach.
Allyson: For me personally, I feel like I've been helped a lot more by life coaches than therapists and nothing against therapists, i've just never really had one that I just really liked personally. And I know that other people have had lots of help from therapists, so I think it's just the people that I've met.
I've just happened to [00:23:00] meet the right life coach. And part of it for me might be like with you, I was able to be a quiet observer of you for a long time before I decided to work with you. Like I already knew a lot about you when we started working together because. I had listened to your podcast for over a year before I signed up for your program and I knew what I was coming into.
I think it's hard to start with somebody new 'cause you gotta figure each other out and so I think for me, when I, before I started working with you, I just was able to see hey, this is somebody that. I like what she's doing here and so I'm gonna try it out.
Emily: Yeah, I think you're right. It does help to have a feel for people and having the right personality fit goes a long way with being able to.
Work with them and accomplish some of the things that they're working [00:24:00] on. And you've now got to experience like almost some different versions of Brave Widow with coaching and then also grief Recovery method and now as part of the academy. And so I don't know if there's anything that you would share of what you've enjoyed about that, or even if it's something small, like a little shift or something that.
Has been one of the more impactful things that has helped you?
Allyson: I'll just go back to life coaching in general. One thing that's been really helpful for me with life coaching is just having someone there who's cheering me on, someone who's interested in my progress. Someone who can really share in my wins with me, because that's been really big for me to be able to say, Hey, I'm working on this.
And then come back a month later or whenever it is and say, wow, look at all this progress. Just for me to be able to track my progress with a life coach and to [00:25:00] celebrate the wins has been really helpful.
I really appreciate being able to just talk through things with you. And I really appreciated, for example, the camping trip that I took to Alabama. I was just I don't know. I don't know. I don't, I was really like very hesitant to leave my kids for the weekend, even though if they're big enough.
My 12-year-old got to go to his really good buddy's house and he thought it was the greatest thing ever. It just was hard to be like, okay, I'm gonna go like four and a half hours away and go camping with a bunch of people that I don't know. And, but I just couldn't let it go really.
'cause I was like, man, I just wanna go see those waterfalls. It was a waterfall camping trip. And, again, I don't, I just don't know if I would've really, I, it would've been really easy for me to be just like, oh I should stay home with my kids because that's what I do. I take care of my kids and that's my priority. And it is my priority, but that doesn't mean I can't go have a trip and go hike and see some waterfalls.[00:26:00]
Yeah. I thought grief recovery method was really helpful. The class I thought it was really hard, but again, grieving and grief work is the hardest work that you probably ever do. I hope so. I don't want it to keep getting harder, but who knows what's ahead, I would definitely recommend that as part of just everything trying to get through the grief.
I also enjoyed being able to be in the group where we've got one group that meets every week and it's the same group.
I like that. Even though. Getting to know people within the community. I feel like it's been slow. I really liked just recently when you said, let's have a what did we call it when I was organizing my bathroom drawers and think you were on a walk and the other person on the call was organizing her recipes.
And that was the first time that [00:27:00] I really had a chance to talk to the other widow who was. Who was on the call when it, we weren't there to like, go through a curriculum, but we were just trying to socialize while we were also getting something done at home. Yeah. So I still, I'm like, oh, I wanna get to know her better.
And I always like getting to know new people, but I also get a little overwhelmed with it because then it's there's so many people and I wanna be friends with everybody and, but I definitely. Highly value relationships, so I appreciate that part of the academy.
Emily: Yeah, like just being able to, even to me, I can see how hearing other people's stories or knowing that they're going through some of the same things or that you have something in common with someone else is really helpful in just having that sense of community and closeness.
Advice for the Newly Bereaved
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Emily: So as you think about the person who is going to watch [00:28:00] this or hear this, and they're earlier on in grief, so they're really struggling. They are struggling to believe that life will ever get better. That they're just like really in the thick of it and they don't want a future because they're still wanting the past.
But they're desperate to know can life get better? Does it get easier? All of the questions people typically ask in the beginning. What would you say to that person, or what advice would you give them as they are trying to move through that?
Allyson: Just hang on, hold on. I it's tough. It's really tough. And just whatever it is, one foot in front of the other just keep going. Just keep singing, but maybe it's not singing for you. It is for me, but. Whatever it is that's going to keep you happy, do that. And not the things that [00:29:00] like, okay, I'm going to eat 25 cookies.
That really might be fun, but it's not gonna make you feel good ultimately. Just don't. Don't let yourself be alone because you're not. There's people around that want to help. Sometimes it takes a little bit of effort to find them, but they're there.
Emily: Really great advice from you. So thank you so much for coming on the show today and just being willing to bravely put your face out there and your story out there. I know that isn't easy. Is there, are there any last words or is there anything else that you would want people to know?
Allyson: I do wanna say that I really appreciate you, Emily, and what you're doing, and.
I love that your husband is so proud of you. Your husband that you're remarried to, and probably your first husband too yeah, I bet Nathan's proud of you too. I love that. And I'm [00:30:00] just really. Glad to have been able to work with you and soak up some of your knowledge and experience and yeah, I think you say beautiful prayers.
I, I wanted to mention that. And I also wanna say that I think that you can help, I like that you have the whole Christian aspect within your. Your work. But for anyone who might not be religious or not Christian, I think that you could still help anyone. Cause you do great work and thank you.
Been able to help me talk through some things and give me different ideas and perspective that I'm like, okay all right. And.
Emily: Yeah, I appreciate that. I've really enjoyed having you as part of the Brave Widow tribe and just people often ask isn't what you do really hard? Isn't it hard to sit with people you know at some like their worst moments?
And it's yeah, there are times where it's [00:31:00] hard, but. I also just think it's such an honor. Like it's an honor because you're watching people grow and learn and do things that, that sometimes even beyond what they thought was. Possible for themselves or what to see, to have hope for the first time, or to branch out and go on a camping trip for the first time or like whatever it is that they're doing.
It's just getting to witness that part of the journey is like amazing. Because you and so many other people are just doing really amazing things. And so I have really enjoyed getting to see that.
Resources and Final Thoughts
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Emily: One of the questions that I often get is, if you have any favorite resources or things that have been helpful to you in this journey, what would you tell people?
Allyson: So I was trying to figure out the whole social security benefits thing, and I just wasn't finding it online. I mentioned I do [00:32:00] love podcasts. I was like someone said a podcast about this. And so I found this podcast. I don't think she's still releasing episodes, but it's called he's Gone, but the Money's not.
And she was able to really help me with my questions about social security, but other things too, to the point that I did hire her as a financial advisor. So really like her. Shout out to Nicole. And one thing that I, that helps me is music. Singing, playing, listening. So I tend to just try to find songs that will help me or I really like this song called middle of a Miracle.
It's by Emerson Day. I think it's been released just this year, but it's a newer song and. I just think there's a lot in there that's that just really sounds like my situation because she talks about how, you might feel like everything's shattered, but there's still [00:33:00] hope and God has a future for you.
And I really like that song and. I wanted to also give a shout out to Brad, who you connected me with, Emily. That was actually a miracle because I went to Utah and I met Brad, but I didn't get any contact information and then the next time I went to go meet with you, you said, oh, somebody emailed me and said that they liked my podcast, somebody from Roy, Utah.
And I was like, what? That's, I met somebody from Roy, Utah, and that's where my parents live. But anyway, so you were able to connect us. So that was something cool that you did and yeah. So yeah, I to one of your very loyal listeners who's. On top of listening to the podcast than I am.
Emily: Brad, you get a special shout out and a gold star for number one, not just being a listener and observer of this show, [00:34:00] but number two, sending me an email just to share your feedback, because sometimes it's like I'm speaking out into the void and I have no idea does something resonate with someone or not.
And that is hilarious. It is really a small world and like what are the odds that all of that would have lined up so perfectly. But yeah, I'm glad you guys were able to connect.
Allyson: Yeah, and I was just, I just was impressed that he took the time to email you and tell you basically thank you for what you were doing, I think is what he was doing.
It's hard to remember to take the time to say thank you, and you just don't think about it. So
Emily: yeah. So for everybody listening right now, go leave us a review. Leave us a review on the Apple Podcast and Spotify, wherever you're listening to this.
Allyson had no idea. We'll just plug that right in there. You don't even have to send me an email. Just leave us a review and that will help us grow and that will help [00:35:00] Allison get her story out to more people and just all of the things. All right, thanks, Emily.
Conclusion and Call to Action
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Emily: If you're tired of feeling lost, lonely, and second guessing every decision, my coaching program is meant for you. I help clients find clarity, create real connection, and build confidence up for good. Inside
the Brave Widow Academy
Emily: you'll learn real tools that you'll be able to use for a lifetime.
If you're ready for the next step, go to brave widow.com to book a consult. It's free. It's no pressure, and it can be your brave next step to healing your heart and building a life you love again. Go to brave widow.com today to book your consult.
