BW 175: Thousands of Widows Later: The 5 Truths I Wish Every Widow Knew
Nov 12, 2025[TRANSCRIPT BELOW]
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👉 https://bravewidow.com/academy
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In this episode, I’m celebrating 3 years of the Brave Widow Show and 4 years into my own grief journey — and I’m sharing the 5 core truths that keep coming up after coaching hundreds of widows and talking with thousands more.
If you’ve ever wondered:
- “Why can’t I just feel like my old self again?”
- “Is time ever going to make this hurt less?”
- “Why does it feel like I’m going backwards in my grief?”
…this conversation is for you.
Inside this episode, you’ll learn:
- Why, in early grief, the goal is to do LESS, not more – and how to stop trying to be “strong” for everyone else while you’re falling apart inside.
- The harsh truth that you’re not supposed to feel like your old self again – and how that can actually bring relief and hope.
- Why “time heals all wounds” is a myth – and what actually helps you feel different a year from now (time + consistent action).
- How to expand your capacity for BOTH – to love your old life and build a life you can love now, without betraying your person.
- Why you don’t have to feel ready to heal – you just have to be willing to take one brave, gentle next step.
✨ Free Resources Mentioned:
▫️ Widow checklist + family & friends guide: bravewidow.com → click “Start Here”
💜 Work with me inside Brave Widow Academy
The Brave Widow Academy is my 6-month group program that walks you step-by-step from deep grief to rebuilding a life you can love again – with coaching, a proven framework, and a community of widows who get it.
👉 Learn more + join us: bravewidow.com/academy
🔔 Subscribe for weekly grief support, hope, and real talk about life after loss.
If you’re new here, my name is Emily Tanner. I’m the founder of Brave Widow and Brave Widow Academy.
I help widows move from barely surviving their loss… to rebuilding a life they can actually love again without feeling like they’re betraying their person.
By day (and for 20+ years), I’ve led large teams and complex operations in the corporate world.
After my husband Nathan died in 2021, just shy of our 20-year anniversary, I took everything I knew about leadership, systems, and change — and started applying it to grief.
Since then, I’ve:
Shared my story publicly to make widows feel less alone.
Launched the Brave Widow podcast, now with 170+ episodes and listeners around the world.
Coached hundreds of widows 1:1 and in groups, and talked with thousands more through the podcast, communities, and events.
Built Brave Widow Academy, a 6-month coaching program with a clear framework for moving from deep grief to rebuilding a life you can love again.
I don’t teach “just think positive” grief tips.
I teach widows how to:
Heal their heart.
Stop waiting on “time” to fix everything.
Take small, brave steps toward a life that feels meaningful again.
How I Got Here…
2021: My husband Nathan dies unexpectedly. I’m 4 kids in, overwhelmed, and drowning in paperwork, decisions, and pain. Therapy helps, but I still feel stuck with no roadmap.
2021–2022: I start devouring books, interviewing widows, trying grief groups, and studying coaching — desperate to find something that actually helps me feel different.
2022: I start the Brave Widow podcast, recording episodes while terrified and crying between takes — but determined that no widow should feel as alone as I did.
Year 1: I begin coaching widows 1:1. Word spreads quietly. The same patterns and problems keep showing up, so I start building frameworks instead of one-off advice.
Year 2: I launch Brave Widow Academy — a structured, 6-month coaching program with a step-by-step path: from deep grief, to stability, to rebuilding.
Year 3: Brave Widow has listeners around the world. I’ve personally coached hundreds of widows and spoken with thousands more through consults, lives, emails, and DMs.
The 5 truths in this episode are the ones I keep coming back to over and over.
Today: My work is simple:
Help widows stop white-knuckling their way through each day… and start rebuilding a life that makes them genuinely glad to be alive again.
To every widow listening:
You didn’t choose this story.
You didn’t ask to become the “strong one”.
But you are in the middle of writing the next chapter.
You either get an epic outcome or an epic story.
Both mean you’re still here. Both mean you win.
You don’t have to do it alone. 💜
Chapters
00:00 – Welcome & Why This Episode Matters
01:00 – Thousands of Widows Later: What I Keep Seeing
02:00 – Truth #1: In Early Grief, the Goal Is to Do LESS, Not More
09:00 – Truth #2: You’re Not Supposed to Feel Like Your Old Self Again
17:00 – Truth #3: Time Doesn’t Heal; Time + Intention Does
28:00 – Truth #4: You’re Allowed to Hold BOTH Grief and Joy
35:00 – Truth #5: You Don’t Have to Feel Ready, Only Willing
40:00 – Recap: The 5 Truths I Wish Every Widow Knew
41:00 – How to Get Help & Next Steps (Brave Widow Academy + Consult)
TRANSCRIPT:
BW 175: Thousands of Widows Later: The 5 Truths I Wish Every Widow Knew
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[00:00:00] welcome to episode number 175 of the Brave Widow Show. Guys, November 16th is the third year anniversary that the podcast, the Brave Widow Show has been around. And let me tell you, it's been quite the journey. If you even look back at some of my very first videos, I wasn't able to talk much or get through my story without having to pause the video, wipe away the tears, and go back to recording, and it's pretty obvious in those first few videos I had no idea.
What Brave Widow would become over the next three years. I only knew that I felt a calling to do this work, to show up for other people and to go through the pain of figuring out what this was going to look like. So today, three years later, I have coached hundreds of widows and [00:01:00] widowers. I have interviewed and talked with thousands of widows in better learning and understanding their journey and what was helpful to them. And so there are five core truths. That I consistently come back to that three years later after starting Brave Widow.
I want every widow to know, and four years now into my own journey of being a widow. What I wish I would have known back then so for those of you who don't know me, hi. My name is Emily. I was widowed in 2021, became a certified life and grief coach, and really went on a mission. To rebuild a life that I could love and enjoy again.
And now it's my mission to help other widows and widowers do the same. And for those of you who haven't heard, I run a company called Brave Widow. We [00:02:00] have the Brave Widow Academy, which is a six month group program where I walk people through the curriculum of A to Z. How to go from deep grief to ultimately building a life that they can love again.
And the goal isn't that in six months, your life is perfect, but within six months you've started that journey. You have the tools and you are taking those baby steps forward to rebuilding your life. So after coaching hundreds of widows, interviewing thousands of widows, what are the five things that I want widows to know?
Number one. In the beginning of grief, the goal is to do less, not more. So often early in grief, we're giving extra tasks. We're given extra responsibilities. We have to do all the admin work, we have to notify social security, we have to contact a lawyer. We have to let the credit card companies know that person is no longer here.
We have [00:03:00] all of these things that we have to do, and. Our nervous system is completely dysregulated. We're in deep grief. The amygdala, which is part of our brain, has hijacked heart prefrontal cortex, which is the part of our brain that helps us with making decisions and planning and thinking about the future.
And so we literally, physically. Mentally and emotionally cannot function the way that we used to. And for people who are really good at crisis management, for people who are good at jumping in and getting things done, our natural re our natural instinct is to do more, take on more, do more, stay busy, distract ourselves, get everything done, take care of everyone else at the expense of ourselves.
Have you ever felt that way? Of course. [00:04:00] Yeah. Yeah. And you also have this pressure of needing to be strong for other people, even though you're the one grieving, even though you're the one who lost your person. People expect you to put on a brave face to be strong, to not make other people uncomfortable.
And that's just what society often expects us to do. If I had a nickel for every time someone told me, oh, you need to be strong for your kids. I would be very rich. And I wanted to hurt people every time they told me that because my first thought was like duh, of course I have to be strong for my kids.
But then like, why do you feel like you need to tell me that? Like, why I am hurting? Why do you feel like you need to tell me? Toughen up champ. You need to be strong for the kids. Like goes without saying. It's not helpful. But people might say things like to tell you to be strong for yourself or to be strong for other [00:05:00] people.
And so again, the first thing I want widows to know is in the beginning the goal is to do less and not more. I wanted nothing more. I was desperate for someone to look at me and say, you don't have to be strong for me. For the next five minutes. You don't have to be strong, just exist. Just let yourself fall apart.
Just let it all out. I wanted someone to say that and they didn't.
Widows also feel pressure to keep up with everything, right? Everything around the house. All of a sudden I was responsible for cooking and mowing and paying the bills and getting things done around the house, things that my husband had done for the majority of our marriage, and I thought because I was a high achiever.
Maybe an overachiever. I thought that it was just hard for me to ask for help or accept help because that's just who I [00:06:00] was. I didn't realize this is something that a lot of what I've struggled with is being able to ask for help or even accept help if people offer it. But what I want you to know is that needing help doesn't make you weak.
Needing help isn't putting a burden on other people like needing help just makes you a human being and it also allows other people to feel good about helping you, about being able to show up for you in a way that you need. So I want you to hear clearly. You don't have to be strong for everyone else if you're in grief, and also you don't have to do this whole journey alone.
Okay, so what does it mean to do less? Some examples might be lowering the expectations that you have for yourself of things that you used to do. So maybe you used to host Thanksgiving or Christmas, or maybe you used to buy stocking stuffers for everyone, or maybe you used to be the person who.[00:07:00]
Brought all the sides or did the dishes or like you did all this stuff for other people, like in the beginning especially, you don't have to keep doing that. And in fact, in order to protect your heart to your physical energy, because grief is physically exhausting, then it's helpful for you to do less and not to actually do more.
Hi, Dr. Tina. Yeah, and so doing less is lowering the expectations for yourself. It's giving yourself grace. It's recognizing that even though grief is a mental and emotional pain. It's physically exhausting and there's a reason for that. I don't have time to cover that today, but it's physically exhausting.
So doing less is actually helping you to protect your heart. So for those of you who may not know, I have a free checklist. [00:08:00] Guidebook on brave widow.com. You don't have to sign up, you just go to brave widow.com. There's like a start here tab and you can download the checklist of specific examples of ways that people can help you, whether it's sending you a DoorDash gift card, whether it's a mowing your lawn, whether it's doing your dishes it, and there's also a family and friend guide.
Totally free that you can share with family and friends who want to be able to show up to support you and help you. They really don't know how. They don't know what to do. They're afraid they might step on your toes or they might make things worse. But it's really helpful in especially these first seasons of grief, to lean into accepting help and also to advocating for yourself and needing help.
So that's number one. The goal is to do less, not more. Number two, this is a harsh truth, so I want you to brace yourself before I share it with you. Are you [00:09:00] ready? Number two, the harsh truth is that you're not supposed to feel like your old self again.
The life that you had with your person is over. And I heard Dr. John Delony say it in the most beautiful way, which was your old life. The person that you were, the life that you had is in ashes, and that is heartbreaking. And also it's where we can decide that we're going to start rebuilding. Okay. So when we're waiting for time to make it better, when we're waiting to go back to the way that things were, or to feel like our old selves.
Sometimes it is really confusing. Grief is really confusing. Like why can't I feel like a normal human being? I think about it even if you've ever had a newborn in the house and you're having to wake up at all hours of the night to take care of the newborn, you feel like a zombie.
You [00:10:00] feel like you're just walking in another realm. And to me, being in grief was very much the same way, like I felt hollow. Like a shell or a shadow of the person that I was, and I just wanted to feel like a normal human again, and I wanted to go back to the person that I was. And so what people would say is oh, just give it time and you'll feel normal again.
Give it time and you'll, youll go back, but. It didn't matter how much time I gave it, it didn't matter how much I tried, I just felt like I could never get back to that person that I was. And it wasn't until I heard that analogy by Dr. John Delony that it like clicked for me. And I was like, oh, that makes sense.
I can't go back to the person that I was. And that can be depressing and that can be heartbreaking, and that can be really hard to hear. And also. That can give you hope for the future, which is, [00:11:00] oh, I'm not broken. There's not something wrong with me because I can't go back to that person. I was, I'm a different person now.
I'm not the same person that I was. I don't know who I am now. Maybe at times, but also I get to decide that I'm going to build something new.
So what I want you to know is that you can love the life that you had. You can love your person, and you can also learn and create a life that you love. Now, and I'm gonna get into that a little bit more, but I also think about this like when Nathan died, who was my late husband. I was forever changed, like my perspective changed.
What was important to me, changed how I viewed the world, the lens that I looked at the world through that change. This is true. It's so heartbreaking. It can be [00:12:00] heartbreaking, but also it can be healing because it helps reinforce that you're not crazy. You're not crazy. The goal, and the expectation isn't about going back to the person and the version of you that existed,
but as I would think about it with my late husband, Nathan, and I would think, oh, I'm not the same person anymore. The way that I work, look at the world is so different. And in the beginning, that did make me sad, but then I also thought about it like how could I be the same person? We were married right at 20 years.
I married him when I was 18, so my whole entire adult life had been with him, had been as a wife and as a mom, had kids really early. Why wouldn't I expect it to change me at the core to literally lose my other half, to literally lose the other person? That I had known more of and had been with more of in my entire [00:13:00] life than I had been without him.
Of course it's gonna change me. Of course it's going to change who I am and how I view the world, and it took me time to get to that point. Ruben asked as a husband, what can I do for my wife to help her? What can I do for my wife to help her as I move on? I'm sick. Ruben, tell me a little bit more about what you mean with that.
What can I do for my wife to help her as I move on? Yeah, tell me a little bit more about that. What you're meaning by that. Also, what I want you to take away from this, that's really hopeful. Is that you get to, you get to decide, right? So not everybody chooses to build and to grow, but you get to decide to learn to grow and to ultimately.
[00:14:00] Become just this more elevated like well-rounded version of yourself. And so as I look back, I've been widowed now for over four years. As I look back, I'm like, wow, look at me like I am just such a different person. I'm more mature, I'm more patient. I. Don't let things bother me that used to bother me. I really take time to try to connect with people and to help people, and I'm just really proud of the person that I've become today that at times I feel sad that Nathan didn't get to know that version of me.
It's wow, I wish I would've gone on this journey of learning and growing sooner. It is sad to me that was the catalyst that has propelled me on this journey of learning about life and how to build a life that you enjoy instead of just living life and floating through it, which is what I had done for [00:15:00] many years.
So my question for you, my reflection challenge for you in this second truth is what if the goal. Isn't getting the old version of you back, but the goal is to become who you are meant to be now.
Yeah.
So Ruben. I think I get the gist of what you're asking. If you are asking, maybe you have a terminal diagnosis or maybe you're trying to prepare her for something in the inevitable future, and the biggest thing what people will tell me who are in that situation is that it doesn't matter how much you feel prepared, you're never actually prepared.
When it happens. But things that have been helpful to people in that situation is to be able to have open and honest conversations. And so at [00:16:00] times there are spouses who refuse to have those conversations or refuse to help make decisions, or sometimes they're just not physically able to, but having the conversations about what.
She would like for the future, what you would like to see for the future, how you want things handled, how that might look like for the rest of her life. Those things will be really helpful because as she wrestles with making decisions and as she tries to figure out like, oh, what would he have wanted?
What would, what do I want? And is this what he also wanted? There can be a lot of guilt and confusion and swirling when people don't have those answers. And I love what Dr. Tina said about, tactically, logistically, all the things around passwords and logins and just learning how to do some of the things to function in life.
All of those are really [00:17:00] helpful. But just having those open and honest conversations is super helpful. So thank you for asking the question, and thank you for being here. I can't I can't even imagine. Being in your shoes or in that situation. So thank you for being brave enough to join this and to ask the questions.
And if you wanna DM me, I'd be happy to connect with you more. Yep. I agree with Tina. Discussions, videos, letters, all of those will be things that she treasures. Oh gosh, this gives me hope. Good. My goal is to give you hope. Okay. So my first. Of the five truths was in the beginning, the goal is to do less, not more.
Number two is this harsh truth that you're not supposed to feel like your old self again. So like resetting expectations. Number three, and this may be really the most important one, time alone does not [00:18:00] heal. Action time plus action does or intention does? Okay, so one of the best things that I learned in the Grief Recovery Method and through the Grief Recovery Institute is that the myth of when people say Time heals all wounds, just give it time.
You'll start to feel better. That's actually a myth. It's not true. So the Grief recovery method, if you haven't heard of it. It's a program, it's a, that you can go through and it's evidence-based, meaning that it's been studied and proven to be effective in helping people with grief recovery. It's the only outside program I currently teach or actively put my name behind and.
That for me was very validating because when I found the grief recovery method and I started learning about like, why is grief so hard? Why can no one tell you what you're supposed to do next? What is the roadmap? Why can't someone tell me? Why do [00:19:00] people just keep saying, I need to keep waiting? Oh, just give it time and you'll feel normal again.
And I'm like, how much time am I doing this right? Am I doing something wrong? No one could tell me. So when I learned. That giving it time is just a myth. Then all of a sudden I felt like I wasn't going crazy anymore. Oh, okay, that's why time isn't helping me. It's not time alone. And how I think about this is like any goal that you wanna achieve.
Maybe it's learning to play the piano, maybe it is getting in shape, going to the gym, getting in shape, right? Maybe it is could be anything, any goal that you wanna achieve, any different outcome. If you just give it time, right? If I wanna play the piano, if I'm just giving it time a year from now, am I gonna be able to play the piano any better than I can play it today?
No. If I want to become [00:20:00] more fit and go to the gym, but I don't go to the gym, I just give it time. Am I going to become more fit? No, actually the opposite might become true because if I'm just giving it time, maybe I'm just sitting on the couch getting more out of shape. So grief and rebuilding your life is very much the same in that it does take time.
It does take time. But to get a different result, you have to have time plus consistent action. So if I wanna become proficient at playing the piano or learning a new language, then I have to practice. I have to take action, and I have to do it consistently. I can't just do it once a month or once a week.
Like I need to be doing it every day or every other day. If I wanna become more fit, I need to eat healthy and I need to go to the gym routinely, consistently. So it's true that it does take time because I can't just practice piano a whole [00:21:00] bunch and all of a sudden I am Beethoven, right? I can't just practice 24 hours straight and be amazing.
It is gonna take time, but it isn't time alone. And if I just keep waiting, I might actually. Feel worse, become worse, get in a spot where now getting back on track becomes more difficult. Okay. And I have so many client stories, people who have been on the podcast, people whose videos are on the website, brave widow.com, where they are sharing that they, some of them have waited years.
They kept giving it time and things kept not working. Maybe they tried counseling, it didn't work for them. They went to a grief group. They didn't like the group. It didn't resonate with them, so they just kept giving it time, kept giving it, time kept waiting, and got to a point where they're like, Ugh, this isn't working.
I need something else, which is the point that I got to. Like one of my clients, Karen, she was on the podcast previously. She's on [00:22:00] the website. She's also coming back on the podcast because we've been working together right at a year now. And when I first met her, she had been grieving and struggling for three and a half years.
Three and a half years she'd been. She went to counseling a couple times and that didn't resonate with her. She tried to grief share. That didn't resonate with her. She was just struggling personally at home. She was struggling at work. She even got to the point at work where she was about to lose her job.
That's how egregious it was because of how she was interacting with people and within three months. Okay, so I want you to think about this. She went from three and a half years to very little action of processing grief, of healing, her heart of rebuilding. She did do some things, but it was real inconsistent.
It was very minor. Her belief was that [00:23:00] she needed to give it time to almost losing her job to three months later, her leadership sitting her down and saying, oh my gosh, you're like a different person. What? What changed? What are you doing? She told 'em about Brave Widow and now they have sponsored her to continue coaching.
And so now here we are, a year later, she's gonna come back on the podcast and share how this past year and her experience has been. But the point that I want you to hear is not that her life was perfect in three months. Okay? But the big game changer for her was. Taking action plus time. So three months later there was a big shift in how she showed up in life and how she treated other people a big enough shift where her employer's wow, you're not gonna lose your job.
We want you be, we want you here, and we're gonna pay for you to continue to have the support you need to be here. And now a year later. She feel like [00:24:00] she just is a different person if you see her on the video now, compared to how she would show up on the calls a year ago, she is transformed. She is a different person, and it doesn't mean that her life is perfect, but she stopped waiting on time to make it better.
She started to have time. She had time, and the leverage of time plus the consistent action, okay. What I also want you to hear in this truth that time alone doesn't heal is that no one is coming to save you. And that's another harsh truth, and it was something that I didn't even realize I was waiting on.
But I can remember being in my home and. Like looking at the landscape and feeling so lonely, but also being an introvert who worked a very demanding job, who traveled a lot for work. I hate small talk. I still [00:25:00] don't love it. I don't like small talk. I don't like big crowds. I don't like networking and getting in there and meeting people, like it's not me.
I don't enjoy that. But I was also incredibly alone. I realized one day as I was sitting on my couch like, can't God just, send someone to my door? And can't they just knock on the door and be like, I'm here. You're your best friend. Let's go do stuff together. Can't he just do that? And then I'm like, that's crazy.
Like I live out in the country. That would be so weird for someone to just show up on the door, on the doorstep. But I want more friends. I want to not be alone and experience life alone anymore. The reality I had to face was that no one was coming to save me. No one was coming to knock on my door and just decide to be my friend.
And if they did, that would be really weird.
So there comes a point where we have to decide that we are going to rebuild our life intentionally, [00:26:00] which is calming our nervous system. It's healing our heart. It's rebuilding our confidence. It's rebuilding our social circle. It is becoming clearer on who we want to be. Now, I don't always believe that we have to find ourselves like we're on this mystical journey of, I don't know who I am.
I have to find myself. There's a piece of that short. But you also get to decide who you wanna be. Now, what do you wanna be known for? Dr. Joe Dispenza has a really interesting book breaking the Habit of Being Yourself. And if you haven't read it, it's definitely worth reading. But he talks about how we can essentially change our behaviors, change our actions, change the things that we do, that feed into changing our personality and who we are.
Without getting into a ton of detail, it's just a really [00:27:00] interesting take on neuroscience, on how our thoughts impact our feelings, how our feelings impact our actions, how our actions impact our results, and how, why it's so hard to change habits, why it's so hard to move through things like grief, like what is happening and how you can literally change the physical shape of your brain.
Think about that. Whoa.
You can rewire your brain and you can decide that you are going to be someone different. Amazing. Also wow, that's awesome. Crazy. Okay, so being intentional. It might be joining a group. It might be going to counseling. It might be getting some coaching. It might be going through a program like Grief Recovery Method.
It might be setting a boundary with people in your life. It might be having a tough conversation. There are a lot of different things that it could look like, [00:28:00] and my goal through Brave Widow and the Academy is to help give people that roadmap so you know exactly step by step, what to focus on and how to be intentional.
Also, there's no cookie cutter one fits all solution. So if you've joined me on a live, I love helping people get unstuck and figuring out the next best step for them. And also it's helpful to have this roadmap, this framework that we have for moving through four seasons of grief. Okay?
Number one, the five truths that I wish every widow knew. One in the beginning, the goal is to do less and not more. Number two, the harsh truth. You're not supposed to feel like your old self again. Number three, time alone doesn't heal. Time plus consistent action does. Number four, you can expand your capacity for both, and you are allowed to hold two things at once that feel [00:29:00] opposite and true.
Okay, so oftentimes we think one or the other, only one thing can be true. So one is I love the life that I had. I love my person. I'm sad that has changed and they're no longer here. And I can love my life now. I can love who I am now, and I can be excited for the future. Now, a lot of times society doesn't recognize that, or we even have a subconscious belief that tells us that can't be true, right?
It's either or. Either you love the life that you have now, or you love the life that you had then, so if you're happy now, that means you're not sad about your person. You're not missing 'em like you've moved on, not sad that they're not here anymore. You don't miss your life, and that's what people will sometimes say, right?
Oh, so and so moved on really fast. Wow. They went out to a concert and they were laughing and [00:30:00] have a good time. I'm glad she's better. I don't know how she did it. Six months in, I would be at home crying. It's culturally things either people say or we're afraid that we'll say, or we are afraid because we think that about ourselves.
Ooh, I can't I can't. I shouldn't laugh. That was funny, but. I'm not supposed to laugh with shrink down, right? Oh, if I laugh or I had five minutes where I was happy. Is that wrong? Does that mean that I don't miss my person anymore? Does that mean I've moved on? I don't wanna move on too fast.
I need to stay in the past. I need to stay in the sadness. I can't, you can't be moving on. Okay. So what I teach widows and widowers to do is to grow your capacity, to expand your capacity to hold two big emotions that feel opposite and true because the reality is that you can feel [00:31:00] sorrow and joy.
You can honor and love your past. You can be excited and hopeful about the future. You can love the person that you were married to in the past. You can love the person that you're married to now as I am remarried. Okay? It's a hard concept, but I teach you how to do that. You can laugh at a joke and cry later that night.
You can be furious that this is the life you have to live now. And also be grateful that people show up and support you, and that there is a way forward. Loving your life is not a betrayal to your person. It's not a betrayal to honoring the grief and the sorrow and the horror of what was, and often a lot of widows get stuck.
In this season of grief and in this time because they'll get to a point where they feel like they're [00:32:00] doing better and their grief is feeling better and things are going really well, and then all of a sudden one day they'll have a really hard grief day, or they'll hear a song, or they'll be a memory that comes up that brings them to their knees.
And so they think all of a sudden now they've gone backwards. All the progress, all the healing, all the things that they've done is just wiped away. It isn't true. You cannot unhealed what you have healed, but what people don't realize is that it can be, and it is both. It is both that we're trying to rebuild a life and figure out who, what we want for the future and to do new things and to be sad that we're having to do that.
It can be exciting to want to date someone again and to be talking to people and also to be angry and mad, like, [00:33:00] why? I know how to be a wife. I don't know how to date people. I don't know how to talk on these dating apps. Ugh, why am I having to do this? You can hold both. You have the capability of holding both.
You are allowed to want more than survival. You're allowed.
When I was over a year close to two years in grief, I had this realization that wow, I could live another 40 years, maybe 50 years. I don't think I'll live another 60 years. That'd be pretty old. But we could be, I could die tomorrow, but also I could live for several more decades and I just felt so hollow and disheartened about life that I was like, I can't do this. I don't wanna do this. I don't wanna do this another 40, 50 years. Yes, I have my kids and I know they need me, and I know I'm supposed to be strong for 'em. And I [00:34:00] know that, they would be devastated if something happened to me, but my gosh, is this it is.
This is just my life now. This is just it. There was a point where, and I tell in my original story. When that point was, but there was a point where I had to decide that, okay, if I'm gonna live the rest of my life, I'm gonna figure out how to do it in a way that is hopeful and joyful and where I am at peace.
And so the goal for me isn't to be happy all the time. Happy is like up here. Sadness is down here. I wanna be right here. Which is I feel peaceful, I feel grounded, I feel purposeful. I feel in the middle. I'm good. That was where I wanted to get. So let me ask you this question. If it were safe to want something again in your life or to want more in your life, what would you quietly admit that you [00:35:00] desire?
What would it be?
All right, the five truths. Number one, in the beginning, the goal is to do less, not more. Number two, you're not supposed to feel like your old self again. Number three, time alone doesn't heal. Time plus consistent action does. Number four, you can expand your capacity for both and number five, you don't have to feel ready.
You get to decide, oh, I'm not ready to get help. I'm not ready to go to counseling. I'm not ready to unpack this stuff. I'm not ready to try new things. I'm not ready to do these things. Readiness very rarely comes from like feeling ready. It's like confidence. If you wait to feel confident to do something new, you're just gonna keep waiting, right?
Comes back to the time alone. Doesn't really do much for you. But if I decide, okay, I'm ready, I'm gonna step forward. Now, if I [00:36:00] decide I'm going to do something through fear and that, then over time by taking this action, I eventually will become confident. Confident comes after. Okay, so when you're ready, it's oh, I feel confident.
I'm prepared. I'm calm, I'm ready to do this, which very rarely ever actually happens, right? Versus being willing or deciding that you're ready is okay, I am scared, I'm unsure, but I'm gonna take one tiny step forward. I'm gonna feel afraid and I'm gonna do it anyway. Guess what? That's why we call it Brave Widow.
Not Fearless Widow not ready. Widow not. I got this widow. It's Brave Widow because we feel the fear and we do it anyway. We feel the [00:37:00] uncertainty and we take that next baby step. We don't see what our future could be, and we dare to believe that it could be something worth pursuing that requires bravery, and that's why it's called Brave Widow.
Cassandra says It's been seven months and I go to counseling, but I feel hollow. Cassandra, I would just ask if you feel like if the counseling and the therapy is helpful. If so, I would continue to do that. And I would also look for ways that you can over time start to feel alive again. Start to feel childlike wonder again.
And so when you are. At a point where you decide that you are ready to try that. It might be something as simple as putting a jigsaw puzzle together or something that's like taking [00:38:00] a line dancing class or going to a pottery class or just doing something that's new to you. You've never done it. It just helps you to get that feeling of being alive again.
Sometimes that helps. Sometimes it may help first to work on calming your nervous system and creating those moments where you can just let your shoulders down, like truly, fully, deeply relaxed. Like I'm so relaxed and just reprogramming your brain and your nervous system.
There are so many times where I have taken action and I didn't feel ready. And this podcast is one great example of those times, right? November 16th will be the third year anniversary of The Brave Widow Show, like the podcast. And if you go and watch the first couple of episodes you'll be able to tell when I paused recording.
And I had to wipe my tears away. Like it's [00:39:00] very painfully obvious. I couldn't tell my story. I couldn't talk about some of these things without getting choked up. I, it was really hard. I felt like a fraud. Oh, I can't even tell my story. How am I gonna help other people on this podcast? I, but I took the action anyway before I felt confident, before I felt ready.
Now I'm super confident. I'm happy to go on people's podcasts. I'm happy to have them come on my podcast. I'm talk to you on a live and three years ago, no way, I've been a nervous wreck. And so that's a simplified example. I have hundreds I could share with you. The key is that it's important. To take action before you feel ready and that you can just decide that you're ready, decide that you're willing.
Of course you're gonna be scared. Your brain is trying to protect you, and you can be scared and still take a step forward. [00:40:00] The goal here isn't to overhaul your life. The goal is to choose one brave next step. So my question for you today is, what is the next gentle step towards support or change that I am willing to take, even if I don't feel ready?
What would be that one next gentle step for you?
Okay. That's what I have for you for today. I'll just recap the five truths after coaching. And also interviewing and interacting with thousands of widows. Three years since I started this journey of interviewing people publicly. The five truths that I come back to over and over, number one in the beginning, the goal is to do less and not more.
Number two, the harsh truth. You're not supposed to feel like your old self again. Number three, time alone doesn't heal. Time plus consistent action [00:41:00] does. Number four, you can expand your capacity for both and number five, you don't have to feel ready. You just have to be willing. So if you want help figuring out your next step.
You can DM me, you can go to brave widow.com and set up a consult call. You can ask questions in the comments and I will help you figure out one next step that will be able to help you and, we also have the Brave Widow Academy. If you want something very structured, if you want guidance, if you wanna a plan of like step by step exactly what to focus on that will help you and you wanna connect with other widows as we walk this journey together, brave Widow Academy is a great place to do that.
You can find more information about [email protected]. Otherwise, thank you guys for hanging out with me on this live and for interacting in the chat. [00:42:00] You are amazing and I am doing another live tomorrow, so Thursday, depending on when you hear or see this, so Thursday. The 13th of November, I am doing another live at 2:00 PM Central Time, and I am gonna share some tips for navigating the holidays and ways to keep your person's spirit as part of those holidays, if that's what you would like to do.
So feel free to join me on Thursday at Two Central and I'm gonna be going through that. I will catch you next time. Bye.
The Brave Widow Academy is open now, and it's where I help widows just like you move from surviving to living with a proven path coaching and a community of other widows who get it. If you're ready to take the next step, go to brave widow.com/academy to join us. I'll see you on the [00:43:00] inside.
