BW 065 :Love in the Face of Adversity: The Courageous Story of Building a Life Beyond Loss
Nov 30, 2023Watch the video here or on YouTube; listen anywhere podcasts are played (Apple, Spotify, Google…)
The Transcript is below.
Content Warning: Cancer, death
Sari Overby became a widow a little over two years ago after caregiving for her husband, Ben, during his 4.5 year cancer battle. Even after the cancer diagnoses Sari and Ben continued to live their life full of love and laughter and make their dreams a reality. They vacationed, had babies, bought a house and truly continued to enjoy life together. Sari is so proud of her family and the way we worked together to navigate cancer, death, and our life after death.
Sari Recommends:
- Find support
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:It’s okay to bring that person up to your children
Quote:
''And so they're not really sure what to do. And I think that's what made me turn to finding you. Thank you. Widow podcast, any book that I could find about widows,''
''We were able to do it together and I was able to agree with my husband. And to me, that was such a big deal because he was my best friend and I knew him better than I knew myself.''
''From a caregiving perspective and just as my spouse and he was able to be there for me and I could be there for him. And I know that I helped him to get everything that he wanted out of life. And I feel so grateful for that.''
''I could also understand how people die of a broken heart, especially when they're older, and it's just so difficult and it's nothing I would ever want anyone to understand because it's terrible.''
''Just remembering who we had before and who are still with us in our hearts, then it does help us to move forward.'''
The Brave Widow Community is a place where you can connect with other widows, find hope and healing, and begin to dream again for the future. Learn more at bravewidow.com.
Hey guys, I’m Emily Jones
I was widowed at age 37, one month shy of our 20 year wedding anniversary. Nathan and I have four beautiful children together. My world was turned completely upside down when I lost him. With faith, community, and wisdom from others, I’ve been able to find hope, joy, and dream again for the future. I want to help others do the same, too!
FOLLOW me on SOCIAL:
Twitter | @brave_widow
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YouTube | @bravewidow
Transcript:
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Emily: [00:00:00] Hey, hey, and welcome to episode number 65 of the Brave Widow show today. I talk with Sari Overby and she shares her story and her grief journey. And I'm so excited for you to hear what her story is. And before we jump in, I just want to remind you that we have the widow winter solstice coming up on December 21st.
It's going to be from 6 p. m. to 8 p. m., and you are not going to want to miss this event. This is the number one Most requested, appreciated, loved event that I do all year long. It is a holiday event made for widows by widows. And we're going to have all kinds of things that are happening there. We are going to have music and activities and reflection and we're going to laugh.
We're going to cry. You're going to get to hear from a panel of widows with different backgrounds and experiences. And when you [00:01:00] sign up for this event, you get to ask them your toughest question, your most challenging situation, and we may pick your question or your scenario for all of them to answer live on this event.
People love hearing from the panel. They love hearing the different. Answers and perspectives. And I'm just so excited for you guys to get to do that. We also give away books and Amazon gift cards, and there'll be passes to the Brave Widow community. There will be so many things that will leave you feeling fulfilled and
appreciated and loved for the person that you are. And I hope to see you there now. If you want to sign up for the winter solstice and you haven't, you're probably not on the email list. You need to get on there. So go to BraveWidow. com slash free F R E E and you can learn how to sign up [00:02:00] for the widow winter solstice. You are not going to want to miss this event.
All right, let me introduce you to Sari Overby. Sari became a widow a little over two years ago after caregiving for her husband Ben during his four and a half year cancer battle. Even after the cancer diagnoses, Sari and Ben continue to live their life full of love and laughter and make their dreams a reality.
They vacationed, had babies, bought a house, and truly continued to enjoy life together. Sari is so proud of her family and the way they work together to navigate cancer, death, and life after death. Alright, let's dive in.
Emily Jones: Welcome to The Brave Widow Podcast. I'm your host, Emily Jones. We help young widows heal their heart, find hope, and [00:03:00] dream again for the future.
Emily: Hey, hey, welcome back to another episode of the brave widow show today. I have a special guest, Sari Overby, and I'm excited for you to hear her story and some of the challenges that she has overcome. So welcome to the show and thank you for agreeing to come on.
Sari Overby: Absolutely. Thank you so much for having me.
I think this is a great way for widows to connect and hear other stories, to not feel so alone. So thank you for letting me share my story.
Emily Jones: Yeah, I think that was so critical for me early on is knowing that I'm not alone, knowing that I'm not going crazy, knowing that other people are sharing that journey that was so important.
So I know our audience would love to hear some about you, about your background, and then really we can dive into your story anywhere you want to start. Okay, great.
Sari Overby: [00:04:00] So I am Sari. I'm 37 years old and I have two little kids, a five year old girl and a two year old boy who keep me very busy. And my husband Ben was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer and he survived for four and a half years.
And so I was his caregiver during that time and we had our young kids, um, while also I'm a mental health therapist. So I was doing that at the same time as well. So now, here I am. I'm still a mental health therapist and just trying to figure out what we're doing.
Emily Jones: Yeah, so that's interesting. As a mental health therapist, did you feel like you held yourself to a higher standard or like, Oh, I should know, like what thoughts to think as I go through this, I should know all the right things or did you really keep that separated in your mind?
Sari Overby: I think it overlapped it. Um, grief was not my specialty. I worked with adolescents and still do work with kids in adolescence. But I did have that standard for my daughter who was three at the time. [00:05:00] And that really impacted how I worked with her and helped her during the time, but also had to remember she's my daughter.
I am. I'm her mom. It is very different, but I I think I utilized my skills with myself of like, it's okay to take it slow and just really be where you are. And that helped me so much, I think, because I was able to take some time off and not put so much pressure on myself that I have to just return back to what life is quote unquote supposed to be.
Emily Jones: That's great. My, um, coach, she's a clinical psychologist and she lost her daughter several years ago. Like. When she was very young, nine years old, and, um, I think she really beat herself up at times thinking like, well, I'm a psychologist. I should know, like, I shouldn't be struggling this hard for so long.
So I was just curious if you had, you know, any of those same thoughts. I think that would be hard, but, what was that like? I'm trying to put myself in your shoes and [00:06:00] imagine, you know, being a mom, having young kids, being a caretaker and trying to put so much attention and focus on your family. What was that like trying to juggle all of that when he was sick or after or both?
Because Starting when he was sick and then transitioning to, okay, now this has finally happened, that had to be just like a whirlwind of emotions.
Sari Overby: It was. It was very difficult to navigate all of it. And, um, I actually, when Ben did die, I had just had my son, Nicholas, who was three weeks old. So I was taking care of Ben and my daughter, Lily, at the same time and trying to take care of myself as well throughout my pregnancy to make sure that my son would be healthy.
And it was really challenging. When I look back, I have no idea how I did that. It was just kind of survival mode and trying to just Be in the moment and enjoy life as much as I could with Ben and with my daughter. [00:07:00] Um, because that was one of the things we wanted most in life was to have kids in a family and a normal life as normal as it could be.
So I think I just really pushed myself to be present, which was really hard. And now looking back, I don't know how I did it truthfully.
Emily Jones: Yeah, I think especially those first months and even that first year, it's just. About surviving and, you know, doing the bare minimum really just to make it through and, and make sure that some of those basic things are taken care of, um, we've lost Ben.
Did you have a lot of family and friends that came like swooped in and supported you? Did you feel mostly alone? What was that like for you?
Sari Overby: I'm so grateful and thankful. I have a wonderful family support. I'm very, very close with Ben's parents as well. And my parents, too. So they had been with us because Ben had started to decline.
And they just had, like, a rotating [00:08:00] schedule between them, so they would end up coming over and helping a lot. And then once he died, that continued for, for a while. Um, and I have wonderful friends who helped in different ways, but I think that was a piece that was very, has been difficult for me because we are younger and a lot of people haven't been through this.
And so they're not really sure what to do. And I think that's what made me turn to finding you. Thank you. Widow podcast, any book that I could find about widows, anything that I could to just know, like, is this normal? Am I going ? What's actually happening here? But they tried their best and I'm so thankful for the people who stuck by us because it is hard.
And unfortunately, that was the situation. I'm sure a lot of people just weren't sure what to do. But my family has been a rock and continues to be.
Emily Jones: Oh, that's so awesome that you had great support and I remember, you know, first becoming widowed, I was widowed at 37 and I was like, I got to do all the things, order the [00:09:00] books, get on the Facebook groups, get on the podcast, watch the videos, read all the how to's like, I'm going to be, you know, a freak because I'm a young widow and nobody that young.
No, I don't want to be like some 80 year old person that, you know, I don't resonate. Necessarily with that. So there was a lot of that in the beginning stages and it's sad, but also encouraging at the same time is a new widow to see other people that are younger that are like you and have kids and work and everything else that they're, they're trying, you know, to juggle.
Absolutely. Um, what would you say? So a lot of times people want to know, how can I help? You know, my, my friend lost a loved one. I lost her spouse. How can I help? What can I do? What did you find was the most helpful things that people would do for you when you were going through those early days?
Sari Overby: I think just showing up like I remember having some friends just they didn't tell me they were [00:10:00] coming over.
They just came and brought over some food or they came and brought over a gift card or somebody just sent something sending a text or a phone call, even if I wasn't responding, but just knowing somebody was there. But I think. The biggest thing is just doing something and not asking the person who's affected by the death what they need because we have no idea.
I remember people asking me and I was like, that's a nice thought, but I don't know what to tell you because I don't know what I need at the moment. I don't know really what I'm doing. SO just doing something coming over and if there are young kids playing with them for a little bit I remember taking a shower was like, just so exciting just because you could finally step away for a little bit.
Emily Jones: Yeah, didn't have little fingers coming in under the door and. All of that. Yeah, I agree. And I think people tend to complicate it a little bit more. Um, some of the things I've seen people do with young kids, that's helpful too, is like for mother's [00:11:00] day, you know, taking them out, going and getting something for the widow slash bomb.
Um, cause Maybe that was something that your spouse used to do. Uh, like you said, just spending time with the kids or taking them to do something so that you get a break, uh, or just doing those basic things around the house, mopping, sweeping, laundry,
Sari Overby: the dishes, just those things that we're not going to ask somebody to come.
Can you please do my laundry? Can you please do my dishes? Or at least that's not my personality. Um, so just if somebody had come and done it, that would have been. Wonderful.
Emily Jones: Yeah. That's a great point. Like just show up. Like my neighbors were like, we were sick for weeks before Nathan died. And, um, my neighbors just said, Hey, we're coming over on this day to mow your lawn and get all this cleaned up.
And I was like, Oh, okay. But if they had been like, is there anything we could do? I feel like, no, I'll figure it out, you know, it's fine. But yeah. So I think there's a lot of power and [00:12:00] just. Showing up for people
Sari Overby: that reminded me one time. I was so grateful. My neighbor. I tried to put a bike together for my daughter and I thought I did it.
Well, I was so proud of myself. And then we went outside and it fell apart and it was like, Oh, goodness. What do I do? And a neighbor came over and said, can I put this back together for you? And fix it. And I was like, yes, please. And it'll just save a meltdown for her, a meltdown for me. It was just such a simple but easy and such a kind gesture.
Emily Jones: Yeah. I totally agree. Like, if you see any, just... Jump in and fill it. For the most part, we're gonna be completely okay with that. Mm-Hmm. . Um, so as your kids were so young when you lost your husband Mm-Hmm. , what, what are some things that you've done or that you want to do in the future just to help them remember their dad or maybe even really know who he was or keep to keep his spirit, you know, alive as part of your family?
Sari Overby: Mm-Hmm. . Oh, that's a great [00:13:00] question. So. My daughter, Lily, she was three when he died and she, everyone had told me that they, she was not going to remember, but she still does. She's now five and a half and remembers him very well. Remembers when he died, when he was sick, specific things about him. And I've made that a really big part of her life.
We talk about him all the time. She has pictures of him. I'll tell her stories about him and I try to keep him. As active in our lives as I can. And this morning, actually, I walked in and she was showing a picture to her little brother who because he was only three weeks old when Ben died. And she said, here, Nicholas, this is a picture of daddy.
And this was something that he liked to do. And my heart just exploded. Like, that's so sweet. But like on the holidays, um, Lily and I, we will always make a jar of different, like an arts and crafts type of activity together while she'll draw, um, memories or something that she wants to tell him [00:14:00] and we make it into like a jar or a candle that we can light on the holiday to remember him.
And I have pictures of him around the house. Sometimes we'll look at videos. I just try to incorporate him into our lives. And I tell them, Nicholas and Lily, like when they're doing something that is. So strikingly obvious that that is their father, like a look that they have on their face. I always let them know.
I love that.
Emily Jones: Yeah. And I love that you've just made it like part of normal conversation and part of day to day. Cause I think that really helps take away the rawness of it at times and keeps the memory of their parent very much. Alive in their mind,
Sari Overby: and I also try to normalize with Lily. I would say, like, that was just my biggest challenge was trying to help her to understand death when she was 3.
so now, even 5, like, that's just such a complicated thing in general that. People our age can't comprehend all the way and [00:15:00] older. So I, that was my biggest challenge was trying to explain it to her and trying to help her to understand what cancer is, what cancer means, and try to not scare her, but also keep her informed.
And so we've had, I've read her so many books. I got her into counseling pretty quickly and consulted with child life specialists, just different ways to make sure I was explaining death to her the right way. And explaining what happens to the body because she is very curious and asked a lot of questions.
So I'd say, like, my the year after he died, that's like, what my whole focus was dedicated to, to helping her to comprehend and understand it. And she really does. And I think she has a healthy view and a happy view. Like, she. We allow her emotions to be what they are. She talks about it when she's sad.
She shares when she's missing daddy and we'll, I'll ask her what she misses. She will just share both back and forth and sometimes we cry together. Sometimes we laugh together and I just let it be very [00:16:00] normal in our house. I love that.
Emily Jones: What do you feel like was one of the key things you learned about either, you know, talking to your child about death or.
the cancer or the process, or maybe how to best support her. What's maybe something you learned that you could share with our audience?
Sari Overby: I think to explaining death, keeping it very literal because kids are so literal and when people say that they passed away or they're gone, they can't really comprehend what that means.
And so saying daddy died and just keeping it very factual and whatever your belief might be. I mean, that's okay, but just letting them know like daddy died, daddy's body stopped working and this is what happens when you die. I was very nervous to explain it that way, but that was the best thing for her and that's what all, all the experts said to do.
So I followed their guidance.
Emily Jones: Yeah, I, I [00:17:00] totally agree with that. And, you know, my kids, they, anyway, they like to be communicated with in a very blunt, straightforward type of approach. So we definitely did that. Now, mine are teenagers. And so they've kind of gone off into the dark humor at times of the spectrum, but, you know, that's just.
It's normal, it's the reality, it's what really happened and I think it does provide more clarity for the children to say like, this is exactly what happened in a way that they can best understand without feeling like you're trying to sugarcoat it or kind of dance around, you know, the, the main point.
Sari Overby: And I think it's been helpful because I have been very nervous about my son who didn't know his dad and now he's starting to understand things a little bit more. I mean, he's a two and a half, so as much as a two and a half year old can. But the other day he said, where's daddy? And my daughter started explaining it to him.
Daddy died. He's just like [00:18:00] dinosaurs. Dinosaurs aren't here anymore. And daddy is not here anymore either, but we can still talk about him. And that was just like. How beautiful, how great that she's able to say that to her little brother and hopefully it will help him.
Emily Jones: Oh, that's so amazing and I love how she drew the correlation.
It's like, well, we know they were here and they had a big impact and we can see the evidence of what they've left behind, but they're no longer here. So, yeah, kudos to your daughter. That's amazing.
Sari Overby: I know a little therapist in the making to happen, but here we go.
Emily Jones: Oh, that's awesome. So, um, you know, for anyone who is listening and you're not watching the video you are missing out because there is smile and her presence is just full of joy and beauty.
And I know people are going to want to know how in the world do you go from, you know, Years of taking care of your spouse through a terminal [00:19:00] illness to losing him to balancing work and small children and all of that to where you can smile again. You can think about the future with hope. What was the key for you in starting to even make that transition?
Sari Overby: Well, that's a great question too. Um, I think a lot of it had to do with Ben really and his attitude. I mean, we met each other just to go back a little bit. The first time I met Ben, I was 16 years old and we had lost touch over the years, but reconnected when I was 21 and stayed together until he died at 37.
So we were together for a very long time. And when he got diagnosed, we both just said together, like, We want to live and we want to enjoy the time that we have and we want to continue to do the things that we want to do. And he really taught me how to do that because he just went through cancer with.
We continued laughing. We made jokes about [00:20:00] it all the time. Lots of dark humor and just. Having real conversations and I think just kind of practicing that in a way and living that fully. We were able to do it together and I was able to agree with my husband. And to me, that was such a big deal because he was my best friend and I knew him better than I knew myself.
From a caregiving perspective and just as my spouse and he was able to be there for me and I could be there for him. And I know that I helped him to get everything that he wanted out of life. And I feel so grateful for that. So I think I knew I wanted to continue life that way. I didn't, I get to still be here, so I want to really be here as much as I can, not saying it's not hard because it's extremely hard.
And I'm not like waking up every day. Like, okay, here, let's be positive. But I do want to try to enjoy what I can. And it is at times a challenge, [00:21:00] but I also am just so happy with my kids and how everyone's healing and still working together. And I just love that. Yeah,
Emily Jones: That's amazing. And, you know, being together for so long, in a way you guys grew up together.
You know, we did a lot of, a lot of time together. Your life was really intertwined. And you know, I really resonate with what you said about, it's not like, Oh, yay, I'm so happy. You got to have this positive attitude. I mean, I remember times where I would cry and I would feel like I was full of despair and I would just say.
Nathan, I love you and I miss you. I can't live like this, you know, I knew how people could die of a broken heart syndrome after losing a spouse and I just,
that I wasn't, that wasn't going to be the path for me and that I was going to live the next hopefully 40, 50 years and [00:22:00] still have some sort of a life.
And it sounds like you've done something very similar. Absolutely.
Sari Overby: Absolutely. Absolutely. And it is. I think that's a great way to say that because I could also understand how people die of a broken heart, especially when they're older, and it's just so difficult and it's nothing I would ever want anyone to understand because it's terrible.
But I think. Just remembering who we had before and who are still with us in our hearts, then it does help us to move forward.
Emily Jones: Yeah. And to keep them as such a present part of your life, even though they're not still here anymore, and you talk about them so often and you mentioned things about him and what he liked, what he didn't like, how, you know, the way they smile is just like the way he smiled.
Like it's still a relationship with that person. It just looks very different than it did before. So that's amazing. Yeah,
Sari Overby: and I think it's important also for us, like, I know some people get worried, like, Oh, should I bring this person up? Should I not bring them [00:23:00] up? And I always talk about Ben and encourage people to as well.
Just like, let me know if you're missing him. Let me know if you have a funny story that pops into your mind. And on his birthday every year, I always, Ben and I always joked before he died that we would have chicken wings. I said, no matter what, I'll have wings on your birthday every year. And so it's something that I've spread to our friends and family and people all across the nation, really.
Well, they sent me messages of them having wings that day or. Dressing up in Star Wars or Pirates outfits. And it's just such a fun way. And I know that Ben would love it that that's what people were doing.
Emily Jones: That is amazing. And I love that idea. And Nathan was into Pirates as well. So I'm just envisioning like people dressing up and just really getting into it.
That's such a, a beautiful idea and a way to honor his memory with the wings and everything else. Like, that's really cool.
Sari Overby: Thank you.
Emily Jones: Awesome. [00:24:00] Well, as we wrap up here, are there any final words of advice or encouragement that you would share with other widows who are, you know, maybe walking in your shoes in the earlier days and they're just still really struggling?
Sari Overby: Oh yeah, absolutely. I would say Ask for help. It's really hard. I know that it is, but it's okay. Even if you don't know what it is that you need, just reaching out to somebody and letting them know that you are struggling, then that can be a whole day changer, a week changer, a whole life changer, And if you don't have that help, then reaching out in different ways, finding an online community, finding whatever it is that you need and exploring different things.
I remember walking, I wasn't sure what to do with myself and just walking outside for hours. And that would help me just feel okay, grounded. I can do this now and just finding ways to reset and keeping an open mind. Um, I know we hadn't touched on this, but I did end up starting to date [00:25:00] and I do have a boyfriend now.
Um, and I think just. Keeping an open mind to that it wasn't something I was looking for, but knowing that life can move forward and it might not look the same, but you'll get there, whether it's with another partner, another career, whatever it is, it will get better. It's not as hard to breathe. And just finding ways to help yourself breathe is the most important thing.
Emily Jones: Yeah that's great. Advice and encouragement. So I have to ask you, cause everyone always wants to know what the opinion is on, how do you know when you're ready to try to start dating again?
Sari Overby: I think for me personally, I did it sooner than I. Was truly ready for, I just needed to feel some sort of something other than just being a mom or a caretaker.
Like I just needed to feel like a human. I needed to feel like me again and do something fun. And so I started [00:26:00] dating and I was trying not to take it too seriously and just having a good time. And then I ended up falling in love. But, um, I, I think just. That's just my personality. Also. I'm very open to whatever comes my way.
And, but I do think that was a huge piece of it. Just wanting to feel like me again, helped me know, okay, let's try something for some kickboxing for some people. It might be dating, but try some.
Emily Jones: Totally agree. And I think it's really hard when you're used to having that person like, hey, this new movie came out.
Let's go see it. Or, hey, this concert is in town. Let's, let's go there. It really is hard to move then into a life where you don't have that same person. Like, you might have friends that randomly go with you, but. Not having that one person where it's almost an expectation that for the most part, you do those things together, that [00:27:00] that's really hard.
And that's definitely something that I struggled with too. So, and I also dated a little too soon. So if that's you as well, don't beat yourself up. It is. And sometimes it's nice to meet people that don't know you prior to your loss and don't compare you to who you were, um, because we. Definitely usually feel like a different person in many ways.
Sari Overby: And it's also helpful to figure out what it is that you want to be and who you want to be. And that might be part of the way to get there.
Emily Jones: Yes, absolutely. Well, Sari, congratulations on this new relationship. Thank you so much for taking the time to share your story and come on the show today.
Sari Overby: absolutely. Thank you so much for what you're doing. I really appreciate it. And good luck to everybody out there. You're going to breathe again. I promise it will be okay.
Emily Jones: [00:28:00] Hey guys. Thank you so much for listening to the Brave Widow Podcast. I would love to help you take your next step, whether that's healing your heart, finding hope, or achieving your dreams for the future.
Do you need a safe space to connect with other like-minded widows? Do you wish you had how-tos for getting through the next steps in your journey, organizing your life or moving through grief? What about live calls where you get answers to your burning questions? The Brave Widow Membership Community is just what you need.
Inside you'll find courses to help guide you, a community of other widows to connect with, live coaching and q and a calls, and small group coaching where you can work on what matters most to you. Learn how to heal your heart, find hope, reclaim joy, and dream again for the future. It is possible. Head on over to brave widow.com to learn more. [00:29:00]
