BONUS: I Lost My Husband. Here’s How I Learned to Live Again (Bonus x Grief Observed Podcast)
Aug 28, 2025[TRANSCRIPT BELOW]
Bonus Episode — My Story on the Grief Observed Podcast (with Brad Morrell) In this bonus crossover, I share the raw story of losing my husband in 2021, parenting four teens through that storm, the day everything cracked open on a garden bench, and the simple, brave decision that started my life again. We talk identity after loss, faith when answers don’t come, why “moving forward” beats “moving on,” and how Brave Widow began. You’ll hear: The ICU goodbye and the identity freefall after loss The bench moment: choosing to live when grief felt endless Practical grief help vs. platitudes (what actually helps) Faith, guilt, and finding peace without tidy answers Rebuilding: community, confidence, and remarriage after widowhood Why I named it Brave Widow (not Fearless Widow) Connect with Brad: * Podcast: Grief Observed Podcast - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/grief-observed-podcast/id1714188718 * Website: griefobserved.com * Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/griefobservedpodcast/ * TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@griefobservedpodcast Emily’s episode on the Grief Observed Podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/grief-observed-podcast/id1714188718?i=1000722104513 ✨ Work with Emily: Ready to stop just surviving and start rebuilding? Book a free consult at bravewidow.com. Chapters: 0:00 Intro & why this episode 2:00 My story & who Brave Widow serves 7:00 ICU, loss, and telling our kids 12:00 Identity after grief 23:30 “Moving forward” vs “moving on” 24:30 The bench turning point 28:00 From grief recovery → rebuilding life 39:00 Remarriage & honoring both stories 54:00 What it means to be a Brave Widow Ready for more support? Book a free consult here: https://calendly.com/bravewidow/widow-consult-call Download the Brave New Widow Starter Kit: A free guide to help you navigate the first steps of widowhood. → https://bravewidow.com/start
TRANSCRIPT:
Introduction to the Bonus Episode
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Emily: [00:00:00] Hey. Hey, and welcome to a bonus episode of The Brave Widow Show
The episode right before this one, I introduce you to Brad Morrell, the founder of the Grief Observed Podcast.
He is a licensed professional counselor and mental health service provider in Tennessee, and he graciously hosted me on his podcast just a couple of weeks ago, and I wanted to share it with you. Brad asks me about my journey, what led to creating Brave Widow and what it's been like being remarried, and so I would love for you all to be able to listen into that conversation.
Brad has an amazing podcast where he shares stories of other people in grief and what their experience has been life. And so you can find [email protected] and I'll also add his social media links in the show notes. [00:01:00] Alright, I hope you enjoy.
If you're tired of feeling lost, lonely, and second guessing every decision, my coaching program is meant for you. I help clients find clarity, create real connection, and build confidence up for good. Inside the Brave Widow Coaching Program, you'll learn real tools that you'll be able to use for a lifetime.
If you're ready for the next step, go to brave widow.com to book a consult. It's free. It's no pressure, and it can be your brave next step to healing your heart and building a life you love again. Go to brave widow.com today to book your consult.
Thanks for joining me once again on another episode of the Grief Observe podcast. I'm your host, Brad Morrell, and if you would like to join me for an episode, uh, you can find me on, uh, most social media is Facebook TikTok, or just send me an email at Gmail all under the name of Grief Observe podcast, [00:02:00] and, uh, we'll get you on the show.
Meet Emily Tanner: Life Coach and Grief Specialist
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Brad: My guest today is Emily Tanner. She is a certified, uh, life coach from the accredited Faith-Based Coaching Academy, and as a grief recovery specialist from the Grief Recovery, uh, method Institute. And she is also the founder of Brave Widow Emily. Thanks for joining me.
Emily: Thank you for having me, Brad. I'm happy to be here.
Brad: Yeah. Yeah. I, I appreciate you. I've enjoyed watching some of your videos on TikTok and, uh, uh, that's how I found you and, and, um, just really enjoy watching those and, and really seeing how you're helping others. So why don't you tell the listeners a little bit about who you are?
Emily: Yeah.
Emily's Personal Journey Through Grief
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Emily: So, um, my name is Emily and I am.
2021, um, lost my husband of nearly 20 years, unexpectedly. We had four [00:03:00] teenagers at the time and that just literally changed my entire world and universe and, um, so. Since that time, I decided to learn every possible thing I could about grief and about being able to enjoy life again. And so now I run an online community and coaching for widows and widowers called Brave Widow.
Brad: That's awesome. Yeah, and I, I saw, um. A video recently where you were stating that, uh, you were encouraging widowers and, um, so the Brave Widow, it's, it's inclusive. You're, you're telling men, come on, you're, you're not alone. Right.
Emily: Yes, absolutely. And you know, I think the statistics is that, um, seven out of 10 married women become widows.
So by far, uh, that's a female dominated area, but we very [00:04:00] much experience similarities in grief and in losing a spouse. And so. If there were to be a gender neutral term, it might be the word widow. Absolutely. So as long as the guys are good with that, I'm good with it too.
Brad: Yeah. Yeah. I, I, I agree with you.
Um, a lot of people don't use the tone, uh, term widower. It's just easier just to say widowed or widow. Um, let me first, if you will, kind of. I guess start back in life and, and if you'd like, maybe talk a little bit about your husband and who he was in life, and then we'll just kind of punch forward and, and, uh, into what you're doing now into grief.
Emily: Yeah. Um, so my husband was a larger than life, um, comedian, class clown, just charismatic, um, but also polarizing personality. Um, he was probably [00:05:00] in some ways how people feel about President Trump. You either really love him or you really hate him, right? There's not a lot of like in the middle, um, when it comes to just.
How he was as a personality and um, he was just very loud. His laughter just filled the entire house and he was just this, this really big personality and, um. He was very witty and just so proud of, of me, and supportive of my career over time. And, um, we met when I was 17 and, um, ended up getting married shortly after I turned 18.
And, um, he just encouraged me as I. Went, worked up in my career in healthcare as I went to school, back to school, and got degrees as we had four, four kiddos together. He was just always like the cheerleader and the person who. Kept things going around the house and making sure that things were, um, [00:06:00] taken care of.
Mm-hmm. He was a very generous person with money, with time, with um, just wanting to help other people and, um, that was one of the things that I really loved about him. He also struggled a lot with just his own depression or mood swings, or you know how sometimes people will stereotype comedians like, oh, they're really just depressed.
Or, you know, you would never guess that that person also just struggled with. Wanting to continue in life. But he was one of those, um, types of personalities. So while there were so many wonderful things about him, life was also very challenging because things felt. Volatile at times. It felt like you never really knew what to expect from one day to the next.
And um, he was just this wonderful compilation of emotions [00:07:00] and, um, all sorts of things. So.
Brad: Hmm.
Emily: Yeah.
The Sudden Loss of a Spouse
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Brad: So you had been married 20 years when he passed, and you said it was sudden. Yeah. And raising four teenage boys, is that right?
Emily: Three boys and a girl.
Brad: All three boys and a girl. My bad. Okay. Yeah, so, but all four teenagers, right?
Emily: Yeah, so we, um, had, it was the 4th of July in 2021 and um, our anniversary was August 11th, and I had, um, ordered t-shirts, uh, where oh, Nathan and Emily Best friends married 20 years and we were gonna have a big family and friends celebration over at our house. And, um, we both ended up getting sick. With COVID mm-hmm.
When the Delta variant was coming out and the Delta variant was very respiratory, it was very sticky, it was very, like when people say they have COVID, it's nothing like [00:08:00] what we experienced. Um, with being bedridden for, um, a couple of weeks at home,
Brad: wow. It
Emily: morphed to double pneumonia and, um, caused a lot of inflammation with our heart and lungs and just.
Being able to function or keep any food down. It was really, um, a devastating time. And it got to the point where, um, of course back then you had to call the hospital and ask if you could come in and ask what you supposed to do if you come to the er and the charge nurse is like, no, we can't do anything for you.
And then the next day you just couldn't even get out of bed, couldn't keep any fluids down. So I called the ambulance because. We were like, we can't just keep waiting. Um, he ended up going to ICU and was there for 11 days. Uh, about half that time. Uh, he ended up being forced to go on a ventilator, um, which was something that haunted me for a long [00:09:00] time, was my last memory of him was.
Um, getting to talk to him over FaceTime because I wasn't allowed to go to the hospital and him waving goodbye 'cause he couldn't talk. And, um, so that, that I had to do a lot of work, uh, with that, with that memory. But, um, ultimately I was called to the hospital and there was no warmth. There was no kindness.
It was just, we think your husband is brain dead. And I remember in that moment, like my world just stopped and I tried to wrap my mind around like, wait, how did we get here? Like he was having some hard moments in ICU, but he was getting better and then it was worse, and then he was getting better. And this is supposed to be like, you know, our next steps on recovery.
And now you're saying. You think he's brain dead, but you're not really sure. I'm confu. Like I'm confused. Um, but ultimately, um, they were very quick about [00:10:00] telling me like, well, there's some tests we can run, but if there's no activity, we have the right to declare him dead. There's nothing you can do. And, you know, it basically felt like we just need to free up this room, is how it came across.
Wow. From the patient's perspective. And it was hard for me because I had, um. Worked in healthcare for 20 years and I had told my kids like, your dad's gonna be fine. Hospitals are where people go to get better. Um, I even asked some of the nurses and physicians I worked with about the protocol and like, you know, do we need a second opinion?
What else should I be doing? And everything seemed like we were on the right path towards his healing. And so. My kiddos were between 10 and 19 at the time, and it was just really difficult to figure out how I was going to tell them that, you know, their, that their dad had died. And so three weeks later, [00:11:00] um, I did wear the t-shirt and we did have family and friends over, but it ended up being for like a celebration of his life instead of our 20th.
Brad: Wow. Wow. That had to be difficult.
Emily: Yeah.
Coping with Grief and Finding New Purpose
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Emily: Yeah, it was. And I think, you know, we had talked about, oh, if you die before me, you know, here's, you know, kind of how we see life being. But what I never expected with grief was how much it would change me, how much it would change my identity, and how I would feel so lost and untethered.
I used to know who I was and what I wanted in life and what my goals were. And then it was like overnight all of that was gone.
Brad: I love speaking about identity. It's one of the best things I think we can talk about. Um, but it's interesting that you, I'll say, thought you knew [00:12:00] who you were, or at least that was who you were for the time, and now your identity has changed and morphed into something different.
Tell me about that.
Emily: Yeah, so for the longest time I didn't know if I would ever be able to laugh and like actually feel it or to feel. Life. Um, in general, I feel alive again, and I felt, what I often describe to people was I just felt like I was no longer naive to how fragile life is and how now I just saw the world through a completely different lens and things that like superficial things about.
How I wanted the house decorated or you know, like, oh no, I want this and you want that. And, you know, things I used to get so worked up about, I didn't [00:13:00] care about anymore. Um, because to me I've realized that in the end, none of that really matters. Um, and, and during that time I just felt like a, I was a tiny boat in the middle of the ocean and it was scary to me because I didn't even know which way to turn the boat.
I'm like. What direction am I supposed to go in? What am I supposed to do? And the dreams of things that I had wanted. Well, I don't wanna do those now. Like, I don't wanna do that on my own. That doesn't sound very enticing or, or fun or exciting. And, and what would it even matter? 'cause he wouldn't be here to experience that with me.
So what, what would even be the point of, of trying for that? And so for a long time I just really felt. Lost and like the world had this audacity to keep going and I was shattered just here in place. [00:14:00] Just trying to figure out what was left for me. Now.
Brad: One of the things that I speak of often is awakenings in life.
And if there's any children listening, close your ears. Uh, one of those first awakenings is Santa Claus isn't real. And it's like, oh my gosh, what are you, what are you talking about? I remember, I think I was in third grade when I found out that Santa wasn't the one bringing my presence. And I'm certain there are many other awakenings that I've had throughout life.
But, um, when you think about death, it is one of the strongest awakenings that a person can have that, uh, life is fragile, that we can't go back and recover certain things in life. Tell me more about how this, I guess, woke you up about life.
Emily: Yeah, it, [00:15:00] it just blew my mind, like how you can know so clearly what your life looks like and what your future is, and then overnight, uh.
It just, your reality is shattered, like the rug is pulled out from under you and then you start to think about things like, I remember, um, I used to get so frustrated because Nathan would leave his stuff everywhere. It was just like a trail of chaos throughout the house, and he had this like hideous, ugly orange Metamucil bottle.
On the kitchen sink, like in the middle of everything in my way. And I was like, who keeps that out? That's just ridiculous. And I would always, you know, fuss about like, let's pick up, let's clean up. And so I remember it was a day or two after he had died. I thought, you know what? At least now I can get rid of this.
Stupid Metamucil bottle. Mm-hmm. And so I picked it up and chunked it in the trash. And then I remember walking [00:16:00] by the next, like later that day, and feeling sad because the things that used to annoy me or the things that used to drive me crazy were all signs that he was there.
Brad: Mm-hmm.
Emily: It was all part of who he was.
And so. Now as I think about like how has that changed me? Like I don't get offended at little things about what people do or how they act or how they live. I tolerate things a lot more. I don't get as irritated with people because I look at that as. Oh, that's just a sign that that person's still in my life, you know?
Um, when my kids leave stuff around the house, you know, I might get onto 'em and tell 'em to put it up, but it doesn't bother me like it used to because I always think, well, if they weren't here, that's [00:17:00] something that you would actually miss. So you can either spend time being annoyed about it, or you can be grateful that they're still in some way part of your life.
Brad: We've always been told don't sweat the small stuff. And I think that's a really great story of why we shouldn't, you know, because those things may be missed whenever they're not there.
Emily: I'm gonna
Brad: go tell my wife this. So for whatever irritates her right now, I'm gonna say, be thankful for the irritation.
It may not be here one day.
Emily: Exactly. And I actually, um, earlier this year for, for like Mother's Day in May, they had a, um. Women's tea at church. And so they had like all the tables set up and the full tea set. And you know, people don't look at me and expect that I'm a widow just because of my age. But I was sitting next to these two ladies, and the one lady was, she was older, probably in her sixties or seventies, and [00:18:00] she's just complaining about her husband on and on and on.
And he doesn't do this and he doesn't do that. And she would. Never get remarried if anything happened to him and she doesn't see how people can do that. And of course, the whole time, I'm not saying anything, but it's just creeping up my spine, like just the. The ignorance that she speaks with because she hasn't gone through that.
And finally, I just looked at her and I said all these things, just so you know, all these things that irritate you and you're complaining about. You might actually be surprised that one day, those are the things that you actually are gonna miss because those are the things that remind you that your person is still there and when they're not there, you would take that back and a hundred times more just to be able to talk to them again.
Brad: Yeah,
Emily: and of course she didn't immediately say anything, but I just think if people could know that could experience [00:19:00] that, that we would live life just. I, I feel like I live on a different frequency than I did before.
Brad: Hmm. That's one of my words that I've been kicking around lately is frequency. And, uh, you're right.
I, I, I think, again, those awakenings kind of put people on a different plane than other people. Um, there's a lot of people in this world who are living at face value. Who see something and just immediately believe it or discount a lot of things that they shouldn't be discounting. But when you go through a grief, it, it does give you this awakening that says, oh my gosh, that, you know, uh, I spoke of it, life is fragile.
Um, you know, we start, I guess thinking about our own mortality, right? This, this is going to be me one day. What am I going to leave behind? Um, it may not just be a Metamucil bottle, right? It, it's [00:20:00] what am I going to leave behind for my kids to clean up after me? How has this changed your own thoughts about your mortality?
Emily: Hmm. I savor every moment I possibly can. I am. Probably 10 times a better mom. I have have been remarried just a year and a half now. I am a much better wife. Like I just feel that, um, it sounds a little pompous maybe, but I just feel like I'm such an elevated person and version of the person I was before that things I just really.
Savor and enjoy moments and experiences so much more than I I did before. And on one hand. It. It's a weird feeling because you have this deep gratitude of, I'm so glad I've had this awakening. I'm so glad. Like my eyes have [00:21:00] been open, like, oh, anybody could be gone at any moment, and we kind of know that, but we don't really know what that.
Means. And so I've been able to do things that I would've been terrified to do in the past or that would've held me back. And now I just, it doesn't matter. I don't care what people think about me going from being an executive to saying I'm a life and grief coach. I don't care what people think when I want to date again and, and get remarried.
Like I'm just, I don't let those things hold me back. And I also am able to. Lean more deeply into relationships because I know at the end of the day, it's the moments, it's the experiences, it's the memories. Like those are the things. That's all we have in the end.
Brad: Yeah. There's nothing like death that will make us face our own mortality and death is so indiscriminate.
Right? [00:22:00] It's, uh, rich, poor. Old, young, it doesn't matter. It, it is something that we will all experience and I think that the sooner that we start facing our own mortality, the quicker we are at learning how to live life. It's just so hard for a lot of people to recognize that unless they have gone through a death of some sort recently or a major loss.
You know, I, I think in early years of life, we always, you know, like we, we may lose a grandparent. Uh, we may hear of one of our parents' friends that they've lost, and we may attend that funeral, but. The older we get, I think the closer those losses start coming to home. And of course, um, you're [00:23:00] still a, a young woman and a, a young widow in my mind.
You know, I've, I've had younger on here, uh, even recently, I'm trying to think of how old she was, like. Early twenties, I think 24 maybe. And I'm sure that you experienced that a lot in your help with widows, uh, that you see young and old. But how do you live life knowing? Um, today may be the last and we never, never know that, you know, we're not promised tomorrow.
Um, the older I get, I think the. The more I'm okay with death, um, especially being a believer. Uh, it's, it's physical death, but it's, I truly believe that it's my last breath here and it's my first breath somewhere else, and [00:24:00] I think that is why I'm okay with. Death. I don't want to die anytime soon, but I also don't want to live forever, especially in a broken world.
What are some things that you do with Brave Widow that, uh, how are you helping people and, and kind of maybe take me from your husband's death to when did you get the idea of this is what I want to do, this is how I want to help people now.
Emily: Yeah, that's a great question.
The Turning Point: Choosing to Live Again
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Emily: So I remember there was actually a turning point where, um, it was just over a year after Nathan had died and I had a, uh, memorial garden put in our yard at the house, and I.
Found this little park bench on marketplace and, and put it out there. So I could sit out there and I was like, [00:25:00] oh, you know, it's gonna be this beautiful place and it's gonna remind me of Nathan, and like, the birds are gonna come sit on my shoulder and I'm just gonna feel at peace. Right. And instead of being something that comforted me, it tormented me.
Brad: Mm-hmm.
Emily: So I would just go out there and sit on that bench and just. Like from the pit of your stomach, that guttural cry. And I remember one afternoon specifically where I was like, leaned over. My chest hurt so bad. I thought my heart was gonna explode. And I remember sitting up and just being like, this is it.
This is how spouses die from a broken heart, like. This is just, it's, it's just more of this, and I kind of just cry until there were no more tears. And, you know, you're just sitting there with the puffy face. And, um, just thinking about my kids and, [00:26:00] and thinking about like, even though they lost their dad and I was still alive, I still felt dead on the inside.
Brad: Hmm.
Emily: And I still felt hollow and just, I couldn't even go to their school events without crying because their dad should be there and why isn't he here? And how is this fair? And so, but I remember sitting there thinking, even though they only technically lost one parent, it's almost like they've lost two because I didn't feel alive anymore either.
And. So I, it was there. I really decided like, I'm so, I'm so tired of like, of living like this. I can't do this anymore. I don't wanna do this anymore. Either it's gonna be one extreme or the other. Either God just take me like just right end it. Or I'm gonna figure out like, how do people get to the point where [00:27:00] they can enjoy life again and.
You know people in Facebook groups, you have the groups that are like, it never gets better. It's horrible for the rest of your life. And then the people that are like, give it time, it gets better. But nobody would tell you how. Nobody would tell you like, what do I do to get there? I had done counseling, I had read a bunch of books, I had bought courses, I had done all this stuff and it just wasn't helping me.
It helped me. With the grief, but it wasn't helping me move forward, and so I remember. On this bench, thinking about my kids and just I, I have a stubborn personality, so I was just like, I'm gonna figure out if there is a way, if there is a way that you can go from this to loving your life again, I am going to figure it out, whatever it takes.
Brad: Mm-hmm.
Emily: And so I remember I closed my eyes and I literally said the words out loud. Like, [00:28:00] Nathan, I love you and I miss you. I can't live like this anymore. I have to figure out how to move forward. Wow.
Building Brave Widow: A New Mission
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Emily: And so I really just went on this like quest of figuring out like, um, I went through Grief Recovery Institute.
They have an evidence-based program, which is amazing, but I just felt like. At the end of the program and a lot of grief recovery programs, we just were like, okay, you've graduated the program. You could do it again if you want. But that's kind of it. And especially when your loss changes. Your daily life, it changes your identity, right?
You're a mom and you lose your, your child. Are you still a mom? Are you not a mom? You know you're a widow. Are you married? Are you not married? Like a loss where it changes you at the core [00:29:00] that now you have to decide if you're gonna rebuild a new life because you can't go back to the life that you had.
And so. For me, the grief recovery was amazing and it, it did in many ways change my life. And also I was so lost with what do I do next? Like, how do I continue to build up a life and, and is it even possible? And so I ended up, um, meeting a psychologist who, uh, was starting a life coaching program and it was faith-based, which was kind of a new concept to me to incorporate.
Psychology and counseling and coaching and spirituality altogether that was a little different. And she also, um, had lost her daughter at a young age. Um. When they were having a pool party at their house and they were all in the pool and her three-year-old daughter drowned right next to her. Mm-hmm. And no one noticed.
And it was [00:30:00] just this heartbreaking story of how do, how do you recover from that? And how is this lady now just radiating joy and radiating love for people and wanting to help people and, and teaching them life coaching? I was like, I don't know what she's selling, but I gotta. Participate. And that program helped me with combining what we do with emotional healing and grief recovery.
And then taking that next step to say, we gotta rebuild a social circle. We have to rebuild our confidence, we have to rebuild, you know, what we want, our goals and what we want life to look like.
The Beginnings of Brave Widow
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Emily: And so in the beginning with Brave Widow, it really started with, um, people coming to me asking. Well, how do I help someone who's widowed?
Um, I had two employees that lost their spouses just a few months after Nathan had died. And so I put together these crude checklists like, okay, if you really wanna help [00:31:00] someone, you could get 'em a DoorDash gift card. You could mow their lawn, you could clean their house. Like a little a checklist I would send out to everyone.
And I would send out a list of like, here's what not to say and here's what you could say instead. And it just was like. You know, thrown together in 10 minutes when someone would call and ask me and I'm like, oh, okay, lemme write this up real quick. And it started there, and then it morphed into a podcast where I interviewed lots of other widows about their journey and what helped them.
And then ultimately learned how to be able to help other people through grief and then into. Grief recovery is our foundation, and then focusing on rebuilding life in, in all aspects. And so it's really morphed into group coaching or one-on-one coaching, and really this community of people who are on this journey together.
Launching the Podcast
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Brad: So let's talk about your podcast a little bit. Tell me more about that. Like are you pretty deep [00:32:00] into that, or is it something that you've just been doing for a little while? Tell me more about your podcast.
Emily: Yeah, the podcast is almost three years old now and um, we just recorded, I think episode 1 65, um, or so.
So we've got quite a few of those under our belt. And it really started with just me telling my story and then I would have other people come on, share their story, and then always share like. A piece of advice or what they would want other widows to hear. And I think it was just powerful for people, like on your show, they get to hear other stories and think if it's possible for that person, then maybe it's possible for me too.
Um, and then over time we kind of do a combination of just sharing things that I've learned about. You know, whether it's thought work or whether it's, um, how to pick a plumber from your house or, [00:33:00] um, whether it's how to rebuild confidence and travel as a solo person. Um, it's really just a wide range of topics now that with the intent of giving hope to the people early in grief.
That it won't be like that forever. And then also, how do people, like what is the roadmap of building a life that I can enjoy again? And just trying to share that as much as we can.
Brad: Yeah, that's great.
Practical Grief Support
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Brad: And you know, whenever I do grief seminars at churches or, or wherever, um, I, I think that the practical side is something that.
We need to really, uh, hone in on, you know, I, I went to one church and they said, you know, are, are you gonna have a lot of God in this? And it's like, well, the answer is yes. Um, I, I always try to bring that aspect as a believer into what I do, but I think what these people need right [00:34:00] now is a lot of the practical side.
Like, how do I start dealing with finances on my own? How do I deal with getting four kids to school or whatever? Um, people need practical things. And then of course there is the faith side.
Faith and Grief
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Brad: Um, and maybe this is a, a good segue for us too, to, to go into your faith if you're okay with that. But I know a lot of people either.
Get stronger in faith or fall away from faith. How did Nathan's death affect you?
Emily: Yeah, um, so I remember, um. When I was called to the hospital and they said, we think your husband's brain dead. We're gonna run these tests. They sent us home. So I went back home and then I remember when I was driving back to the hospital, they were gonna give us the news of the results.
And I just remember [00:35:00] praying all the way back to the hospital and just thinking like, oh. He might have had a stroke, he might not be able to take care of himself. He might, this might drag out for months or years and, and they can't bring him out of the medically induced coma. And, and he would hate that.
And so I remember praying on the way back to the hospital and just being like, you know, God, if there's no good outcome here, like if he's gonna be miserable or if he's not gonna make it. Like, I was already emotionally exhausted from being sick for, you know, two or three weeks already being bed that long.
That was so out of, out of anything that I knew. Um, I was just tired of the sickness and the death and just all of that. I said I just, I've just, just end it. Just let it be over. Like, I don't want this to continue. And so, um, I remember, you know, we really didn't even get the news. It was just like, if you wanna say [00:36:00] goodbye, suit up and get in there and say goodbye.
Um, so we really weren't even told until well after what had happened. But on the way home I was playing that song over and over praise you in the storm. And the thought that I had in my mind is just like, you are not alone. And I'm like, yeah, but the, I don't, how, how do I tell my kids, how do I do this?
How do I do that? And it's just like, you are not alone. So I really had to sink into that and I had to sink into God's sovereignty because there is a lot of guilt and grief of, well, what if I had ignored the charge nurse and I had called for the ambulance a day earlier? Or what if I'd gotten back on the phone with his primary care doctor and said, this isn't enough, like this isn't working.
What if I had gotten a second opinion like, you can, what if yourself? To the end of time. Right. And I finally, the only way that I could find sanity and peace was just believing that, [00:37:00] do I believe that God's bigger than a phone call?
Brad: Hmm?
Emily: Do I believe that he's bigger than one decision I made or didn't make?
Yes, I do believe that. So ultimately, do I believe if God still wanted Nathan here, that he would still be here and that. Really anchored for me, a place of not even really peace, because I didn't like the situation. I didn't like that opens another can of worms, right? Like, well God, why didn't you want him here?
You know, why didn't you want this? Why didn't you save him? But you save other people, like you kind of wrestle back and forth with. Okay. But I know that God is with me and I know that he works all things together for my good, but I also know we live in a broken world and bad things happen and you know, I don't believe that bad things have to happen so that other good things can happen, but I see it more as a redemptive quality of [00:38:00] God in that bad things can happen, but out of that can be born something.
Good. And something like beauty from ashes, if you will. Yes. And so for me, I did wrestle with God for quite a while and just was very honest. Like, I don't like this. I don't understand this. I wouldn't have chosen this. I hate it. I, I don't like my feeling separated from you. I don't feel like, I just feel weird about our relationship now, but I just kept coming back to him over and over and just saying like, I need you to help me through this because I can't.
I can't do it on my own. And ultimately he did. And so for me, it has made me stronger in my faith, but I try to be open that it's not like I magically had some peace like, oh God, you're perfect and amazing and I praise you in all things. Like there is that season of sorrow and, and wrestling through that.
Brad: Mm-hmm. [00:39:00]
Meeting the New Husband
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Brad: As you're speaking here, and I see, um, I see your strong faith and I know that you put that into your work and, and how you're helping others now, but I look at, um, someone that's, that's been quiet throughout this podcast and that's your new husband. And I've always wondered, um, because I've had other widows on who work in death care and have a spouse that.
Watches them knowing that they're where they're at because of the death of another, and also that you are with him because the death of another. Right. And not to, uh, you don't have to open this up if you don't want, but I am curious, how is it for your husband now? How does he support you, uh, in, in your efforts to help others?
Emily: He is exactly what I prayed [00:40:00] for, which was someone better than I ever could have imagined. And I think it takes, um, because people do ask, right? Like, oh, well I can't date someone who's insecure. I can't. There's gonna be these comparisons and all of these things and you know, I have to date a widower because he'll be the only one who understands.
And what I just tell people is. You want someone who wants to understand you, who wants to understand your journey. Who wants to understand what your relationship was like, and you know, what did you like about it? What did you not like about it? Um, and who's there to be supportive to you? And as long as you have someone who's curious, who wants to understand who, um, is invested in you as a person, they don't have to have had the same experiences that you do.
And. I remember early on, um, one of the questions that Robert asked me was, well, if you [00:41:00] get married again, are you gonna, you're not gonna stop doing this, right? Like, you're gonna keep doing it because you are helping people. And I was like, oh yeah, of course. And he would joke and say, oh, I'm married. I'm, I'm dating someone famous.
She's on YouTube. You know, like, oh, she's just, oh, she's famous. She's helping people. And this man. He tells everyone about what I do and, and refers people to me and even. Last October I went to, um, I spoke at the National Funeral Directors Association. They had their international, um, convention in New Orleans.
And this man takes a week work of, um, week's vacation off of work to take me down there to go with me to the presentation to introduce himself to people to help promote what we're doing with Brave Widow. And it's just really. Been an amazing experience. And I'm sure that there are times where he has had that realization of, you know, if Nathan hadn't died [00:42:00] then you know, we wouldn't be married and together.
But I've also been intentional about not making him feel like the third wheel. Sure. And sometimes as widows, you know, we create shrines and we create like, well this is still me and my husband's relationship, but you can tag along if you want. And so I think there has to be. Some sort of balance in a decision that what I teach people to do is expand their capacity to say, I love the life I had.
I love my person that I was with and I love my life. Now, it doesn't have to be one or the other. One doesn't take away from the other. I can love both. I can be invested and present in both, and I don't have to feel like one or the other. Is, is betraying to the other.
Brad: Yeah, that's great. And, uh, you know, it, it speaks to something I spoke on the, the last episode, which is versions of ourselves.
And, you know, a lot of times [00:43:00] we think about the next version kind of fixes the previous version of whatever the problem was, whether we're talking, you know, versions of our iPhones or our computers, like that. Next thing does the bug fixes, so to speak, but. I think that's not always the case. Like you're stating that, um, it's okay to have had a life prior to your new spouse and now this is your life and neither life has to trump one or the other.
It's, it's two parts of you and it was for two different time periods and you can honor and love both for what they are. So I think that's, that's a great way of, of putting it.
Emily: Yeah. Yeah. It can be a little, um, I think disorienting to people or they feel like I have to, by moving forward, I'm leaving my person behind.
But one thing someone shared with me, and I [00:44:00] can't remember who it was, but they said, you know, a lot of times people don't wanna move forward 'cause they feel like they're leaving their person behind. But if you're a person of faith and you believe you're gonna see your person in heaven again. Yeah. Every day that you move forward, every day that advances is a day that you're actually moving closer to seeing your person again.
Brad: Yeah.
Emily: And I thought that's a really beautiful way to, to think about that.
Brad: It is, it is.
Social Media and Outreach
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Brad: I've gotta ask Emily, like what, uh, I, I know the drivers for Brave Widow, um, but what made you decide to get in and have kind of this, uh, social media presence?
Emily: Yeah, I, um, well, I have. Studied online business and marketing for many years.
I actually thought I would eventually start a business on leadership coaching, so I never expected it to be about grief, but it's just something I've always been interested in. So I [00:45:00] started on social media because. That's quote unquote what you're supposed to do. And, um, one of my coaches just said, you know, marketing and your business should be fun and it should be something that you, um, enjoy doing it.
So find a way that's fun. And, um, I'd avoided TikTok for a while for a lot of reasons, but, um, I thought, you know, okay, TikTok is a different environment because it's a little more down to earth. It's not. Polish like LinkedIn, it's not always highlight reels like what you see on Instagram, like it's people with their dirty laundry behind them.
You know, it's just honest conversations and it's not really people trying to impress anyone. And so, um, I just started posting some videos on there and doing more live events and what I've. Enjoyed about that so much is just getting to have real time conversations with people and just helping them, even with [00:46:00] deciding like, okay, what is your one next step that you could do?
You feel stuck. You feel lost. You feel like you're struggling with this without you having to go hire a coach or a therapist or get in a big program. You know, just hop on this live with me and let's talk about where you are and let's talk about like what is one next thing that you could focus on and go focus on that.
And just really getting to like, hang out with other people who are nerding out about the same topics or who are struggling or who have questions. It's just such a, like, rewarding environment to be in.
Brad: Yeah. I, I'm with you on the TikTok thing. I, I've just recently got on there and, and, um, at least posting my own videos and, uh, it's, it's really interesting when you start looking at.
Um, the retention of, of the retention rate of a video. I don't know if you've looked at that yet or not. I'm like, well, that's depressing. What do you [00:47:00] mean? People are watching the first two seconds of my video, but then I was like, scrolling through last night and it's like, Nope, don't like that. Nope, nope, nope.
If your video has been viewed several times, you know, of course the retention rate's gonna be. Pretty low because people are scrolling. Right? But when the person that needs it lands on it and watches the video and takes in the information, um, that's who it's for. And when I got into counseling, I said, if I help one person, it was enough.
I still state that. And the people that need this video, this, uh, audio, they're gonna find it, you know? As far as the, the podcast, uh, downloads and listens, it's like, it's where it needs to be. These extra things for me, um, is just kind of driving back to the audio [00:48:00] and, uh. But I am having more fun as I go along with this.
Like you stated, I, I've enjoyed TikTok. I, I don't do a lot on Facebook. Um, it, it automatically sends over to Facebook as far as when a podcast is done. Um, I'm not on Instagram. I haven't ventured out to the YouTube thing because I've never posted a full video yet. I may branch out, I don't know, but I, Brian,
Emily: you gotta do YouTube.
You have to. Yes. Yeah. Yes. All
Brad: right.
Emily: Convinced me so, yeah. Okay. Okay. So. I actually used to do a lot on Instagram, but I would notice that people that come to me, the number one place they say they find me is YouTube. Mm-hmm. And I think because they're Googling different things and Google is pretty well tied to YouTube.
Brad: Yeah. That
Emily: I will have people that will say that they listen to, they will watch the video, or they'll actually put it on and listen at night for [00:49:00] hours. They'll do that for months. I just had a client that's like, I've been listening to you for a year and a half, and I decided it's time to actually do something.
And I was shocked because my demographic is typically not well known for being on YouTube, um, as a place like it might be Facebook or it might be, you know, a typical podcast. But the number one, until I got on TikTok. YouTube was probably the place where 80% of people who weren't directly referred were finding me.
So yes, give it a try.
Brad: Wow. Okay. Yeah. Um, maybe we will talk, uh, um, off camera, off audio for that one, and maybe you can convince me further. I, I'm, I'm pretty, uh, I'm listening. Um, and I, I think it's more about people being able to find the resources more so than it is. Putting myself more out there. I, um, you know, if, if this isn't your audio, if this isn't your video, [00:50:00] go to something that is right.
I, I tell my clients that, that I may not be your guy. You know, it, we, we'll talk a session and, um, I always offer like any questions, any comments, you know, any thoughts about, do you think we. Can keep going with this. And, and a lot of people, uh, especially first time of counseling, they're not going to give you the whole kit and caboodle right off the bat, right?
It's, can I build rapport? Can I trust this person? Um, do they say trustworthy things? So I think that's, um. Part of YouTube and, and all social media is finding the person that we connect with, finding the things that we need to hear, not always the things that, um, are gonna make us feel good. But sometimes we need the challenging things as well, you know, and that's why I [00:51:00] always state, I, I love therapists, I love groups, I love anything where you can get an unbiased thought process.
Whereas our family and friends are gonna tell us the things that we either want to hear or the things that they think we, uh, that are good for us. And neither of those are helpful. We need people who are willing to challenge us. But also come alongside of us and walk with us and be empathetic and help us learn to live life again.
And, uh, certainly that's why I love speaking with people like you who are making a difference in the lives of others and, uh, really have a passion to see people live a different life. The life that you know, they can live, the life that they're not too sure about right now.
Emily: Yeah. It's easy to feel like life is over, and especially in the early days of grief, you don't want to enjoy life again.
You want the [00:52:00] life that you had, and you can't fathom how another life is possible because your person isn't gonna be there with you, or the person that you spend a lot of time with. You're, you're not seeing them. And in the beginning, that's okay. Like it just takes a tiny little seed of faith that can grow over time.
That, you know, as you move through your season of suffering, that at that, like you said at one point, like you'll enough repetitions of. Getting up out of bed and making my breakfast and, um, going back to bed and just doing the basics over and over. At some point you will come to a time where you're like, okay, maybe there's more.
Maybe I could do something different or more. And at that point, just know when you reach there that it is possible. Um, but you get to decide whether or not that that's something that you do.
Brad: Yeah, I think that's it. You know, it, this is a time of life in grief where you [00:53:00] do get to, um, kind of reboot. And I don't care if it's the loss of a spouse, the loss of anyone in your life, you start changing because of that loss, and you can start.
I guess adapting in whatever ways that you need, whether it is, you know, I look at the, the loss of my friend Chad, and, um, he was, I guess. One of the best people I've ever written music with, and it has been a challenge since then to find somebody with his work ethic. I have another great friend that I, I write music with Kevin, but our schedules don't meet up well.
It's really difficult. He's a firefighter and, um, so. And of course now my wife's like, we've, we've written one song together. And she's like, we need to write another one. She's giving me lyrics. She's, she's not really a music writer, she [00:54:00] just writes the lyrics and I kind of mold around that. Um, and if she hears this, she's gonna be like, why does he keep putting me off?
So I guess I need to write that song. But, uh, you know, any death will make us start changing who we are. Um. And we can allow it to take us down or we can allow it to build us up and in your case, uh, a way to help others. So
Emily: yeah, and if you'll write the song, then she can overlook all of the little things that may annoy her.
Brad: That's right. Don't worry about the underwear on the floor or whatever. I, I always joke about that one. I don't leave mine there, but, um.
Final Thoughts and Encouragement
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Brad: Emily, I, I know we're kind of coming to a close. Um, I, I always wanna leave my guess with the last word, but I have one question before I, I let loose and, and let you go into [00:55:00] that.
What does it take to be a brave widow?
Emily: It really just takes a decision. That you are going to take one step forward through the fear. Through the uncertainty, through the, I don't even know if this is possible. I often joke that I called it Brave Widow, not fearless Widow.
Brad: Mm.
Emily: Because we learn that we, we don't know. I wanna believe I can have a life again.
I wanna believe that. I can laugh and I'll feel it in my soul, but I'm, I'm not, I'm not sure. I don't know. I don't know if that's possible for me. And so bravery is just about deciding that even though it may not seem possible, even though you may be afraid, even though it's awkward and weird and you're figuring everything out, and it seems really hard, that even while you're feeling all of [00:56:00] that, you are going to decide to take just one more step forward.
Brad: I'm reading through the Bible again with a, a new Bible and, um. I've got wide margins. I'm trying to really fill in the blanks on some thoughts. And I'm at the point I, I think it was either Exodus 13 or 14, um, last night or night before. And, uh, the children of Israel are heading towards the water and it's like, um, they're, they're heading out of Egypt.
And as long as. Their eyes were focused on God is they were brave. God tried to protect them too from looking back and seeing the enemy approaching, but it's like when they saw the Egyptians coming, that's when those fears started back in and it's like, [00:57:00] yeah, if. Where our focus is, I think a lot of times can be where our bravery comes from, but when we start questioning like the what ifs you spoke of earlier, that's when those fears start ramping up again.
That what if I don't know how to get my next meal? What if I can't pay this certain bill? What if I don't have the answer for the kids when they come to me for something? Um. So I think how we focus, where we focus is completely, uh, important. Yeah. Emily, any, any final words for us?
Emily: What I would say, um, what I like to tell people, especially if they're early in grief, is just to know that.
People say there's no time in the line and grief, which is true. But to know that as you're moving through that season of grief, that it is possible for you to create a [00:58:00] life that you can enjoy again, that you can love again, that makes you feel alive.
Brad: Hmm.
Emily: And even if right now that seems impossible, it's okay.
We're gonna hold belief for you on this podcast.
Brad: That's right.
Emily: But you don't know how to, you don't have to know how it's possible. You don't have to see the, the road in front of you, but just having that tiny little seed that you let grow inside of your mind and your heart, that some way, somehow it would be possible again for you in the future.
And that's what I will leave you with.
Brad: Yeah. Emily, thanks so much for being here. I really appreciate your knowledge. I appreciate the hard work that you do, helping others, and, uh, you're always welcome back here for your, your knowledge and, and, uh, I appreciate you being here.
Emily: Thank you for having me. It was a real pleasure.
Brad: Yeah, and listeners, thanks for tuning in once again and, uh, we will catch you on the next episode. Have a great day [00:59:00] everyone.
If you're tired of feeling lost, lonely, and second guessing every decision, my coaching program is meant for you. I help clients find clarity, create real connection, and build confidence up for good. Inside the Brave Widow Coaching Program, you'll learn real tools that you'll be able to use for a lifetime.
If you're ready for the next step, go to brave widow.com to book a consult. It's free. It's no pressure, and it can be your brave next step to healing your heart and building a life you love again. Go to brave widow.com today to book your consult.
