BW 090: Finding Light Again: Wisdom from Widowhood
Mar 19, 2024
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The Transcript is below.
Content warning: heart attack, Death
Transcript:
Video
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Emily Jones: [00:00:00] Hey, Hey, and welcome to episode number 90 of the Brave Widow show today. I have a special guest, Erin, who shares her story with us on the show today. And she talks about some topics which is how important it is for the people around us to help. She boldly was able to ask for help.
She even has some suggestions for widows who are scared, embarrassed, or nervous to ask for help of what she did and how she did things to ask for help and have people show up and help her and. For some people, she didn't even know who it was that helped her, but they showed up anyways. And I think it's just such a great and amazing reminder that people around you who care about you want to help you.
And as widows, we are often so Not great at accepting help, [00:01:00] and especially we're not very adept at asking for help. So I think you're really gonna like Erin's story and what she has to say on getting help from others. All right, let's dive in.
hey, and welcome back to another episode of the brave widow show today. I have a very special guest with me, Erin, and Erin's going to share her story and give us some insight and wisdom, which I know will be helpful. So Erin, thank you so much for coming on the show today and agreeing to do this.
you for having me. Yeah, I'm really excited to have you and I know the audience would love to know a little bit about you, about your background, and then we can dive into your story wherever you want.
Erin Butler: Sure. Um, I'm Erin. I live in the northeast, uh, New Hampshire. I have a daughter, Courtney. She's 21.
She still lives with me. My husband, Greg passed away [00:02:00] a year ago today. So, Um, suddenly no, no warning. We had been together since we were 15, we were in high school when we started dating. So a long time we were together. Um, we still liked each other. We loved each other, but we still liked each other too.
We enjoyed each other's company. Things are hectic. I feel like, uh, I feel like I'm in a fog. I would say at least 80 percent of the time, this past year, uh, which isn't like me, I've had to switch positions at work a little bit to make it a little easier for myself emotionally, trying to take care of myself that way to, cry when I need to.
And sometimes that's a lot, helping my daughter get through things is tough when I can't help myself. Sometimes,
Emily Jones: Yeah, that brain fog those first few months. [00:03:00] And even, you know, that 1st year that's really difficult. Like, I remember. I found car titles and an old silverware drawer like a year later, I put them there and I'm like, why did I put my car titles there?
Like you just do things and it's, it's hard. It's hard to minute.
Erin Butler: Yeah, I know. I just went to dinner with my niece the other night and. The next morning I went out, I got up to go food shopping and I had no card in my wallet and I went, Oh, I must have left at the restaurant and thinking like, that's just another day in Erin's life now.
Just, I do these things and don't even realize it. It's not even a big deal anymore. Just part of me.
Emily Jones: Yeah. Yeah. That's, Really tough. And I had to, I had to start plugging everything on my calendar. I had to set reminders constantly because I, if not, I would completely forget to do things or I would stack things together so I wouldn't forget to take them with me. Like it, it was just. [00:04:00] Yeah, it was definitely challenging.
Well, tell us about the relationship that you and your spouse had and what kind of relationship was it like? What did you like about him?
Erin Butler: So we were, we were so young, we didn't even have our licenses yet when we, we met each other and started dating, dated throughout the rest of high school, dated throughout college.
Um, We got married, got engaged in 99. We graduated high school in 95, got engaged in 99, got married the next year. And it was just like what we did, not because it was what was expected, but just because that was the way that we were just moving. Like, it was just a natural progression for us., and, he was always my biggest cheerleader.
And I missed that still now. I missed that part. Just having that unconditional person there no matter what. When we first started dating and like [00:05:00] the earlier years, he's not a very physical person, like doesn't like, he's not a hugger. So that's something he kind of learned over time. Um, I used to tease him.
I told one of my aunts that he was a big hugger. And so she would just hug him every time she saw him, why she touched me all the time. But just, you know, um, he would do anything for anybody and he always did that, uh, people would just say that, he, that just who he was as a person, uh, he just was there and helpful.
And. And it sucks to have that just gone that,
Emily Jones: yeah, it, it does. And it disrupts so many areas of your life and everything about everything that you do is now completely different. And it sounds like you had such [00:06:00] a beautiful and special relationship, which is awesome. And also heartbreaking at the same time.
Erin Butler: It is. It's one of the things I tell, younger women that are. Pregnant with their first child and and and maybe it's just me. I don't know. It has come back that wow. That is actually true. It does happen. Um, you fall in love with your husband all over again. I did when I saw him with our daughter and it's funny because I always teased him because anytime the first like 3 months of her life, no matter what he was doing with her, I just look and he just be looking at her and crying.
Right. So it's just that, like, are you crying again? Cause I'm the crier. He was never the crier. Um, but just that connection and you just, you just fall in love. I just fell in love with him all over again, just watching that bond form.
Emily Jones: Yeah. Yeah. That's so special. And, just, it's almost like you get to see them at, as a different version, [00:07:00] you know, you see them and you fall in love with them as your spouse and, you know, even earlier on when you guys met in school, in school age range, uh, versus when you graduated versus getting married and then becoming a father.
And it's just amazing to, I mean, really grow up with someone.
Erin Butler: It is. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And that's that piece, right? You know, I'm 46 now. He died when he was 45. So for 30 years, we were together. And how you just go on without that piece of you that, you know, you're, you're just, you become one in so many ways.
And who I am is a big reflection of who we were together. Right? Like, we, we grew up, like, I say, it's like a tree, like, you grow up and like, you grow like out and sometimes the limbs are like this, but like, we just kept going up. Um, so it's [00:08:00] hard because now I feel like the trees like falling everywhere and where do you go with that?
And what do you do with that? And some days it's really hard and I think I just think to myself, like, where, where would he be? And how would he be doing this? And, you know, sometimes that's not fair to myself, but I also think that that's a big part of how we were. Right. We like leaned on each other for so many things.
That's nice to think about. Like, okay, it kind of helps me get through to where I need to be thinking about him telling me, no, this is kind of like the way we, you know, you should navigate this or.
Emily Jones: Yeah. I mean, you know, people say, oh, my other half or that two people really become one. And that's truly how it is.
I mean, especially if you're thinking about. 20 plus years together or more than half of your life at different points, you know, that's a [00:09:00] big piece of your life. And then all of a sudden there's that hole because your identity has become so much of what you both wanted to do and goals that you both had and things that you both like to do together and you have to re figure out.
Well, who am I now? And do I still want to do this? And do I like doing this on my own? That was really, I think, uh, unnerving for me was that so much of my identity was being a wife and being a part of Nathan. And then I had to figure out, well, who am I on my own now that I don't even want the same things anymore.
It was very, it was a very strange experience.
Erin Butler: Well, and I think there's so much guilt for me around that, right? Because I'm not the same person, but shouldn't, I still want the same things as his wife just because he's not here, doesn't like, does that make him less valid in my life? Because [00:10:00] I need to make changes and kind of shift where I'm heading or the things that I'm interested in, or, you know, picking up new hobbies.
You know, we went on a cruise a couple of weeks ago, my daughter and I, And it's something him and I never would have done. So there's a lot of guilt around that. But it was also like, a new experience that was important for us that he Like, I mean, I thought of him, but I didn't think like, Oh, I remember when we were sitting at this table.
And I remember when we got off the cruise here. So it was nice that I didn't have like, those flashes. While I was there, like I did do with other places that we used to visit frequently. There was so much guilt around, around for me. I know just doing things. I remember like a month or two after he passed away, I went to get my hair trimmed and I sat there at the salon and I just balled in.
I'm sorry. You know, like, because I'm doing something for myself. [00:11:00] I need to do it, but to take time to do something for just you, it felt so selfish and the other pieces, it was one of those whenever I would get a haircut, they would say to me, well, what do you want it to look like this time? And I'd say.
Change it just enough, just enough so I want to see if my husband would notice, right, so, but like, I can't even say, like, it was just my thing. I wanted to see if he'll notice enough of a change. Um, and most of the time he did, but I couldn't even do that. So that was taken away too, you know, just those little things you don't, you don't think about.
Emily Jones: Yeah. You're so right. And I'm so proud of you that you went on this cruise and you did something different. And I resonate with that so much. You know, Nathan never would have got on a cruise ship. He just knew it was going to sink and we have to get on the lifeboats. So, uh, I went with my daughter, um, on a cruise the summer and it was [00:12:00] just.
It was cool making new experiences and like you said, not having the memory of, Oh, well, when we did this, or when we went together on this, um, getting through that. So, um, I think that is very helpful in forming new memories and new, um, triggers, if you will, that don't necessarily include our person being there.
So I'm, I'm glad to see that you did that.
Erin Butler: And it's so hard stepping out of that comfort zone, you know, even just regular things like, you're now we're in the Christmas season. So Christmas parties, doing Christmas without him. We had Thanksgiving a month ago, my daughter went to her boyfriend's family's house.
So it hit me like, wow, how alone I really am now. And I'm not because I had a handful of invitations for dinner and to spend time with people, but it's just that not not having [00:13:00] that person that you're normally with for everything.
Yeah. And as you have more holiday experiences without him, that will get a little easier, like a little less volatile because you'll have more of the memories without him as you did, you know, when, when you were together, but, um, Those first few are so tough.
Emily Jones: They're just really, really tough. So how are you thinking about if you celebrate Christmas or the new year? What, what are you thinking? You know, at the time that we're recording this, that's still, you know, just a couple of weeks away. So what are you thinking about how you'll get through those coming up holidays?
Erin Butler: I kind of have the list of invites and the list of the things that people that I want to spend time with. And it's just kind of up there, right? This is what I plan to do. And when it comes down to it, if it's not something I can do, I have to be okay with that too, and give myself space because it's hard.
And I, I, if I [00:14:00] push myself, then it's not going to help me. I have to give myself time. You know, just to, if I need to stay home or if I need to leave early or, you know, whatever it takes, I just need to do, but surrounding myself with people too, that is a huge help. Like just sending those calls out to people when I need them.
Right. I didn't realize how much support there actually was for our family until Greg died. I mean, you know, when you look at people and you're like, oh, yeah, you know, these, People are always around, right? But when it actually came down to it, how significant that support is during, I mean, even still, right?
There's just, you need it way more than you ever thought you would need it. And don't be afraid to call out and use it. I remember last year, because we're in New Hampshire, we get snow. Well, I have a snowblower, but I'm at work, or I had some medical stuff going on, so I couldn't shovel or snowblow. [00:15:00] And I would just put out Facebook posts to my friends, Anybody want some free snow?
Come and get it! And the driveway would just be clean when I got home, and it's so nice. It wasn't who I thought I would be reaching out for help, but knowing that I needed to. And that I was able to. So I think going into this Christmas, it'll be the same way, just, you know, kind of laid back, but pushing myself a little bit and keeping the supports and using the supports as much as I need to.
Emily Jones: I love that you were brave enough and humble enough to reach out for help and that you were almost surprised at times that people actually did show up and help even when you may not have even known who it was that cleared your driveway. Because
Erin Butler: there were days that I had no idea who it was because my camera didn't catch who it was.
It was too far away. So thank you [00:16:00] whoever I was, I guess.
Emily Jones: But, but that's amazing because I, I think it's important for people who hear this or see this to understand or to be reminded that people do want to help and they just, a lot of times don't know what to do to help, don't want to be pushy, don't want to step on toes, and so they're waiting in the wings for you to tell them what you need help with, but a lot of widows really struggle with that and really struggle with it.
Feeling okay with asking for help. So I'm so glad that you are brave enough to do it and to recognize that you can't do it on your own. It is a lot.
Erin Butler: It is sure is, and you have to yourself. That's just I mean, it's just life. You know, what would he want? You know, he would want and who would he be? He would be the 1st person out there helping somebody.
You know, I saw him do it over the years [00:17:00] so many times. I couldn't even count that. Right. So yeah, I know that's who he is and I know there's other people like that. So just kind of throw it out there for people, you know, please. Yeah, I need help. We all do sometimes. And when it's when it's my turn to give back again, I will, and I do.
Emily Jones: So what would you tell the widow who is too afraid to ask for help or feels too embarrassed or isn't sure what to ask for or how to ask? What would you say? What would your advice be?
Erin Butler: So there have been times where things have come up and I haven't been able to ask for help, but I have a, you know, you have a handful of close supports.
And if I share with them, they get my needs out there and my needs get met. Right? I don't have to put myself out there to say I can't handle this right now. Right? I'll say to a couple of people. I'm really having a hard time right now. [00:18:00] Is there any way you can, like, reach out to whoever can help me? I've had truck trouble.
So I've been reaching out to people about that, right? Like, you know, here and there and it is it's. It's a little less intimidating than just throwing yourself out there for the world to see, right? Please help me. And you feel weak and you feel like, I should be able to do this, why can't I do this? But be gentle to yourself, that's the other piece.
We're not, we're too hard on ourselves sometimes, especially going through this. Like, you know, This is not fun navigating. There's no book that tells you how you're processing everything the right way or the wrong way. It's just for me. I know it's just I'm winging it day to day. Some days I get up and I can go to work and work 12 hours and go food shopping and go to the gym.
Then other days. I can't even get in the shower and it's okay. They're both okay. I just have to keep trying [00:19:00] every day. I got to get up and start again and you know, it gets easier. I think with time.
Emily Jones: Yeah. And I love that you leaned on close friends or people that you felt like you could trust to go and find someone who could help you.
Um, I, I know I have a friend, a couple of them now that they have such a wide network of people that they know. And so when I come across like the leaky faucet or something where I'm like, I don't, am I doing this? Right. I have no idea. I, I don't really have the energy to YouTube this and try to figure it out.
You know, I'm, I'm texting that person like, Hey, do you know somebody who can do this or who can do that? And I don't even have to say, you know, Oh, I'm struggling. I need help. Feel sorry for me. Send someone over. I can just say, Hey, I need help with this. Who do you know? Who can you send me to? Right. Or who can you recruit?
And that. Is very helpful, not only for you as a widow, but it makes your friend feel really good because [00:20:00] they feel like they're helping you to by finding somebody who can help you.
Erin Butler: Yes, and really doesn't it make you happy to help anybody? Honestly, like, as people, I think we're helpers anyways. So. I know that I feel good when I help somebody.
So it's nice to see you like people do come out of the woodwork and are there and help. And I hope it gives them that, you know, that pat on the back that they deserve for helping out people when they need it.
Emily Jones: Yeah, you're, you're right. And I've heard people say things like, oh, don't rob somebody of their blessing because they want to help you.
And. You know, they get to be blessed by how good that feels or karma or whatever you want to call that, you know, in the future, don't rob someone of an opportunity to feel good about being able to contribute and to help because you're right for the majority of us. We, we want to help. We want to feel useful.
We want to feel like we made a difference in [00:21:00] someone's life, no matter how big or how small that is.
Erin Butler: And I think back to, you know, a year ago today, when I first got the call, I mean, there are people in and out of my house all week. I don't even know who is here. I was in such a fog, but I never, I never expected so many people in and out of the house.
I mean, there was, Toilet paper for two months and paper towels and drinks and food and the chimney was like the, my flue for my wood stove was being cleaned and the wood was being brought in and like, all of these things were just happening because people just came in and they were just doing it. Right, all of these things that I was grateful because I didn't even have to think about it after.
Right. And then it does make you think like, yeah, people are good. People are going to help. Right. And and use it, you know, don't be afraid to use it. That's what it's there for. That's what people people are there for.
Emily Jones: I love so much that you just [00:22:00] had people like, just show up to start doing stuff. They didn't ask what you needed.
They didn't say. Oh, if you need anything, let me know. Like, They just showed up in force and just started getting stuff. That's amazing.
Erin Butler: And they haven't gone away, right? They, they still, they stay by, no, they'll stop by and still do these things. You know, and that's what keeps you going to right?. Don't I'm so glad I didn't seclude myself because it's it's easy to want to do that, but it's the worst thing.
I know. For me, it's the worst thing I could have done. You know, I need people more than I ever did before.
Emily Jones: Yeah, I'm definitely guilty of that. I just wanted to be alone, which, you know, with, with three kids still at home, you're not really much alone at home. But I just, I didn't want anybody in the house. I didn't want anybody doing anything.
And it would have been much less stressful in certain ways if I would have let [00:23:00] people help more and show up more. And I just have to give a special shout out to the people who care about you that, you know, Just relentlessly kept showing up and over this past year have kept showing up because that to me is the most priceless gift that you can give a widow is to not give up if they don't thank you, to not get discouraged, but just keep showing up.
And so that is awesome. Yes,
Erin Butler: for sure. And I am I'm I count my blessings for sure.
Emily Jones: Yeah. So I know people will be curious to know how you lost your your person. And I know you said a year ago that you got a call. Do you mind to share some of that and what that was like?
Erin Butler: So, Greg and I had a great long weekend.
Um, in December last year, we had, we stayed in Boston on Thursday night. We saw a show down there at one of the [00:24:00] theaters. Um, Friday, we spent all day together. Saturday, the family put up a tree. We went to his company party on Saturday night. Sunday was a chill day. It was just like one of the best weekends we had had in a long time.
We spent like the whole thing together. Monday morning, he went to work and, um, I got. A message from his coworker, um, that I needed to call him ASAP. And it was, you know, not even 745, not even yet. And, um, so. Then the phone, my, my Facebook messenger video starts going off the phone and I, you know, jumped out of bed and hello, and he said, you need to get here.
Greg collapsed. So I said, oh, my 1st, initial reaction was you're messing with me. And he said, I'm not messing with you. Erin, you need to get here. So, you know, okay, I got my daughter up and I said, something happened to [00:25:00] daddy at work. I'm going to go, you know, probably meet him at the hospital. Do you want to come?
She said no. All right, jump in the car. I called my parents. I called a friend of mine and, um, my parents were down in Myrtle Beach at the time, but I called my friend and I said, meet me at the hospital. It's about 45 minutes away. On the way there, uh, I got a text from his coworker that he was waiting at the front door for me.
So I said, okay, at the hospital. And he said, no, at the factory. And this was, I don't like, 45 minutes later. Um, so I knew at that point that that he was likely gone because there was no other information, but. He was waiting at the door for me, right? Um, so I get a phone call from a number I didn't recognize, and I answered it.
And it was Sergeant something from Stratford Police. And he said, um, Is this Mrs. Butler? I said [00:26:00] yes. And he said, Are you driving right now? And I said yes. And he said, Okay, I'm going to need you to pull over. And I said, No, I don't want to. And he said, no, I really need you to pull over right now. And, um, I pulled over and he told me that it's not the way this usually happens because the family doesn't usually get notified ahead of time, but that he had to tell me that Greg had passed.
So I had, at that point, there was nothing I could do. So he told me just to come home and I had to, um, I texted my friend who was meeting me at the hospital. My sister was already at the hospital and I had texted my friend and I said, um, meet me at my house. And she called me and she said, why do you want me to meet you at your house?
And I said, I need you to meet me at my house. And she said, why? And I said, I just need you to meet me at my house. And she said, you need to say it. And I said, he died. [00:27:00] And I had to text my sister, so everybody met at my house. 1 of the hardest things that day was coming home and having to go to my daughter.
Her dad died, um, he had a heart attack. There was no warning. He was never sick. He never had any health issues. Um, so it came as a shock to everybody that knew him. And, um, so that day I kept, I kept thinking, like, I don't know how I kept saying, I don't know how to life without him. Like, it's live, but it's not.
It's like, like, do life. I don't know how to do life without him. She's been with me for 30 years. And I don't want to do life without him. Um, you don't have a choice. [00:28:00] And I, I say today, cause it's one year today. And I think to myself, like, like I'm way stronger. Then I thought I was like, if you were to ask me last year, you know, what's this year going to be like, and how are you going to be in a year from now?
I, there's no way I would have been like, I wouldn't be able to function, but I'm, I'm still working. I'm still paying my bills. I'm still, you know, being with my people. I'm still all of the things that. He would want me to still do I'm doing and I know that part of me is just Has him in the back of my head now because I have to do all my things But I have to do the things that he wanted to do because he's not here to do that So it's it's both of us that I'm living for now
Emily Jones: yeah, thank you for sharing that and You're right.
You are so strong. And I'm, I imagine that's one thing that, that people like to tell you, [00:29:00] um, is how amazingly strong and resilient and just incredible that you are not only to have survived, but to thrive, to put yourself out there, to. Surround yourself with people to be aware enough to know I need help.
I need to be around people. I need to do things that I enjoy and I want to do things that he enjoyed to honor him. And I want to try new things. And a year on one hand feels like a lifetime at this point. And on the other hand feels like.
Erin Butler: It's the shortest, longest year of my life, and I can't even describe it to people because it's just, it's such a bizarre feeling, you know, waking up every day and you're like, I have to like live through another day without him and then you're like, Oh, it's a week later.
Like I did it. I made another week. [00:30:00] You know, weekends were the hardest at first. I hated weekends, like, because I was home by myself. And then slowly I started filling my time with positive things. And all right, I can go food shopping without crying and I can actually cook a meal on a Sunday for the week.
And this is okay. Yeah, but it takes time. And I think for me, my, the biggest advice I would give anybody is just be kind to yourself. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself that space. Like, what would you say to your best friend going through this? Like, you know, this isn't easy. Be kind to yourself and it's okay.
No matter how you feel, be mad, be happy, be sad, just whatever. Roll with it. It's a wave, ride the wave. Some days you're going to be in that water and some days you're going to be on top of that, the wave, but just keep riding it.
Emily Jones: I love that. And like you said, some [00:31:00] days you may not be able to get out of bed and other days you may be out there conquering the world and both are okay.
Erin Butler: Yeah,
Emily Jones: yeah. Well, Erin, thank you so much for coming on today and sharing part of your story and things that I think will really be very helpful for other what is that are out there. Are there any final words of wisdom or encouragement that you would want to leave our listeners with
Erin Butler: again? Just be kind to yourself.
You know. Greg was always one of the kindest people I knew. He just was such an upbeat person, such a, he put a positive spin on everything. It makes such a difference if you can do that for yourself. You know, and what you put out there comes back to you too, so just keep putting kindness out there and start with yourself.
Emily Jones: Awesome. Yes, my kids hate the fact I think that my word of the year for them was [00:32:00] kind, be kindness. And that has come up often, but it is such a powerful, powerful sentiment. So thank you, Erin, for coming on the show today. I appreciate you and, uh, what a beautiful way to honor Greg one year later.
Erin Butler: For sure.
Emily Jones: Hey, hey, Emily here. And I just wanted to touch on a couple of things that Erin shared in her interview and in sharing her story. She talked about guilt and grief, which is something actually pretty common with people who are grieving and That feeling of guilt is often very closely associated with grief.
And one thing that I like to remind everyone of that I learned from the grief recovery Institute is that guilt is a really heavy word guilt implies malicious [00:33:00] intent. And so when we wrestle with this feelings and these thoughts of being guilty. That's a really heavy and misconstrued way to look at things.
Instead of being guilty or feeling guilty, what often happens is we wish that things between us and our person were better. more or different. And I want to make sure that if guilt is something that you're struggling with, that you're proactively working on moving through that, whether it's going through the grief recovery method, whether it's working with a coach or a therapist or psychologist, whatever the right approach is for you, that you not be under that burden of grief For much longer, you don't need to be you can be set free.
You can have the [00:34:00] weight lifted off of your shoulders. And I understand feeling guilty. There were several things about Nathan's last few days that I felt guilty about. And when I look back on it, it's not that I feel guilty because I did anything wrong, because I feel guilty. Because I didn't do anything wrong, but I was feeling guilty because I had wished things had happened differently or I wish things had happened better.
And so if you're wrestling with grief and with guilt, then I just want to encourage you to take the time to proactively heal that. I have a course specifically in the Brave Widow membership community on getting unstuck from grief and a section of that is guilt and why we feel guilty and what we can work on to move through that in some areas of our lives that we can do to move forward and not feel consistently [00:35:00] stuck in grief.
And I would love for you to check that out and for that to be a helpful part of your healing journey.
Are you a widow who feels disconnected? Do you feel like you're stuck or even going backwards in your grief? Widowhood can be lonely and isolating, but it doesn't have to be. Join us in the Brave Widow membership community and connect. We teach widows how to find hope, heal their heart, and dream again for the future.
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Emily Jones: [00:00:00] Hey, Hey, and welcome to episode number 90 of the Brave Widow show today. I have a special guest, Erin, who shares her story with us on the show today. And she talks about some topics which is how important it is for the people around us to help. She boldly was able to ask for help.
She even has some suggestions for widows who are scared, embarrassed, or nervous to ask for help of what she did and how she did things to ask for help and have people show up and help her and. For some people, she didn't even know who it was that helped her, but they showed up anyways. And I think it's just such a great and amazing reminder that people around you who care about you want to help you.
And as widows, we are often so Not great at accepting help, [00:01:00] and especially we're not very adept at asking for help. So I think you're really gonna like Erin's story and what she has to say on getting help from others. All right, let's dive in.
hey, and welcome back to another episode of the brave widow show today. I have a very special guest with me, Erin, and Erin's going to share her story and give us some insight and wisdom, which I know will be helpful. So Erin, thank you so much for coming on the show today and agreeing to do this.
you for having me. Yeah, I'm really excited to have you and I know the audience would love to know a little bit about you, about your background, and then we can dive into your story wherever you want.
Erin Butler: Sure. Um, I'm Erin. I live in the northeast, uh, New Hampshire. I have a daughter, Courtney. She's 21.
She still lives with me. My husband, Greg passed away [00:02:00] a year ago today. So, Um, suddenly no, no warning. We had been together since we were 15, we were in high school when we started dating. So a long time we were together. Um, we still liked each other. We loved each other, but we still liked each other too.
We enjoyed each other's company. Things are hectic. I feel like, uh, I feel like I'm in a fog. I would say at least 80 percent of the time, this past year, uh, which isn't like me, I've had to switch positions at work a little bit to make it a little easier for myself emotionally, trying to take care of myself that way to, cry when I need to.
And sometimes that's a lot, helping my daughter get through things is tough when I can't help myself. Sometimes,
Emily Jones: Yeah, that brain fog those first few months. [00:03:00] And even, you know, that 1st year that's really difficult. Like, I remember. I found car titles and an old silverware drawer like a year later, I put them there and I'm like, why did I put my car titles there?
Like you just do things and it's, it's hard. It's hard to minute.
Erin Butler: Yeah, I know. I just went to dinner with my niece the other night and. The next morning I went out, I got up to go food shopping and I had no card in my wallet and I went, Oh, I must have left at the restaurant and thinking like, that's just another day in Erin's life now.
Just, I do these things and don't even realize it. It's not even a big deal anymore. Just part of me.
Emily Jones: Yeah. Yeah. That's, Really tough. And I had to, I had to start plugging everything on my calendar. I had to set reminders constantly because I, if not, I would completely forget to do things or I would stack things together so I wouldn't forget to take them with me. Like it, it was just. [00:04:00] Yeah, it was definitely challenging.
Well, tell us about the relationship that you and your spouse had and what kind of relationship was it like? What did you like about him?
Erin Butler: So we were, we were so young, we didn't even have our licenses yet when we, we met each other and started dating, dated throughout the rest of high school, dated throughout college.
Um, We got married, got engaged in 99. We graduated high school in 95, got engaged in 99, got married the next year. And it was just like what we did, not because it was what was expected, but just because that was the way that we were just moving. Like, it was just a natural progression for us., and, he was always my biggest cheerleader.
And I missed that still now. I missed that part. Just having that unconditional person there no matter what. When we first started dating and like [00:05:00] the earlier years, he's not a very physical person, like doesn't like, he's not a hugger. So that's something he kind of learned over time. Um, I used to tease him.
I told one of my aunts that he was a big hugger. And so she would just hug him every time she saw him, why she touched me all the time. But just, you know, um, he would do anything for anybody and he always did that, uh, people would just say that, he, that just who he was as a person, uh, he just was there and helpful.
And. And it sucks to have that just gone that,
Emily Jones: yeah, it, it does. And it disrupts so many areas of your life and everything about everything that you do is now completely different. And it sounds like you had such [00:06:00] a beautiful and special relationship, which is awesome. And also heartbreaking at the same time.
Erin Butler: It is. It's one of the things I tell, younger women that are. Pregnant with their first child and and and maybe it's just me. I don't know. It has come back that wow. That is actually true. It does happen. Um, you fall in love with your husband all over again. I did when I saw him with our daughter and it's funny because I always teased him because anytime the first like 3 months of her life, no matter what he was doing with her, I just look and he just be looking at her and crying.
Right. So it's just that, like, are you crying again? Cause I'm the crier. He was never the crier. Um, but just that connection and you just, you just fall in love. I just fell in love with him all over again, just watching that bond form.
Emily Jones: Yeah. Yeah. That's so special. And, just, it's almost like you get to see them at, as a different version, [00:07:00] you know, you see them and you fall in love with them as your spouse and, you know, even earlier on when you guys met in school, in school age range, uh, versus when you graduated versus getting married and then becoming a father.
And it's just amazing to, I mean, really grow up with someone.
Erin Butler: It is. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And that's that piece, right? You know, I'm 46 now. He died when he was 45. So for 30 years, we were together. And how you just go on without that piece of you that, you know, you're, you're just, you become one in so many ways.
And who I am is a big reflection of who we were together. Right? Like, we, we grew up, like, I say, it's like a tree, like, you grow up and like, you grow like out and sometimes the limbs are like this, but like, we just kept going up. Um, so it's [00:08:00] hard because now I feel like the trees like falling everywhere and where do you go with that?
And what do you do with that? And some days it's really hard and I think I just think to myself, like, where, where would he be? And how would he be doing this? And, you know, sometimes that's not fair to myself, but I also think that that's a big part of how we were. Right. We like leaned on each other for so many things.
That's nice to think about. Like, okay, it kind of helps me get through to where I need to be thinking about him telling me, no, this is kind of like the way we, you know, you should navigate this or.
Emily Jones: Yeah. I mean, you know, people say, oh, my other half or that two people really become one. And that's truly how it is.
I mean, especially if you're thinking about. 20 plus years together or more than half of your life at different points, you know, that's a [00:09:00] big piece of your life. And then all of a sudden there's that hole because your identity has become so much of what you both wanted to do and goals that you both had and things that you both like to do together and you have to re figure out.
Well, who am I now? And do I still want to do this? And do I like doing this on my own? That was really, I think, uh, unnerving for me was that so much of my identity was being a wife and being a part of Nathan. And then I had to figure out, well, who am I on my own now that I don't even want the same things anymore.
It was very, it was a very strange experience.
Erin Butler: Well, and I think there's so much guilt for me around that, right? Because I'm not the same person, but shouldn't, I still want the same things as his wife just because he's not here, doesn't like, does that make him less valid in my life? Because [00:10:00] I need to make changes and kind of shift where I'm heading or the things that I'm interested in, or, you know, picking up new hobbies.
You know, we went on a cruise a couple of weeks ago, my daughter and I, And it's something him and I never would have done. So there's a lot of guilt around that. But it was also like, a new experience that was important for us that he Like, I mean, I thought of him, but I didn't think like, Oh, I remember when we were sitting at this table.
And I remember when we got off the cruise here. So it was nice that I didn't have like, those flashes. While I was there, like I did do with other places that we used to visit frequently. There was so much guilt around, around for me. I know just doing things. I remember like a month or two after he passed away, I went to get my hair trimmed and I sat there at the salon and I just balled in.
I'm sorry. You know, like, because I'm doing something for myself. [00:11:00] I need to do it, but to take time to do something for just you, it felt so selfish and the other pieces, it was one of those whenever I would get a haircut, they would say to me, well, what do you want it to look like this time? And I'd say.
Change it just enough, just enough so I want to see if my husband would notice, right, so, but like, I can't even say, like, it was just my thing. I wanted to see if he'll notice enough of a change. Um, and most of the time he did, but I couldn't even do that. So that was taken away too, you know, just those little things you don't, you don't think about.
Emily Jones: Yeah. You're so right. And I'm so proud of you that you went on this cruise and you did something different. And I resonate with that so much. You know, Nathan never would have got on a cruise ship. He just knew it was going to sink and we have to get on the lifeboats. So, uh, I went with my daughter, um, on a cruise the summer and it was [00:12:00] just.
It was cool making new experiences and like you said, not having the memory of, Oh, well, when we did this, or when we went together on this, um, getting through that. So, um, I think that is very helpful in forming new memories and new, um, triggers, if you will, that don't necessarily include our person being there.
So I'm, I'm glad to see that you did that.
Erin Butler: And it's so hard stepping out of that comfort zone, you know, even just regular things like, you're now we're in the Christmas season. So Christmas parties, doing Christmas without him. We had Thanksgiving a month ago, my daughter went to her boyfriend's family's house.
So it hit me like, wow, how alone I really am now. And I'm not because I had a handful of invitations for dinner and to spend time with people, but it's just that not not having [00:13:00] that person that you're normally with for everything.
Yeah. And as you have more holiday experiences without him, that will get a little easier, like a little less volatile because you'll have more of the memories without him as you did, you know, when, when you were together, but, um, Those first few are so tough.
Emily Jones: They're just really, really tough. So how are you thinking about if you celebrate Christmas or the new year? What, what are you thinking? You know, at the time that we're recording this, that's still, you know, just a couple of weeks away. So what are you thinking about how you'll get through those coming up holidays?
Erin Butler: I kind of have the list of invites and the list of the things that people that I want to spend time with. And it's just kind of up there, right? This is what I plan to do. And when it comes down to it, if it's not something I can do, I have to be okay with that too, and give myself space because it's hard.
And I, I, if I [00:14:00] push myself, then it's not going to help me. I have to give myself time. You know, just to, if I need to stay home or if I need to leave early or, you know, whatever it takes, I just need to do, but surrounding myself with people too, that is a huge help. Like just sending those calls out to people when I need them.
Right. I didn't realize how much support there actually was for our family until Greg died. I mean, you know, when you look at people and you're like, oh, yeah, you know, these, People are always around, right? But when it actually came down to it, how significant that support is during, I mean, even still, right?
There's just, you need it way more than you ever thought you would need it. And don't be afraid to call out and use it. I remember last year, because we're in New Hampshire, we get snow. Well, I have a snowblower, but I'm at work, or I had some medical stuff going on, so I couldn't shovel or snowblow. [00:15:00] And I would just put out Facebook posts to my friends, Anybody want some free snow?
Come and get it! And the driveway would just be clean when I got home, and it's so nice. It wasn't who I thought I would be reaching out for help, but knowing that I needed to. And that I was able to. So I think going into this Christmas, it'll be the same way, just, you know, kind of laid back, but pushing myself a little bit and keeping the supports and using the supports as much as I need to.
Emily Jones: I love that you were brave enough and humble enough to reach out for help and that you were almost surprised at times that people actually did show up and help even when you may not have even known who it was that cleared your driveway. Because
Erin Butler: there were days that I had no idea who it was because my camera didn't catch who it was.
It was too far away. So thank you [00:16:00] whoever I was, I guess.
Emily Jones: But, but that's amazing because I, I think it's important for people who hear this or see this to understand or to be reminded that people do want to help and they just, a lot of times don't know what to do to help, don't want to be pushy, don't want to step on toes, and so they're waiting in the wings for you to tell them what you need help with, but a lot of widows really struggle with that and really struggle with it.
Feeling okay with asking for help. So I'm so glad that you are brave enough to do it and to recognize that you can't do it on your own. It is a lot.
Erin Butler: It is sure is, and you have to yourself. That's just I mean, it's just life. You know, what would he want? You know, he would want and who would he be? He would be the 1st person out there helping somebody.
You know, I saw him do it over the years [00:17:00] so many times. I couldn't even count that. Right. So yeah, I know that's who he is and I know there's other people like that. So just kind of throw it out there for people, you know, please. Yeah, I need help. We all do sometimes. And when it's when it's my turn to give back again, I will, and I do.
Emily Jones: So what would you tell the widow who is too afraid to ask for help or feels too embarrassed or isn't sure what to ask for or how to ask? What would you say? What would your advice be?
Erin Butler: So there have been times where things have come up and I haven't been able to ask for help, but I have a, you know, you have a handful of close supports.
And if I share with them, they get my needs out there and my needs get met. Right? I don't have to put myself out there to say I can't handle this right now. Right? I'll say to a couple of people. I'm really having a hard time right now. [00:18:00] Is there any way you can, like, reach out to whoever can help me? I've had truck trouble.
So I've been reaching out to people about that, right? Like, you know, here and there and it is it's. It's a little less intimidating than just throwing yourself out there for the world to see, right? Please help me. And you feel weak and you feel like, I should be able to do this, why can't I do this? But be gentle to yourself, that's the other piece.
We're not, we're too hard on ourselves sometimes, especially going through this. Like, you know, This is not fun navigating. There's no book that tells you how you're processing everything the right way or the wrong way. It's just for me. I know it's just I'm winging it day to day. Some days I get up and I can go to work and work 12 hours and go food shopping and go to the gym.
Then other days. I can't even get in the shower and it's okay. They're both okay. I just have to keep trying [00:19:00] every day. I got to get up and start again and you know, it gets easier. I think with time.
Emily Jones: Yeah. And I love that you leaned on close friends or people that you felt like you could trust to go and find someone who could help you.
Um, I, I know I have a friend, a couple of them now that they have such a wide network of people that they know. And so when I come across like the leaky faucet or something where I'm like, I don't, am I doing this? Right. I have no idea. I, I don't really have the energy to YouTube this and try to figure it out.
You know, I'm, I'm texting that person like, Hey, do you know somebody who can do this or who can do that? And I don't even have to say, you know, Oh, I'm struggling. I need help. Feel sorry for me. Send someone over. I can just say, Hey, I need help with this. Who do you know? Who can you send me to? Right. Or who can you recruit?
And that. Is very helpful, not only for you as a widow, but it makes your friend feel really good because [00:20:00] they feel like they're helping you to by finding somebody who can help you.
Erin Butler: Yes, and really doesn't it make you happy to help anybody? Honestly, like, as people, I think we're helpers anyways. So. I know that I feel good when I help somebody.
So it's nice to see you like people do come out of the woodwork and are there and help. And I hope it gives them that, you know, that pat on the back that they deserve for helping out people when they need it.
Emily Jones: Yeah, you're, you're right. And I've heard people say things like, oh, don't rob somebody of their blessing because they want to help you.
And. You know, they get to be blessed by how good that feels or karma or whatever you want to call that, you know, in the future, don't rob someone of an opportunity to feel good about being able to contribute and to help because you're right for the majority of us. We, we want to help. We want to feel useful.
We want to feel like we made a difference in [00:21:00] someone's life, no matter how big or how small that is.
Erin Butler: And I think back to, you know, a year ago today, when I first got the call, I mean, there are people in and out of my house all week. I don't even know who is here. I was in such a fog, but I never, I never expected so many people in and out of the house.
I mean, there was, Toilet paper for two months and paper towels and drinks and food and the chimney was like the, my flue for my wood stove was being cleaned and the wood was being brought in and like, all of these things were just happening because people just came in and they were just doing it. Right, all of these things that I was grateful because I didn't even have to think about it after.
Right. And then it does make you think like, yeah, people are good. People are going to help. Right. And and use it, you know, don't be afraid to use it. That's what it's there for. That's what people people are there for.
Emily Jones: I love so much that you just [00:22:00] had people like, just show up to start doing stuff. They didn't ask what you needed.
They didn't say. Oh, if you need anything, let me know. Like, They just showed up in force and just started getting stuff. That's amazing.
Erin Butler: And they haven't gone away, right? They, they still, they stay by, no, they'll stop by and still do these things. You know, and that's what keeps you going to right?. Don't I'm so glad I didn't seclude myself because it's it's easy to want to do that, but it's the worst thing.
I know. For me, it's the worst thing I could have done. You know, I need people more than I ever did before.
Emily Jones: Yeah, I'm definitely guilty of that. I just wanted to be alone, which, you know, with, with three kids still at home, you're not really much alone at home. But I just, I didn't want anybody in the house. I didn't want anybody doing anything.
And it would have been much less stressful in certain ways if I would have let [00:23:00] people help more and show up more. And I just have to give a special shout out to the people who care about you that, you know, Just relentlessly kept showing up and over this past year have kept showing up because that to me is the most priceless gift that you can give a widow is to not give up if they don't thank you, to not get discouraged, but just keep showing up.
And so that is awesome. Yes,
Erin Butler: for sure. And I am I'm I count my blessings for sure.
Emily Jones: Yeah. So I know people will be curious to know how you lost your your person. And I know you said a year ago that you got a call. Do you mind to share some of that and what that was like?
Erin Butler: So, Greg and I had a great long weekend.
Um, in December last year, we had, we stayed in Boston on Thursday night. We saw a show down there at one of the [00:24:00] theaters. Um, Friday, we spent all day together. Saturday, the family put up a tree. We went to his company party on Saturday night. Sunday was a chill day. It was just like one of the best weekends we had had in a long time.
We spent like the whole thing together. Monday morning, he went to work and, um, I got. A message from his coworker, um, that I needed to call him ASAP. And it was, you know, not even 745, not even yet. And, um, so. Then the phone, my, my Facebook messenger video starts going off the phone and I, you know, jumped out of bed and hello, and he said, you need to get here.
Greg collapsed. So I said, oh, my 1st, initial reaction was you're messing with me. And he said, I'm not messing with you. Erin, you need to get here. So, you know, okay, I got my daughter up and I said, something happened to [00:25:00] daddy at work. I'm going to go, you know, probably meet him at the hospital. Do you want to come?
She said no. All right, jump in the car. I called my parents. I called a friend of mine and, um, my parents were down in Myrtle Beach at the time, but I called my friend and I said, meet me at the hospital. It's about 45 minutes away. On the way there, uh, I got a text from his coworker that he was waiting at the front door for me.
So I said, okay, at the hospital. And he said, no, at the factory. And this was, I don't like, 45 minutes later. Um, so I knew at that point that that he was likely gone because there was no other information, but. He was waiting at the door for me, right? Um, so I get a phone call from a number I didn't recognize, and I answered it.
And it was Sergeant something from Stratford Police. And he said, um, Is this Mrs. Butler? I said [00:26:00] yes. And he said, Are you driving right now? And I said yes. And he said, Okay, I'm going to need you to pull over. And I said, No, I don't want to. And he said, no, I really need you to pull over right now. And, um, I pulled over and he told me that it's not the way this usually happens because the family doesn't usually get notified ahead of time, but that he had to tell me that Greg had passed.
So I had, at that point, there was nothing I could do. So he told me just to come home and I had to, um, I texted my friend who was meeting me at the hospital. My sister was already at the hospital and I had texted my friend and I said, um, meet me at my house. And she called me and she said, why do you want me to meet you at your house?
And I said, I need you to meet me at my house. And she said, why? And I said, I just need you to meet me at my house. And she said, you need to say it. And I said, he died. [00:27:00] And I had to text my sister, so everybody met at my house. 1 of the hardest things that day was coming home and having to go to my daughter.
Her dad died, um, he had a heart attack. There was no warning. He was never sick. He never had any health issues. Um, so it came as a shock to everybody that knew him. And, um, so that day I kept, I kept thinking, like, I don't know how I kept saying, I don't know how to life without him. Like, it's live, but it's not.
It's like, like, do life. I don't know how to do life without him. She's been with me for 30 years. And I don't want to do life without him. Um, you don't have a choice. [00:28:00] And I, I say today, cause it's one year today. And I think to myself, like, like I'm way stronger. Then I thought I was like, if you were to ask me last year, you know, what's this year going to be like, and how are you going to be in a year from now?
I, there's no way I would have been like, I wouldn't be able to function, but I'm, I'm still working. I'm still paying my bills. I'm still, you know, being with my people. I'm still all of the things that. He would want me to still do I'm doing and I know that part of me is just Has him in the back of my head now because I have to do all my things But I have to do the things that he wanted to do because he's not here to do that So it's it's both of us that I'm living for now
Emily Jones: yeah, thank you for sharing that and You're right.
You are so strong. And I'm, I imagine that's one thing that, that people like to tell you, [00:29:00] um, is how amazingly strong and resilient and just incredible that you are not only to have survived, but to thrive, to put yourself out there, to. Surround yourself with people to be aware enough to know I need help.
I need to be around people. I need to do things that I enjoy and I want to do things that he enjoyed to honor him. And I want to try new things. And a year on one hand feels like a lifetime at this point. And on the other hand feels like.
Erin Butler: It's the shortest, longest year of my life, and I can't even describe it to people because it's just, it's such a bizarre feeling, you know, waking up every day and you're like, I have to like live through another day without him and then you're like, Oh, it's a week later.
Like I did it. I made another week. [00:30:00] You know, weekends were the hardest at first. I hated weekends, like, because I was home by myself. And then slowly I started filling my time with positive things. And all right, I can go food shopping without crying and I can actually cook a meal on a Sunday for the week.
And this is okay. Yeah, but it takes time. And I think for me, my, the biggest advice I would give anybody is just be kind to yourself. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself that space. Like, what would you say to your best friend going through this? Like, you know, this isn't easy. Be kind to yourself and it's okay.
No matter how you feel, be mad, be happy, be sad, just whatever. Roll with it. It's a wave, ride the wave. Some days you're going to be in that water and some days you're going to be on top of that, the wave, but just keep riding it.
Emily Jones: I love that. And like you said, some [00:31:00] days you may not be able to get out of bed and other days you may be out there conquering the world and both are okay.
Erin Butler: Yeah,
Emily Jones: yeah. Well, Erin, thank you so much for coming on today and sharing part of your story and things that I think will really be very helpful for other what is that are out there. Are there any final words of wisdom or encouragement that you would want to leave our listeners with
Erin Butler: again? Just be kind to yourself.
You know. Greg was always one of the kindest people I knew. He just was such an upbeat person, such a, he put a positive spin on everything. It makes such a difference if you can do that for yourself. You know, and what you put out there comes back to you too, so just keep putting kindness out there and start with yourself.
Emily Jones: Awesome. Yes, my kids hate the fact I think that my word of the year for them was [00:32:00] kind, be kindness. And that has come up often, but it is such a powerful, powerful sentiment. So thank you, Erin, for coming on the show today. I appreciate you and, uh, what a beautiful way to honor Greg one year later.
Erin Butler: For sure.
Emily Jones: Hey, hey, Emily here. And I just wanted to touch on a couple of things that Erin shared in her interview and in sharing her story. She talked about guilt and grief, which is something actually pretty common with people who are grieving and That feeling of guilt is often very closely associated with grief.
And one thing that I like to remind everyone of that I learned from the grief recovery Institute is that guilt is a really heavy word guilt implies malicious [00:33:00] intent. And so when we wrestle with this feelings and these thoughts of being guilty. That's a really heavy and misconstrued way to look at things.
Instead of being guilty or feeling guilty, what often happens is we wish that things between us and our person were better. more or different. And I want to make sure that if guilt is something that you're struggling with, that you're proactively working on moving through that, whether it's going through the grief recovery method, whether it's working with a coach or a therapist or psychologist, whatever the right approach is for you, that you not be under that burden of grief For much longer, you don't need to be you can be set free.
You can have the [00:34:00] weight lifted off of your shoulders. And I understand feeling guilty. There were several things about Nathan's last few days that I felt guilty about. And when I look back on it, it's not that I feel guilty because I did anything wrong, because I feel guilty. Because I didn't do anything wrong, but I was feeling guilty because I had wished things had happened differently or I wish things had happened better.
And so if you're wrestling with grief and with guilt, then I just want to encourage you to take the time to proactively heal that. I have a course specifically in the Brave Widow membership community on getting unstuck from grief and a section of that is guilt and why we feel guilty and what we can work on to move through that in some areas of our lives that we can do to move forward and not feel consistently [00:35:00] stuck in grief.
And I would love for you to check that out and for that to be a helpful part of your healing journey.
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