BW 069: Love Beyond Loss: A Story of Healing and Second Chances
Dec 08, 2023Watch the video here or on YouTube; listen anywhere podcasts are played (Apple, Spotify, Google…)
The Transcript is below.
Content warning: chemotherapy and radiation, cancer, surgery, disease metastasized, death
Today I speak with Toni Donahue. So let me introduce you to her. Toni's late fiance was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 2017. By 2020, the disease metastasized and she lost him in 2021.
It was an absolutely devastating four year battle. They fought hard. They were together for 14 years and had two children who were seven and nine when he passed. She met her chapter two in May of 2022, and they sold their homes, blended families, and were recently married.
Toni recommend:
- Find support
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Educate yourself as much as possible on what somebody's fighting so that you know how to be an advocate for them
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You have to do things for you and you got to try to sep
arate yourself from it sometimes
Quote:
''Pick your battles. I feel like when you go through grief and you lose people, it makes it so that like, not everything is the end of the world. Like it might've been before loss. Like you appreciate the time and space and the ability to be with the people that you love a lot more.''
The Brave Widow Community is a place where you can connect with other widows, find hope and healing, and begin to dream again for the future. Learn more at bravewidow.com.
Hey guys, I’m Emily Jones
I was widowed at age 37, one month shy of our 20 year wedding anniversary. Nathan and I have four beautiful children together. My world was turned completely upside down when I lost him. With faith, community, and wisdom from others, I’ve been able to find hope, joy, and dream again for the future. I want to help others do the same, too!
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Transcript:
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Emily: [00:00:00] Hey, hey, and welcome to episode number 69 of the brave widow show. Today is December 8th, which means. The widow's winter solstice is only two weeks away. I'm so excited. If you are not signed up, I don't know what to tell you at this point, unless this is your first episode, but you should sign up. You should be on the email list by going to brave widow.
com slash free F R E E and be in the know via be an email VIP and know when these amazing free events are coming. To a virtual hangout near you, the widow winter solstice. You do not want to miss this event. We do so many just amazing, wonderful heartwarming things. And I don't say that because of me, but because of the awesome widows who participate on the panel, the people who provide input and give us, you know, items [00:01:00] for discussion while we're on this hangout, we give away books.
We give away Amazon gift cards. We give away membership passes. We have moments of reflection. We have activities and music and we always laugh and cry and just have this wonderful mix of emotions, which. It's such a reflection of our journey of grief, of embracing all the different feels and emotions at the same time.
So you do not want to miss this event. It's December 21st from 6 PM to 8 PM. And again, To get on the email list, go to BraveWidow. com slash free. All right. Well, today I speak with Toni Donahue. So let me introduce you to her. Toni's late fiance was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 2017. By 2020, the disease metastasized and she lost him in 2021.
It was an absolutely devastating [00:02:00] four year battle. They fought hard. They were together for 14 years and had two children who were seven and nine when he passed. She met her chapter two in May of 2022, and they sold their homes, blended families, and were recently married. Alright, let's dive in to Tony's story.
Emily Jones: Hey, hey, welcome to another episode of the brave widow show. Today. I have a special guest, Tony Donahue, and I'm so excited for Tony to be here and to be able to share her story. So Tony, thank you so much for agreeing to come on the show. And I'm, I'm really glad to have you today.
Toni Donahue: Thank you for having me.
Emily Jones: Absolutely. So if you don't mind, if you would share with the audience a little bit about you, about your background, and then we can just dive into your story wherever you'd like to start.
Toni Donahue: Okay. I met my late fiance in, spring of [00:03:00] 2008. Uh, we were together for about 4 years before we brought our 1st daughter into the world, Olivia, and then We bought our 1st home together, and that was a big accomplishment for us.
And, uh, that following year, we brought our other daughter into the world, Addison., we had a pretty exciting family life with, you know, two small girls. Nothing was a dull moment ever. We were all doing fine and dandy until, uh, November of 2017 when the. Doctors called after some tests he had and we had to go into the office and at that moment, I knew something was wrong.
We went in and he was diagnosed with stage 1b pancreatic adenocarcinoma and following that was four years of life risking surgeries to try to save him, chemotherapy, radiations, everything you can think of and it was awful. He was three or my girls were three and [00:04:00] five when he was diagnosed. And he passed away in December of 27 or 2021, and they were seven and nine at that point.
Emily Jones: A good portion of what they remember is probably you being kind of the caretaker and, having probably doctor's office visits and hospital trips. And
Toni Donahue: yeah, it was all of that. And then reactions to chemotherapy and long term hospitalizations. And like I said, very risky, awful surgeries. I went on to have to, he worked in the insurance industry and he actually did, uh, like title insurance for homes and abstracts and stuff. So he, uh, very well could have prepared a little bit financially for me before he passed. But I think he just got so taken over by the cancer that he just lost the focus of making sure everything was okay.
So there were a lot of fire. after he passed. Our home was in his name. It [00:05:00] wasn't in my name. You know, there were lots of bills that I had to take over. I had to get a lawyer. I had to settle the estate and eventually found out that it probably would be more cost effective to sell the house.
So I sold our home but before that I met my chapter two and very quickly after like a month, I'm so thankful he came into my life because he was like, all right, listen, I know this is going to be crazy, but why don't I sell my house that I had with my ex wife and you sell yours.
And we started entirely new beginning together and we get a nice house. It's big enough for, and now it would be for kids because he had two of his own. And. We did it and I took care of the leap of faith. We just, we just did it and we bought a beautiful house together and we recently just bought another piece of land behind it that has a pole barn on it.
And the kids have tons of yard to run around in. And if you had told me[00:06:00] after he passed in that, in December of 2021, that I would have a chance loving my life again, I would have thought that you were crazy.
Emily Jones: Yeah. So how in the world did you, as a mother of young children, balance raising the kids and your own, you know, struggling with probably whether or not your late fiance was going to make it and all of the surgeries and the things that you had to go through, how, how did you manage to handle all of that?
Toni Donahue: It was just kind of I continued to remind myself to breathe. I made sure I got access for my girls and for myself to get counseling pretty regularly because I thought it was important for them to learn how to navigate their feelings. I was always 100 percent transparent with them on what was happening, which my late fiance disagreed with, but I thought if they knew [00:07:00] exactly what was happening, it's not like you could prepare yourself, but at least, you know, you're not left in the dark and then there's not room for resentment afterwards.
Emily Jones: Yeah, that's, that's true. I think it really helps to be open and honest with our kids and grief and in what's happening and in the best way we can, the way they can understand, you know, a three year old is going to understand differently than a five year old or a nine year old. And, so that can be tough at times, but I totally agree with you that, yeah.
Being transparent and having those conversations can be really helpful. Um, Yeah. Do you feel like you had good support? Like in helping with the kids or in helping with things at home while you were going through that or?
Toni Donahue: Well, see, so my job kind of became an advantage at that point because I'm self employed.
So I could make my own schedule and move things around. How do you have doctor's appointments? Had I have to be to school for something depending on what it was. So I was very [00:08:00] fortunate in that. You know, I could handle it, most of we got a lot of support from family and friends.
I mean, I was very fortunate.
Emily Jones: Wow. That's wonderful. Yeah. What would you tell, let's say, someone has a friend who's going through that situation that you went through and they want to help? What would be some of the top ways that they could help somebody that's going through that?
Toni Donahue: I would say, educate yourself as much as possible on what somebody's fighting so that you know how to be an advocate for them.
My, my late fiance just wanted longer to live. He, he didn't want to, he didn't want to pass away. He was in complete denial and I knew where it was going, but still worked very hard to support him and give him as many options as possible. So he could feel like he fought his hardest for the person that's watching it all happen.
You just have to have people to talk to. You have to have support. You have to do [00:09:00] things for you and you got to try to separate yourself from it sometimes because it gets very heavy, especially for consecutive years of watching somebody completely break down.
Emily Jones: Yeah, that has to be very just all consuming where that really just becomes your life.
I would imagine.
Toni Donahue: Yeah. Yeah. It's like daunting. It's hanging over you like, you know, what's going to happen, but you just can't do anything but love and support and try to help as much as you can.
Emily Jones: Are there any suggestions you would have for anyone, you know, while their spouse is still here, even though they're struggling or maybe they're in denial or.
Maybe they're struggling to communicate. Is there anything that you would say was really helpful or that, you know, you looking back, maybe you wish you would have done, but didn't
Toni Donahue: well, My late fiancé was very much all about his job. He was very dedicated, so he worked all the time. And [00:10:00] I would be very hard on him because he worked all the time instead of having, you know, more time for family.
I think he felt like the only thing he could do was go to work and that was how he contributed to his family. But he'd make comments like if he was home, he, we just reminded him that he was sick. So I think I would, if somebody is sick, I would say, just try to keep it as normal as possible for them, you know, try to don't make them feel bad for what they feel comfortable doing.
Emily Jones: Yeah, that's a really good point. I haven't ever, I guess, thought about it that way that that would be really hard that you would just want, although I went through that in grief, right? You want like a sense of normalcy of something that doesn't feel like this other thing is happening and going on.
So then, um, when you lost him, then what was life like over that next, you know, month or two as you're [00:11:00] trying to adapt to something that you were
Um, you may not have expected it to happen that day or, you know, during that, that incident, but was, did you struggle at all with, with grasping the reality of, okay, now it's actually happened and, and now this is finally over this piece of it.
Toni Donahue: Yeah, I mean, it's probably going to sound horrible, but like after watching it for so long and then it finally happens there.
There was that feeling of relief. However, I didn't, I wasn't equipped to deal with the like, the anticipatory grief was bad. But the actual grief after the event finally concluded was like debilitating, like I just wanted to stay in bed, but I had to get up and do minimal things because I had to get the girls up and I had to make sure they were okay.
And I had to take care of that. And I just, I couldn't fathom how I was going to [00:12:00] do all the things that I had to do by myself.
Emily Jones: Yeah. Yeah. So if I had to imagine it would be that the relief of, okay, this person finally is no longer suffering is also mixed with increased sadness because they are gone now and you don't have the opportunity to talk with them, that must be exhausting and overwhelming and, um, maybe even unexpected, just the amount of emotion that you were feeling.
Toni Donahue: Yeah. I just, I wanted to sleep. I just, I just, the between worrying about trying to figure out what I was going to do about the estate and trying to keep it together for my kids. And then I was like, one day I was just like, you know, Just the loneliness is crippling, especially at night.
It was worse at night.
Emily Jones: Yeah, I, I felt that way too. And I, I do hear a lot of people say that at night because usually that's the time you would be in bed with your spouse or you're kind of wrapping up your day, [00:13:00] you know, is at that time. I am. Would imagine to that having those additional legal challenges and being able to make decisions and being able to close out things on the estate was difficult if you weren't legally married and trying to navigate all that may have even caused you to have extended grief or to,
Be additionally frustrated through that process. Do you have any suggestions for how to best navigate that?
Toni Donahue: Well, For me, I was thankful for my father in law and, his wife because they, they got me a lawyer, they brought him over to the house, they instructed me exactly what I had to do, and basically walk me through the process, you know, like people were trying to, to try to help alleviate some of it.
Like they saw it. And that support still to this day, like, I don't, [00:14:00] I couldn't have done it without them. Well, that's awesome.
Emily Jones: And it's really glad. It sounds like they were really supportive of you and wanted to help you through the process. I know a lot of people have kind of an opposite experience. Um, so that can be challenging, but it sounds like they were really trying to make an effort there with you and the family.
Toni Donahue: Yeah. Well, he, he worked with his parents, so they saw it every day for four years too. You know, it wasn't something that they didn't watch also.
Emily Jones: That's true. So at what point after this horrible loss, did you ever feel a glimmer of hope that, you know, this wasn't going to be your life forever? You weren't going to live in sadness and despair.
What, what was that like for you?
Toni Donahue: Well, I remember there was one conversation I had with my late fiance in the kitchen and it was probably, it was a couple months before he passed and he was just watching TV and he's laying on the couch and out of nowhere, I'm like making dinner and out [00:15:00] of nowhere he goes, I need you to promise me you're going to move on.
And I was like, what? Why would you say that? He's like, just promise me, please. I don't want to talk about this, but I need you to promise to move on. And I'm like, okay, I promise and I remember getting into like two months, three months post loss and thinking to myself, I can't do this forever. Like I have to, I have to pick up the pieces.
I have to live my life like he's not living his life and he would want to be living and I need to be living. I can't just let this consume me every day. It's exhausting. So I remember being absolutely terrified, you know, I started getting up, I started doing more things. I started taking myself out and doing more things for me.
And I joined a couple dating websites, and started trying just, just talking to a few people, seeing how it went, boy, it can be a mess out there. Yes, it can. [00:16:00] There's some pretty crazy experiences out there. Um, and you know, I haven't, we were together for 14 years. I had no idea how to navigate this.
So, you know, there were a couple of people I went on dates with and realized, eh, you know, whatever. And then I think it was five months after he passed. I met my current husband.
Emily Jones: So how, how did you meet your current husband? Tell us about that.
Toni Donahue: Facebook dating.
Emily Jones: Facebook dating. Oh, I love it.
Toni Donahue: You know how Facebook dating is they literally the second you choose your status you change it from like married or Engaged to widowed they like all of a sudden Facebook dating shows up on there.
It's so messed up. It's like wow. Thanks Thanks, Facebook
Emily Jones: Then were you like, well, I'm just gonna have a little peek. Let's just see. Let's just see what what the options are out there
Toni Donahue: Yeah, and I dated one guy that definitely [00:17:00] wasn't for me. I went on a date with another guy that definitely wasn't for me.
And then I, you know, I, I kept deleting the Facebook dating and then opening the Facebook dating and going back and forth because I wasn't sure if I really wanted to entertain the craziness that's out there. And I went back on one night and I got. Matched with somebody and it said he was friends with my neighbor.
So I, of course, called my neighbor and had to ask for references and yes, and she was like, Oh my God, why didn't I think of this? She goes, you guys are like the same human.
And so we went out on a date and it was, it just felt right.
Emily Jones: I love that. So was there a point where you felt like, okay, I'm ready to date. I'm ready to meet somebody. Or like you said, were you having to kind of waffle between, Oh, I think I'm ready. I don't think I'm ready. What, [00:18:00] how, how are you feeling when you were trying to make those decisions or you were dipping your toes onto these dating websites?
Toni Donahue: I was petrified because I've been out of game for so long. , but, you know, I figured, what's the harm in just going out to dinner with somebody? I mean, if it doesn't, if we don't work out, it doesn't work out. Like, it at least gives me something to look forward to, something to be terrified about other than anything else, and something to be excited for.
You know, like, it was just Just wanted to try it out. I was pretty open minded to it.
Emily Jones: That's great. So what's your current husband's name? Mark. Mark. So as you were first interacting with Mark and, um, chatting, chatting it up with him on Facebook dating, um, was it awkward at all? Or did you have any struggles with telling him, you know, you're a widow?
Was he open to that? Um, how, how was that [00:19:00] conversation?
Toni Donahue: Well, as with, I feel like anybody who has not been through what we've been through, it is a struggle to try to explain to them the, the verbiage of what you use. Like he like first referred to my late fiance as my ex. And I go, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
That's not how that goes. You know, and at one point I think he felt. A little jealous or uncomfortable because he'd asked me questions and I'd answer him and I go, you know, I just laid it out real quick. I was just like, listen, you're not competing with somebody who's gone justice. I have love for him. I have just as much love to give for somebody else.
It's not a competition, never going away. The grief will come in waves. I will have bad days on anniversaries and every important day that was important for us. And you just have to give me some grace for that. That doesn't mean I would love you any less. It just [00:20:00] means it's different. It's not divorce.
He's divorced, you know, and it's a totally different situation. So eventually, you know, he understood. So now we have a wall full of pictures in our upstairs living room that have pictures of. My girls and my late fiance and I and pictures of him with his kids and pictures of our kids together and pictures of everything.
So it's incorporated everywhere in our home. We hung pictures up of them when we got married.
Emily Jones: So, um. I know people will want to know things like, did you say on your dating profile that you were a widow? Did you wait until you started talking to someone to let them know that, you know, that was your situation? Or did you see an advantage or a disadvantage either way?
Toni Donahue: I would never list it on my profile because I felt like I got way too many weird, sketchy messages of people looking for money or looking for this or that.
Like they think [00:21:00] that, because somebody passed away that you like got this giant inheritance, I would mention it when people ask, cause I feel like the number one question is, so why are you here? Like, what are you looking? Why did your last relationship end? Well, I'm a widow, you know. I try to wait until, you know, you go out on a date to tell them because I feel like it's, more to unpack there.
But everybody, that's like the first question they ask.
Emily Jones: Right. Yeah, yeah, I totally agree. I also had it on my profile and it didn't take me long to take it off because I definitely got some Savvy, even some savvy scammers or con artists or whatever you want to call them that were, you know, trying to communicate.
So Yeah, I I agree with that. Well, um, I also Can understand, you know, maybe Mark's lack of understanding or the need for education of understanding how you [00:22:00] can love him and also your late fiancé. Um, even when I started considering dating, I was like, I don't know if I'd want to date a widower because I almost.
Even though I understand, I also could see how that would be a little daunting to feel like you're trying to measure up to someone else or that you are as important as someone else. What advice would you give for widows and they're trying to have some of these initial conversations and maybe the person they're dating is just struggling to understand it or Maybe they don't vocalize it, but they demonstrate some insecurities.
Is there anything that, you know, they could do to kind of ease that, ease those concerns?
Toni Donahue: Yeah. I mean, you have to reassure them. You have to be very honest and open and explain it clearly because until it's explained, like similarly, like I explained it, they don't see it like that. They see it. Am I [00:23:00] ever going to be good enough?
Are you ever going to love me as much as you loved him? And that's not it at all. It's just, whenever you lose someone, you grieve them. And when you lose a life partner, you grieve them and it's a forever thing. It's not a just, Oh, for the next year. So I'll grieve you and then I'll be done with it. I mean, it's not as bad now as it used to be, but it comes in waves.
Emily Jones: Yeah, it, it definitely does. And, um, I think that's a great point about, uh, not recommending, reminding people and reassuring them that. You know, it is very different and it's not necessarily, uh, a comparison or I love one person more than the other. I always think about it like, when you have a child, you love that child so much, you don't know how you could love another child as much as you love that one.
And it's really hard to understand until you have more than one, how your heart just really [00:24:00] expands and the second child doesn't take away from the first one. You love them both, but to your point, it is and can be very different because they're very different people. Right?
Toni Donahue: Yeah. So, uh, so now you and Mark are married.
Yeah, we are. We got guests.
Emily Jones: Awesome. Well, congratulations. That's super exciting. And how, how has it been, as you all started like blending. Families and coming together. Um, how has that, has that process been?
Toni Donahue: Well, it has its challenges at times. I mean, between the two of us, we now have a nine, 10, 11 and 12 year old.
So they're right in a row, three girls, one boy. And you know, there's conflict naturally, but we, I think we've navigated it as, as well as we possibly can. So far, I think the first year was a little bit, Challenging, incorporating everybody's lifestyles and everybody's, you know, different [00:25:00] quirks and stuff like that, but we're, we're getting there.
Emily Jones: Was there anything in particular that you felt like was really helpful in people just, I feel like it's challenging to live with anybody you've not lived with before, regardless of how you're related to them. So any suggestions on, you know, trying to create a new day to day life, bringing people together.
Toni Donahue: Pick your battles. I feel like when you go through grief and you lose people, it makes it so that like, not everything is the end of the world. Like it might've been before loss. Like you appreciate the time and space and the ability to be with the people that you love a lot more.
Emily Jones: Yeah, very wise words.
I completely agree. It's like the lens that I look through is so different and a lot of that petty, just superficial stuff just kind of fades into the background. I don't focus on [00:26:00] it. As much as I did before. Um, so that's great advice. Well, Tony, thank you so much for coming on the show and, and being willing to share your story and advice that you have for other young widows that are out there.
I really appreciate it.
Toni Donahue: Thank you so much for having me.
Emily Jones: Hey guys. Thank you so much for listening to the Brave Widow Podcast. I would love to help you take your next step, whether that's healing your heart, finding hope, or achieving your dreams for the future.
Do you need a safe space to connect with other like-minded widows? Do you wish you had how-tos for getting through the next steps in your journey, organizing your life or moving through grief? What about live calls where you get answers to your burning questions? The Brave Widow Membership Community is just what you need.
Inside you'll find courses to help guide you, a community of other widows to connect with, live coaching and q and a calls, and small group coaching where you can work on what matters [00:27:00] most to you. Learn how to heal your heart, find hope, reclaim joy, and dream again for the future. It is possible. Head on over to brave widow.com to learn more.
