BW 169: The 5 Scores That Tell You What To Do Next (Widow Self-Audit + Free Consult Sheet)

[TRANSCRIPT BELOW]

 

Most widows aren’t “stuck”—they’re undecided on their next step. In this episode, I walk you through the exact 10-minute self-audit I use on consults so you can see where you are (and what to do next) today.

 

What You’ll Learn

•  A simple 5-question audit to pinpoint your next step (not your “forever plan”).
•  How to rate yourself 1–10 in Routine, Relationships, Confidence, Purpose, and Direction.
•  The “8–10 test”: name the one change that would move your number up, then do just that.
•  Why “little-p” purpose (coffee, calls, tiny kindnesses) rebuilds meaning faster than waiting for a lightning-bolt calling.
•  How to use the free Consult Sheet to see progress in black-and-white.

 

Find the free download at www.bravewidow.com/consult 

 

Chapters: 

00:00 — Welcome + why this episode is different (watch with a pen!)

01:00 — What actually happens on a Brave Widow consult (no pressure, real clarity)

04:00 — How the 5-Bucket Self-Audit works (score 1–10, gut check > perfection)

06:00 — Bucket 1: Routine (from “always behind” → predictable rhythms)

11:00 — Bucket 2: Relationships (friendships, family, community, dating readiness)

12:00 — Bucket 3: Confidence (decisions without second-guessing; fear under the surface)

18:00 — Bucket 4: Purpose (“little-p” purpose you can do daily; meaning after loss)

21:00 — Bucket 5: Direction (near-term plan, next right step, momentum map)

25:00 — Turn scores into action: close your gap (what would make it an 8–10?)

26:00 — How to use the free Consult Sheet to track progress over time

28:00 — Inside Brave Widow Academy: live-taught curriculum + step-by-step supports

30:00 — Is Grief Recovery Method or Academy the better starting point for you?

31:00 — Wrap + invitations (download, consult, programs)

 

 

✨ Work with Emily: Ready to stop just surviving and start rebuilding? Book a free consult at bravewidow.com.

 

 

📌 Subscribe & Stay Connected

👍 Like this video if it helped you

🎧 Subscribe for more stories and strategies for life after loss.

💬 Leave a comment if this story resonates with you or if you want to share your own experience.
📩 Share it with someone who needs encouragement

“What was your lowest score and why? Comment it below, and I’ll reply with one tiny step you can take this week.”

Ready for more support? 

 

Book a free consult here: https://calendly.com/bravewidow/widow-consult-call

Download the Brave New Widow Starter Kit: A free guide to help you navigate the first steps of widowhood. → https://bravewidow.com/start

 

Grief Recovery Method Group: Tuesdays 12–2 pm CT, Sept 30–Nov 18, $400 (credited toward Brave Widow Academy or 1:1).

Brave Widow Academy: Next cohort starts in November.

 

 

I’m Emily Tanner.  I was widowed at age 37, one month shy of our 20 year wedding anniversary.  Nathan and I have four beautiful children together, and my world was turned completely upside down when I lost him.  

 

Now, I love my life again!  I’m able to experience joy, achieve goals and dreams I thought I’d lost, and rediscover this next version of me.

 

I did the work.

I invested in coaching for myself.

I learned what I needed to do to move forward and took the steps.

I implemented the tools and strategies that I use for my clients in my coaching program.

 

 

This is for you, if:

•  You want a faith-based approach to coaching
•  You want to move forward after loss, and aren’t sure how
•  You want to enjoy life without feeling weighed down by guilt, sadness, or regret
•  You want a guide to help navigate this journey to the next version of you
•  You want to rediscover who you are

 

•  Schedule a consult with Emily:  https://calendly.com/bravewidow/widow-consult-call?month=2024-08 

 

 

Find and take the next steps to move forward (without “moving on”).

 

 

 

FOLLOW me on SOCIAL:

 

Twitter | @brave_widow

 

Instagram | @brave_widow

 

Facebook |   / bravewidow  

 

YouTube | @bravewidow

 

---

TRANSCRIPT:

[00:00:00]

Welcome to The Brave Widow Show. I'm your host, Emily Tanner. The Brave Widow Academy is open for enrollment right now. If you're a widow, feeling stuck, lost or just ready to start living again, but don't know where to start, this is your next step. It's the only program that gives you a clear proven process to rebuild your identity, your confidence, and your life after loss.

To learn more or to enroll today, just head to bravewidow.com/academy. I'll see you on the inside.

Hey, hey, and welcome to episode number 169 of the Brave Widow Show. Guys, we have so much going on. The next Grief Recovery group starts on September 30th, and they will meet on Tuesdays from 12:00 PM to 2:00 PM Central. And the last [00:01:00] time I checked for this Grief Recovery Method group, we had four spots remaining, but I'm also recording this podcast a week before it comes out.

So I don't know, we may not have spots open but the time you hear this, but if you're interested, I would love to hear from you and work with you on when the next Grief Recovery Method group will be available. All right, so in today's episode, I wanna do something. A little bit different. Are you ready for this?

You might actually want to watch or listen to this episode when you have time to write down your answers and take notes. What I'm gonna attempt to do today is walk you through my consult process. I get a lot of questions from people. And a lot of hesitation from people to schedule a consult because a consult sounds really scary.

Like what is it? What questions do you ask? How does it [00:02:00] work? People often wanna know what a consult call is, and sometimes people just wanna know what coaching is like, what is coaching? How is it different than therapy? How do all of those things work? So today I am gonna walk you through that. And what I recommend is that you write down what the answers, your answers to these questions would be.

Because even if I would love for you to sign up for a consult call. It's free and there's no pressure. But even if you're not ready for that or you're not interested in that, you can create your own next step plans based on what you hear or what you see in today's episode, which is. Super exciting, in the consult process, you know, typically when people schedule a consult call, I ask if there's anything that they would like me to know. And so people will give me generally an overview, which many times is often how long they've been [00:03:00] widowed, some of the challenges they face, what is really top of mind for them, and so.

When we get on the call together, I'm just recapping. You know what they entered when they scheduled the consult call to acknowledge that I did read what they write, what they wrote when they entered that in and just. Provide an observation. Sometimes I'll do consult with people and they've been widowed 10 years.

Other times I might do a consult call and it's just been a couple of weeks. And so I always wanna acknowledge, um, what they have shared with me and ask just a few basic easy opener questions to get people comfortable, like, how did you hear about me? Or Where did you find me? Often I will also ask like, why did you schedule the call today?

Like, what felt. What was the urgency? What was the desire? What was the thing that really just inspired you to stop thinking about it and actually go [00:04:00] schedule the consult call? I've had people who have listened to me for almost three years. I re recently had a client join that was listening for a year and a half before she finally was like, okay, it's time to do something different.

So I always like to hear from people like what was it like? What was that moment where you made the decision? Something's gotta change. I want something to be different because that can really help me understand their mindset or some of their pain points that have really encouraged them to take that step.

So as we get through some of those early on questions, here's the part where I really want you to pay attention. This is the part where I really encourage and invite you to write down your answers and to track them over time. Okay? So if you're driving. You can listen, but maybe listen again and write your answers down.

Don't drive and write. Okay. Maybe come back to this [00:05:00] episode. Okay. So we have five categories that typically I work, uh, with widows on and what I ask widows to rate so. I always, in the initial question and kind of the opening before I get to the categories, I typically will ask them what work they've done with emotional healing or grief recovery.

So this is me trying to understand if they've tried counseling, if they've gone to grief, gr. Groups if they've tried reading books and just getting a feel for whether or not they feel like that was helpful, if it's something that resonated with them, if they've done a ton of work. Sometimes people have done a ton of work around emotional healing or if really they feel like they have not.

Done a lot of processing or maybe it's just been on their own through journaling or writing. Really what I'm trying to get the sense of there is whether or not they need to start [00:06:00] with grief recovery method or if they can do it just in parallel with some of the other things that they'll be working on.

For some people processing their grief or a lack of processing their grief can be a stumbling block to being able to work on other things. So sometimes we need to start with grief recovery method and then we can step forward. And other times it's helpful for them to go through it. It will be a bonus add, but their grief and their emotional state isn't necessarily what's holding them back.

So it's more of a bonus for them. Okay. The five categories. Are you ready? So on a scale of one to 10, and this is not scientific, okay, so we just go with your gut, go with the first number that comes to mind as you think about the first category here is what I call routine. Think of it as like being in a state of calm.

[00:07:00] So if you think about a scale of one to 10, one would be I feel completely overwhelmed. I can't seem to get anything done. There are lots of big projects that I can't seem to get around to or work in, or I just feel discouraged and can't seem to like do anything to move things forward or. Again, I'm just really overwhelmed and reacting to everything around me instead of being proactive.

A 10 on that side of the scale is more. I have a good routine. I feel good about it. It supports me. It helps me stay organized. I'm able to schedule in projects or big tasks. This isn't really a challenge for me. So a lot of people that I work with are really across the board here. Some people might be a 3, 4, 5, and.

Often it's their work schedule that's giving them a sense of routine or it's someone that they're caring for or animals they're caring for something that's driving that routine of these are [00:08:00] things that I have to do on a regular basis. Now sometimes people are really high on the routine side and feel that life is calm and good and, and this isn't an issue or challenge for them, but no matter what, people respond with the question.

I always. Ask is, okay, why did you rate it that? So, audience member, listener, I want you to do the same. I want you to write down on a scale of one to 10 how you would rate this category of routine. Let's say you gave it a four. Okay? Then I ask the person on the consult, tell me why you gave it a four.

Tell me about that. And people will tell me like, oh, well, I can get up. I go to work. I do some of these things, but I have a lot of projects, or I feel overwhelmed, or I don't know where to start. I just can't seem to ever get that stuff done. Or I try to start it, it feels overwhelming, and I just quit. So then my next question on that category is, okay, let's think [00:09:00] about six months from now.

Maybe you're not writing your routine. A 10 in six months. Okay. Right now it's September. Let's say in March you were on this call with me and you're like, oh, my routine is now an eight or a nine. So it started at a four. Now it's at an eight or a nine. Like what would be different? What would have to be true for you to rate it an eight or a nine?

Or if you're unsure, what would it feel like? And so sometimes people are very clear, like, oh, if I was gonna rate this, you know, a nine, then I would have decluttered my house. I would have tackled some of these big projects and had accountability to get them done. I would feel like I'm not always behind, like I'm not always drowning.

These are the things that it would look like. And for other people it's a little more abstract, where it's like, well, I wouldn't feel overwhelmed. I would feel more confident. [00:10:00] I would feel more organized. I would feel less stress because I would have a plan and a routine and more structure in my life, which is what I'm lacking.

So for you, I'm asking you the same question, whatever number you rated your sense of routine. What would it look like or what would it feel like if you were to rate that closer to a 10? So depending on what people say, I will use examples of how either I have overcome some of those challenges, how I have helped other clients, and I won't use a client's name, but I'll say, oh, I had a client with, this exact challenge, and she thought this was gonna take three years.

And we actually were able to achieve these projects in like four months. It was amazing. I may give high level examples. And also on their sheet they have the exact system that I have developed to help people [00:11:00] focus on that area. So if someone's struggling with routine, I refer them to the chaos to calm blueprint, because in the chaos to calm.

Blueprint. We focus on things like creating a routine, creating your dream schedule that allows you to feel like you're focusing on the things that are important to you in a way that's helpful and supportive and not overwhelming. We teach them about emotional healing. We teach about. Being gentle with yourself and lowering the expectations for yourself.

There are a lot of amazing things that we cover in the Chaos to Calm Blueprint, and so depending on the person's situation, I'll pull some of those things out. So maybe it's my story, maybe it's a client example, or maybe I'll say, okay, well, typically what I would do with widows in this situation is we would work on this, and this, and that's how they would achieve what it is that you're looking for.

All right, so that's category number one, [00:12:00] routine. The second category that we often look at is called relationships. And so again, think about relationships as current family and friends think about and your satisfaction with those relationships. Like do you have people around you that allow you to feel seen, heard, supported, cared for?

People embrace you as whole and perfect just the way that you are. So we look at current family and friends, and we also look at your confidence around going out to meet new people and make new friends. So in relationships and depending on where someone is or their challenges, sometimes relationships is inclusive of dating.

So someone may be at a point in their journey where, um, they really want to focus on dating or they're curious about it. They kind of wanna [00:13:00] tease around it a little bit. So we just talk about relationships and how they want to. View this bucket and you can do the same. Okay, so when you think about relationships and not how many you have, but think more about the quality, think more about feeling personally seen and heard, understood, supported, accepted.

You could also think about boundaries and people pleasing. So your satisfaction with relationships. On a scale of one to 10, what would you rate that? Okay. And why would you rate it that? Go ahead and you could pause this and write that down.

Now, same question. What would get you closer to an eight, nine, or 10 from where you are? Maybe you rated relationships high already, maybe it's already a nine. And so when you think about going from a nine to a 10, there's just a few little things or a couple things you wanna list out, and that's fine.

Maybe your [00:14:00] relationships is like one of my recent consults where it was a one and she felt completely isolated and abandoned, and. No one around her was safe. Okay. So for her, thinking about going from a one to a 10 seems impossible. So in that case, I might say, okay, well let's think about going from a one to a a five or a one to a six.

What does that look like? Or if you can envision going from a one to a nine or a one to a 10, what does that look like? And writing it down, what would that look like? What would have to be true? How would that feel? What would that change about your life now? So again, with relationships, I will give examples of either myself, of a client that I've worked with or I will pull from what the system that we use for relationships, which is called the connection protocol.

And in the connection protocol, we teach widows [00:15:00] how to build a board of advisors to fill in the gap for having lost their thought partner, having lost their safety net with making decisions. We teach widows how to go out and meet people and make friends, even if they're an introvert, even if they're a homebody, even if they hate small talk.

I teach con not confidence. I do teach confidence that one's next. I teach attachment styles, communication boundaries, family relationships, and we also have a whole module on dating for people who are interested in dating. And so depending on what's coming up during the consult, I will pull from some of those things to share how I would be able to help them, help support them or what that looks like.

Okay. Category number three is confidence. So on a scale of one to 10, how would you rate your confidence? Confidence in yourself, confidence in your ability to make [00:16:00] decisions without second guessing them constantly. And confidence with your ability to try new things and maybe trying new things is like trying a new hobby.

Maybe it's traveling on your own for the first time, but everyone has somewhat of an idea of what trying new things means for them. So go ahead and rate your confidence on a scale of one to 10. Confidence is usually a tricky one because we're used to having that thought partner, that person, to bounce ideas off of that safety net, that if we make a decision and it doesn't go the way that we thought or we hoped someone else is like shouldering the responsibility and they're shouldering the ownership and having made that decision and it's not all on us.

Confidence can also be difficult because when you go through something traumatic like losing your spouse, there's a lot of [00:17:00] anxiety and a lot of fear that's underneath the surface. Your nervous system may be working on overdrive. Your brain may be kicking up a lot of fear and anxiety and doubt. And what if this right?

And so confidence is not always but often an area that would always want to improve. And so you rate that on a scale of one to 10, we talk about the gap, right? So we talk about where you are versus where you would like to be, what makes that closer to a 10. And then we talk about inside Brave Widow, the system and the framework that we use is called the self trust system.

So this is a system that I teach my clients, whether you're in the academy or whether you're one-on-one with me, I teach all my clients how to rebuild confidence in yourself and confidence that doesn't come from having all the [00:18:00] answers. It doesn't come from having control. It doesn't come from knowing exactly how things are gonna turn out.

This is confidence in making a decision and sticking with it, not getting into the thought spiral of all the second guessing and all the waffling back and forth, and all of the what ifs. But it's also confidence in navigating the unknown. In navigating through fear. In navigating situations where you are not in control, this is like building up a muscle.

This is why we call it Brave Widow because we feel the fear and we do it anyway. We feel the anxiety and we step forward. We feel the weight of it on our shoulders, and we still take action. And through a series of doing this over time, this is how you start to build confidence. Confidence comes from action, not from waiting.

Okay. The fourth category that we [00:19:00] look at is purpose. So on a scale of one to 10, how would you rate your sense of purpose and meaning in your life and often. This is where people who do not have children or people who are empty nesters, or people who maybe have only stepchildren, this is an area that typically is a big struggle because now your identity has changed.

You felt like a wife and maybe taking care of your spouse, being there for your spouse, doing life with your spouse is what gave you a sense of purpose and meaning. And now you have your spouse that has died combined with the fact that you don't have children or, or combine with the fact that you have children that are.

Empty nesting soon, or have empty nested already, and you're like, well, now what? Nobody needs me. It's just me. What is my purpose? What is the point of me even [00:20:00] being here? My kids don't even really need me anymore, or I don't have kids where I feel like I have a role and an identity and a sense of purpose in being a mom or in being that caretaker.

This can be an area where a lot of widows struggle, and so again, we ask people to rate it on a scale of one to 10, and then what it would look like. For them to be closer to a 10. And a lot of times this is where it feels really obscure and people are like, I just, I don't know. I don't know how it would be possible to have this sense of purpose and meaning.

I don't know. Like what would it be that feeds into that. And so the system that we use in Brave Widow is called the Discover Your Purpose Plan. And so this is where I work with widows in finding things that give them a sense of purpose and meaning and not purpose. With a capital P, that's like, oh, I was created for this one thing in this one moment.

You can have [00:21:00] purpose with a little p and you can find meaning. And how you intentionally show up and live every day and the way that you make your coffee, and the way that you reach out to friends in the way that you present yourself to the world. Purpose does not have to be, I'm gonna write a book, I'm gonna start a business, I'm gonna do a podcast.

Like purpose can be, I'm gonna go pray with someone this week. I'm gonna show up and be the person that people can rely on, like just being reliable. Like that's, that gives me a sense of meaning. It even could be as you are trying new activities or hobbies or volunteering, or as we're venturing out into this new world that you're finding the things that light you up inside.

The things that. Are the catalyst to a fire within your soul that drive you and and make you [00:22:00] want to do more of that thing. Those are things that we discover over time as we're working together. Okay, category number five. Here we have a sense of direction. So direction, meaning I don't feel lost. So on the scale of one to 10, one would be, I feel lost.

I often feel like I'm going backwards. I don't know what's next. I don't know. My next step this is one of the top questions I often get asked by widows is like, what am I supposed to do next? What's my next step? What am I supposed to focus on? So if you're feeling lost, this would be more closer to a one.

If you feel guided, you feel like you are taking steps forward, you have momentum, you have traction. It might be baby steps, but it's baby steps forward. That would be closer to a 10. And so we talk about the gap of where they are versus where they wanna be. And again, this is another one where [00:23:00] people feel a little more abstract.

It's really unclear maybe what that looks like. And so I just will share with them what is possible with knowing when you are guided. You are clear and you are connected to other people, how you'll be able to see that you are taking steps forward. Okay, so those are the five categories that we rate routine relationships.

Confidence, purpose, and direction. And before I forget to mention, the system that we use inside of Brave Widow is called the move Forward method. So this is all about vision setting, all about discovering and trying new things. Also about tracking our progress. Now, how do we track progress? Those five categories that I shared with you, these apply to almost a hundred percent of my clients.

And so for the majority of my clients, these are the five categories that we track, and the consult becomes their [00:24:00] baseline. So let's say that you rated confidence a three. We are gonna track that routinely over the course of you being in the academy or being in one-on-one coaching so that you can see over time how that number is changing.

Some weeks it might go up, some weeks it might go down, but the, at the end of six months in pretty much every client in one or more areas, that number grows significantly, and it's so amazing when we do these celebration calls. We can sit back and reflect and go, wow, you know, look at where you started, look at the challenges you had, and look where you are now.

This is really, really amazing. So at this point in the consult, I will use my best judgment and the best divine guidance that I can receive to plan out what someone's next steps should be. So this is really at the [00:25:00] bottom of the consult sheet. Where I go through like our plan of attack, like our plan of action here if they need to do grief recovery method first, I list that first.

Then often I may list things like, um, the chaos to calm blueprint, which will help them with things like routine, putting up their confidence, focusing on relationships, working on defining, redefining their identity and finding purpose. And then also, um. The move forward method where really they are feeling that they have a clearer picture of an excitement for their future and they're really starting to set some more concrete goals of things that they wanna accomplish in their life.

And so I walk them through step by step each one of those that are available to them. And I email all of those notes to them at the end of the call. I hope that this session today was helpful. I would love to be able [00:26:00] to do a consult call with you and walk you through this, and I'm actually gonna make my consult sheet something that you can download for free.

If you go to brave widow.com/consult, then you'll be able to find the link to download the. Consult template, absolutely for free. And you can walk yourself through this, right? So you'll be able to download this, print it out, use your computer. It's just located in Google Docs, so you can do it right on your computer, your phone, your tablet, whatever it is that you're using, and you can even track your own progress.

And you could see. What are in what are some of the things that the Brave Widow systems would be able to do to help you in each of those categories of things that you may be struggling with? So to schedule your consult, go to brave widow.com and to download your consult sheet or to get a link to make a copy of your own sheet.[00:27:00]

Go to brave widow.com/consult and you can have that absolutely for free. And guess what? I love talking to my audience. I love hearing from people. So I would love to know from you, as you self-identify, as you, even if you wanna fill out your own consult sheet, try to come up with your own plan of what you would focus on next.

Let me know. You can share your personal link with me. You could just send me an email, [email protected] and say, Hey, this is how I'm rating some of my categories. What do you think? I would just love to see where you're at, what is top of mind for you, and ultimately, as always, my goal is to help bring you clarity with finding what is your exact next step.

Now as a reminder, we are starting our next group of Brave Widow Academy in November, and in the Brave Widow [00:28:00] Academy. I teach all of these modules step by step every week. Each week in Brave Widow Academy we're covering things and the chaos to Calm blueprint, or the connection protocol, or the self-trust system.

And the way that I've designed the curriculum is if I were to take someone from A to Z through the four seasons of grief through their journey of a widow hood. Starting with someone who's in deep grief or someone who wants to build a strong foundation of grief, of routine, of emotional healing, of, physical movement.

All of those basic core things to take care of our heart and our body all the way through. Being able to discover your purpose and redefine your identity and create a vision for your future that is so crystal clear that you are enthusiastic about living life and trying new things and figuring out [00:29:00] just how much you can learn and grow.

And so during our six months in the academy, this is what I'm covering. Every week I do an hour of teaching and an hour of coaching, and I teach each of these classes live, but I don't know that I will do that for forever. So I am somewhat undecided. This may be the last time that I teach these classes live, that they're not in the Brave Widow portal.

I will still do live coaching in the academy. Always, every week we have live coaching and it's really amazing the things that people are seeing and saying in the group and about the group, but I don't know that I'm gonna teach the same curriculum over and over and over when we have those videos in the portal.

And so that may change after this group, but I do know for this group in November, I am gonna teach these classes live at least one more time. And maybe I just do it [00:30:00] once a year. I'm not really sure. But we will always have the group coaching. So I share that because I want to be transparent about the academy and about this really being one of the best times that you can join, because you'll get to hear me teach it live every single week.

Plus get your hour of weekly coaching, and for anyone who enrolls in the academy before October. So I know we've got just like over a week left, but if you enroll in the academy before October, not only will you get the early access to the systems. And to the replays, not only will you get access to some pre-launch calls, but you'll also get three one-on-one calls with me that you'll be able to experience.

But I'm only offering that for people who join in September or for people who schedule their consult call in September. And ultimately. Ultimately make that [00:31:00] decision. So again, if you're interested in a consult call, you can go to brave widow.com, sign up for your consult, even if you have to book your consult in October.

If you book it before the end of September, I'm gonna give you those three bonus one-on-one coaching calls as part of enrollment inside of the academy. And to do that, just go to brave widow.com. I look forward to talking to you soon.

If you're tired of feeling lost, lonely, and second guessing every decision, my coaching program is meant for you. I help clients find clarity, create real connection, and build confidence up for good. Inside the coaching program, you'll learn real tools that you'll be able to use for a lifetime.

If you're ready for the next step, go to brave widow.com to book a consult. It's free. It's no pressure, and it can be your brave next step to [00:32:00] healing your heart and building a life you love again, go to brave widow.com today to book your consult.