BW 158: Podcast with Rachel at Never Alone
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Introduction and Guest Overview
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[00:00:00]
Emily: Welcome to episode number 158 of The Brave Widow Show. Today I talk with Rachel Brown, the founder of Never Alone Widows. She shares her story of being widowed twice at a young age and all of the amazing things that her ministry is doing for widows across the United States. Before we dive into her story.
Exciting Updates from Brave Widow
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Emily: Guys, there are so many amazing and exciting things happening in Brave Widow. I brought on three brand new one-on-one coaching clients last week, and that means that my traditional one-on-one coaching is officially booked up now. I know I still have a few consults coming up over the next couple of weeks on the calendar, and so although I'm officially booked up on one-on-one coaching, I am still gonna honor the people who did sign up for consults and we are just gonna figure it out. We're [00:01:00] gonna find a time, we are gonna make it work if they end up signing up for coaching.
Brave Widow Academy Pre-Enrollment Details
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Emily: I am opening next Monday, July 14th, pre-enrollment for the Brave Widow Academy.
I've been teasing this a little bit over the past few weeks, and I'm gonna be spilling all the tea next week on the podcast about what to expect, what it is, what's included, and I am just. So excited. I cannot wait to share that with you. I have very thoughtfully and intentionally created the container, the program, the hands-on access and guidance and things that would have been a dream of mine to have when I was in my first.
Couple of years of widowhood, so [00:02:00] I think you guys are absolutely gonna love it and I can't wait to share that with you. Pre-enrollment will start on Monday, July 14th. We will officially kick off enrollment on July 28th, and the first meetup of the Brave Widow Academy will start on August 11th.
Now I'm doing pre-enrollment because I love to reward action takers. As a life coach, my goal is to help you make decisions, to help you take action, to help you get off the fence and stop waffling. Stop wavering on whether or not you want to take action and actually do something different. During pre-enrollment, I'm gonna be offering some bonuses and some amazing things that will not be available once.
Full enrollment opens on July 28th, so [00:03:00] you're gonna have two whole weeks to jump in on the pre-enrollment bonuses and those will disappear over time. The reason for that. Again, I like to reward action takers. I like to reward loyalty. I like to reward people who are ready to commit and go all in on themselves.
I have coaching clients I've been working with for a couple of years now, and we just continue to create new goals and things that people wanna work on. And guess what? I honor the price and the rate. That they signed up with me for a year ago or two years ago. While I've publicly raised my prices for one-on-one coaching, as that becomes more and more in demand, I've not raised prices on my existing coaching clients.
So if you would like to lock in the [00:04:00] best. Price possible. It's always advisable that you do that. ASAP, that you sign up for things as they come up, because I like to reward people who take action, who do things differently, who decide to step forward and step into the commitment that they have for themselves.
So stay tuned. Over the next few weeks, you're going to get more information on the Brave Widow Academy and again. This is something I've been working on for a year intentionally creating what will help widows and widowers. Be able to truly move forward and start creating a life that they love and that they actually look forward to again.
So you'll get all the details over these next couple of weeks, and pre-enrollment starts Monday, July 14th. So mark it on your calendar. You do not wanna miss out. The earlier you sign up, [00:05:00] the better the bonuses are gonna be. So that's all I'm saying for now.
Live Event Announcement
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Emily: I also am having another public live event that is coming up on July 28th as we open up full official enrollment after the pre-enrollment phase.
This live event is called, you can't go back. Here's how to actually build a future. You want. I spent four years trying to figure this out, but I'm gonna teach it to you in 60 minutes, and of course it's gonna be a 90 minute live event because I love the conversation, I love to answer questions. I don't like people to feel rushed or feel like they left not having their questions answered or not getting what they wanted.
So it's a 90 minute live webinar, but. You'll learn it in less than 60 minutes. So to sign up for that, you can go to brave widow.com. The signup is right on the homepage. I made it as easy as possible. Pop in your name, email, hit register. Done. You are gonna be good to go. [00:06:00]
Meet Rachel Brown
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Emily: Alright, let me introduce you to Rachel and then we will dive into today's episode.
Rachel's Journey: Twice Widowed
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Emily: Rachel Faulkner Brown, never expected to be twice widowed by her mid thirties. At 23, she lost her first husband to an aneurysm. Tragedy struck again when her second husband, a US Air Force pilot, died in a fighter jet accident, leaving Rachel a gold star widow raising two young children. Rather than remain distraught in grief and loneliness, Rachel transformed her unimaginable losses into never alone.
Widows, the largest Christian ministry in the US dedicated to helping widows find community, comfort and purpose through healing in her book. Widows might. Rachel shares heartfelt stories from her own journey alongside nearly 200 other widows, aiming to strengthen your connection with God and his goodness.
You can find all of the links [00:07:00] to Rachel and never alone, widows in the show notes. All right, let's dive in.
Welcome to the Brave Widow Show, where we help widows find hope, heal their heart, and dream again for the future. I'm your host, Emily Tanner. After losing my husband of 20 years, I didn't know how I could ever experience true joy and excitement again for the future. I eventually learned how to create a life I love, and I've made it my mission to help other widows do the same.
Join me and the Brave Widow membership community and get started today. Learn more at BraveWidow. com
Rachel, thank you so much for being willing to come on the show and to share your story and all of the amazing things that you're doing with never alone, widow.
Rachel: Oh, thank you, Emily. I'm so excited to be here. It's such an honor. My husband was blown away.
He was like, there's a whole podcast about brave Widows. I was like, yes. A whole podcast, honey. [00:08:00] I love it.
Emily: Yeah, it's an it's saddening and also amazing to think that. We're at a point in our culture and that's what is needed. But you are also doing a lot of things for the widow community and I just know so many people will love to hear about it and to have the opportunity maybe even go to some of the in-person events and things that you guys host.
Yeah. Why don't you. Just introduce yourself, tell us some about your, what you do, and then we can dive into your story. I think that'll be a great place to start.
Rachel: Yeah, absolutely. So I my life has been not what I. Anyone would think it would be none of us. That's none of our stories. No one decides to be a widow, right?
So it was decided for us.
Founding Never Alone Widows
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Rachel: And so I think at the end of the day, I was just determined really to reach my hand back and say to another younger widow who was like me, I just wanna help you. I wanna help you do. What I didn't do well, that was really the [00:09:00] essential reason I started the ministry and I was running another ministry.
It was a story ministry called Be Still, it's still going. And they, we were doing monthly events of women sharing their stories and out of that I was like, we should just do some outreach and why don't we have a, invite widows from all over the country. And I had three, quasi influencer friends who.
We're like, we'll invite the people. I was like, I'll raise the money. You invite the people. And 20 women signed up in three or four days. I raised the money in 36 hours and I was like, wow, okay. This was easy. And we just gave them the most amazing gifts and I had all these people helping and we had a private chef come in and do dinner.
So it was really lavish. It was. So nice. And I was like, I wanna come to this. We had, lunch at the Swan house and then we got pedicures and had foot massages. It was so amazing. Like it was what you don't have time or take time to do for yourself. And then we did a whole day of teaching and we had a therapist come in and we prayed [00:10:00] for them.
And after that was over, we all looked at each other in the kitchen. As we were cleaning up, we were just like, oh my gosh, what just happened. That was amazing.
The Impact of Never Alone Widows
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Rachel: And here we are, 38 retreats later, four conferences. We have 70 local groups across the country starting one in Canada. Soon we've got an online group with women from three countries.
I just, I'm like, look at God. It's certainly not me, Emily. I can 100% tell you if it was left up to me, none of that would've happened. But God, he is on a mission to take care of his widows and. He is inviting a lot of us into the story, and you can say yes, or you can pass and do something else.
Obviously there's a million ways that we can influence the kingdom, but this is just the way he invited me into the story and he's doing the work because I am just watching, we talked before we started does anybody really know what they're doing? And I don't think we do. We're just all, taking one more step with a [00:11:00] path that.
For me is really clear. Taking care of orphans and widows is just the mandate. It's, there are very few things that Jesus was more explicit about and he's passionate about his widows 'cause I think he knows our stories hold so much weight for the gospel. If we take it.
Emily: Yeah.
Yeah, that's a great point. And I think a message so many people need to hear when they feel like, God, you could have saved my husband. You could have, prevented me from being in this situation. Have you forgotten about me? And I know in your book, you talk about embracing. Both embracing like the and of life, which is my sorrow and my joy and all of the things together.
That's one of the things I love so much about what you talk about is that God hasn't forgotten you. You are very special to him and you can still have a plan and a [00:12:00] purpose, but so many widows have forgotten that or lost hope that's still possible for them.
Rachel's Reflections on Widowhood
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Rachel: And I think that the reality is life is hard.
We just have a different kind of hard, life, I hate to say it, but there's this phrase, it's called embrace the suck, and it really is, sometimes you just have to embrace like, Hey, this is my story. It's hard. Her story's hard too and quit comparing our stories. I think that's the first place where we get a little tripped up is I've experienced the worst dresser ever.
And it's like nobody's winning a prize. Like we're just all trying. To walk out life and maintain our sanity. I hate to say it, but and more than that, like really thrive and embrace the fact that I never learned anything when it was great. I hate to say it, but in the great times, nobody's learning anything.
And I've said this several times, but when we went to Israel, [00:13:00] we were driving and the bus person was droning on and I was falling asleep, but I was like. We were passing all these pomegranates and all these figs and everything, and he was like, crops only grow in the valley.
The fruit is only. Made in the valley. You don't grow a crop at the top of Pikes Peak, there's, you're above the tree line. There's not, there's nothing to see with the beautiful view. Nobody learns really a lot up there. You learn it in the hard things. And so I just, I don't know.
I just think comparison's such a killer for even widows. It's just like we just all have to embrace, and once you get over the fact, life is just hard and. I can enjoy it, even in the heart, I can still enjoy this life.
Emily: Yeah. Yeah. I love specifically how you said the secret of living abundantly is to hear all the stories, both good and bad to mine, gold from them, and to then share them for his glory and.
It's such a great way of looking [00:14:00] at it and how it's like our kids, if we give our kids everything they want and we, take all the hits for them and we protect them, and they have an easy life, they really struggle into adulthood or they become kids. We don't wanna be around because they're used to getting their way.
Like they don't learn resilience. They don't learn. Adaptability and become people of character and so much of life and suffering and challenges and trials is developing our ability to be resilient and to truly become more and more like God every day.
Rachel: Yeah. Oh, absolutely. And I think at the end of the day, I don't know about you, but I would so prefer to go to dinner with people who've been through hard things than I would with people who've lived a life that was like easy. Honestly, like I'm just like, tell me your hard thing and then we can talk. Tell me the worst thing to happen to you and not really.
I have friends who haven't been through, awful [00:15:00] things and I'm I'm so thankful. But at the same time I so would prefer to mine a table of really hard stories and what God has done in that than I would in, a place where it's just perfect. Yeah.
Emily: Yeah. And I, it gives you such a greater appreciation for the good times, for the relationships, for the experiences you have.
You just view life in a very different lens, and we get to be grateful for that because had we not gone through that, I. Would've still been getting frustrated about what color the living room is and things that I'm like now I just don't even care, I know what's important. I know what my priorities should be, and I wouldn't have learned that without that experience.
Rachel: Yeah, widowhood is the great leveler of unimportant things. It just really sets your path on what really matters in life, and you can [00:16:00] either. Embrace that and really take every day as a gift, which, I know many widows listening, they are doing that. But even, here I am 18 years later, even in that, I forget, we just so quickly forget.
It's like looking in the mirror and forgetting who you are. We do it every day to some degree. Of course, you can't live in the, Cairos. Moments all day, every day, you'd be just worn out. But I do think we I told somebody we got blown out by Hurricane Katrina, and I'd already lost Tide at that point.
We can get into a little bit of my story, but I'd already lost my first husband at that point. And I thought Katrina felt like nothing. A hurricane who cares? I lost all my stuff. Oh, honestly, it's like that's why you have insurance, and so I think it is terrible and I hated it and I didn't get to, have my baby at the hospital where I'd planned to have him, and it was underwater, but I'm like, this is so small.
Potatoes. Everything becomes small to potatoes on some level.
Emily: [00:17:00] Yeah. That's great.
Rachel's Personal Story and Faith
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Emily: So I think that's a great point to jump into your story because you're talking about, oh, 18 years later and you hardly look like somebody who should be able to talk about 18 years post widow hood. So yeah, you, you have quite the story of being a young widow, and I would love to explore that a little bit.
Rachel: First of all, I wanna say Emily, I feel 25 in my head, so thank you. I don't look it, I do not look it. But yeah, I mean I was, I married my college sweetheart. We were living our best life working as pharmaceutical reps, and he went to. Play a game of pickup basketball five days after September 11th.
And, had an aneurysm in my best friend's driveway at the time. And yeah, I was dumbfounded. I was 23, he was 27. The. It just was, I can't even describe how upsetting it was to our town. We come from about 30,000 people in our town. We both went to church with about a thousand people, [00:18:00] and we had not really lost like a high, high school or college.
There hadn't been any major deaths where a lot of people knew the people, and so it was just, our town and our churches, it was just so hard for people to process. The early death is just hard. In general, but Todd was just, Mr. Everything, he was president of his fraternity. He was, Mr.
UNA, we went to the University of North Alabama. And so I was just, I, I really, the one, the two, two things that came outta Todd's death I learned to worship. I really didn't know what else to do, Emily. I honestly, I just was like. This is what makes me feel better. Praise God. It wasn't a bottle of wine or Xanax.
I just didn't know what I didn't know. But at the time, I was a Jesus girl. I was on the Beth Moore living proof live. I felt like I was on tour with her 'cause I would literally travel to wherever she was. I loved her. I did all of her Bible studies, so I was just a Jesus girl. So for me, you know what felt so comforting above anything [00:19:00] else.
I love my friends. I got into running, which is a really common thing after grief, which is hilarious. 'cause I've just never run, I only if I'm running from a bear, but I did, we do crazy things. I got one of those strap on little things that you wear on your arm to play your music before mP three players were like, really popular. I was like, look at me. Got my little strap
Emily: on. That's amazing.
Rachel: And my strap on MP three player. I was like, oh, I should be, I belong here. Even though it was totally not needing to be there. And and then, I worshiped at night, so I, there was a seating in the back of Graham Lott's book called Give Me Jesus and the cd.
Ann did this like spoken word, and then Fernando Ortega would. Sing gimme Jesus in the morning when I rise, gimme Jesus when I'm alone, gimme Jesus. And I would just weep and cry and sing. And it was just, and then I'd go to bed and I would do it night after night. Yeah. I don't even know how many years.
Probably a couple of years at least. And, I meet Blair I started dating, let's be [00:20:00] honest, officially a year after Todd died. But we all know, everybody breaks that rule. And I definitely had tried to date people who knew Blair. Who knew Todd and who knew me.
And I, every time I've experienced death, and I think widows do this a lot, we always want to date someone who knew our late husband. It's oh they'll understand and they'll know them. And this was just, and I tell the widows at all the retreats and conferences, I'm like, don't be so stuck on them knowing your husband that you marry the wrong person, because I've seen it happen.
Just trying to fit this boy into a square peg that is meant for a round hole. And that was definitely me. And, and then, ended up meeting Blair, who's 35 needed, loved Jesus. He needed a wife. And I was like, I can totally hook you up. And, we got married, he wore a flight suit.
I was just, he was total stud. He flew fighters in the Air Force. It was just. Top Gun had come [00:21:00] out, 10 or 15 years before this. But oh my gosh. I was just totally all in and he was funny and fun and we had this amazing life. And then Hurricane Katrina came. I got blown out.
I was pregnant with our first child. He went to Afghanistan, came home. We had our second baby Campbell and.
Life After Loss: Embracing Faith and Community
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Rachel: He went to fly in 2008 on just a beautiful day, and there was a cable in the wing that broke and he and his student pilot were killed instantly, and I was left widowed, thir at 31.
Again, I was, dumbfounded is. Gosh, I was dumbfounded the first time this, it was shocking the second time 'cause we had joked you will never dye in the jet. You're so much more likely to dye in your Mustang. All those are true things. And I genuinely thought that I had just done the hard thing for Jesus.
I was like, Rachel's kind of gonna get a pass for the rest of my life because I have. Been your, banner waiver. [00:22:00] I'm like showing everybody what hope looks like. I'm your first Thessalonians four girl. Look at, look at this. Look at me. God did not do a good job.
And I was performing for Jesus my whole entire life. I didn't know there was another way. I just thought I performed for my parents. So my parents are the closest thing to what God is, I think, in my little young head. And so I just performed for God and Aren't you proud of me? And he's just not like that.
I was just telling somebody today, I was like, gosh, it's just, it's so hard for me to think about doing that now because he is wanting to give us more of himself every day and not inviting us to become, to try and do things to become more like him. Like he's I'm giving you everything that I am and the work is resting in what I've done, and I did not know that was like a thing.
And so you can imagine just this little performer in me for God, and I'm starting a Bible study two weeks after Blair dies. I was [00:23:00] just a mess. No, if your friend is out there doing that, please just stop her. I wish my friends had said, Hey, is this the right time to be starting a Bible study? It wasn't.
It never will be. As, as amazing as you are and spiritual as you are, it's just not like you need to grieve, and I was panicked that. I did not know the 66 books of the Bible well enough to teach my children now that Blair was gone. That was generally genuinely my thought process, which is just absolutely psychotic As I sit here and say it out loud.
But at the time, I think everybody was like, oh, look at her. Yay, Jesus. God just broken. Here's the deal. We were all performing for God. I was in a church where we didn't know there was any other way. I didn't understand the gospel. I didn't know who I was. I was a servant.
I was a. Sinner. I identified with Servant and Sinner more than I ever did. Daughter of a King that was just like daughter, nobody, one had even heard that 18 years ago, daughter of a [00:24:00] King. Maybe like in a Cece Winan song or something. But nobody like no one was like talking like that. And I was just like, chief of all, justing my little heart out.
Whatever God asked me to do, I would do it. And but from a place of just total. Deprivation. I didn't have anything to give away. I was just trying to learn stuff and so fortunately God just interrupted my life. And we can talk more about that, but I'm sure you have another question.
Emily: No, this is great. I'm just trying to wrap my mind around and I'm sure people listening or watching will be as well, 31 years old children. Your second husband has died and just being like, what? What is going on?
Rachel: Yeah. Yeah. I knew, but I think that's the weirdo thing about me is that I knew I.
Yeah, there was a bigger something going on, and I really genuine, and I think most widows do this. I [00:25:00] think we all think it's for his funeral. Like his people are gonna meet Jesus at his funeral, and that was the thousand percent what I thought. I was just like, oh, this is gonna be amazing and we have to present the gospel.
And we were those people like that was the. Focus of the funeral was the gospel. And yes, of course, remembering Blair, but I'm like, Blair's living his best life. Like these people gotta be here, so we gotta tell them about, I mean you, I think that's the thing. It was all so good, but yet just a little bit off and that's.
The thing about Christianity is like you live your life just one degree off of what the gospel was really intended. For me, it was like doing things for Jesus. Jesus plus me equaled sanctification, and it wasn't about me. That's the thing. The gospel's not about us. And so I just, I get so passionate about this because I just don't want another widow to perform her way through widowhood, which is what I did till I like had this [00:26:00] total implosion and Kroger and I screamed, which I don't get angry.
I don't get angry. I get passive aggressive, but I don't, I'm not an angry person.
A Heated Encounter at Kroger
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Rachel: I am angry, but you just performing. It's like this awful version of it. And I, my, one of the girls who works with me, Rebecca, her husband, spoke at Blair's funeral and. She watches me have this come apart on this woman in Kroger and I'm yelling at her 'cause she pokes me in that very thing.
She said to me, you're gonna get cancer from that microwave popcorn. And she's on a scooter with a oxygen tank and Rebecca's watching the whole thing. And I just unleash on this woman. And Rebecca's like you. Oh my gosh, we have a problem, Houston. And I was just like, what? It was her like, she is wrong.
And Rebecca's no ma'am. Like nobody, nobody reacts like that. Like you could have just said, oh man, thank you so much.
The Fears of Widowhood
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Rachel: And she poked at the very thing, which was that I was gonna die and leave my children orphaned. Which you either have two things. I [00:27:00] think widows have two things.
You're either afraid you're gonna leave your children orphaned if you have kids. And the other thing is, I'm gonna run outta money. And those are the two Achilles heels of widowhood in my opinion. And those two things, are. Speaking to the very thing that I was speaking of, which is your identity.
Because if you believe that he's the provider and not Blue Cross Blue Shield and not, United Healthcare. 'cause we always, we have providers, right? And if I have insurance, I'm gonna be good as a widow. But we have a provider.
Embracing a New Identity
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Rachel: And that provider, if you don't know how he provides and you don't know what he provided in your inheritance as a daughter of a king, you will live in that fear the rest of your life.
And then the other thing is, if you know you're dead. So this is the other thing about the new covenant. Like we, if we are trying to put lipstick on our pigs, which most of us are trying to do, we're trying to make ourselves look good for God. [00:28:00] Instead of just killing off the pig and saying, oh my gosh, I'm a completely new creation.
That's what it says in the word, in the new covenant. You are a new creation. Old Rachel died. That Rachel at Kroger, she died. I. But I was trying to put the lipstick on the pig, and once I killed off old Rachel, in my mind I was just like, oh my gosh, I am a new creation. Who gets to receive from God? I don't have to work for him.
I am not a servant in his kingdom anymore. I'm a daughter who gets to live in the house. And once that shift, those two shifts happen, I think widows get to live very differently.
Emily: Wow, that's so good. That's such, just such a great way of thinking about it and being able to be in a mindset of I can receive, I can live in abundance, not, I have to live in fear and deprivation and lack
Rachel: great.
Of dying.
Emily: Yeah. So [00:29:00] how did you get there? So here you are, yeah. In going off on this poor lady. That's a beautiful
Rachel: story. Yes.
The Journey to Therapy
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Rachel: I ended up, my, my friend Rebecca, she was like, you've gotta go to therapy. She was like, I don't, we didn't know what else to do, right? You just go to, that's what everybody does, Go to therapy, go to grief share.
I was like, no, I'm not going to grief share. That's awful. I don't wanna sit around with a bunch of sad people. 'cause I really wasn't that. Sad. This is the thing about not feeling and being emotionally unhealthy is you're just not sad. You're just like, I'm gonna wake up and I'm gonna do my life and I'm gonna raise these kids and we're gonna make it, and Jesus is gonna be with us.
And that was exactly what I did. I didn't struggle with depression. Some people do. I was just the busy girl I, my drug was. Busyness and I think you either go one way, you either fall into depression or you fall into busyness. I think there, there are really two categories of widows and that was definitely my drug, was let me just do all the things and dance the pony [00:30:00] show for my kids and all the things.
And so I ended up in therapy. I didn't know how to feel. My kids would say, I'm so sad about dad and I'm just like quoting a scripture, Adam. No 4-year-old needs a scripture. Jeremiah 29 11 really doesn't mean a heel of beans to them if their mom doesn't know how to get in the pit with them and cry.
And that is what I did not know how to do. And so I sat with the therapist and a, I've said this before, but she said to me, the fairy first session, if God were looking over the balcony of heaven, how would he feel about you? Honestly, Emily, I was like, feel about me. Oh, okay. No one was, no, I don't think anyone in my entire family at this point had been to therapy.
So you have to know, we come from a long line of people who were just like, oh, therapy's kind of for weak people, they would never have said that. They just. Subconsciously admit and part of it too is I'm from a really small town. There were two therapists, one of 'em was the psychiatrist, and nobody was going to him.
'cause that meant you were totally crazy. And that it's I'm almost [00:31:00] 50. It's a different world now, 20 years ago people weren't as quick to talk about their therapist. It was a little bit like yeah, I might have gone to one of those. It's kinda like getting waxed.
You don't really talk about that, right? I guess some people do. But anyway, so at the end of the day, I, sat with her for two years.
Discovering True Freedom
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Rachel: I understood at the end of that, I did a Bible study. I met the Holy Spirit. I understand. I met free people. I. I thought I knew free people, but I did not know free people there.
Everybody had a secret. But in this group of people in this community, no one had a secret. And I was like embarrassed for them. I was like, y'all, we just really don't need to talk about that. There are just certain things that need to stay in the family vault, but they didn't even have family vaults.
They were telling all the worst things that they had done. And it was, it was for the glory of God and I'd never seen someone be vulnerable. And tell the hardest parts of their story and be so open and honest about it, because I didn't know people who didn't [00:32:00] have shame. That was part of it. I was not in a community where shame was like.
It just didn't happen anyway. We all had shame, but nobody admitted it. We were just keeping secrets and living small, everybody lives, you live small with shame 'cause it keeps you small, it keeps this damper. I don't, I read the book. One of the suggestions that my therapist had was to read the book Envy by Bob Sorge.
And of course I was so offended that she wanted me to read the book Envy. 'cause she was, she saw that how I. Was she saw this deep seated envy in me for people who had husbands. And it wasn't like I was ever saying that it was the subconscious place of, i'm in, I'm lacking. I, my kids are lacking, my future's lacking.
And if you think that it will, it, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. And so I sat with her, did a lot of inner healing, understood the gospel. I didn't know what the gospel meant. I didn't realize I was a daughter of a king. I didn't know my [00:33:00] identity. I didn't know spiritual warfare was real. And then I met the Holy Spirit.
And so all of those, it was like this six to eight month period of just. Unbelievable supernatural acceleration in the spirit. And God just put me in a community where I could heal and learn and honestly be upset that I really didn't understand. I had staked my life on a gospel that really wasn't the gospel.
It was me and the gospel, me plus the gospel. And I was upset about that. I'm like, why did no one explain this to me? I didn't know I was righteous. I didn't know righteous was a righteousness, was a noun and not a verb. It felt like it had to be up to me. So it was just, there were so many things it would take me like five podcasts to go through each of them.
But and honestly at the end of the day, I think I surrendered that I didn't know everything and that for widows, I think when you're a [00:34:00] spiritual widow, who loses your husband? The tendency is to be like, I've got this figured out, me and Jesus. And I think if you are not willing to lay down, like maybe there's more, maybe there's more about God that I'm gonna learn through widowhood, instead of I'm just gonna learn more scripture and I'm gonna do more things for God.
Maybe you could say, what? What do I not know about you? And I think that's a better question because he is he loves to attach himself to the surrendered heart. He loves it.
Emily: Yeah. And I think as you were talking about like shame and guilt, there's so much that we think, oh, I'm not supposed to question God.
I'm not supposed to bring my complaints to him. I'm not supposed to lament like I'm supposed to be like, oh. Praise God and you're with me and everything's gonna be okay. But there's so much [00:35:00] inner our turmoil that's happening that we think we have to perform or we just create a lot of distance. Like I'm just not gonna say anything because I don't feel like I can really tell God how I feel or how angry or frustrated or confused I am about where I am in the process.
Rachel: Yeah. And I think it's both end. It's yes, you can complain and do all the things and be frustrated and remember the truth, right? It's all, it's both. And he's give me your honest heart. It's just like a therapy group. If you go to therapy, the ones that are the best, or when everybody's like.
Oh, you're making me nervous. You're being so honest, and I think that's the way God is. He was like, you know he, he's never nervous, but I think he's always yeah, oh my G, yes, I get it. He's so in the pit with you. And I think that's what people don't know. They think he's up here in the heavenly realms and that he's not in it with us.
And that's why we use the Emmanuel approach [00:36:00] so much of letting people see Jesus in their imagination, their divine imagination. Experience the brain being reconnected back to joy through a joy filled memory. And then, getting to experience God because he has gifts for us that he wants to give us, but most of us don't know how to interact with him.
Emily: Yeah. Yeah, I think that's a great point. And I would love for you to share more about, what you do to help other widows and what resources are out there and, what you would recommend to people as they may be in the early days of grief and they're trying to like, figure it out and they're trying to do the right thing.
What would you have wanted to know, or what would you say to those widows? Yeah.
The Importance of Community
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Rachel: I think at the end of the day, who you surround yourself with will determine. Your widow days. At the end of the day, if you surround yourself with your, single friends that you can relate to who are living lives that [00:37:00] maybe aren't really honoring God you'll become just like them.
I tell my kids every day and they're like yeah mom, we go, but the. Five people that you surround yourself with is who you become. And so be very picky with who you surround yourself with, who you surround yourself with, and your parenting of your kids. Who do you let your kids hang out with?
Who gets to, speak into their lives? You cannot be careful enough. If those people are not aligned with you spiritually. You need a boundary. You need a boundary. And so I really aligned myself with a community who wanted more of God. And so that really accelerated my life.
Really in, in a million ways. And the people that I was hanging out with, we wanted the greater things we wanted to see, god do immeasurably more than we could ask or imagine. And so that shift changed everything for me. 'cause I wasn't always in a community like that. I was in, pretty normal average Christianity, communities [00:38:00] and average Christianity is let's go heal to sick.
Pass out demons and cleanse the leper. That's normal Christianity, but we've never seen that. Until you get in a community where you've seen it. So community is the first thing. I always say go after your own healing. You cannot give away what you don't have. So if you aren't in therapy doing inner healing some people don't wanna heal Emily.
That's the bottom line. Some of you are like, may, you're listening to this podcast, you're clearly wanting to heal. You're seeking out a Break Widow podcast. You're clearly wanting more for your life. But I think at the end of the day, you cannot, you cannot outrun the love of God and you cannot outrun, healing body, soul, and spirit.
Practical Steps for Healing
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Rachel: And so the other thing I would say is if you're not sleeping, go figure out why. This. These are really practical, but you've got to sleep. And so you gotta figure out, do you need red lights in your bedroom? Do you need to charge your phone outside your bedroom? You gotta set some serious boundaries for yourself.
If you're [00:39:00] not sleeping, do you need melatonin? Do go get. Muscle testing to find out with a chiropractor. What supplements do I need? You gotta go after your body's healing because your body in grief, a lot has been stolen from your body through energy, through minerals.
You're depleted in a lot of ways and so anything you can do to receive. Store what has been stolen with obviously Jesus, and so much of that is connected to our emotions. If your gut is out of whack. You're experiencing depression. That is your second brain, so you've got to get your gut into alignment.
So hydration movement you gotta move. I would say minimum of 8,000 steps a day if you're. Expecting a result of healing and not moving every day, you are not gonna get it. You've got to put, you gotta put one foot in front of the other and move, whether it's walking around your house, I can get 7,000 steps in my house and it sounds crazy, [00:40:00] but I really can.
But you can't just sit all day long and if you work, you gotta get up every, 45 minutes and do 10 squats. It's proven to lower your blood sugar. So all of those things, like you are, you cannot. You cannot heal and outperform a sick body. I hate to say it, but like healing will not come in a sick shell.
And a lot of us, like grief causes illness. It just does, it causes a cascade of events. And so go after your own healing, which is, that came later for me. I really went off my, after my emotional health first. Therapy, huge inner healing. If you don't know what that is, look it up. They're probably inner healers in your area who can pr, help you sit with you and ask Jesus questions, interact with them in your mind.
Go back into your childhood. Zero to 18 has impacted your grief and your widowhood. So what happened in your life from zero to 18 or 21? Abuse, abortion, your parents' divorce, all of [00:41:00] that is impacting your grief and you may not be connecting those dots. And so I had to connect those dots. I was abused as a young child.
I had no idea that was making me scream at that woman in Kroger, but it was, I. It was making my marriage hard before Blair died. So all of those things, they're just, those are really practical things, but I think it all matters. It's body, soul, and spirit. So how are you caring for your spirit? Are you in a community where Bible, in a Bible study or learning, or at least in, some kind of intentional spiritual environment, go to church.
So many widows, I cannot. I meet them every day. And honestly, had I gone through widowhood during COVID, I probably wouldn't be at church either. I, you bury your husband in the church and you just never go back. But I'm telling you that body of believers, it does something to your soul. I.
It's soul care for you to be with those people and for them to know who you are and care for you. People are like, nobody sees me. I'm [00:42:00] like are you in a community? Because nobody's gonna see you if you're just staying in your house. I just, some, at some point we have to take ownership.
We have to take ownership over our widowhood. And so I just, I love I love it when people are like, I'm going after this. Get in a never alone group. We have one on one, we have 70 cities where you can go and be in community, whether, once a month. But I think you need more than that.
I think you need a body of believers that aren't all widows. You know that every kind of. Person there, and your kids need it, and the number one predictor of kids and their faith is what their parents did. And so I just think, you are carrying the mantle of spirituality as hard as that is, but you are carrying that for your family, you and Jesus.
Get to carry that for your family. And so what does that look like to be, serious about your spirituality? So those are just a few things, but I just think how are you caring for your body and your soul and your spirit? I think it's threefold. [00:43:00] Threefold. Like you can't just do one, which I was doing.
One, I was caring for my spirit and my body and my soul and my emotions were just pathetic. And that's not, there's no wholeness in that. Jesus came for soso, heal whole and delivered. In your spirit, soul, and body.
Emily: Yeah, and I think you made a great point early on of sometimes to take care of ourself and to do more is actually to do less and to slow down and to not focus on all the checklists of things that need to get done and all the things we're supposed to do as our role in society, but to allow ourselves to find peace and rest, and then as we begin to heal.
Taking ownership and responsibility for rebuilding our social circle, reentering into a community and proactively building that up. 'cause in grief, we withdraw and we isolate because we're trying to [00:44:00] survive.
Rachel: Yeah, absolutely. But I think, you've got to. There's fear and anxiety, pushing through to get into community.
And I know it. Even if you're not like an int if you're not an introvert, even me as an extrovert, I love going to new community groups. Like it's not my favorite thing but I know what it does for my soul. And I just finished a group. It was here in Atlanta and I just finished a group and I dreaded it every week, and then I got home.
I'm like, why do I dread that so bad? I loved it. So much. You, I knew it was good for me, but I didn't really want to do it, but I knew it was good for my soul and Jesus invited me into it and I'm like, thank you for inviting me into that. I didn't love it, but I knew it was good for me and it's, it's taken like a supplement, doesn't, don't love remembering all of 'em, but I know what it's doing to my organs.
It's good.
Emily: Yes. Yes. I totally agree.
Resources for Widows
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Emily: So share with the audience, if you would, about [00:45:00] widows might. Yeah. And about never alone. And if they want to, learn more about these things or access these resources, the best way to do that.
Rachel: Yeah, so if you're new to grief, one of the things that I feel like people forget about is we have a video series called How to Widow.
It's 20 videos. It's on our [email protected], and you could be anywhere in the world and you could learn how to widow well, and I just, I love this video series like it was created with you in mind. Kids, no kids, it, it doesn't matter. Like widow in any stage, you can find videos in there that.
We'll just speak to your heart. So nevermind widows.com. You can find the local groups. The conference will be held next February in Atlanta, which is so exciting. So we would love for y'all, whoever's listening to come to that. Those tickets will be going on sale in October. It sold out in a week last year, so y'all have to get on the list like really quick.
And then. Widows might, you can find it on Amazon. It's 365 days of [00:46:00] just 200. And my story, 200 widows plus my stories. So it's just this vast, 85 to 25, these widows who just mined the treasures that God placed in their heart in the dark. And they came out still believing he was good, which is the crux of our faith.
And and then, the conference. The retreats for widows who have children in the home. If you're young and listening, gosh, we would, not just young, I mean there's a lot of 50 year olds who come 'cause they have kids still in the home. Please get on the list and apply for military widows, first responder widows.
We have a whole retreat for them. And then, just all of our resources, we have a ton of content. Our Bible study launches September 1st, a first ever Bible study called Seen, which is gonna be from desperation to destiny, a widow's journey to feeling seen. And I'm just so excited.
It's gonna be a really kind of landmark study. There's really not another Bible study out there, so it'll be eight teachers over eight weeks from desperation to destiny, and it's just, it's [00:47:00] gonna be amazing. I'm so excited about that.
Emily: I love that so much and for someone who could have said at 31, I've been widowed twice, I just wanna live the rest of my days out.
Not in suffering. You've done so much to give back to the widow community and to help other people through this journey and I just appreciate that so much and I know that the audience will as well.
Conclusion and Final Thoughts
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Rachel: Yeah, no, I don't think anyone sets out to do that. You're just like, let's just do the next thing and hold Jesus's hand and hope it all works out.
So it's been such an honor though. I love what, I never work 'cause I just love what I get to do. I just, I love that younger version of me. Who needed me.
Emily: Absolutely. Rachel, thank you so much for coming on the show today and sharing your story and what has helped you and how people can access the great resources that you have.
I really appreciate it.
Rachel: Thanks, Emily.
If you're newly widowed and aren't sure where to start, you [00:48:00] need the brave new widow's starter kit inside brave new widow. You'll find a starter guide to help you through your first few months. A quick start guide. You can share with family and friends so they know how to help you. And a collection of some of the frequent topics that widows want to learn more about. To get the brave new widow series.
Just go to brave widow. Dot com slash start it's free and you'll get instant access. That's brave widow.com/start S T a R T. See you there.
