Casey Podcast 164
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Introduction and Special Guest Announcement
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[00:00:00]
Emily: Hey, hey, and welcome to episode number 164 of the Brave Widow Show. Today I have a very special guest. It's one of my own brave widows, Casey Engles, and she is going to share with you part of her story. What she experienced as a widow, how she found Brave Widow, and what life has looked like, over the majority of this year.
So I cannot wait for you to hear her story and what she has to share. So let me introduce you to Casey.
Meet Casey Engles
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Emily: Casey lives in Georgetown, Kentucky with her one-year-old daughter. She graduated from Florida Atlantic University with a bachelor's degree in exercise science and health promotion. She's 36 and works from home for a corporate wellness company.
When she's not working, Casey is probably spending time with friends, going outside, working on her podcast or planning her next adventure. She enjoys traveling, eating good food, and seeing live music [00:01:00] in 2024. Casey experienced the devastating loss of her soulmate and husband of 10 years, only five months after the birth of their daughter.
Her hope is that by sharing her story, it brings hope and strength to others who are on a similar journey. Casey has the Widow Fire Podcast, which will be coming soon, starting in September. All right, let's dive into Casey's story.
Welcome to The Brave Widow Show. I'm your host, Emily Tanner. The Brave Widow Academy is open for enrollment right now. If you're a widow, feeling stuck, lost or just ready to start living again, but don't know where to start, this is your next step. It's the only program that gives you a clear proven process to rebuild your identity, your confidence, and your life after loss.
To learn more or to enroll today, just head to [00:02:00] bravewidow.com/academy. I'll see you on the inside.
Emily: Casey. Welcome to the show and thank you for being willing to come share your story. Thank you. Yeah, I'm glad to be here. I'm glad we're finally doing this. Yes, me too. And I know that our audience would love to know just more about you and about your story, and as they see your video, if you're not watching the video, Casey's very young and beautiful and just has a very fiery, vibrant.
Presence. And so people are always curious about widows who are younger and some of the challenges that we face. So I would love to dive into your story, just wherever you'd like to start.
Casey: Sure. Yeah. Thank you. You are young and beautiful too, Emily. But I am here.
Casey's Love Story and Tragic Loss
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Casey: Unfortunately, we are friends because we have this terrible thing in common where we both lost our [00:03:00] husband's, very different ways.
But yeah, I am 36 years old and I met my husband when I was 17. So his name is Joel and we dated all the way through like. He was at my high school graduation. He was at my college graduation. We did long distance and grew up together, and after college made the decision to start our careers out.
He was looking at jobs in Texas. I got a job in Kentucky and ultimately decided that's where we would start our life. So I moved up. He found a job and moved up. We got married the next year and. Just had like a great year or two of marriage. When we first got married, we bought a house, we got a puppy and everything was like falling into place for us.
And then in 2016, less than two years after we were married, it was right about two years, he started experiencing symptoms of like balance and fine motor [00:04:00] control headaches. And ultimately we found out that he had a brain tumor. In his cerebellum. So I was 27, he was 29 at the time. Just incredibly young, incredibly scary.
One of the worst days of my life. And that started an eight year journey of. Surgeries, chemo, CyberKnife radiation infertility struggles because we couldn't get pregnant the natural fun way. So he sperm banked and we did IVF to preserve embryos in 20 20, 20 21. And then, he was good for a while after his second surgery and we were really hopeful that we had many more years together.
So we went and did a transfer and started our family and when I was five months pregnant with our daughter, Georgia. Joel had a bad scan again, and we ultimately went to the Duke Brain Tumor Center [00:05:00] in North Carolina while I was pregnant. They put him on a clinical trial drug and he, we did everything that they.
Told us was even possible to do to address tumor surgery wasn't an option again at that point, 'cause it was progressing in a cerebellum, close to the brainstem. So he started to really struggle at this point last year. And um, ultimately passed last September when our daughter was five and a half months old.
So last year was the. Hardest year of my life, um, with the most beautiful day of like when our daughter was born, sandwiched in there. Um, still recovering and, and healing from all of that and will be for a long time.
The Journey Through Grief and Finding Support
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Casey: But in the process of that one thing was really helpful for me. September, October, November last year I think was when I found you and your show.
Just like searching Apple podcasts for widow widowhood, hearing people and sharing their stories. The Hot Young Widows Club was one of the first resources that I [00:06:00] found by Nora McNerney and she just very openly speaks about how this is like. Not great. This is nobody's plan, plan A for their life.
But you know, here we are. And I think her husband also passed from brain cancer, so she was very relatable to me early on and young in our thirties I believe. So that started. I just found the Brave Widow Show and then I found you as a resource for coaching and I think you ran a special, like around that time last year and I was like, I'm gonna do it because one thing you said in, in one podcast episode, and we'll have to link it in the show notes, but it's always helped me, was your realization that your kids already lost their father and that they couldn't also lose their mother.
And I was like, yes. I literally remember when I heard that for the first time, I had such a resolve to be like. You have to kind of almost get angry and like find that strength to be like, no, absolutely not. Like I was in the throes of grief, crying every day, cried every day for almost a year, [00:07:00] and was like, not to mention postpartum, and our daughter was in the NICU for nine weeks, but you're not at your best.
I was not at my best and I just was like, I need to get better to be a better mother. And so that is kind of the driving force of like, why, how we're here now. I have since gone back to work last fall and um, have a lot of support from friends and family in rebuilding whatever our new reality looks like now.
But yeah, I am just coming up on one year. I think in the widow space, we kind of all look at each other like, wait, how long has it been for you? And how long has it been? Because it kind of gives us hope, you know, like at three or four months, if you're listening now, like I would look to people that were just a little bit ahead of me in the journey.
And it's crazy how fast time keeps moving, especially when you have a toddler and you're seeing like her developmental milestones. So. Yeah, that's me and that's how [00:08:00] we got here.
Emily: Oh, thank you for sharing that. As I think about your story, I just I can't even imagine, and I know that people watching this won't be able, able to either, like you and Joel really kind of grew up together, but.
Part of the challenge was it wasn't even a, we'll say, typical marriage experience where, yeah, for so many years, whether you were his caretaker or whether you were just worried about what does this mean? Like brain cancer's a really heavy diagnosis and. There had to have been so many times where it was in the back of your mind and you wondered, well, how much longer will we have and should we try to have children and should we, you know, you could have felt robbed of so many experiences in life or so many opportunities in that relationship.
And people. Often [00:09:00] don't like to be told that they're strong or brave or any of those things 'cause they think they didn't have a choice. Yeah. And to an extent that's true. But I believe that you do have a choice. You could have been bitter, you could have been resentful, you could have shut. Like down from the world and, and given up and decided that life was just unfair and it was against you.
But just having known you, you know, these past several months and having heard your story and walked part of this journey with you, you certainly have grief and you certainly have processed that. But the optimism for a future life and the belief that you can still create something good. Just comes out of you.
And I think that's just really beautiful and I wanna acknowledge you for making that decision earlier in your journey.
Casey: Aw, thank you. That's so validating to hear from you.
Balancing Grief and Motherhood
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Casey: Um, [00:10:00] but yeah, if I think back, like part of my healing has been really acknowledging that it's been hard for a long time, that Joel was very sick for a long time and that the cancer and.
The caregiving and the deterioration of his health and how that impacted our relationship and our planning. Like we could never plan really, like further than six months into the future. And, um, with the pregnancy thing, like it was, it was like ultimately we just knew we wanted to have a family together.
And so, I credit him a lot because I guess like. One of his coworkers found me, stopped me at a nail salon since he passed, actually, and told me that they were talking at work one day and he was like, whatever happens to me in the future, I just wanna make sure that I leave Casey with a baby, and so she's not alone.
So it was like very much a focus of, you know, we just knew that. And [00:11:00] I think a lot of people probably would've made different choices maybe in that situation. But we just knew that however long we had together, we wanted that experience of having a family. And I wish we had more time together, but at the same time, like I see the beauty of.
Like when she did come and how she came and how she is here now. And I see I see myself having gone through this without her would've been a completely different story. Like, she's really helped me to have hope for the future because how can you not, you know? Um, and like I said, your comment about like just making sure I'm okay so that she doesn't also lose her mom in this.
I don't know. I mean, in exercise I studied exercise science. We talk about motivation for life change. Whether you're gonna go to this group fitness class to make your friend happy or to be able to post it on Instagram. That's external motivation. And internal motivation is like where it comes from within.
And I don't know, for me in [00:12:00] my grief journey, if it's been like a mix, like there's that external motivation of Georgia, but then there is the internal motivation too, where I'm like, well, I still get to be here. Like I still get to be alive and. Lord willing, I could have another 36 years and like that was just, it's hard to see that at first though.
It was really hard to see that you do wanna just like curl up and die. Seriously. And I think a part of me did, just like a lot of listeners probably feel, I don't think we're ever the same when you go through this, but yeah, like. We still get to be alive. And so I, that's why working with you has been so helpful because I am in therapy, but I feel like, I don't know if you explained this to me or I just read it somewhere, but therapy is like helping me sort out the past and the grief coaching and working with you has helped me to like focus on the future.
So I think we have to do both.
Emily: Yeah, I think you put that really well. Um, that is a question that people typically have is, [00:13:00] you know, what's the difference between coaching and therapy? And can I do both at the same time? Should I do both at the same time? Would you mind to share just a little bit more about how you view the differences or, or why you feel that both help support you?
Therapy vs. Coaching: Finding the Right Support
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Casey: Yeah, I absolutely, I mean, at least every week I think I either have therapy or talk with you. I think for me, I'm like a verbal processor. I'm social connections, things that I learn and help me usually come from conversation or relationship. So for me, it works. Uh, maybe not everyone. Is like that. But my therapist has been a constant for me through the IVF and the cancer treatment, and she deeply knew how much I loved Joel and how hard we fought, and I shared with her things about that process as it was happening that I've not shared with anyone.
So now. The way things happened where he did pass, you know, she's able to have that context and that history to [00:14:00] kind of know where I've struggled in the past and what I might need to talk about or just how these new pieces of my life are fitting together. And I think that. As much as I joke that it's like KC 2.0, that this is a new era, like I'm still carrying with me my story and that's why I'm so thankful for you and the opportunity to share because like it makes us who we are, that strength and that, that choosing positivity, like, yeah, if I didn't have to, I wouldn't have, if I didn't have to confront the depths of like myself.
And what I'm really capable of. Like I did that through caregiving, you know, and through showing up for Joel over and over. Um. When it felt like I couldn't, you know, I really believe that that love and strength did come from a higher power. And I talked to someone who was like, well, don't, offload all that credit?
Like, you know, you found that strength within yourself, but I'm telling you like there were times, and maybe you can [00:15:00] relate that it just wasn't me. Like, it just was some kind of supernatural like download of love and patience and grace. I didn't have anything else to give, you know, and I still feel like that with parenting sometimes, but.
Ultimately Therapy has helped me with that. And working with you, we talk about what are you doing now, you know, like renovations around your house or, um, like we talked about my haircut when we got on the call, we're talking about now and what we're doing in the next couple months and how I'm recreating or trying new things.
How it's okay to like. Fumble you know, I've had like some things I've talked to you about even in the past that it's like, like that didn't really work out. The way I was thinking it might, but it's still a learning opportunity and you're so good at reminding me and reframing things like, you tried something that's a win and like, you know, it's okay.
And that whole attitude in widowhood. Is like new to me. 'cause I've always been like pretty type A, I like a plan, [00:16:00] I like checking things off a list and there is no formula in widowhood. And so just having someone like yourself who's been through this, like my therapist is not a widow, right? So you. Are and, um, have that lived experience to offer.
So I think that's like the biggest difference.
Emily: Yeah. Yeah.
Faith, Hope, and Moving Forward
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Emily: And I totally resonate with your thoughts around faith and God. And people will say God doesn't give you more things than you can handle. That's not very biblical, because yeah, he gives us things more than we can handle, so we learn to rely on him and not to rely on ourselves or even other people.
And so I absolutely couldn't. I don't know. I don't know. I, I had someone who said, you know, everything you do is faith-based. You need to come out with something for widows that don't have faith, that don't believe in God and, and how to help them. And it took me a while to [00:17:00] figure out how to respond because I thought.
Well, I don't know what I would've done. I don't know what would've brought me peace. I don't know how I would've reconciled just all the conflicting emotions and picking up the wreckage and mm-hmm. You are such a beautiful illustration of someone who. Can have endured one of the worst things that we can imagine.
And you can look at your child, your beautiful Georgia, and say, we can still have hope for the future when nothing about my past would indicate that we're gonna have a great life and a great future. We've gone through so much suffering and ups and downs and unknowns and fears and all of the things, but.
You believe that God is good, that there is still a good future in store for you, so you can have that amount of hope and belief that if you just take it one step at a time, that you can create something different.
Casey: Yeah, I feel like, like [00:18:00] I owe it to Georgia kind of and myself because we've been through so much and like that's over now and there's like you can roommate on it and like relive it.
And that's why I think there's some misunderstanding about, and we'll talk about the Widow Fire podcast later, but. There's some misunderstanding about me wanting to talk about it more and share. It's not that I'm living in the past, it's that I'm focused on building a future and like you don't get there without going through.
And somehow not even like spinning it to help other people, but it's like just owning my story I think is part of it. Like you can't pretend it didn't happen. Someone told me over the weekend, you can't change the past, you know, the past. Is the past. And I wish so much that Joel had more time, he had so much to like contribute to the world and it's just the cards kind of, he would say like the cards were dealt the way they were and he believed that God had a plan.
[00:19:00] And he told me close to the end that. He's like, well, maybe this is all happening so that you could learn something so that you could share something, or like that it would be part of my purpose. And that was such a gift because like you try to make sense of why anything happens. Right. And I think even for him to say that has really made me feel like, well, if there is something for me to learn in this, if there is something for me to share, I don't wanna miss it.
'cause I don't want it to be for nothing. You know, like. Maybe it is me trying to just kind of figure that piece out. Because, and the other thing about finding you and the widow podcasts early on and the Facebook groups and stuff, that's really the only thing that helped me to feel like. I wasn't the only one that there was hope and that it does get better, you know, talking to widows that have rebuilt or are, you know, maybe we're still continuing to rebuild for years, but.
Like just seeing somebody who's like [00:20:00] happy again. It's like, oh, if it's possible. This is One of my other widow friends told me that his attitude was like, if it's possible, I'm gonna figure that out. There is no other way, you know? Yes. Other than, like you said, just laying down and being miserable.
Emily: Yeah, absolutely. And you know, with all the Facebook groups, it's a mixed bag and you have people that are like, it never gets better and it's always awful. And you just, you learn to deal with it. And it's like, well that's depressing. But then you have other people that are like,
Casey: there is a lot of that. And I have, yes.
Emily: Yeah, and then you have other people that are like, no, you can't actually be happy again. But sometimes there's confusion like, how do we get there? What do we have to do? I wanted someone to give me the, the roadmap, and I just felt lost. Like, what am I supposed to do? As my next step. So yeah, like
Casey: action step, like what do I even do?
Because I'm having a hard time remembering to eat and like there were times where I couldn't even do my own [00:21:00] laundry. I was like taking my laundry to the laundromat just to like. Keep up with life. Um, yeah, you feel so disoriented and like a broken human because literally, I would say like my brain is broken.
Like my brain doesn't work the same way it used to. There are times where I'm like, okay, I am finding a groove again. Like I'm a little bit more clearheaded and there's a lot of lifestyle factors there. Like I feel better when I exercise. I feel better when I eat healthy. So you can support your body physically too, but grief is such a.
Like a physical thing too, like, it affects your brain chemistry, it affects your appetite, your sleep, your hormones. I just feel like I've been going through this fire of transformation because I had been grieving, right? Anticipatory grief, but until he actually passed and until a few weeks before when I actually like.
Realized, oh, this isn't gonna end with him recovering, you know, I still held [00:22:00] onto hope and it was only like the week leading up to his death that we had looked at each other and acknowledged like, this is probably the end, you know, and we've done everything we can. And so all I could do was be there with him and make sure he wasn't alone and try to keep him comfortable and I think that's when the real grief hit.
Coping Mechanisms and Out-of-Character Actions
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Casey: So even though I had anticipatory grief, it was like, that was when my, my brain broke because I literally started smoking like two weeks before he passed. I'm like a fitness person, like never in a million years with smoke, and I was struggling so much. I remember somebody handed me a cigarette.
I was staying with this older lady when we took him over to the. Second opinion at Duke, and she was smoking and I was like, gimme one of those. Like, I just needed to do something that wasn't like, characteristic of Casey. And like, I couldn't get drunk. I couldn't like abuse drugs. I was like, I needed to do something.
And when I took a drag off a cigarette, I just felt [00:23:00] like. It was like a, and I hope this is okay to say, but I felt like it was giving the universe a middle finger. Like just like, screw this. Like this is not what I wanted to happen. And so I'm just gonna start smoking. And I smoked for like two weeks. I would just go out into the driveway and cry and smoke and then come back inside.
And one night Joel was like, he was in bed at this point. And he was like, are you, did you smoke? He could smell it on me. And I said, yeah. I was like, I was trying to hide it from you. I said, it's helping. And I was just like crying and smoke and then, I don't know, go back inside and face whatever needed a face.
The baby was like sleeping upstairs. My dad had stayed with us at this point, but anyway, he was like, don't do that. Just don't smoke. He's like, take care of yourself. And I was like, okay. I will never smoke again. And that was like a promise that I made, but it was just so unlike me and I felt like that's when the doing crazy things because of grief started.
Right. And that was like [00:24:00] about a year ago. Um. I've done lots of other crazy things since then, but I've never smoked again. That's good. You've held true to your promise. I need to hold true to that promise. Yes. I told him I wouldn't, it's not good for you. But it was just like kind of a funny thing looking back because after the fact my girlfriends came over, like between the death and the funeral.
And we had a girl's night and I cried with them and I was like, I started smoking and I quit. And they were like, what? Like literally my best friend was like, what? Because I wasn't even like texting people back at that time. I was just like hauling, like hauling away, trying to get through every day. But yeah.
I'm sure all widows that you talk to have done something out of character.
Emily: Oh yes. Many, including myself. I've done many things that I'm like, I am not sure. Who would've that get about that?
Reflecting on the Past Year
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Emily: That that even happened. Yeah. Erase it. Yeah. Not my best look. Yeah. You know, here you are. This is September that he [00:25:00] passes of last year.
I think you joined Brave Widow. Maybe it was like Black Friday. So it's the end of November, first part of December. You took the leap of faith. And I think that the work that you've done with your therapist and that you continue to do probably helped you more than the average person with processing the trauma of what you were experiencing.
But can you remember? If you can remember then, what was different about your mindset and just kind of where you were back in December as far as thinking about grief or rebuilding life or what your future might hold. Like what did that look like for you then?
Embracing Change and Moving Forward
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Casey: Yeah, I think, uh, at the beginning of working with you, it was harder for me to.
Be comfortable changing things. So like, even if I just think about my environment, the closet was exactly how he left it. The house was exactly how he left it. I was [00:26:00] kind of in a fog of like, I didn't wanna change anything because it felt comfortable and kind of strangely like. He was still close and I knew that I would in time.
I was just like, well, I'm not ready for that yet. And obviously like was struggling getting Georgia to like sleep through the night and just working and not taking on anything additional. But I think that was a big difference. And then now if I think about what I've done in the last six months, like, you know, we've talked about, um, I had a contractor come out and we started doing renovations on my bedroom in my closet, and that forced me to go through everything in my closet and go through all of his things and then like separate things like this could go to his friend.
This I wanna keep forever for Georgia. These are things we can donate. And I've how I felt like this momentum of. This is moving me forward because I'm not keeping everything as if it like as it was. I'm like questioning now. Is that what I want? Do I [00:27:00] like it like that? You know, we've talked about things around the house or like, I've even started to ask people to take their shoes off when they come in the house.
Like something small like that. We never did that before, but now I'm like, it's a new era. It's my house, my rules. I can like make them up. I can change them. Um.
Navigating Grief and Making Decisions
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Casey: I actually have had thoughts of like going to the grocery store and like, I should just buy something I've never bought before because grocery shopping is hard at first.
Like I've heard other widows say that because then you think about, oh, I used to buy that for him. I used to cook that. That was his favorite. I gotta get this brand of mustard because of this conversation we had 15 years ago, or whatever it is like. There are these emotional ties to things and when I was going through the closet, same thing.
It was like, that's the shirt I wore when we went to that trip, or you know, that's the pair of shoes he bought me for graduation. So maybe not everyone's like that, but it was very hard for me 'cause everything had an emotional tie to it and I had to tell myself that he's not in those things. You know?
[00:28:00] Even though that is a jacket that he wore on this night that was memorable. Getting rid of that jacket will not erase that memory. You know? So like holding onto pictures and memories. Owning that his imprint on my life is irrevocable, and it is not in, it is not tied to any material thing.
Has helped me to make progress. Around that time though, I felt this need to like, get all new bedding, like it got new pillows, new sheets, new comforter before Christmas. But then since then, I woke up one day and I was like, I gotta get. New paint on the walls. I gotta get new furniture is like the whole bedroom needed to change.
I took the TV off the wall. We had a TV in the bedroom. And when I started to think about, well, he was so sick for so long, he would be in bed and watching that TV and then. My dad made a comment that it was like a hospital room, and I was like, that's it, it's gotta go. I do not want my bedroom to be like a hospital room, like, you know, I, I took, um, we had black [00:29:00] poster board on the window in our bedroom on the windows because he worked night shift and so he would like work overnight and then sleep during the day.
And we wanted the room to be very dark. And then before the baby was born, we put literally like poster board to make it like a den in there. And I did not take those poster board off the window until like April, this last April. 'cause it just wasn't even a priority, not even a thought to me. And that's been one of the most powerful things to go into my room and see the windows open and the light shining in and new paint on the walls.
It's like, it's been so healing. And I know you talk a lot about doing things that you maybe aren't ready to do yet, but then it like has built momentum. Because whether I was ready for that or not, it like felt really good. It felt like I don't have to keep the windows dark because I don't have to. Like, he's not suffering anymore.
He is not sick. He doesn't need to sleep in there. I don't need to keep it dark and like I just did that for so long [00:30:00] that now letting the light in is such a metaphor for like my life right now. That's what it felt like. I also painted the, the walls in the room like a color that I don't know if he would've agreed to.
And that was part of it, you know, I was just like, this is what I want and I don't have to come to a mutual decision. So it's like a cherry mocha, moua of color. It's beautiful. Um. But again, it's just the empowerment of like, this is my decision and I, I can make this decision. I bought a new couch around November, December last year, and that was tough because it was the first large piece of furniture that I've bought as an adult without Joel.
I mean, we literally. Everything was a mutual decision. And so it was kind of like analysis paralysis. And I think that has been, once you take those steps and you start to make decisions on your own, I have gained more confidence of like, I can do what's best for me and what's best for Georgia. [00:31:00] And that's been the biggest journey for me in the last six months, I guess.
Year almost since he's passed, because I was in this like frozen, I guess like it felt like very stagnant season of life where everything was on hold because we didn't know what was gonna happen for so long and. Now it's just like, okay, I can make plans more than three months in advance. I can plan to do whatever I want next summer.
You know, Lord willing, something could always happen. But for the most part, like that's all new to me in my adult life. Um, because we were kind of always going from like every three months, every six months to an MRI, and then we couldn't really plan past that. So I don't know if you have. Other widows probably that will listen that had a similar journey.
Building New Connections and Support Systems
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Casey: But that's when I started connecting to, with like two of my good widow friends. Now, I met in the cancer wives support group years [00:32:00] ago, so I started reaching out for connection. That way and found a few other women who were navigating the same kind of like, oh, we've got a scan coming up. Or like, oh, he is doing this treatment now, or he's, you know, like struggling with these symptoms.
And just people that I could talk to that were outside of my immediate friend circle because there were things that I wasn't comfortable sharing with like his friends or my friends that. Knew him in real life. You know, we hid a lot. Um, I think about how bad it was because we tried to just like keep living as unaffected as we could by the cancer.
And looking back, it's just like, I think that caused a lot of tension and stress and I'm just trying to like, move forward from that.
Emily: Yeah, I can't even imagine. You know, I've heard people with terminal illnesses, they talk about scan anxiety and they talk about you're always looking ahead at the next few months out and what is the [00:33:00] scan gonna say?
And you get nervous and scared and all of the things. And just feeling like you're living your life around that schedule. Like that has to be. Incredibly difficult. So it's amazing that you made those friendships and relationships and, you know, are able to, to share that with other people.
The Power of Coaching and Therapy
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Emily: What would you tell, so you've talked some about the difference in therapy and coaching.
What would you tell someone? You know, we have the academy coming up. Which, um, you're part of and I'm very excited is starting next week. But if somebody's on the fence or they're thinking about coaching and they're not sure, maybe they tried therapy and it helped or maybe they tried, it didn't work. What would you tell someone who's kind of on the fence of whether or not they should try coaching or they should try Brave Widow.
Casey: Oh man. Um, I think it depends on, like, you have to find someone that you connect with, so I would just tell 'em to like, keep trying if they try [00:34:00] it and it's not a like someone that they vibe with or they feel like they can open up to and to try someone else. 'cause I have had. I think she's my third therapist in my adult life.
I did have a previous one and then switched. And until you find someone that you can really connect with as like. Almost like someone you value their opinion, but also like someone who your communication styles align with. That's what's really made the difference for me in having a therapist that I continue to work with and like continue to want to work with and actually miss when I don't talk to for like a month.
And coaching, I would say like at least try a three month trial. Like that's how I started and I was like, if it doesn't work out, I said, if there's ever a time in my life where I was gonna need a life coach or a grief coach, it would be now. And I'm like, we invested so much funds and energy and time into the fight for Joel's life that I looked at it like, okay.
We could do that. Well now I need to like do that for myself, like to be okay. And for [00:35:00] widows who have like a traumatic or sudden loss of their spouse, it's different. And I don't understand and could never understand that type of traumatic loss. For us, it was very progressive and it was, like you said, it weighed on my heart and it was always something that I was like, gosh I hope that we're here in 10 years.
Like I hope that we get to raise this baby together. But I didn't know for sure and it was very. Unavoidable, you know, with his diagnosis. For us to be realistic and to really focus on the present and understand that's all that was guaranteed. But I, I started with the three month trial with coaching and I just figured if it doesn't help, whatever, I tried it, you know, and if it does help, then I'll continue it.
And I remember telling you, I'm gonna keep you on 'cause I want. I wanna see how this works out. Like you're like invested. And honestly, as long as my life continues to trend in a better direction, I'm gonna keep doing the things that are serving me. You know? And that's been my attitude of like, if it's like taking Georgia to swim lessons is [00:36:00] something that we tried and, and I didn't know if we would stick with it, but it's been so joy giving to me to have carved out time to get in the pool and play with her and laugh with her, and.
That's just something else that I tried and I was like, I'm gonna stick with that too. 'cause it's like a highlight, like a glimmer. They talk about in grief with. Triggers and glimmers. Anything that's a glimmer that makes you feel like a little bit okay with how things are going. So after I voxer you or talk to you about like, Hey, this exciting, new, positive thing that's actually real in my life, like, I would much rather focus on that then.
Like this, I, I mean, it's up and down, right? It's both at the same time. But I also opened a drawer of old pictures and notes two weeks ago and just like. Cried in the middle of my workday because I was like, oh my gosh, I miss him so much. Like he was so good and he brought so much to my life and it's not fair that he's gone.
And then you like wipe your tears and you go do the [00:37:00] next thing. So just having someone who understands that duality because otherwise you feel like you're literally losing your mind.
Emily: Yes. Literally like.
Casey: Going insane.
Emily: Yes. Okay, so I know we're about at time. You have done many adventures.
Launching the Widow Fire Podcast
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Emily: Over this past almost a year now, one of those is working on a podcast where you are doing what also feels like the unthinkable of sharing your story, but sharing stories of other widows.
So share like what that has been like in creating the podcast and starting to record it and, and what your desire is as you, you know, provide that to the world.
Casey: Yes, we've gotta talk about the Widow Buyer podcast. So I again, just decided why not, and I've always wanted to find a way to [00:38:00] share our story.
I've been told over the years that, you know, it's, it's. So lengthy, um, part of Joel's cancer diagnosis, like from the very beginning we started this Facebook group called hashtag Ingles Strong. And so like documented, every time there was a scan, we had a large group of support. Um, there was a GoFundMe tied to it.
And so we had like this audience almost watching and praying for and supporting our family over these years. And when he passed, I like stopped. I stopped keeping everyone updated. I stopped, you know, sharing. I felt like this is my time to focus on my healing and everyone can wonder how I'm doing, you know?
And that's fine. But it has kind of been an incredible support for me because having that group and sharing publicly invited in a lot of support, like people knew what was going on, so they knew how they could support us. And I shared a little bit about that over the years, was like somebody stepped up for us and this way, and this was actually [00:39:00] a tangible way that you can help someone.
Going through cancer or like their, their wife going through cancer with their spouse. So the Widow Fire podcast is kind of like a passion project for me that I'm finally launching next month. And it's gonna be, um, about the unique experience of navigating disorienting loss while parenting. And I've connected the most with young widows with kids through this past year because.
Of this like motivating factor, like I shared about at the beginning was like she is my why. And I think when you're younger or have young kids, like she was only five months old, it's so rare and isolating. I went to a widow group at church and I was the youngest one there and several of the other older ladies had raised their kids with their husbands.
And you know, I'm grieving the loss of like. Like not getting to, I don't know, take her to preschool and Joel won't be here for that or you know, high [00:40:00] school or when we get her her first car, like the wedding. You think towards the future and all the losses, and I know you've experienced that with your kids, although they were older, but.
For me, it was just like I felt extra sad and extra alone because even the widows at that widow Bible study felt the worst for me. I felt like, and that may not have been true, but I remember they were going around the table and everyone shared their little story and the lady to my right. Was older and had shared, it was like her second marriage.
And not to compare, but she got talking about their horses and how sad she was that when her husband passed their horses really needed a daddy. And it was like she was crying about it. And it had been like four years. And I'm sitting there like a month or two after Joel passed with a six month old and I was like, yeah.
Georgia needed her daddy. You know, I just couldn't help but feeling like angry almost, that this is not the same. I felt like even more alone and I never went back [00:41:00] to that group. And those, everyone's navigating this in their own way, but for me to feel so. Isolated. Um, that's when I think I found the, the Young Widows with Kids page and started to connect with other young widows, with kids.
So navigating that. I want the Widow Fire podcast to be interviews with other young widows with kids and let's talk about how we honor their memory with the kids, how we're gonna raise them to know. Um, I feel like these are just conversations that aren't happening a lot. I think they're touched on with other widow podcasts, but that's like the whole focus for the Widow Fire podcast.
So I started by recording our story in detail how we met. Growing up together, battling cancer and then how we got Georgia. And then the next couple episodes will be interviews with other young widows, with kids, and we'll just see where it goes. I'm excited to just kinda have a creative outlet in all of this and try to help, I think, make sense of this as [00:42:00] I continue to like process verbally with the world.
But I also know that it'll help others to feel less alone and I. Personally, like I'm creating the podcast that I wish existed for me, basically to really feel less alone and to be like, yeah, there are unique challenges to solo parenting a baby or even like younger kids. Like, but that's gonna be the focus of it.
And so. We are launching next month. Um, if there's anyone listening with the young widow with kids that, that wants to feel less alone, please connect them, uh, with me because. It's just my reality right now, and I feel like just sharing about it is also gonna help me as I focus on parenting Georgia. Because that is really hard to do when you're in survival mode.
So part of my process has been to try to get out of survival mode and to find peace and to structure our life now. To be full of play and wonderment and [00:43:00] imagination and beauty like every kid's childhood should be. But that's really hard to do when you lose your partner and you're doing it on your own and you're carrying like so much more than, I mean, even the comparison you see other young families.
Like it was really hard for me at first and still sometimes to be like. To get Christmas cards. Oh my gosh, I can't tell you how many. I just like ripped up and threw away and it was like, well, that must be nice. You're a perfect little photographic family. You know, like my family blew up this year and those kinds of things that it's like, am I crazy?
Am I just a nasty person now? And it's like, no, like those feelings are valid. And how do you not stay there? You know, how do you make sense of it and still. Focus on the only thing you can control, which is like the happiness and peace in your own home. And you know, like trusting too that I'm the mother that.
I was chosen to walk through this with Georgia and that additional pressure that it kind of feels like I have to be [00:44:00] all things for her because she doesn't get two parents, to love on her. And that's hard. The middle of the night wake up where it's just you and it's always you. Like on top of everything else I do.
I know that people have shown up for me and supported me. More than I can ever repay, for sure. Hands down. But that's another thing I wanna talk about because the podcast is for young widows with kids and those who support them. So mothers and sisters and friends and in-laws out there that have questions about like.
How do I even show up for Emily or Casey who's navigating this thing? Because I feel like it can be such a horrific thing for like your neighbors and your friends from church to witness that. I've had people that just don't know what to do and don't know how to. Support or what to say that's actually helpful and not like salt in a wound, you know?
Emily: Yeah. Yeah. And I, I think your podcast is gonna be such a [00:45:00] great way of validating for people. This is normal. It's normal. One, one client that I work with, she, she calls it. Can your heart handle happy? You know, and we think, oh, these are things we should be happy for other people. But when you're, especially in that deep grief, you do become bitter and resentful and wonder like, why couldn't that be us?
Why? Why is it I only got this limited amount of time with my person? And so just. Allowing other people to, to hear your story and the story of others who are experiencing something very similar will help them feel like they're not going crazy. That this is part of the journey in the process for some people.
So I cannot wait for it to come out and, uh, will be sure to put all of the, um, links in the show notes as well so people who are listening can find it.
Casey: Thank you. I mean, I probably wouldn't be doing it [00:46:00] without you, so you have, uh, really helped me so much. And like I said, the podcast is something that I've always wanted to do.
And, and it's interesting when you see someone like yourself who's like navigated things and turned it around to be helping other people and like, not that you're on the other side of this, I know it's something that you still navigate with daily, but it's made me think of like. If there's something in me that sees what Emily's doing and is like, wow, I wanna do that, you know, it's really inspired me and I feel like it's gonna be good for me.
And it may never be like. A huge profit generating thing. Maybe it's just gonna be therapeutic for me and we'll let it like run its course. But it is currently on iTunes and Spotify and we are launching next month and it is called the Widow Fire Podcast. So.
Emily: Amazing. It's gonna be, it's gonna be fire. I know it's a little cringe, but it's, yeah.
Yeah. It's gonna be so good.
Final Thoughts and Encouragement
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Emily: Well, Casey, thank you so much for coming on and just being so open to share your [00:47:00] story. And I know that your story and your podcast is going to encourage and inspire so many other people out there.
Casey: Thank you. I'm excited to see how it all unfolds and. I'm hopeful because like when you go through like the worst thing ever, I'm just like, well, nothing could be worse than that.
So we're just gonna keep moving forward and make positive memories. I'm excited to see who the podcast ends up connecting me with, because like we never would've connected without yours, so I just think it's kind of a way to open myself up to whatever, whatever's next.
Emily: Yes, absolutely.
If you're tired of feeling lost, lonely, and second guessing every decision, my coaching program is meant for you. I help clients find clarity, create real connection, and build confidence up for good. Inside the Brave Widow Coaching Program, you'll learn real tools that you'll be able to [00:48:00] use for a lifetime.
If you're ready for the next step, go to brave widow.com to book a consult. It's free. It's no pressure, and it can be your brave next step to healing your heart and building a life you love again. Go to brave widow.com today to book your consult.
