BW 064: Love, Loss, and Second Chances: Navigating Life After Widowhood and Divorce
Nov 28, 2023Watch the video here or on YouTube; listen anywhere podcasts are played (Apple, Spotify, Google…)
The Transcript is below.
Join us as Alexandra shares her journey through love, loss, and rediscovery— from rebuilding after widowhood to navigating a second marriage that ended in divorce. Together, we explore the emotional nuances of each experience, address societal narratives, and find inspiration in the pursuit of happiness. Subscribe for a heartfelt conversation that illuminates the path to rediscovering light and love after life's challenges.
Alexandra recommends:
- Find support
- No matter what you want to do, proceed with caution to some extent
Quote:
’keep going and, and start over again. I think every time we go through something like that, we learn,’’
’'I was oddly adaptable and good at starting over the 1st time. That doesn't mean that the grief wasn't still there. Doesn't mean it's not still here today, but I was pretty good at moving forward.’’
’No matter what you want to do, proceed with caution to some extent, because you're in a difficult spot right now. But don't let the fear of other people judging you, whichever decision you want to make. Don't let that stop you from anything. Because at the end of the day, you don't have to answer to them. You answer to yourself.’’
The Brave Widow Community is a place where you can connect with other widows, find hope and healing, and begin to dream again for the future. Learn more at bravewidow.com.
Hey guys, I’m Emily Jones
I was widowed at age 37, one month shy of our 20 year wedding anniversary. Nathan and I have four beautiful children together. My world was turned completely upside down when I lost him. With faith, community, and wisdom from others, I’ve been able to find hope, joy, and dream again for the future. I want to help others do the same, too!
FOLLOW me on SOCIAL:
Twitter | @brave_widow
Instagram | @brave_widow
Facebook | https://www.facebook.com/
YouTube | @bravewidow
how to help a widow: https://www.bravewidow.com/help
transcript
===
[00:00:00] Hey hey and welcome to episode number 64 of the Brave Widow Show. Today I talk with Alexandra Corfero and before we dive into her story I want you to go on a little journey with me. I want you to imagine for a moment that as a widow your family and friends had even the basic Understanding of what being a widow has meant for you, of how losing your person has impacted you in every single aspect of your life.
Imagine that they knew things that you actually needed them to help with, that you actually wanted them to help with. Being able to educate them and equip them with the tools to help you without having to lift a finger. Does that sound like a dream world? Okay. Now [00:01:00] imagine the place that you work has the same core understanding of grief and being widowed.
They understand how they can help support you. What programs they might put in place. What dates are going to be important to you for the future. Imagine that that could be true for your church, your workplace, your support group, other organizations that you interact with. How would that change how you felt taken care of and supported through your healing journey?
Does it sound like a dream world? Does it sound like a fantasy? Well, I have some great news for you. On Thursday, November 30th, I'm hosting a three hour workshop.
This workshop is called How to Actually Help a Widow, and you [00:02:00] can ask your family, your friends, your work, your church, other organizations you may interact with. You can ask them to sign up and attend, and I'll take care of the rest. I'm going to spend three hours walking them through. The core basics of how being a widow changes everything, everything about your life, about how you look at life, about all of the small things that you do, about how it changes how you view your work, how you may want to change your role at work, how you may not be as responsive.
And they are going to receive so many.. Ideas, suggestions, checklists, templates, things that they can actually do to help support you [00:03:00] more than the food train. Now I appreciate a good food train, don't get me wrong, but we have lots of challenges with the frozen casseroles. We have picky kids, sometimes, that eat.
We have dietary restrictions. We have... A need for more space in the freezer, and we also have inherited what feels like a thousand tasks that now we must do that we didn't have to do before. So I am going to help educate, equip, and empower. Your family and friends and support group absolutely free for three hours during this workshop.
So right now just go unless you're driving or you're engaging in some physical activity that could harm you. Invite your friends, your family, your support group to join so they can understand what it takes to really, actually, truly Start to understand you and [00:04:00] to be able to help you. I am so excited about this.
Send them to Bravewidow. com slash help H E L P Now, if you're hearing this after November 30th, that's okay. This is going to be a continuous offering. Now, will it always be a three hour workshop? Will it become a series? Will it... Longer? Will it become shorter? Who knows? Who knows what's going to happen in the future?
But this is where we're starting on November 30th. This three hour workshop meant to help support the people who are supporting you because guess what? Those people want to. They want to help you. They want to do things for you. They want to mow that lawn. They want to do your laundry, but you won't let them.
Well, maybe it's not that you won't let them, but It's hard to ask and it's hard to receive. So, you know, you're going to have to work on the receiving [00:05:00] part, but I'm going to help them close the gap and I'm going to help them. With understanding how to approach you in offering help and being specific in offering days, instead of saying, is there anything I can do to help or let me know if there's something that I can do, I'm going to help teach them how to be such a powerful.
Amazing supporter and helper of you now. You're welcome to join as well. And I would love for you to join me on November 30th. I just think this is going to be so powerful for people that help widows that I want to make sure that you can help get the invite out. So again, that's going to be Bravewidow. com slash help, H E L P.
Alright, so let me introduce Alexandra before she shares her story. Alexandra was married twice before 30 and was [00:06:00] single by 35. She's a working mom constantly progressing for a better life for her family. Alright, let's dive in.
Emily Jones: Welcome to The Brave Widow Podcast. I'm your host, Emily Jones. We help young widows heal their heart, find hope, and dream again for the future.
Hey, hey, welcome back to another episode of the Brave Widow show. Today I have Alexandra Corfero with me and I'm excited for you to hear her story, hear what she has to share, and some insights that she's learned along the way. So Alexandra, welcome and thank you for coming on the show today.
Alexandra Corferro: Thank you so much for having me.
It's a pleasure to be here.
Emily Jones: Yeah, I'm very excited. So, Alexandra, I know our audience would love to know a little bit about you and your background [00:07:00] and then we can dive into your story really wherever
you'd like to start.
Alexandra Corferro: Sounds great. Uh, well, I live in the Midwest. I have been married twice. I was widowed at first and then I actually just got divorced.
So I enjoy speaking about what it was like With both of the processes and how I found it was, uh, how it felt to rebuild my life after both times. Um, I know we've heard lots of comparisons, each of us getting divorced or widowed, what it happens when people say, well, when I got divorced and how that comparison feels kind of gross sometimes.
So I like to kind of talk about the contrast between the two. I have a three year old daughter from my second marriage, and she is the light of my life, and I work a really exciting job in human resources, and uh, overall, I will say after going through both experiences, I can honestly say that I have found [00:08:00] happiness and joy, and life is going pretty well.
Emily Jones: Oh, well, I love to hear that you have such a positive outlook on life, especially with two really big losses and you're so right that, you know, a lot of times widows get very bristly if you compare the loss of divorce to the loss of a spouse. And, uh, I think that's really interesting for us to talk through because both of them are losses, you know, whether or not.
It was your decision to move forward in the divorce as a person, it's still a loss. It's still a grieving process. Um, it's just, you know, different circumstances. So I'm curious to hear, you know, what your perspective is on that. And I know that other folks will be as well, and you'll probably have the utmost respect because you have been in both of those situations.
Alexandra Corferro: I, , I met my first husband in my early 20s, and we were together for, I think, 6 or 7 years. We were [00:09:00] only married a year and a half before he passed away very suddenly. Um, and then I did meet my second husband pretty quick. Uh, it was probably about 8 months later that he and I met. Uh, we didn't actually start dating until about a year had passed.
Um, but he was really fantastic. It was... Really nice to meet somebody who I could still talk about my late husband and it wasn't weird. So that was really, really, really important to me, especially because it was still very fresh at the time.
Emily Jones: So I know a lot of people are going to be curious about, you know, after you lost your spouse, then was it hard to find someone who was okay with you talking about him and having him part of your life?
What was that experience like?
Alexandra Corferro: I just got really lucky. I think the nice part was when he and I met. We met through mutual friends, so he already knew the situation I was coming from and he's a smart guy. I think he, [00:10:00] um, I think he kind of knew what to expect in a way. He's a, he's a really good guy and.
I wasn't looking for a relationship at the time I was looking for. Let's say entertainment for a while and it turned into a really great relationship for a bit.
Emily Jones: Okay. And then, um, was there a point where you felt like, because everybody asked the question, you know, when should I start dating? How do I know if I'm ready?
Did I move too quickly? And I know that probably wasn't your intention when you first started interacting with him, but was there a point or a decision that you made? That's like, oh, they're Could be something more here more of a relationship. Am I ready for this? What kind of thoughts did you have going through that?
Alexandra Corferro: We have been hanging out a little bit. We'd been hanging out and spending some time together, and he started to say things to me like, well, I'm not seeing anybody else. Are you seeing anybody else? And I said, well, no, but I'm not dating anybody right now. It's too soon. And he's like, okay, I understand. And then [00:11:00] he kind of keep pushing with that every so often.
And then one day we were sitting on my couch, I had no makeup on. My hair is in a messy bun, and we had ordered takeout. And we were watching a horror movie and then I went, Oh my gosh, this is a relationship. He's like, yeah, I didn't want to tell you, but it's totally relationship. Um, I was worried about people judging us for it because it was pretty soon.
The first person I really told about it and my family was my older brother. And he told me you were the captain of your own ship. And that is still my favorite piece of advice right now. And that was something that really helped me go through with the next steps.
Emily Jones: Well, that's good that you had that support.
I think people are very much afraid, like you said, that they're going to not have support or get mixed support or, you know, I always say if there's 10 people surrounding a widow, they all have 10 different opinions about what they should do. So it's really hard to know, I think, in your gut, like, what is [00:12:00] the right timing and am I making the right decision?
Because your thinking partner isn't there anymore. That person that... You know, you would normally ask, so you just realize, I love it. Like no makeup, the messy bun. And you're like, Oh,
Alexandra Corferro: wait,
Emily Jones: this is more than I thought it was. So
Alexandra Corferro: it was kind of an accident.
Emily Jones: Did you, have any struggles with guilt or with, Thinking, Oh, am I really ready for this?
Or did you have any doubts, you know, after that point?
Alexandra Corferro: Yeah. Um,
guilt definitely came with happiness for a bit. That was big. Um, one thing that I noticed that I thought was kind of strange too was, uh, as our relationship progressed, I didn't find intimacy to be the hard part. I found things like cuddling to be the part that triggers some of the grief at first.
Emily Jones: Just those normal, normalized, you know, interactions [00:13:00] and things. Well, that, that makes sense.
Alexandra Corferro: Yeah, but you know what else really helped? My late husband's cat, who never liked me. Loved this new guy more than he loved me for sure and by the time that cat passed away and my second husband was just devastated.
I did think there was something kind of sweet about it and I could imagine. My late husband saying to him, like, you know, she's fine. She's gonna do whatever she wants, but you take care of that cat.
Emily Jones: Oh, I love that. Isn't it funny how we kind of see these signs or, you know, almost like messages from our late spouse. That's really sweet. Yeah. I love that. So, uh, you eventually married this person. Uh, how about, how long did you date? Before you decided to get married,
Alexandra Corferro: I think we were together about three years and then we got married and we just would have had [00:14:00] our four year wedding anniversary.
Emily Jones: Okay.
And what has that experience been like going through a very different type of loss and how you look at things versus when you lost your spouse?
Alexandra Corferro: I think the most interesting takeaway for me is this divorce has been a lot easier for me than I think it would have been if I hadn't been widowed before, because it was such a different, deeper trauma to lose my first husband that way.
And even though there's still some grief to it, it's still very sad, obviously. I mean, it got finalized a few days ago, so I'm... It's still very fresh. But I think the biggest takeaway for me was it was just not as hard. It's still hard. It's still heartbreaking. But he is still alive. And he's still gonna have a good [00:15:00] life.
And that's really what matters to me.
Emily Jones: Yeah, that, that makes sense. And I think, sometimes we fall into the trap of trying to compare grief. So, trying to compare, well, my pain is worse than yours because I was married longer. Or, I didn't get to have the time, you know, as much time with them as... I would have liked to have, or, you know, I think anytime we start a sentence with the word, like, at least, like, oh, well, at least he's still alive.
At least, you know, you have someone to help you with the kids. That's when we know there's the rest of that sentence probably isn't going to be very helpful at all. So I think you make a, uh. Very open and vulnerable point to say the first loss is much more traumatic. It's unexpected. It just shatters you.
And divorce can bring its own grief and trauma. So it's not necessarily about comparing them to say, well. I've had it worse than you, or you've had it worse than me, [00:16:00] but both of them suck. Both of them are right, right.
Alexandra Corferro: I, it was, they're, they're very, very painful. Both of them are, but it doesn't cloud your life the same way the loss of your spouse because of debt does, you know, and yeah, they're a pain to deal with sometimes, but they're alive.
Emily Jones: Very true. So what suggestions would you have maybe for a widow that's in your position and maybe they're considering divorce or they're going through it or they're trying to process all of the feelings and the emotions of this loss that they now are having after their first loss? What advice would you have for them?
Alexandra Corferro: I would say just
keep going and, and start over again. I think every time we go through something like that, we learn, I was oddly adaptable and good at starting over the 1st time. That doesn't mean that the grief wasn't [00:17:00] still there. Doesn't mean it's not still here today, but I was pretty good at moving forward.
In a healthy way and starting my life over again, and now I kind of feel like I can look back and see what I learned the 1st time and hopefully improve the process. The 2nd time. I mean, I hope to not have to keep doing this. Maybe I should just. Spend some more time single for a little bit. I don't know, but I I'm in a good spot now and I'm content with what I have.
Emily Jones: That's good to hear and I'm sure it takes obviously time and proactive work to heal and to be able to. , be ready. I know, uh, I'm in a relationship now and it's wonderful, but I also did start dating really early after losing my spouse and I overlooked a lot of things or I, you know, dismissed some things that maybe I wouldn't have before.
So a lot of times I'll, I'm [00:18:00] asked, you know, when is the right time to start dating? When am, when am I really ready for a relationship to me? I think it's more about. Are you looking to fill a hole and to replace a void and you're lonely or you're working on creating a life that you can be excited about and even if you didn't ever get into another relationship, you would still enjoy that life, but you're at a point where it would be nice to have someone to share that with.
And so you're looking out of abundance rather than looking out of Loss and and loneliness, I think that plays a big role in who we decide to be with what decisions we make and how clearly we're able to to see that. Did did you have a similar experience?
Alexandra Corferro: Yeah, and, you know, looking back, I can say to, even though.
My 2nd marriage didn't work out. I don't regret it, and I don't think I just rushed into it, I don't think it was a hasty decision because I was grieving, it just, I think it was supposed to happen that way, and [00:19:00] it's a shame it turned out the way it did, but I, I think in a few years, he and I will still be good friends, and he's the father of my child, and I'm glad he's still in my life, and It's alright that it didn't work out, and just because it didn't work out doesn't mean that it was a symptom of me moving too fast or screaming.
That's just what happens in relationships sometimes.
Emily Jones: Oh, yeah, definitely. And, um, I just try to encourage people that are curious, you know, about when should they consider it? Do they need to spend time single? Do they need to spend time healing? Do they, you know, I think there's no perfect answer for any person other than what they know themselves.
It's just, I think, things to be aware of when we're hurting and we're so lonely. And, um, I don't think we look at your. You know, divorce is like, Oh, well, that was a failure or that didn't work. I mean, you're right. That happens with relationships all the time. At least half [00:20:00] of marriages right now and a divorce.
So it's not to say that it was a failure or a bad decision or anything like that. It's just. A bad thing that happened in life and a loss that you have to learn to navigate. You're just navigating it much differently than you did before. Do you feel like you have a good support system, like family or friends that help, um, support you as you go through that?
Alexandra Corferro: I do
have a fantastic family. We're all very, very close. They're fun, wonderful people. I've got great friends. I have spent a lot of time in widow communities online. Um, I think that that's how we met from a Facebook group. I like to immerse myself in it some because it's so easy to isolate yourself in either situation when you're sad.
And so I spend my time with my family who have nothing to do with the widows in my life. I spend some time with the widows who can get where I'm coming from with everything. Um, and one beautiful crossover, my late husband's aunt is [00:21:00] one of my best friends in the world. And we became extra close after he had passed away.
And then her husband unfortunately passed away as well. So we have our widow club meetings where we go out to dinner and we laugh and we cry in public and we're completely comfortable with it. So I have a really fantastic variety of support from really wonderful people.
Emily Jones: Oh, what a beautiful relationship that came out of that.
Those two horrible losses. Yeah, I love that. Yeah, I was very blessed, um, I became much closer to my in laws, and actually my mother in law is like more of a mom to me than I could ever hope for, and it's just a beautiful thing that has come out of something tragic and, you know, awful, and I think Finding support groups, whether it's on Facebook, like, you know, you and I have been part of, or whether it's, you know, in person having people that understand and in their [00:22:00] own experience who get it, they, you know, kind of speak the same language.
You don't really have to explain yourself a whole lot that goes a really long way, um, because this is a very isolating and lonely journey, as you know, and so having those, those people around you can make a big difference. Absolutely. Well, um, any other words of advice or encouragement or suggestions that you would have for someone who's navigating such a complex and difficult journey as you've had?
I
Alexandra Corferro: would say no matter what you want to do, proceed with caution to some extent, because you're in a difficult spot right now. But don't let the fear of other people judging you, whichever decision you want to make. Don't let that stop you from anything. Because at the end of the day, you don't have to answer to them.
You answer to yourself. And if you can sleep at night knowing you made the right decisions for you and your family, then
there's nothing to worry about.
You're the captain of your own ship. Yeah, that's right.
[00:23:00] Chris, he added different explicatives when he said it, but that's, we'll
Emily Jones: keep it PG. Yeah. All right.
Well, thank you, Alexandra, so much for coming and being willing to share your story and to be so open about your challenges and what you would do to overcome that. I really appreciate it.
Alexandra Corferro: Perfect. Thank you so much for having me
Emily Jones: hey guys. Thank you so much for listening to the Brave Widow Podcast. I would love to help you take your next step, whether that's healing your heart, finding hope, or achieving your dreams for the future.
Do you need a safe space to connect with other like-minded widows? Do you wish you had how-tos for getting through the next steps in your journey, organizing your life or moving through grief? What about live calls where you get answers to your burning questions? The Brave Widow Membership Community is just what you need.
Inside you'll [00:24:00] find courses to help guide you, a community of other widows to connect with, live coaching and q and a calls, and small group coaching where you can work on what matters most to you. Learn how to heal your heart, find hope, reclaim joy, and dream again for the future. It is possible. Head on over to brave widow.com to learn more.
